Hitch
“You could have defended me, you know.” My eyes scanned the street as we came to a stop at the light.
“And ruin all your fun? What kind of mate would that make me?” Amusement threaded his voice. “Besides, the demon is all talk. He’s no threat. Those sheared horns were as good as neutering him.”
When I gave Divit a long look his lips tipped up. “Magickally speaking. He can’t really do anything, other than a bit of smoke and mirrors, and whatever strength he naturally possesses. Cutting off his horns put him at a lower standing than Mary.”
“Lower than a succubus?” As far as I knew all they were good for was soul sucking, a bit of limited magicks, and sex.
“He’s as good as human, a horny one, but I’m not worried about him trying anything with you.”
“Yeah? Why’s that? I’m not pretty enough?”
“You’re beautiful, but that’s not what I meant.” He complimented so easily, like liquid honey rolling off his tongue, I had to wonder if he was even aware he was doing it. “The demon cares for you. He’s protective but not possessive.”
“Like a brother, you mean?”
“Yes.” Divit smiled slightly, but then his expression grew fierce, jaw clenching. “You’re mine and he’s not a fool. He knows I’d kill him if he tried to touch you.”
“Possessive, are we?”
Glancing over to stare at me, the skin pulling tight across his taut cheekbones, blood red flushed eyes bright, he bared his teeth at me, flashing fang. “Do you even have to ask me that?”
“Ah, you bloodthirsty charmer, you.” Feeling properly wooed, I slid my hand along his, lacing our fingers together.
It took me a while, as we drove and lapsed into silence, to take note of our surroundings and realize we were going the wrong way.
“Hey, you missed the turn.”
“No, I didn’t.” Divit smiled slightly, but there was a sense of unease I felt flickering through him that had me sitting up straighter.
“Where are we going?” I didn’t know any of these streets, realizing he must be taking a back way wherever he was headed.
Gaze flicking out the window, he adjusted his grip on the steering wheel. “Home.”
“This isn’t the way home, glitter buns. Nice try.”
“I’m taking you home.” At the look on my face, he gritted out, “My home.” As we pulled to a stop at another light, Divit dropped a small, blue envelope in my lap, the top already torn open. “Here. Don’t freak out. And for the last time, enough with the glitter buns.”
Picking up the little envelope, addressed to the man seated next to me, I eyed it suspiciously. “Whatever you say, pook- Wait. Don’t freak out? Why would I freak out?”
Divit blew out a long, shaky breath. “Funny thing, that. Just open it.”
Slipping the single sheet of parchment free, I unfolded it slowly. Dread pitting my stomach, I quickly skimmed over the top. Glancing at Divit, brows pulling into a frown, I shrugged. “Okay, so... what’s all this mean? Looks like a bunch of gibberish.”
“Those are my results. Did you read all of them?” Eyes on the road, though his gaze kept darting back to me to check my expression more than I thought necessary, he made a rude noise in his throat.
Sucking my cheeks in to puff them out, I fanned the paper at him in a little wave, earning myself a good bit of narrowed side eye when I laughed at the look on his face.
“I figured they were your jizz results, genius.” Tapping the paper, I snorted. “It says so at the top, and I think the part right here that talks about your sperm count kinda gave it away, but hell if I know if any of this is good or bad. It’s not like I run around having my sperm checked or anything.”
“Well, now you have,” my vampire companion murmured dryly. Jerking his chin at the paper, I frowned as he pulled along a dark stretch of road. “Congratulations, you have abnormal results.”
“Of course I do. I mean, we do. Damn it.” Waving a hand at him and then his results, I spluttered. “I meant you do. You have vampire sperm, dead guy goop, funky freak jism. It was awkward enough having to go with you to get that, uh, stuff done in the first place—that one lady kept giving me the side eye, I swear—no need to keep bringing it up.” If I could’ve blushed, I would have, feeling decidedly rosy about my cheeks.
“Ah, a blush. A faint one, but still there.” Divit’s fingers skimmed my throat and he leaned over to steal a kiss. “That is one thing I will admit I miss.”
“About when I was human?” I mumbled against his mouth, my eyes slowly fluttering open to watch him curiously.
“Mm. Hmm. Not quite the pinkening of before, but a faint glow.”
“Yay, I glow,” I muttered glibly, tossing up a weak fist pump to complement the sentiment.
“Don’t sound so sad about it, sweetheart.” His finger dusted my cheek. “I love your glow.”
Nipping his lip playfully, I chuckled, tilting my head for better access as he nibbled his way past my jawline and down farther. “Maybe it’s from all that mutant sperm you’re toting around. It’s radioactive or something and now I’m like a walking glow stick.”
The paper in my lap crinkled as Divit’s hand slid to my hip, but he tensed. His lips and tongue, expertly working their way down the column of my pale throat, paused as his head jerked back.
“What? What did I say?” Picking the paper up, I skimmed over it once more and shrugged. “Look, dude, I don’t speak cum count, so you’re just going to have to translate or hand me the paper with the results written in Sperm For Dummies.
Clearing his throat roughly, his eyes darted to my face, then my hands, where they stayed. “It says my count is high, morphology is good, but motility is low, very low.”
Watching him blankly, I nodded. “Right. Right. So... let’s pretend I have no idea what any of that shit means, except the part about high sperm count, which is kind of freaking me out right now, and you just tell me what the hell that means to us? For us?”
As apprehension slowly crept over my undead boy toy’s face, I leaned back to stare him right in the eye. “Your sperm are dead. It doesn’t matter if there’s shit tons because they’re basically null and void. They’re dead, spandy pants. Say it with me.”
Divit sat back and ran a hand through his hair, puffing his cheeks up with air. Slowly exhaling, he glanced away, mumbling, “Well, not exactly.”
It was silent for a long time as I froze, my eyes stilling on that stupid paper in my hands as my throat made a funny squelching noise.
Finally able to tear my eyes away, I craned my neck as I slumped in my seat. “Come again?”
“Mm. Not exactly.”
“But you said...”
A strangled chuckle left the man sitting awkwardly beside me and he grimaced as he tugged at the collar of his fancy button up shirt. “I know what I said, but you also have to remember we aren’t exactly normal- Uh, normally made.”
“Oh... my dear god...” My fingers clenched so tight the paper crumpled into a little ball in my fisted hands.
Divit glanced at me sharply when my nose wrinkled and I squinted up at him.
“Divit, whatever the hell your last name is, soon to be Dobickney, are you telling me you can get me pregnant?” The idea had my head spinning, my throat dry as my ears rang. Glancing down at my pale, semi-dead body, I felt sick to my stomach.
“Giddh. It’s Giddh. And I don’t know.”
“Hah. Ha... Hah-hah!” A small bubble of hysterical laughter filled my throat. “Please tell me you’re kidding me. I can’t have a baby!” Slapping at my chest, I screeched, “I can’t even keep a house plant alive! Do I look like mother material to you?! And, oh, god, there’s you... You’re just... just...”
“I’m just what?” Scowling hard enough to make me flinch, I shook my head and glanced away, tossing his paper to the floorboard.
“You’re, well, you’re... you! And I’m me! We put the what the fuck in dysfunctional! We can’t create life
! I mean, for god’s sake, we’re dead!”
“Not precisely-”
Snarling, I rounded on him. “Oh, you know what I mean!” Panicking, I gripped my hair, a crazed, wild eyed look on my face as I shook my head frantically. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this... I can’t breathe. Holy shit balls, I need air.” Unbuckling and gripping the door handle, I wrenched it open, stumbling out to fumble along the dirt road.
“Norma Gene! What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m freaking the hell out! Screw off!” I lost a shoe somewhere along the way as I tripped over some unidentifiable object in the dark, but I kept going, righting myself to jog faster.
“Don’t you run off on me, woman! Get back here! I didn’t finish explaining!”
“Oh, I think you’ve explained plenty! Now move, I think I’m going to puke!”
Easily catching up, he was after me in seconds. “You’re not going to puke.”
“Divit...” The old vamp knew I was good and riled if I was using his name, pausing a few feet from me, my lost shoe in hand. “If you try to tell me I can’t throw up, when I damn well think I just might, I will pummel you.”
Bringing his hands to his face, my forgotten shoe smacking him in the forehead in the process, he met my troubled gaze. “Look, they’re alive, sort of-”
“Sort of? Sort of? What are they? Zombie sperm?! What’s sort of?”
Divit threw his hands out to slap them to his sides, a low hiss slipping past his lips as his mouth turned down. “Sure, they’re zombie sperm. Why the hell not?! Let’s just go with that. Point is, they move too slowly and they’re abnormal, abnormal by human abnormal standards and Other, which renders me infertile by the test’s standards. And even at that, there’s no guarantee you’re fertile, either. I was just... fuck, I don’t know, letting you know? It was important to you, wasn’t it?” The way he said it hinted at how reticent I’ve been about this whole mate thing, a knot of guilt taking root.
“Oh.” Deflating instantly, I cleared my throat as my eyes darted to my wayward sneaker. Sock covered toes curling in the dirt, I glanced away sheepishly.
Scuffing the toe of my foot that actually had a shoe on into the ground, I peeked up at my companion. “So, I guess I overreacted, huh?”
Divit cracked an eyelid open as he scrubbed at his forehead again, glaring at my shoe as it whacked him in the eye. “You think?”
Bobbing my head in agreement, my chin dipped as my face pinched. Fingers tangling as they dangled loosely in front of me, my lips smacked quietly as they opened and shut, but no words came. What to say to that?
“Right...” Squinting up into his worry lined face, I took a step towards him, and then another. “I’m sorry.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closing again, Divit held a hand up. My shoe held out in it, extended towards me like an offering, he nodded that I should take it. I did, slipping it on before curling my fingers in his. That all too familiar spark zinged through me at his touch.
“I have to show you something, and then you have to come home with me.” Cracking an eyelid open a slit, he growled out low, “Our home.”
Leaving me standing there staring after him, he rounded the car, ducking in to retrieve something to come back moments later. “Here.”
Smoothing it out and handing me the same paper, he flipped it over, motioning that I should read the back.
“You photocopied something on the back of your results?”
Stone faced, he tapped the paper. “Read.”
“Alright, glitter crotch, but I don’t see...” I blinked as I caught the first glimpse. Eyes widening, I read over the paper, then again, and again, just to be sure. Lips parting, my head lifted. “Divit?”
Divit stood in front of me, hooking an arm around my waist to tuck me close as his stone face slipped and he smiled a little, lips twitching until he grinned. “You said I had to take your last name. Never said anything about you not taking mine.”
“Yeah, but...”
Capturing my lips in a searing kiss, he pulled back as laughter slowly built in my belly, tumbling out of me until he had to help hold me up.
“You cheated.” Smacking his chest, I laughed harder. “And how ridiculous are we going to look with each other’s last names? I don’t know how you were even able to do this.”
Divit shrugged, scooping me up to cart me off to the car. “Well, I did. It was your idea though, wasn’t it, but who cares? You’re my mate and I’m yours. If nobody likes it that’s their problem. It’s done.”
Settling me into my seat, my mate’s hands lingered as they brushed across my waist. Our eyes met and he leaned in close. “Is it wrong I want to say it? Not playfully, not because you’re hissing and growling at me and I want to bite the shit out of you and shut you up, but simply because I want to?”
“Is it wrong I’m kind of freaking out?”
“No.” His lips tipped higher and his smile grew downright wicked, a sharp gleam in his eyes. “As long as you don’t run.” His lips drew down then as he scanned my face, searching for something, and he leaned in closer, brushing his lips with mine.
It was a sweet, tender gesture that made my chest ache.
His hand tightened on my waist and a low growl built in his throat as he brushed his nose along the side of mine. “Come home with me—I want you.”
“I thought you said we were going to take things slow?”
“Not changing the rules on me now, sweetheart. Abstinence was never part of the deal, and you’re nuts if you think you won’t cave before me.”
While I pursed my lips and gave him a stubborn look, I wasn’t going to argue. What would be the point? He was right and I had no intention of abstaining. The look on his face for a second there had been priceless, though.
Yanking me towards him, Divit nipped my chin as I gasped, my ass sliding down the seat to fall right into his lap as the startled sound turned into a giggle. Lacing his fingers through my hair, his other hand at my back, he leaned in to breathe in my scent. Shuddering as his fangs dropped, I did the same and we both stared at each other through glowing red eyes.
“And sweetheart,” my vampire lover quipped, “this is slow.”
The speed of mate
“Those are my socks in that drawer, aren’t they?”
“Yes.” Divit drew lazy circles along my back as I sprawled out across him. “The contents of that entire dresser are yours, as are the things in the chest at the foot of the bed.”
“You know you’re going to have to buy new sheets and a comforter, right? There’s no saving those ones.”
My mate shrugged, glancing to the ruined heap by the door. “I’ve been meaning to get new ones. You can help me pick them out.”
“And the dresser thing is kind of creepy.”
“You think so?” His fingers paused, head lifting to glance down at me.
“Uhm, yup.” I gave his nipple a short flick that had him grunting and brushing my fingers away. “Taking it slow, remember?”
“Mm.” His fingers picked up their pace and his head fell back against the pillow. “Then we won’t talk about your shit in the spare bedroom.”
Laughing, thinking him kidding, I propped myself up on my elbows on his chest, my chin in my fist, to glance down at him. Expression completely serious, he wasn’t.
Rolling onto my back, I threw a pillow over my face, my arms pressing over it to muffle my strangled scream. “Mer mismane!” I muffled into the feathery softness.
My deranged lover peeled a corner of the pillow back to peer down at me. “What was that, love? Couldn’t quite hear you.” His brows quirked as he squashed a smirk, but barely.
“You’re insane!”
His lips kicked up then, smarmy as ever, and my mate chuckled, flicking the end of my nose to let the pillow flop back as I shrieked.
“There’s my silver-tongued she-devil.” Tapping my thigh, he rolled to hop up from the bed. “Yo
u can chase after me if you want for saying so, but I love you too, baby.”
The pillow smacked his delectable ass with all the force of a stuffed teddy bear as he sauntered from the room.
“Overbearing! Controlling! Those words mean anything to you?” I shouted after him, flopping back against the mattress to huff and puff at the ceiling.
“Not in the slightest. What about you? Does neurotic or control freak ring any bells, my darling Mrs. Giddh?”
“Run, Divit Dobickney! Run!”
Dobickney, with a big D
A few weeks and several awkward moments later
(Oh, and I’m still living in my basement apartment)
“Divit, huh?”
“Yes, sir,” my mate said quietly, drumming his fingers along the tiny white table Mom had set up in the kitchen by the far wall—the one we have never, as long as I’ve lived, ever eaten at.
Mate—the word didn’t induce an all out panic attack as it once would have.
“Is it a family name?” Dad was frowning at Divit, eyeing the male suspiciously as his shrewd, hazel eyes kept going back to all the puncture marks and fast healing hickies dotting his neck.
Whenever his gaze slid to me his lips twitched and he’d blink, swallowing hard before glancing away as his cheeks flushed. Not in a hold back a smile sort of way but an almost What do I say to that? sort of thing.
“It is now.” Divit smiled lazily, in that annoying way of his that makes me want to kiss and kick him at the same time.
Going for the latter, I kicked his smarmy ass under the table, my foot connecting with his shin. He didn’t even flinch.
I hadn’t quite gotten around to telling dear old Mom and Dad about my having mated yet. I was still trying to figure out how to go about it, ease them into it, sort of.
Getting caught in the act by your parents with your feet by your ears, your lover hammering into you full tilt as you hold on for dear life—you know, because they thought they’d heard you shouting for help moments before—does not exactly warm a father’s heart towards the man pumping- Uhm... I mean, pursuing his daughter.
Pick Your Poison Page 21
