by Nell Dixon
“Fair enough.”
I stepped forward ready to follow Steve into the house, my body crackling with awareness at his proximity. He halted immediately inside the door and I almost bumped into him, stopping myself in the nick of time.
“Before I forget, one of the guys from the band called today, he might drop round sometime. Hopefully, it won’t cause problems.” His eyes met mine and held my gaze.
Former band mates of Steve’s would crop up from time to time. Invariably a visit from one of them would be followed by rumours in the press of a possible Danger Line reunion and Steve would get offers to do reality TV shows or to open church bazaars. Last year, a visit by Keith, the keyboard player, had attracted a stalker, a nice middle-aged lady with mental health issues who had loitered around the bins for a couple of weeks until her husband persuaded her to go home.
“Who is it?” If it was one of the guys who, like Steve, had shunned the limelight and gone off to do something outside the music industry it wouldn’t be too bad.
“Jamie.”
“Oh.” Jamie had been lead guitar and second string vocalist. Since the band had folded he’d gone on to try his hand at a solo career. I’d seen him on a few TV
shows and in OK magazine. “He’s moving back into the area.” Steve sounded quite happy about that.
I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing although no doubt Nasreen would be delighted if she found out that bit of news.
Was Steve trying to tell me he wanted to give up property renovation to pick up his music career again? Was this why he sounded keen on Jamie being around more? When Steve and I had first started dating the glory days of Danger Line had been long gone and his interest in music except as a hobby had virtually disappeared.
“I see.” I didn’t know what to say. I’d met Jamie once before, a long time ago when Steve and I had been together for about twelve months. He’d seemed very full of his own importance back then, arriving at our flat with a bevy of girls and a bottle of vodka. I’m sure he’d wondered why Steve had settled down with someone so ordinary as me. Jamie would have had to have changed quite a lot to be willing to settle for the quiet life in our sleepy little town.
“I’d better hit the shower.”
Steve’s face was scant inches away from mine and my body fizzed the way it had always used to when he was close to me. For an infinitesimal fraction of a second I thought he was about to kiss me. I saw something register in his expression before he stepped back from me and turned to head off upstairs.
* * *
Joshua has sent word for me to meet him tonight. He does not yet know about the baby. I am so glad that he is alive. How I will manage to get out of the house I am not yet sure. Richard and Dorcas keep me under close watch and it will take all my skill to creep out without alerting them.
Now Joshua is home maybe we can be wed, then my father would have to accept him and our child would have a name. I hope he is finished with this war and that the army is moved on very soon. It would be good for all this uncertainty be at an end.
* * *
Mr Flibble appeared from under the kitchen table to wind himself around my ankles. I tried to gather my thoughts. Stupid, I was stupid to still want the man. I didn’t want him, it was simply my hormones talking and that was all. Simple biology.
“I suppose you want food?” I addressed Mr Flibble who was making piteous mewing noises.
I busied myself with filling the cat bowl and tried to calm my jangled libido.
Overhead the water gurgled in the pipes and pictures of Steve standing naked under the cooling spray of the huge cabbage rose-shaped shower head in our naff nineteen-fifties style bathroom filled my mind.
“Oh, for crying out loud, I need a man.” I muttered. I bent to place the cat bowl on the floor in front of the pantry door.
“Be careful what you wish for.” Lou walked in through the open back door.
“Look where it’s got me.” She flopped down onto the kitchen chair nearest to the door and flapped her hand ineffectively in front of her face in an attempt to cool her skin.
“How are you?” I wasn’t too surprised to see her; she often popped in on her way home.
Lou shrugged. “Okay, I just came from my interview with the midwife.” She delved inside her handbag and produced a wodge of papers. “I’m officially pregnant now.”
I collected two glasses from the cupboard on my side of the kitchen and filled them with the last of the orange juice. “Was there ever any doubt?” I passed a glass to Lou who took a cautious sip.
“Not really I did four pregnancy tests at home before I went to the doctors. My scan is next Wednesday morning. Mum has already texted me three times to say she’s picking me up to go with me.”
I took a seat opposite her. “And the midwife couldn’t help you work out how far gone you were?”
She shook her head. “No, she thinks maybe ten weeks but the scan will give me a more accurate date.”
I traced my finger around the rim of the glass trying to choose my words carefully. “So that means you still don’t know who it’s most likely to be? Gary or the mysterious Mr X?”
Lou gave a wry half-smile. “Nope, no clue at all. I met the other bloke at Benny’s Bar. I know he seemed familiar, as if I knew him from somewhere else. It was all rather hazy that night.”
“And you never got his name?” My tone was carefully neutral. How could you pick someone up, have sex with them and not know their name? Maybe people did. I wouldn’t know, I’d only ever had three boyfriends; the concept of a one night stand was completely alien to me.
Colour surged into my sister’s face. Maybe my tone hadn’t been as neutral as I’d thought.
“I’d had a bad day so I’d had a few more drinks than usual. He looked hot and I felt horny. Loads of people do it.”
I didn’t respond. Overhead the noise of the water in the pipes ceased and I could hear Steve moving around.
“I thought he’d moved into the caravan?” Lou looked questioningly at me.
“I suppose Mum told you? Yes, he’s moving out today. Just to sleep I think.
He still needs to use the shower and kitchen in here.” Through the kitchen window I could make out the top of the caravan roof through the greenery.
Lou placed her glass on the table. “Are you okay with that?”
Absurdly I wanted to cry. I managed to nod my head before getting from my seat to pull a tissue from the box on the counter top so I could blow my nose. “It had to happen sooner or later.”
“At least he hasn’t moved into the pub - with her.” Lou’s blue eyes, so much like mine and Mum’s, betrayed her concern.
“No, at least not yet.” I’d thought about why he might not have gone to live at the pub for much of last night, while I’d been lying awake listening to the creaks and groans of the cottage settling for the night.
Lou rested her elbow on the table and propped her head on her hand, allowing her silky blonde hair to flop across her cheek. “We both pretty much suck at relationships, don’t we?”
“Is the Pope a Catholic?” I couldn’t help grinning as I quoted one of Mum’s favourite expressions back at her.
A wide grin split her face. “Okay, I asked for that. Listen, I’d better be off. I want to catch the bus and if I go now I’ll just make it. I only stopped in to see how you were.”
I collected her glass as she stood to pick up her bag from where she’d dumped it.
“Thanks Lou.” I stepped forward and gave her a hug, her favourite citrusy perfume tickling my nostrils.
“See you on Wednesday for class. You’d better bring an apple with you now you’re teacher's pet,” she teased.
“Yeah, sure.” I shook my head and she disappeared back out into the garden.
Mike hadn’t been in touch since he’d left yesterday. Perhaps he regretted kissing me, or maybe he too hadn’t felt the zing.
It was only after Lou was out of sight that I realised I’d forgotten to tell
her that I’d seen Gary.
The door from the hall creaked open and Steve poked his head into the kitchen. “I thought I heard voices?”
“It was Lou, she only stayed for a few minutes.” I carried the juice glasses to the sink to wash up.
He strolled into the kitchen. I was relieved to see he’d changed into clean jeans and a black tee shirt. “How is she? Is she okay?”
“She’s fine, she saw the midwife today but she’s still not sure of her dates.
She’s having a scan next week.”
He nodded an acknowledgement of my answer, his attention temporarily caught by the mobile phone in his hand. Clearly a text had just pinged in from the way his expression changed into a small frown as he studied the screen.
“I have to nip out for an hour. When I get back we’ll go through the budgets, yeah?”
“Fine.” I turned on the tap and started to rinse the glasses. I pretended not to care that he was probably off to see her.
I stood the glasses on the beat up stainless steel drainer and rolled my shoulders trying to ease the tension that had built at the base of my neck. With both Lou and Steve gone the cottage seemed quiet and empty.
Much later, from my bedroom window I saw the light in the window of Steve’s caravan. It went out as I watched. He must have returned and retired for the night. I unpinned the piece of faded pink floral material that served as a temporary bedroom curtain and allowed it to drop, covering the pane. Turning on the lamp, I undressed and placed my clothes ready for morning on the small dark wood chair in the corner of the room.
My mobile buzzed as I climbed into bed. I snatched it up half expecting it to be a message from Steve checking if I was okay. Instead it was a text from Mike.
‘work crazy, look fward to see U Weds, soz can’t b sooner.’
I deleted the message and placed my phone on the night stand next to my bed.
Mike couldn’t be that keen then if he was happy to wait till our course night to see me again. His message wasn’t very lover-like - there weren’t even any kisses. My texts always had kisses. Once I’d even texted a plumber about a leaky tap and added kisses on the end of my message by mistake. I clicked off the light and settled down under the sheet. Somewhere outside in the dark garden an owl hooted mournfully.
I wasn’t sure at first what had woken me. The room was still in darkness with only a glimmer of moonlight peeking through a gap in my temporary curtain. The birds in the garden were silent, even the owl had ceased its mournful courting. It took a few seconds for my sleep-befuddled brain to recognise what had disturbed my dreams.
The unmistakeable sound of a woman sobbing. I tried to blink the sleep from my eyes so I could scramble my brain into gear. I was alone, there was no one else in the house yet I could hear faint and unmistakeable feminine weeping.
* * *
It took all my guile to sneak out of the house without waking either my mother or my minders. The night was dark with the moon behind the clouds and it was hard to see. Joshua was waiting for me by the walnut tree.
‘I cannot stay long.’ I drank in the sight of his face having not seen him for so many weeks. He looked thin and haggard in the heavy shadows and I knew before he spoke where he had been.
‘I too have little time, but I had to come and see you before the army moves again.’ He reached his arms out to gather me into his embrace.
Safely enfolded in his arms my heart beat against my ribs like a wild bird against the bars of a cage. ‘Stay here with me, do not go back.’ I had not meant to say the words aloud. I had no right to ask it from him, the cause was too dear to his heart and I knew that in truth he had little choice but to return to his comrades in arms or the consequences could be severe.
‘Mary-Ann, you know if I could stay then I would but I have to do this. Victory is almost ours, the King’s forces are weak and soon will be defeated.’ He took my hand and guided it to the rough surface of the tree trunk. Under my fingers I felt the sharp fresh cut etching in the bark. ‘I carved here a token to prove my words. I promise I shall return for you, Mary-Ann and the future shall be ours.’
I traced the outline of a heart carved deep on the trunk. The scent of lavender surrounded us and I hesitated, wanting to tell him of the life we had created that even now grew inside me. If I told him, if he noticed that I had changed then would he stay? Had I the right to try and force his hand? A sudden noise set the animals to moving, The dogs dozing before the fireplace in the kitchen barked and the moment was lost.
‘I must go back before I am missed.’ I knew I could not tell him. He had to want to stay for me alone and he had other more pressing concerns on his mind.
‘I love you, Mary-Ann. Wait for me.’
* * *
Thoroughly alarmed now, I sat up and switched on my lamp. Immediately the sounds ceased and all was quiet once more.
“Is anyone there?” I called out automatically, my pulse thudding in my ears.
Heaven knows what I would have done if anyone had answered me – had a heart attack probably. A glance at my watch told me it was three a.m. I scrubbed at my eyes, suddenly wide awake.
I listened carefully but the cottage was silent. Had I been dreaming? I settled back down on my pillows, my heart rate slowed to a more normal pace. I continued to lie there for a while longer, listening, before turning out the lamp once more.
Eventually I managed to drop back off to sleep just as the birds nesting in the eaves were beginning to stir.
Next morning I almost overslept, The familiar noise of Steve clunking around in the kitchen roused me. I showered and dressed in a hurry, my head still heavy and thick from my disturbed night.
“Kettle’s hot.” Steve greeted me when I made it downstairs.
“Thanks, but I’ll grab a drink at work, I’m running late this morning.” There wasn’t even time for my usual slice of toast and marmalade.
“Are you all right? You look a bit frazzled.” Steve leaned back against the countertop while sipping from a large mug of coffee.
“Restless night.” I debated telling him about the sobbing but decided not to. I was late enough already and he wouldn’t believe me. He’d probably think it was because I’d been alone in the cottage and that I’d let my imagination run wild.
I grabbed my phone and my bag before making a dash for the door.
“See you later then.”
I hurried to my car with Steve’s farewell ringing in my ears.
* * *
“What happened to you this morning?” Nasreen caught me at lunchtime as I was about to slope off and treat myself to an M&S prawn sandwich.
“Overslept.” I picked up my handbag ready to make a bid for freedom.
“Ooh, are you going to the shops? I’ll come with you.” She darted off to collect her things before I had time to come up with an excuse.
I wasn’t in the mood for chit-chat as we made our way along the high street towards the food hall. Not that my silence deterred Nasreen.
“I heard that Steve had moved out?” She puffed along at my side.
Blimey, gossip got around fast in a small town. “Yes, he’s staying in a friend’s caravan at the end of the garden while we finish the renovations.” I quickened my pace a little more knowing that Nas wasn’t the fittest of people.
“I’m surprised he didn’t go to live at the pub, you know with her,” Nas gasped as we entered M&S.
“I’ve no idea.” I selected my sandwich and dithered over the individual pots of strawberry trifle.
She trotted after me as I headed for the till, collecting a large bag of Percy Pigs on my way through the checkout. I needed sweet sticky goodness to get me through the day.
“Maybe it’s not serious between them, perhaps that’s why he didn’t move into the pub,” my unwanted companion suggested as we left the store.
I stopped dead, causing Nasreen to skid to a precarious halt on the edge of a kerb.
“Look, I don’t know or care about Steve’s
love life. Try and remember that he’s my ex, so I don’t want to discuss his or my private life.” I glared at her, hoping she’d finally get the message. I would have blanked her completely a long time ago but I didn’t want to create an awkward atmosphere with my work colleagues.
“Oh, I understand completely.” She continued to chatter as I resumed walking.
“I mean, if I’d been dumped like you, then I wouldn’t want people going on and on about my ex either.”
I gave up and headed for the library. At least in there she’d have to shut up.
“Where are you going?” She paused on the library steps a bewildered expression on her face.
“I need to do some research for my course tomorrow.” I hoped the librarians wouldn’t mind me eating my prawn sandwich while I perused the local history section.
Nasreen looked disappointed; no doubt she had planned to spend the rest of our lunch hour talking to me about Steve.
“I’ll see you back at the bank then.”
Not if I saw her first, she wouldn’t.
I ate my lunch in the reading room while I made notes about what I wanted to look up on the microfiche system. Mike had told us at our first class about how to use census information and local birth and death registers as well as newspaper archives.
Fortified by the consumption of prawns and a few Percy Pigs I settled down to try and search the local newspaper archives. I didn’t have much time but at least it would give me a start on solving the mystery.
Isabella and Francis had been playing on my mind. Somehow I knew the spirit in the cottage wasn’t that of Isabella. I don’t know why I was so certain but the calm and lovely woman in the pictures wasn’t the pale, dark haired girl I’d seen at the window. Nor did Isabella’s portrait suggest she would have been the woman I’d heard sobbing as if her heart was broken in the small hours of this morning.
