Shattered Dreams

by Irene Spencer

  Forcing myself to respond, I swung my legs over the side of the bed and weakly stood up. I hollered, “Donna!” Then I passed out on the floor. Donna immediately threw back the covers, saw her sister and me passed out on the floor, and screamed for help, “Steven! Steven!” Then she too crumbled to the ground.

  From across the hall, Steven heard our cries. Opening my bedroom door, he saw our bodies sprawled out on the floor and realized we’d all been asphyxiated by the gas. He rushed to turn off the heater and butane lamp, then threw open the windows. He picked up his unconscious little sister and carried her into the living room. By then, André, Brent, and Kaylen were in the room, trying to drag Donna and me out. They also rescued baby Seth from his crib.

  When I regained consciousness, I was weak and had a terrific, pounding headache. My fingernails were blue from the lack of oxygen. André drove us to the clinic, where we suffered all day with nausea and ringing in our ears. Still, we were thankful to have survived and to know we’d be okay.

  DR. CANO WAS VERY CONCERNED about my health. Several varicose veins were swollen and broken in my legs, causing me a great deal of pain. He explained to me how important it was that I didn’t get pregnant again. He insisted I bring Verlan in for my next consultation.

  I considered myself fortunate to be able to comply with the doctor’s orders by getting Verlan there, but then Verlan embarrassed me with his reaction to what the doctor had to say. “Why do you let this woman become pregnant so often?” Doctor Cano lectured. “Look at her bad veins. She’s too young to have so many children. I believe you should go on some form of birth control.”

  Verlan flared up. “We don’t believe in that! Our whole purpose is to multiply and replenish the Earth.” Standing up to leave, he added, “It’s our private business how many kids we have.”

  When we reached Verlan’s truck, I got in beside him, knowing how upset he was. “That doctor is far too worldly,” Verlan said. “I don’t want you ever to see him again. Besides, I have a better way to solve this problem. I just won’t sleep with you anymore. That way you won’t be tempted, and for sure you won’t conceive again.”

  I was frantic, devastated. Here I’d borne him twelve children, allowed him to take five new wives (two of which I’d given him personally), and now, when I was just thirty-three, Verlan was shelving me. In my mind, that signaled the end of our marital relationship.

  Only God knew the turmoil this caused me. In the evenings, I’d walk the two miles to the beach, where no one could hear me lying in the sand, crying and calling out to God. All hope was seeping out of me. I felt used and abandoned.

  Summertime arrived and while trying to get my mind off my problems, I borrowed Verlan’s truck to solicit nearby farmers to give us more free produce. I brought home loads of cauliflower, brussels sprout, and potatoes. The older children helped cut the spoiled parts off the potatoes, and then we left them in the sun until a scab dried over the cuts. We then put the potatoes in gunnysacks and stored them in our family storehouse.

  The only attention Verlan gave me was when he praised my ingenuity. He was grateful that I helped him feed his giant family. Seeing how he relished unity among his wives and wanting desperately to regain his favor, I continued to fend for us all as best I could.

  As I fought against depression, I often wondered what the future held for my beautiful Donna. At just seventeen, she’d already been approached by at least ten men, many claiming to have had divine revelations that she should marry them. It was one thing for me to suffer living this life, but it enraged me to think of my precious children having to endure it as well. No reward—here or in the next life—could be worth the disappointment I’d experienced. I’d come full circle to exactly where my mother was when we talked that afternoon in her cellar. The only two differences were that I’d never had the heart to teach my kids the Principle the way I was supposed to, and Donna was already figuring out that she wanted no part of it anyway.

  Being president of the church and the head of seven families really put Verlan in a bind, so the squeakiest wheels continued to get all his grease. I finally clued in that he took my being quiet and supportive to mean I was doing just great. Since I knew how to be fairly self-reliant, I found myself getting left out more and more.

  Of course, my greatest loss was no longer having the touch and comfort of my husband, even once a month. And while I went completely without, I had to deal with the fact that he was busy enjoying sexual pleasures with his other wives.

  I prayed to God every day to let me die. Verlan came to see me and tried to spur me on. He explained that now that our sex life was over, I should just buckle down and find joy in my children. I clung to him, begging him to make love to me. Fifteen months of abstinence was too long. Where was the reassurance that he even wanted me anymore? I lied and told him there was no chance I’d become pregnant. I said that my period was due the next day, so he finally gave in and granted me one sweet moment of bliss.

  A torrent of tears followed a few weeks later when I discovered I was pregnant yet again.

  VERLAN TRIED to make his bad behavior up to me by inviting me to go to Colonia LeBaron with him. Donna knew I was desperate for a trip, so she insisted I leave the other ten children with her while I went with her father for a week.

  The day after we arrived at the colony, my friend Priscilla invited Verlan and me to her pizza party along with two unmarried women, Elizabeth and Helen. I’d been close friends with all three women for years. All three were dedicated to our religious beliefs.

  Forty-year-old Helen was widowed, heavyset, and had her eye on my husband. Several times since her husband Theron’s death in that terrible car accident, she’d suggested to me the possibility of becoming part of our family. I knew she was lonely. My relationship with her had endured for over twenty years, and I hated to have something like a husband come between us, but Verlan already had his hands way too full. However, our gospel teachings didn’t exactly recognize such earthly limits. No good man had a right to turn down a converted woman who wanted to marry him. If he did, God might not give him any more wives. Well, as far as I was concerned, with the seven he already had, Verlan didn’t need more wives, even by his own ambitious measure.

  Helen was a great cook and a remarkable mother. Her eleven children loved her dearly, but they needed a father also. I felt bad there weren’t any more men who were willing to share the responsibility for good women like her, whose husbands left them behind on this Earth without any man to help shepherd them. Still, Verlan’s dance card was quite full.

  At the party, I eventually managed to relax and put my worries about Helen aside. The five of us were joking, having a great time, when suddenly Verlan became very quiet, obviously deep in thought. Then he asked, “Hey, Priscilla, do you have a piece of paper and a pen I can borrow?”

  I wondered what was so important that he had to write it down. Maybe he was starting a new game. We sat in silence, wondering. He scribbled a few words, folded the note, and handed it to me, playfully bumping my knee with his. “Pass this over to Helen, will you?” he asked, seeming to be daring me.

  Elizabeth eyed Helen; then her eyes shifted to mine. “What’s going on here?”

  I obediently handed the note to Helen. “What’s this?” she asked, looking surprised.

  “Go ahead and read it . . . but not out loud,” Verlan said as he nervously stood up.

  Helen carefully unfolded the paper. We watched as her mouth opened wider with each word she read. She looked at Verlan in disbelief. “Is this for real?” she asked, almost in a whisper.

  “Yes, but don’t say anything,” he ordered as he walked toward the door.

  Helen jumped up squealing. She hugged Elizabeth. Then she almost knocked Priscilla off her chair when she threw her arms around her. Coming toward me, her face red with embarrassment, she exclaimed, “I can’t believe this!” She hugged me tentatively, obviously hoping for approval. “Oh, this is so wonderful!”

  Ve
rlan had the door open before she could get to him. “Come outside, will you, Helen?” He flipped his head and gestured for her to follow.

  After he closed the door, Liz started to laugh. “What on earth is going on?”

  I shrugged my shoulders, trying to keep my composure. “Who knows?” But deep down, I knew.

  Several minutes later, Helen barged in, with Verlan following close behind. She was waving the note teasingly from side to side in the air. Then she mischievously danced past the other two women and handed the note to me. “He said you can read it out loud.”

  I could see the joy on her face. I prayed for God to help me remain calm. I began reading, “Dear Helen, Will you marry me tomorrow? I’ll take you with me to Nicaragua for a honeymoon. Love, Verlan.”

  Smothering my rage with a fake smile, I acted like any other noble plural wife. I pretended sacrificial joy while I thought about how much I hated them both. Here was my long-awaited trip with Verlan, and he was taking someone else on a honeymoon instead.

  He hugged Helen and said, “Well, it’s all settled. We’re getting married tomorrow at 9 A.M. so we can leave for Nicaragua by noon.” He kissed Helen for the first time. She almost ran the four blocks home.

  That night Verlan came to bed uneasy, and rightfully so. “I hope all my other wives will forgive me for this. I really should’ve notified them first.” He talked on, trying to justify himself. “Please forgive me, Irene. I know you wanted this trip, but you’ve got to realize it’s a perfect time to marry Helen, since there are no other wives around to object, and it won’t really be taking anybody else’s time.”

  “What about me?” I snapped.

  “It won’t be your time, either. You knew I was going alone to Nicaragua, so don’t count the time as yours.”

  “I can’t believe I deserve this, Verlan,” I said angrily. “Every time I get close to a woman and share my intimate secrets, she pulls a fast one on me and marries my husband! What a hell of a way to ruin a good friendship, especially when I see her more than I see you.”

  Verlan pulled me closer, laughing as he spoke. “I can’t help it if you’re such a neat wife. You’re so good to them, they all want to spend eternity with you.” I dug my elbow into his side, afraid to say more for fear I’d cry. When he saw I didn’t respond, he said, “Hey, don’t get mad. She really loves you. Helen wouldn’t even consider marrying me if you weren’t part of my wonderful family.”

  Then, talking more to himself than to me, he said, “Gee, I wish I had time to buy Helen a wedding ring.”

  “Damn it, Verlan! Why don’t you just order a dozen from Sears? Then you’ll have them handy when you need one.”

  He laughed. “I appreciate you being so good about this marriage. It means a lot to me that I can always depend on you to come through.”

  “I’m not good, and I don’t understand! Why in the world do you need any more wives?”

  “Irene, are you going to reject a wonderful blessing like this? Isaiah says that in the last days, seven women will take hold of one man.”

  I angrily interrupted him. “Hell, Verlan, you’ve already got seven! You’ve fulfilled that prophecy. I told you years ago I’d leave you if you got more than seven wives. I think I deserve at least one day a week!”

  “Honey,” he pled, “try and understand.”

  “How can I? Even if you were home all the time, every day, I’d only see you four nights a month. That’s forty-eight days a year. That’s only a month and a half out of twelve.”

  “Hey,” he said firmly, cutting me off, “let’s not get a bad spirit about this. See, I’m here now, and you’re just ruining your precious time. I don’t know why you always want to waste it talking about other women. Besides, no one will ever take your place.”

  “Good hell, Verlan. Tomorrow someone will!”

  “Be thankful you are even here. It should be Lillie’s turn to give Helen to me, since she’s the last wife. But you get the privilege. I think Helen will feel honored because she loves you so much.” Yes, it would be the third time I’d have the incredible privilege of giving another woman to my husband in marriage. Imagine how thankful I was.

  Verlan kissed my unresponsive lips and said, “Let’s go to sleep. I have so much to do, so many responsibilities; I can hardly take time off to get married.” Then he rolled over.

  I lay in the dark, rubbing my hand over my pregnant stomach, wondering what more God might require of me. I thought about Helen. She really wasn’t a threat to me. I even loved her. But, God, it’s so hard to share my husband with so many wives!

  I’d been taught it was better to have a tenth of a good man than a “worldly” man all to myself. Would I trade some failure for the husband I had? Not hardly. I tried to smother the jealousy burning in my chest. Since I’d already hung in there for so many years, I thought it best to be patient. Why, I was right on the edge of glory. This life would be over soon enough, so why give up now?

  Verlan woke me up at 6 A.M. to give me his final instructions before he left. “Please iron my shirt and polish my best shoes.” I felt pangs of sadness in my heart. How many times had I packed his suitcase for essentially the same journey? “I can spend a whole month with Helen,” Verlan continued. “This is a good chance to really get to know her. With so many of you around, this will be the most time Helen will ever have alone with me. I feel she needs it after being widowed so long.” He left immediately to get his business done so he wouldn’t be late for his own wedding. I heard him call back to me, “Be sure and be there a few minutes early. I’ll see you there at nine o’clock sharp.”

  Six of Verlan’s other wives were in Los Molinos. There was no electricity or telephone service in the colony where they lived, so he had no way of contacting them to inform them of his impending marriage. He just had to trust in God, hoping God would touch their hearts with understanding when Verlan returned from his honeymoon with the belated news. I knew he hated to do this to them, but with me backing him up, he could go through with it.

  His other wives had every right to be angry, and they certainly would be, not only with him, but with me as well for upholding him in this marriage without their knowledge or consent. I felt comforted knowing I wasn’t proving a problem for him. He needed me to play my part in furthering his kingdom, so I suppressed my feelings of rejection. If I would just be obedient and comply with his demands, he promised once again he’d love me even more.

  When it came time, I walked the three blocks to my sister-in-law Luz’s house. Several cars were parked along the dirt road out front. I was surprised at how many came to celebrate so early in the morning and on such short notice.

  I shook hands all around and made sure I kept a smile on my face, knowing how I’d be judged by everyone. I would play the part, giving no one a chance to say I’d shirked my duty or let a good man down. Thank God for Linda. She saved my usual place next to her. When I got over there, she covered her mouth and whispered, “Why didn’t you tell me about this yesterday?”

  “ ’Cause I didn’t know.”

  “Since when did they decide to get married?”

  “Last night.”

  Verlan walked in, apologizing to everyone for being late. He looked handsome in his worn gray suit. Taking a seat beside Helen, he grabbed her hand in more of a handshake than a caress. When he saw me, he smiled and waved mildly, obviously relieved to see I’d come. Then he leaned over and whispered a few words to his brother Alma, who stood up, ready to conduct the meeting.

  Alma stoically welcomed everyone. Glancing at his watch, he announced, “We need to get this show on the road. We’re running late.” He waited for complete silence, then continued. “I appreciate all of you for making an effort to be here so early and on time. It always thrills my soul to see women so valiant who are willing to put aside their selfish wants and enter into this holy Principle of plural marriage.” He was overcome with emotion. “Excuse me for crying,” he said, sniffing and wiping his tears with his hanky. “
I know this takes a woman of conviction.” He cleared his throat and nodded toward me. “I’m so glad to see Irene coming through for Verlan again.” A smile crossed his worn face, and his blue eyes twinkled. “She’s always been outspoken and rebellious. But still she repents at the last minute, always coming through. You women here this morning would do well to follow her example. Being obedient is always what the Lord requires.”

  Verlan must’ve been reading my mind, as I was thinking, “Yeah, we have no choice in the matter; it’s shape up or go to Hell.” He caught Alma’s eye, motioning for him to start the ceremony before my repenting subsided and my outspoken rebelliousness again took over.

  Alma then invited Verlan and Helen to come forward and take their places beside him. Flipping his head, Verlan motioned for me to take my place next to his bride-to-be. After so many times, I surely ought to have been trusted to take my place without being told.

  After a moment of silence, Alma cleared his throat. Looking directly into my eyes, he asked, “Do you, Sister Irene, take Helen by the right hand?”

  “I do,” I said on cue as my voice cracked. I forced a broad smile and placed her hand in his. My eyelids fluttered frantically to divert the tears welling up in them. Verlan winked approvingly at me as I stepped back into my place.

  Alma continued, “Do you, Brother Verlan, take Sister Helen by the right hand and receive her unto yourself?”

  I gave myself a silent sermon. Don’t you dare let a tear fall. Please be good. Come on, Irene, God still loves you.

  The next exhortation jarred me quickly out of my self-talk. “Be fruitful. Multiply and replenish the Earth.” I hated to have them both admit they would. Besides, Helen had already done that. She had eleven children. She was going through menopause, so her sex life would be short-lived, thank God.