by Arizona Tape
"That's enough, Nan!" Louis quickly yelled, grabbing the kettle. "More tea?"
"Oh, of course. See, he's a sweetheart. You should go out with him," she nudged Mary, effectively wiping the smirk from her face. After he so blatantly rejected her, she'd rather not go on a date with him. But her apprehension was lost on Mrs. Smithfield. She happily suggested a small bistro downtown, managing to make both parties awkwardly glance at each other.
"Umm..." Mary muttered, glaring at Louis. This was his grandmother, he should deal with this awkward situation.
Louis glanced at the angry brunette, briefly wondering how he could piss her off more, and grinned. "I think that's a great idea, Nan. Mary, you agree, right? We should go on a date!" he cheerfully whistled, watching her face fall as she realised they’d backed her in a corner.
"I..." she mumbled, glancing from grandmother to grandson. They were both smiling sweetly at her, the same Cheshire grin on their faces. Definitely related, Mary noted.
"Fine. A date. Of course, a date. Sounds fuc...bulous. Fabulous."
Chapter 3: Bite My Pretzel
The cold wind slashed Mary in the face as she exited her building. She groaned, throwing her red scarf around her neck. She couldn't believe she was actually going on the date. But then again, she couldn't exactly stand Louis up and crush Mrs. Smithfield. She was so excited to set up her favourite neighbour with her grandson.
Mary stomped her feet into the snow, glad she chose to store all her heels in her closet. The icy streets and high stilettos were not a good combination, no matter how long and sexy they made her legs look.
She angrily swatted at a snowflake in front of her face. Just to mess with Louis, she considered wearing her lacy dress. The one that clung to her every curve and turned every guy she met into a puddle. But with the snow and her massive jacket, she decided it was a wasted effort. Part of her still thought Louis was gay, another part of her felt like he didn't deserve seeing her in all her beauty. And now she was walking through the cold air to some random Christmas market that Louis picked out. She was almost a hundred percent certain he chose it just to piss her off.
"Fucking snot weather!" she growled, kicking a heap of refrozen snow sludge at the side of the road. Three people awkwardly glanced over their shoulder at the petite woman who was throwing a public tantrum.
"What are you all looking at?" Mary yelled, her eyes blazing at all the nosy passersby. They should just mind their own business instead of looking at her with all their judgy eyes. It wasn't her fault this whole winter was as shitty as a season could come.
* * *
The cinnamony scent wafting from the Christmas stands was actually rather pleasant and Mary couldn't help but admit that it looked quite inviting. With strings of old-fashioned coloured lights and the occasional Christmas tree here and there, the whole market had a cosy vibe that definitely screamed happy holidays. Maybe not such a bad date spot after all. Now she just needed to find Louis, make sure not to kill him, and try and have a nice time.
"Hello, Mary." she heard from behind her. She quickly turned around and stood eye to eye with...
Santa Claus.
"Errr..." she stuttered, glancing up and down at Santa. What did he want? How did he know her name? Wait...
"Oh sorry," Santa muttered, pulling down his beard to reveal a rather smug looking face and blonde hair.
"Louis," Mary stated, her blood boiling as she glared at the Santa clothed guy. What. The. Actual. Hell. Was Louis really dressed like Santa Claus? On a date? The audacity.
"Are you freaking kidding me?" Mary exclaimed, not sure whether to cry or laugh. Her first ‘date’ in a while and this was how the guy showed up?
"Is there an issue?" Louis smiled innocently, rather pleased that his costume had the desired effect.
Mary's eyes widened like saucers. "Yes, there is an issue. This—" she gestured at his whole outfit. "—Is an issue. Why the hell are you dressed like Santa?"
Louis smirked, his white beard snapping back to his face. "I forgot I was working today," he winked, basking in Mary's angry glares. Lie. He guessed right, she did think it was embarrassing to be on a date with Santa.
"If you're telling me that our date consists of me helping you work, I'm out of here right now. I don't care what you tell your grandma!" Mary scoffed. If looks could kill, Louis would have disintegrate on the spot.
The blond held up his hands. "Ho, ho, ho, I've just finished work. I just haven't been able to change yet." Another lie. His regular clothes were in his burlap sack, but he sure as hell wouldn't tell the little she-devil that.
Mary squinted at Louis, not sure if she was being punked or not. "Did you just use... "Ho, ho, ho," in a real sentence?"
Louis grinned, looking quite proud of himself. "I did. Neat, isn't it?"
"You like puns?"
"Actually, I do."
"Hmm...interesting," she mused, remembering he did react to her punny pick-up lines. Maybe he wasn't as composed and indifferent as he made himself out to be? Maybe she should seduce him, just so she could add him to her list. Yes, that seemed like a great idea, Mary thought, suddenly disappointed she wasn't wearing her sexy lace dress after all.
"Interesting?" Louis asked, cocking his head to the side.
"Yes."
"Why is that interesting?"
Mary grinned, deciding to ignore his Santa costume. If she had it her way, he wouldn't be wearing that red curtain much longer anyway.
"No reason," she smiled politely, throwing her dark hair over her shoulder. "Shall we go?"
For a moment, Louis was taken aback. Genuinely surprised that Mary didn't run straight home after he showed up in his costume, he faltered in his step.
"You coming?" Mary called over her shoulder, strolling into the market and pretending that going on a date with Santa Claus was just a daily occurrence. You know. Shopping for groceries, stocking the bathroom with tissues, going on a date with Santa, cooking dinner, just one of those things.
"Y-Yes." Louis scrambled after her, wondering if he’d misjudged her. If she was okay being seen with Santa, maybe she wasn't the judgy person he thought she was.
"By the by, this outfit makes you look fat," Mary huffed, casually strolling away as she smiled sweetly at one of the owners behind a Glühwein booth.
Louis shook his head as he rolled his eyes. Then again, maybe she was.
* * *
"I love pretzels," Mary smiled, taking a gigantic bite from her freshly baked pretzel. Happily, she chomped on the chewy goodness, deciding that the only great thing about the holiday seasons were the baked goods.
For a moment, Louis had to admit she almost looked like a real person. Not someone who ate kids for breakfast and occasionally polished her pitchforks.
"Want to have a bite?"
Surprised by her offer, Louis nodded. Before he could take a bite, Mary pulled the pretzel away from him.
"Don't eat it all."
"I wouldn't dare," he grinned, following the baked treat and taking one massive bite.
"Oi, you dino! That was half my pretzel!" Mary scolded, but Louis could hear the amusement colouring her voice. Maybe she wasn't that bad after all.
"Wfell fwi fwon't fware!" he laughed, spraying the wintery market with pretzel crumbs.
"Eewww, say it, don't spray it!"
Louis shrugged, surprised at how casual he was acting. If he hadn't known what a bitch Mary was, he would've been stumbling and fumbling like an idiot, trying to impress her.
But not her. She was gorgeous but in no way was he interested. At least, he was almost sure of that.
Mary grinned and quickly devoured what was left of her pretzel, ensuring Louis wouldn't eat the rest of it. He smiled, surprised at how much she could stuff in her mouth and another, dirtier image flashed through his head. Maybe he should shape up a little. Even if he wasn't interested in properly dating her, he wouldn't mind going home with her. Maybe he could kick her out of his house after a shag. That would te
ach her. Although he wasn't exactly sure of what it would teach her. Not to be so gorgeous? Not to hit on him with puns that made him hide his trouser area behind a Christmas tree? Not smell like vanilla and roses?
"Hey, Louis, look. They got a little stand with lead rifles in here," Mary pointed, nudging the Santa next to her.
"Can I help you?"
Mary stared at the red costume, the burlap sack, the white beard, and then the piercing blue eyes underneath the Christmas hat. Wait. Didn't Louis have dark, brown eyes?
She stared around, finding another Santa Claus a couple of metres away from her, doubled over in laughter. With her cheeks flaming red, she apologised feverishly to the random Santa she’d nudged, trying to block out the embarrassing event. Angrily, she stomped over to Louis, hitting his shoulder.
"You ass, why did you stay back?" she half-yelled, hiding herself behind him when the new Santa came over.
"Louis, my man. You not working tonight?" the new Santa asked, doing a weird hand clap thing with him.
"Nah, I took the night off. Got a..." he glanced over at Mary, not sure whether he could call this a date or not. Was it really a date if neither of the people were actually interested in going out with each other?
"Yes?" Mary pulled up her eyebrow as she noticed his discomfort. She daringly stared at Louis, wondering what he'd tell his friend.
Not exactly one to back down, Louis wrapped his arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him. "Just on a date. With my girlfriend. Isn't that right, my love?" he mockingly said, grinning widely at the dark-haired devil.
Choking on her spit, Mary ground her teeth down, hoping her glare would send him straight to the pits of hell. She wanted to wipe his stupid smirk of his face, so bad, but there was no way to do that without embarrassing him or herself. And she wasn't one to back down from a challenge.
"Exactly," she sweetly smiled. With her arms behind her back, she quickly pulled a small silver ring from her finger and swapped it out. "In fact, Louis just proposed to me, the darling," she added, extending her arm with the ring now on her ring finger. "Isn't he sweet?"
Feeling Louis tense against her in shock, Mary grinned. Bingo.
The new Santa grabbed her hand and admired the ring. "What? Louis, you didn't tell me about her!" he exclaimed, glaring accusingly at his friend.
"Sorry, Sam. I just wanted to keep this little beauty all to myself," Louis smiled through clenched teeth. He should've known Mary would just add onto it and make it worse, instead of backing down. As much as he hated to admit it, she was quite a dreamy match made in heaven. Or in her case, a match made in hell.
Mary patted Louis on the chest, hating the fabric of his Santa costume. "Louis, darling, introduce me to your friend," she coyly smiled, batting her eyelashes at the guy with piercing blue eyes.
"Mary, this is Sam, my oldest friend. Sam, Mary. My... Fiancée," he said, hesitantly, not particularly enjoying how the word sounded.
"Sam, is it? So... Are you... Sam-ta Claus today?" Mary grinned, the pun rolling off her tongue before she could stop herself. Luckily, Sam chuckled at her joke.
Nice, Mary thought, pleased that at least one of the guys seemed to have a sense of humour.
"For you, I'll be Samta Claus. Enchanté," he smiled charmingly.
Mary blushed, surprised when Sam took her hand and pressed a chaste kiss on the back. Now that was a gentleman. Maybe she should just ditch her prince in shining armour, ahem, more like tosser in tin foil, and go out with Sam.
"It's nice to meet you, Mary. I can see why Louis has been hiding you away," he added, glaring accusingly at his best friend.
Louis glanced at Mary, wondering if she'd trade him out for his best friend like almost all the girls did. She was now slapping him playfully and laughing at his every word like it was the funniest thing she ever heard.
A hard ball formed in his stomach as he couldn't exactly blame her. Ladies always gravitated towards Sam. It was just a fact of life. Not that he had an issue with sharing. No, he and Sam were quite okay with that. But most of the time, there wasn’t much sharing involved as soon as they get their claws in his best friend.
Not that it worked. The moment they broke up with him, Sam would ditch them faster than a horse took a dump. Louis always told him that it wasn't necessary, but Sam would just shrug and say: "If she ain't right, she ain't right, man."
Every girl had done it, so it wouldn't be a surprise if Mary preferred his friend over him. To be fair, this wasn't even a proper date. She only said yes because his Nan practically made it impossible for her to say no. And then he showed up in — Louis looked at his red, baggy Santa costume — this. He couldn't blame her for not taking any of this seriously. Hell, he didn't take any of it seriously, until Sam showed up and started making googly eyes at her. If she wound up falling for his best friend, he'd just have to accept that he missed out on her and that it was his own stupid fault.
"Louis, shall we go shoot things?"
Surprised, he snapped out of his thoughts and glanced at Mary. "What?"
She pointed at a stall further up ahead. "They’ve got this contest where you have to shoot leads at a pipe. They seem to have some wicked prizes. Want to go?"
"Yes?" he asked, surprised that Mary seemed to be keen on going somewhere with him instead of inviting Sam along.
"Unless you're a bad shot," she teased, throwing her dark curls over her shoulder. She grinned, noticing how Sam's eyes travelled lustfully over her body. That was what she was talking about. Why didn't Louis react to this?
"Bring it on," Louis smiled, quite happy to feel her link arms with him.
"Bye Sam," she waved, pulling Louis along with her to the stall. He nodded at his best friend and trotted behind Mary, albeit, quite confused. Maybe he hadn't made as bad an impression as he thought he had?
Chapter 4: Fondle My Mugs
"Try again!" Mary cheered, jumping up and down as she clapped her hands. Shooting little orange pipes was her favourite thing to do at a fair. She was quite surprised they even had a little booth at a Christmas market, but then again, they also had a puppeteer, a cotton candy stand, and a magic show for kids. Mary wondered why she hadn't already been to the market, but then figured it was because she quite detested the whole holiday season in general. Which was one of the reasons she liked to fly out to a warmer and more exotic destination. Preferably, a place where they didn't celebrate Christmas. Or not a traditional one, at least. But this market was surprisingly nice and Louis turned out to be pretty decent company. More or less.
"Get that one!" she encouraged, pointing at one of the smaller pipes that was already missing a big chunk. One nicely aimed shot would make it jump right off.
"I'm out of leads," Louis pouted, waving at the guy running the stall. "Another round, please!"
With his gun fully loaded, he aimed at the stubborn orange plastic targets and fired another round of shots.
"Woooop woop, awesome!" Mary cheered when the orange pipe shot off the metal stick. Halfway through, they decided to pool their points so they could get one proper prize instead of both a handful of knick-knacks.
"That brings us up to the second shelf," Louis happily boasted, puffing up his chest. He glanced at Mary and reluctantly admitted that the blushes on her cheek definitely suited her well. It made her look more... Real. More human. He just wasn't sure if he liked that he liked it.
"Ooh, we should get that set of Star Wars mugs!" Mary grinned, pointing at a rather fancy looking collection of mug.
"Wait... You like Star Wars?" Louis asked, looking skeptically at her. Girls like her never liked Star Wars. If she did, he might've just found a gem.
"Yes. Jar Jar was my favourite character."
Louis bit back a groan and tried to push the disappointment bubbling up down. He should've guessed that a girl loving Star Wars was too good to be true.
Mary burst out in laughter. "Hahaha, man, you should've seen your face. Jar Jar Binks is not my favourite character. I ha
te that bouncy weirdo."
"Oh thank God," Louis sighed, holding his hand over his heart in relief. "I was afraid I'd have to secretly kill you in the back."
Mary grinned, pleased with herself. Star Wars always did the trick. And even though she had to admit that spending time with Louis wasn't too bad, she still wanted to get back at that jerk. That would serve him right for rejecting her advances, even when she threw herself at him.
"The killing doesn't sound like that much fun." Mary dramatically said, but then she turned and added with a wink: "But the back, now that does."
Louis mouth fell open as he wondered if she meant what he thought she meant. But that didn't seem right. No girl would just openly admit that. Although this one did ask if she could help him get up his tree...
"Cat got your tongue?" Mary grinned, happy that her comment seemed to have its desired effect.
"Umm..." Louis stuttered, not sure how to react to such a blatant statement.
"Maybe another cat can have your tongue later. And when I say cat, I really mean pu—"
Louis choked on his spittle, effectively interrupting Mary with loud coughing. Not that he minded. He wasn't sure what he'd do if she finished that sentence. Yes, Mary was a bit of a mean girl, but she was also gorgeous. And apparently, for some reason, had set her sights on him. Why, he wasn't too sure. It could've just been a prank. Maybe Valerie set it up. It would be something that she'd do. What a twat. She was the kind of manipulative bitch that would go this far to spite him.
He gritted his teeth, suddenly convinced this was all a practical joke set up by his ex. Why else would a beautiful woman like Mary be hitting on him?
"Cut it out," he growled, his eyes darkening in anger. He slammed the gun down on the counter and turned on his heels. With long strides, he marched away from the booth as he held back the vomit threatening to shoot out.
"Louis? Ummm? Hey, where are you going? Wait up!" Mary called, grabbing her purse to run after him.
