Seated in a rocking chair two and a half weeks later, Francesca held her son in her arms in the Special Care Unit, so many emotions washing over her, she couldn’t name them all. Those first days when a machine had breathed for Joshua Michael, she’d been filled with fear and panic. A few days ago, when he’d been upgraded from the NICU to this unit, she’d felt thankful and grateful and positively joy-filled.
Had Grady felt the same?
He’d been standing watch over Joshua since he’d been born. They’d decided on the name together. Still, she didn’t know how Grady was feeling because they hadn’t talked about anything other than Joshua’s condition. Constant tension played between them. The question he’d asked when she’d gone into labor had created a rift she was afraid to mend.
If he kept doubting her, not only her word, but her decisions—
The doors to the Special Care Unit slid open. When she glanced up, she recognized the scrub-dressed doctor immediately.
Darren.
He passed by the other two sleeping infants in the unit along with the nurse who constantly monitored them. “How is he doing today?” Darren asked casually, as if he stopped in every day to check on the baby’s progress.
“He’s better, much better, and he’s gaining weight. I’m hoping in another week I can take him home.”
“I’ve checked his chart a couple of times. You and he are very lucky.”
Her hormones were still all over the place and she felt her eyes growing moist. “I know we are. Thank you for the flowers you sent after Joshua was born. I haven’t had time to write thank-you notes.”
“You don’t owe me a note.”
Their eyes locked and she wondered what he thought she did owe him.
The doors to the unit slid open again and this time Grady strode in. He was wearing the paper protective apron as she was, and cap and mask, but his blue eyes searched hers. She knew the questions they held were a result of Darren being here.
Grady’s shoulders were straight, his head held high and his stance was definitely defensive as he came to a stop beside her.
“Dr. Whitcomb?” he asked, reading the doctor’s name tag.
Holding her baby in the crook of her arm, Francesca did the polite thing. “Grady Fitzgerald, this is Dr. Darren Whitcomb. He stopped in to see how Joshua was doing.”
Darren held out his hand to Grady, and Grady quickly shook it.
“I’d better be going,” Darren said. “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.”
That statement surprised Francesca and she just nodded.
After the doors slid shut again, Grady murmured to her, “Exactly what would he like to do for you?”
The look she gave Grady made him straighten. “What did he want?”
“He said he wanted to see if Joshua was okay. He said he checked his chart.”
“He should stay away from you.”
With her voice lowered, she responded, “He’s a doctor in this hospital, Grady. I can’t do anything about that.”
When Joshua began to squirm in her arms, she rocked back and forth to calm him and to calm herself. “I’ve spoken with the chief of staff, Dr. Gutieras, and arranged for a two-month leave of absence. I also told him I’d be available for consultations. I’m hoping I can work part-time after that. That’s a decision that has to go through the board.”
“When will you know?”
“The next board meeting will be held in about ten days.”
“Are you going to be happy working part-time?”
“I’ll be happy taking care of this little guy.” She rubbed her thumb over his tiny little hand, marveling at how perfect he was, marveling at how much she loved him already. He had her brown hair, but Grady’s blue eyes.
She knew she had to bring up a subject she’d rather ignore. Her voice low, she ventured into territory they had to navigate. “Our lives have been in such an upheaval since the day I went into labor that we haven’t talked about the custody agreement.”
Matching her hushed tone, he said, “If you want to set that aside for now, I’ll understand.”
She kept her gaze on Joshua, afraid too much emotion would show. “I faxed it to my lawyer a few days ago. He feels the agreement was more than fair. I signed the papers, then had them notarized. They’re in my locker and I can get them before I leave.”
At Grady’s silence, she finally met his gaze. They studied each other as machinery beeped, as an infant began to cry, as a nurse murmured to him and he quieted.
“Those papers are just a baseline,” Grady assured her. “I simply wanted to make sure you would never cut me out of Joshua’s life.”
“You’re his father, Grady. I wouldn’t!”
He quickly came around the chair, crouched down and laid his hand on her arm. “Instead of worrying about those papers, I’d like to concentrate on something else right now.”
Wary, she asked, “What?”
“I suggested this once before and I want to suggest it again. Instead of going back to the Victorian, bring the baby to the ranch with me. Let’s really parent together.”
Her indecision and doubts must have shown on her face.
He looked pained as he said in a low voice, “Frannie, in that one crazy, upside-down moment when your labor panicked me, I said something stupid. Don’t let that keep us from doing what’s best for Joshua.”
Was she doing that? Keeping her distance? Hurting their son? Their attitudes, what they did and didn’t do, how they interacted with each other from now on, would affect how Joshua saw life.
She pulled her arm a little tighter around their baby, felt Grady’s clasp on her arm, gentle but firm. She thought about what visitation would mean—Grady coming to the Victorian, her dropping the baby off at his ranch. She didn’t want Joshua ever to feel as if she deserted him. If he was shuttled back and forth, would he feel that way? Parents parenting apart was more complicated for the child than it was for the parents.
“I’ll come home with you when Joshua leaves the hospital. We’ll try it for a while. But if it doesn’t work out—” She hoped she wouldn’t regret her decision.
“If it doesn’t work out, we’ll fall back on the custody agreement or try something else. This is going to be a situation in progress, Frannie. We have to be flexible if we want to make it work.”
Make it work. Make parenting work. Make their lives work. Make their relationship work.
Francesca knew with stunning, heartfelt sincerity that she loved Grady. There was no doubt in her mind. But learning to live with that love without making herself too vulnerable was going to be a very difficult task. Still, she’d never stepped away from a challenge, and she wouldn’t step away from this one.
Although she wanted to spend the whole day with Joshua, she knew Grady deserved his time with him, too. “Do you want to hold him now? I have to go down to my locker, pump milk and get lunch.”
“I’d like to spend some time with him.”
Carefully, Francesca rose to her feet, feeling Grady’s hand slip from her arm. She wrapped the blanket more snuggly around her sleeping baby and handed him to his father.
After Grady took him into his arms, he bent his head to the little boy.
That’s when Francesca left. Tears swam in her eyes again. She couldn’t blame them on hormones this time. She had to blame them on longings and desires of the heart that might never be satisfied.
Francesca had just switched off the ignition to her car in the hospital parking lot a week later when her cell phone rang. Fishing it from her purse’s outside pocket, she checked the caller ID and smiled. “Hi, Tessa.”
“Hi, yourself. I hope I’m not calling too early.”
“You’re not. I just arrived at the hospital. Grady’s meeting me here.”
“Are you ready to take your baby home?”
“You mean to Grady’s ranch.”
“Any chance his home could be yours?”
Francesca tried to rub the tension away fro
m between her brows. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. It seemed like a good idea when Grady suggested it, but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I should just tell him it was a bad idea—”
“Don’t run, Francesca.”
She remained silent.
“You might have gone to Grady’s ranch after you delivered Joshua if Emily and Gina and I hadn’t crowded around you.”
“You didn’t crowd around me. You helped me stay calm and deal with Joshua’s condition. You helped me get my strength back so I could be at the hospital every day.”
“Grady might have been able to do those things, too. Thinking back, we might have gotten in the way.”
“No. You and Emily were just being the good friends you’ve always been. And Gina, she’s helped a lot, too.”
“I like her and so does Emily. You have good taste in friends.”
Francesca laughed. “Thank you very much.”
“You have all the baby clothes you need?”
“I do.”
“We’re still going to give you a shower.”
“I don’t need a shower. What I need is a crystal ball.”
“I’ve heard they’re hard to come by. Instead of using a crystal ball, just look into your heart. Keep it open, okay?”
“You’ve turned into a romantic.”
“Or an optimist.”
Francesca heard an interruption on the phone.
Tessa sounded a little breathless when she said, “Natalie was climbing across the coffee table. I had to rescue her before she fell.”
“Is Sean practicing with the football Santa brought him for Christmas?” When Francesca had had dinner with Tessa and Vince on Christmas Day, Sean had proudly plopped the football in her lap. It was soft and just his size.
“Vince thinks it will encourage him to strengthen his arm, and he might be right. In the process, he gets to teach his son about the game he likes.”
What would Grady teach Joshua? Horse care? Baseball? The importance of family?
“I don’t want to keep you,” Tessa said. “I know you’re anxious about getting settled in at Grady’s. After you do, and when you feel like talking, call me.”
“I will. I have a feeling I’m going to be sleep deprived for a while, but it doesn’t matter. I’m going to learn how to be a good mother, Tessa.”
“You’ll do just fine. Good luck and call me if you need me.”
After Francesca said goodbye, she sat a moment in silence. A new life was about to begin….
The Fitzgerald clan had left!
Francesca felt mixed emotions as she sat in the nursery at the ranch at the end of her son’s first day home, holding him. Laurie, Maureen and Jenna had been at the ranch house waiting when she and Grady had arrived with their baby. They’d helped with food and changing diapers and overall support. Francesca was so very grateful. Yet right now, with Joshua at her breast, she was relieved to have a peaceful moment with him.
Although she’d heard not a sound, suddenly she knew she wasn’t alone. Grady stood at the nursery door, watching her. She felt a little self-conscious, and goodness knows, she shouldn’t be. She’d made love with the man. He’d seen her naked more than once. Yet breast-feeding Joshua, feeding Grady’s baby, seemed even more intimate.
“Have you taken your blood sugar recently?”
It wasn’t a question she’d expected. “Yes, I have. It’s normal. I’m okay, Grady. It was gestational diabetes.”
He nodded and stepped into the room. “You’ve been feeding him about every three hours.”
“He seems satisfied. He’s alert when he’s awake. We just have to make sure he gains weight.” She’d been pumping her breast milk since he was born and that’s what he’d been fed at the hospital. There was no reason to believe he wouldn’t continue to do well.
“Do you believe we finally have him home?”
She didn’t know if Grady had deliberately used that word or not. Was this her home? Or would it just be her home temporarily? She loved Grady with all her heart. But what did he feel for her? She wasn’t sure living with him for the sake of their baby was a good idea. When Joshua got older, Grady might want to have a separate life. Had he even thought about that?
The day had been exciting and stressful and tiring for both of them, and she didn’t want to get into that conversation now. She didn’t want to face conflict before they even knew peace. She didn’t want to have to open herself up and ask a man if he loved her.
As Grady came closer, she felt her body respond to his presence—every nerve came alive, every muscle almost quivered with anticipation. There was still more physical attraction between them than she knew what to do with…even after everything that had happened.
“My mother says you’re a natural, that you took to breast-feeding as if Joshua wasn’t your first child.”
“Don’t forget, I’ve seen many mothers learn to breast-feed over the years. I think a lot of it had to do with Joshua. He took to me.” She knew there was wonder in her voice, and that’s what she still felt.
Her baby had stopped sucking now and was sleeping in her arms, making little noises every once in a while. She covered her breast with her bra, then her maternity top and buttoned it.
“You know I can give you a break from his feedings during the night.” Grady chuckled when she showed surprise. “Don’t look so dumbfounded. You pumped milk for the hospital. You can pump it for me. I can hold a bottle.”
“But you get up at 5:00 a.m.!”
“So, I’ll get up a little earlier if I have to and feed him first. See what kind of hours he sets. I can take at least one of the feedings, Francesca.” He was leaning over her, tenderness in his eyes for their baby.
“You would really do that?”
“I really would. This is one of the reasons I wanted you to come to the ranch. We can help each other.”
“Just how am I helping you?” she asked lightly.
“Aren’t you going to cook me gourmet meals?”
He said it with such a straight face, she laughed. “Won’t you be surprised!”
“I might be,” he joked back. “The advantage to having you here is being able to see my son whenever I want. In fact, can I hold him now? Do you think he’ll wake up?”
The advantage to having you here is being able to see my son whenever I want. Grady’s words saddened her. She wished there was more to their relationship than that.
When Grady stooped down to her, she caught the scent of day-end aftershave. She noticed the beard stubble beginning to show on his jawline. She remembered the heat of his body, the feel of his hair, the strength of his arms. She transferred Joshua to him, her heart hurting for everything she wanted and couldn’t have. As she watched Grady cradle the baby, such love for both of them overcame her that she wanted to cry. She blinked rapidly while Grady’s attention was on Joshua.
“Did Laurie and Jenna and my mother make you crazy being here today?” he asked without looking up.
When they’d gotten home and Francesca had seen all the baby supplies the women had brought, Grady had asked her if she wanted him to tell them to leave. She, of course, had said no.
“I appreciated their help. But it’s nice to be alone with Joshua now. I haven’t really had time alone with him. Do you know what I mean?”
“I do. First he was in NICU and then in the Special Care Unit with nurses around. Even when he was transferred to the regular baby unit, there were other babies and more nurses.”
She laughed. “That’s what a hospital is, Grady.”
“I know. That’s why I don’t like them.”
She couldn’t help but ask, “And doctors?”
For a moment his attention was all on her. “I like one particular doctor who looks ready to drop over.”
“No, really, I’m okay.”
He took another studying look and then nodded. “Of course you are.” There was something in his tone that bothered her. Something in his tone that added that little cros
shair of tension.
She sighed as she took in the nursery he had created along with Liam. A cowboy on a bronc decorated one wall. On a second, a horse stood by a white fence. The crib Grady had purchased was heavy and masculine-looking. The dresser and changing table matched. Instead of a rocking chair, he’d purchased a wooden glider chair with cushions and an ottoman.
Now as he laid Joshua in the crib, she thought about the two nurseries, the two separate houses, the two separate lives. What was living here with Grady for a while going to prove?
She made sure the baby monitor was turned on, volume up, and stood beside Grady, looking down at their son. “He’s a miracle,” she whispered.
“A miracle the two of us helped create.”
Their gazes met. “Sleep with me tonight,” he suggested.
“Grady, I can’t have sex—”
“I know you can’t. I’m not suggesting that. If you sleep with me, we’ll hear him. We can take turns. He might awaken often tonight being in a new place.”
Grady was right. They could just nudge each other. Their sleep wouldn’t be interrupted quite as much. “Aren’t you going to work tomorrow?”
“Yes, unless you need me here.”
“No, we’ll be—”
“Fine,” he completed. “I know. So will I. A little caffeine goes a long way.”
Should she or shouldn’t she? But then she realized this wasn’t a life-altering decision. They were going to get some sleep and wake up to take care of their baby.
“I’ll meet you in your room,” she murmured.
Only Grady’s quirk of a smile indicated he approved.
He headed to his room and she quickly headed to hers and did what she’d learned to do at the hospital when she’d been working around the clock. She took a three-minute shower. After she toweled off—only a few damp tendrils curling around her face because she’d swirled her hair on top of her head to keep it dry—she chose a pink silky nightgown she hadn’t worn for months. Her tummy was getting flatter with her new exercise regimen.
She couldn’t keep from looking in on Joshua before she went to Grady’s room. Her feet were cold, her bare shoulders chilled. It was a blustery night. She knew the old Victorian would be creaking about now. She’d called there earlier to see if Gina felt deserted. But Gina had told her she was snuggled on the sofa with a down comforter, watching TV, sipping hot chocolate. After living with her family the past few months, she was actually enjoying the quiet. Francesca knew the Victorian’s quaint charm. It had captivated Gina, too.
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