Sweet Nothings

by Daria Doshrelli

  “I’ll be cutting your carcass up piece by piece before I feed it to the sharks,” Basset replied.

  “Lies,” Nadie answered. “You couldn’t be bothered to get your hands dirty. I’ll wager my carcass that you’d have your servants do it, and you do intend to have an army of them, don’t you?”

  Basset smirked. “Nobody ever accused you have having grand vision. With this treasure, the whole world will be fall at my feet, you little dishrag.”

  “More likely the whole world will decide a few glitters and sparkles aren’t so valuable after all. You don’t really think a person becomes a king or queen by covering themselves in gems and demanding their own way, do you? But serving others...” Nadie gave Prince Henry an undisguised look of admiration. “That’s what a true king does. That’s the reason one person lets another wear a crown.” She returned Basset’s smirk. “Still want to be royalty?” Then she stomped on his foot and thrust her free elbow into his gut.

  Basset gasped and reached for the pistol in his belt. Nadie jerked away and crumpled to the ground holding the arm he had twisted behind her back. But the pirates were on the traitor in an instant, the tips of their swords bearing down on him. He snorted and dropped his gun and his knife.

  The prince flung himself to Nadie’s side and scooped her up. When she opened her eyes he was staring into them. He brushed his fingertips against her cheek and down to her ruby lips.

  “Don’t even think about kissing my sister in front of my eyes,” Avery said. “And you…” He leveled his sword at Basset’s midsection. “For all the trouble you’ve caused, move a muscle and I’ll gut you here and now.”

  Chapter 16

  Tad was feeling pretty good about his role as Lady Love’s agent as he left the pigeons to watch over matters on the island while he and Claire returned to the library.

  There were still a few details to work out, such as how to transport all of the Lumares treasure back to the royal coffers, but Prince Henry and Princess Arabella were too busy ogling their newfound true loves to be of any use to their kingdoms at the moment, anyhow. Basset’s crew had deserted him and Wigamus had given the Sea Fox a dose of love potion to keep him besotted and out of trouble. He was doomed to spend the night trying to woo the worm Pip had fallen out of love with after his potion had worn off.

  The ledger allowed Tad to record the case and he was glad to be done with it and get himself a good meal and a good night’s rest. But he walked into the library the next morning with the perfectly respectable intention of watching Roselle in the globe, and there she was.

  Claire sat with her chin in both hands watching Avery and Arabella walk along the beach.

  “Spying on our old clients?”

  She jumped and spun around on her stool. “It’s illogical, royalty and pirates. I wanted to see, after their romantic sentiments flitter away, of course, what their great plans are to deal with the very real problems their proposed matches will create for their kingdoms.”

  “I’m sure it will all work out.”

  “But how will a pirate girl become a queen? And how can a princess just walk away from her stately duties to marry some rogue? And what will their children look like?”

  Tad failed to hold back the snicker in his throat.

  Claire sighed very dramatically. “I suppose someone who’s only interested in kisses and poetic drivel could not be bothered to know anything about politics. Possibly such a person would not know that Lumares has six ruling families but only one high king and queen.”

  “I do know that.”

  “Then you should also know that Arabella is the only princess in that entire realm.”

  “Did all the others already run off with their true loves?”

  Claire’s expression hardened. “What will Lumares do without their last bloodline princess, with no legitimate queen to take the throne once her mother steps down?”

  “I suppose they’ll think of something.” Tad thought of his own family. “Original bloodlines may not be as important as you think.”

  “I don’t want to be responsible for dooming an entire kingdom.”

  “You’re not. Lady Love marked the pairs and all we did was fix their love bonds.”

  Claire grunted her outrage at him, her nostrils flaring again, but the effect was undone by the dimples in her rosy cheeks.

  “You’re absolutely adorable when you’re quiet.”

  Her eyes threatened him with shards of ice.

  “I understand your logical concern that Lumares may have to accept some changes to its traditions, but not your assertion that this is your fault. How could it be? Do you really mean to say you don’t want to feel responsible for anything bad that happens?”

  “No, I…”

  “It is perfectly acceptable to have feelings, you know. You might be unsure what those are, being that your scientific mind has likely driven them away.” He paused as Claire drew in a sharp breath.

  “You don’t know anything about me.”

  “I would if you’d tell me what the Lady promised you in return for your services.”

  A grin came his way. “Still trying to solve that riddle? Don’t bother. You haven’t the mind for it.”

  “Bah.” He started to object, but she was clearly goading him. “How about we just watch together and you can see I am right that Lumares will not suffer any tragedy due to two of its royal citizens falling in love.”

  “With pirates.”

  “Which Lady Love approved.”

  “Hmf.”

  Tad settled himself down on his haunches next to Claire and they both turned their attention to the globe, where Avery and Arabella were walking along the beach alone.

  “You have a sterling reputation, and I have a black one. Or, vice versa, depending on how you look at it,” Avery told the princess. “Either way, mix the two together and you get one very ordinary reputation that nobody cares about at all.”

  Princess Arabella grinned. “Are you suggesting we fabricate a story of what happened here?”

  “More like enhance the original tale,” Avery replied.

  “That means employing a charm,” a voice called out.

  “A con.”

  “A trick.”

  “A bamboozle.”

  “A canoodle.”

  The choir came from a formation of jagged rock.

  “I believe my crew approves of you,” Avery said with a smile at the princess, though he huffed at the heads that peeked up over the rocks.

  “So, I hear you’re an adventurer.” Arabella looked sideways at Avery and nibbled on her lower lip.

  “But did you hear that once upon a time I was a naval man?” Avery’s eyes grew distant. “I wanted to be captain of my own ship, sail across the realms, rescue damsels in distress and such. But with each battle those boyhood dreams faded and I ended up being a plain old thief disguised as a pirate.”

  “Poor you,” Arabella replied. “Came for treasure and all you ended up with is a siren.”

  “I’m perfectly satisfied with that.” Avery leaned over tried to kiss her lips, but Arabella presented him with her cheek. He grinned. “Maybe there’s still a little princess in there, but to me you’ll always be the woman who tried to devour me.”

  The princess gave him a shove that sent him in one-legged totter to the side. She rubbed her forearms as he righted himself. “What do you plan to do now?”

  Avery put his arm around her shoulders and drew her against his side. “I’ve sailed the seven seas, and I was thinking I might retire to a tropical island. Not one of these terrifying plots here, but I have a place or two in mind. Would you be interested in accompanying me…as my wife?”

  Arabella smiled, then frowned. “What about my kingdom? It will be a great scandal that Henry and I refuse to marry.”

  “I believe neither of us is especially interested in the whole personal sacrifice for the sake of other people convention. Terribly unromantic of me to say so, I know. But I am acquainted with tw
o people of marriageable status who are, and one of them happens to be a prince.”

  “Henry and your sister?”

  Avery nodded. “The perfect pair to overthrow the monarchy, don’t you think? Maybe if Nadie becomes queen in your stead due to Henry’s own designs, all will be forgiven?”

  Arabella chuckled. “I have no wish to be queen. As you rightly said, I don’t have the temperament. But if I am to abdicate my position as sole princess and run away with you, it will have to be a very good story to convince the Privy Council to accept Nadie. Henry is already the expected future king. Though he is deaf, he was always set to make a wonderful ruler, very self-sacrificing and attentive to the needs of the people.”

  “And Nadie will have no trouble setting herself up as queen, I’m sure. She already took over my ship. From the first moment we found her hairy little black head in the cargo hold, it was so.”

  “She’s not really your sister?”

  Avery wagged his head. “A stowaway, but I adopted her. Never had a moment’s peace since. The crew pretends not to know she and I aren’t really related. A bunch of bamboozlers, the lot of us. And Nadie has never thanked me, either. Just ignored all my threats to toss her overboard.”

  Arabella nudged him with her shoulder. “And you say you’re not the self-sacrificing type.”

  “I did get something out of the deal. Nadie pretends I mistreat her in demanding she keep the ship in order, prepare our meals, clean up after us and such.” He gave the princess a wink. “But for all of her antics and moaning, she’s fluffy on the inside, loves taking care of everybody, scolding them, and ordering them about. She’s a natural mother if ever I saw one.” He sighed. “Terrible voice, though. Scares away the fish. But try telling her that. And she sings while she works.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s a good thing Henry can’t hear.”

  “A perfect match, then, I suppose,” Arabella said. “True love.”

  “And you’re my true love. It’s strange that I hardly know you but I’m sure you are. I always wished I’d meet you and imagined I had to sail all the seas in all the realms before that day came. This was a great secret, of course. You know a pirate captain was never heard of that would trade a life of looting and pillaging for a lady.”

  Arabella’s eyes twinkled. “Still, what are we going to do about poor Henry? I don’t love him but neither do I wish to see his relations with the Privy Council ruined. Nadie’s not a Lumares princess, no matter how well she’d suit the role. After she’s scrubbed and polished, of course.”

  “We’ll force Nadie on them, attached to Crown Prince Henry. I don’t think either of them will object. I mean, Nadie will certainly pretend to object and Henry will pretend he’s not ready to throw away his crown for her sake. But we know better. And you’re forgetting another important matter.”

  Arabella cast him a quizzical look.

  “We have the real Sea Fox. He’s worth a queen’s ransom.”

  “It’s not only a matter of money anymore. The two kingdoms were to be united through my marriage to Henry. I was fooling myself in believing this expectation would be done away with just by doing away with the pirates. It was desperation that drove me to seek out Mathilde’s help. I should have looked for another way.”

  “And you say you’re not the self-sacrificing type.”

  “Get rid of the pirates, get my true love to rescue me. It was at least half selfish of me.” She frowned. “Never imagined what Mathilde had in mind to keep her end of our agreement, though.”

  “But you were right that the whole idea of your strange monarchy began with the necessity to stop the dread pirate menace, as Henry called the lot of us in his many, many threats of annihilation. With Henry’s report that the pirates are gone, and with the gold being returned to the royal coffers and the Sea Fox in custody, all of that ought to be enough for Henry’s heart to have a say in the matter. He’ll be crowned a true hero now.”

  “You may be right. However, Lumares has not had a queen of non-royal lineage in many generations.” The princess’s eyes drifted toward the clouds. “But future queen Nadie and the seven valiant warriors under her command rid the world of the pirates and recaptured the treasure to save the kingdom? Yes, that’s what happened. Then Henry came along and rescued her when her selfless act landed her in peril. We’ll even give her a new name, a pristine one worthy of a princess.” She grinned. “Do you think they’ll be put out with us when we inform them of our brilliant plan?”

  A broad smile stretched Avery’s face. “Nadie will certainly protest that she has not fallen head over heels for Henry’s silence and that she’s the one who did all the work rescuing him.”

  “It will have to be a very good story for Lumares to consent to Nadie as its new queen. In all likelihood the Privy Council will create an official and highly embroidered account of the events, one where Nadie is indeed a princess cursed by a spiteful villain, and Henry hardly figured into anything at all. I might suggest a detail or two.” She tapped her chin thoughtfully.

  “I’m proud to know my true love is a master schemer.”

  Princess Arabella laughed. “That might come in useful if I’m to be living in the wilds of an island paradise, although I would like to sail the seas with you first.”

  “Then you accept?”

  “I’m not so easy, sir. Yes, you did in fact rescue me from a fate worse than death. But you must court me properly. After all, we hardly know each other. And surely you know you’ll have to speak with my father.” She raised her eyebrows at him. “The king. Need I remind you I am his one and only baby girl?”

  “Imagine his surprise when you bring me home.”

  Arabella rubbed his arm. “Imagine your surprise when I make him and my mother agree to let you whirl me around the world.”

  “Allow me to begin now.” Avery swooped down to plunder a kiss from his true love’s lips.

  Tad pointed at the spectacle in the globe. “What did I tell you? The princess is a schemer.”

  “I congratulate you on being accidentally correct. This time.” Claire hopped up and moved behind the bookcase where she had installed her nest of ferocious creatures.

  Tad followed, not that he was interested in whatever she was up to. To his horror, the things were no longer in their cage but in a tall wooden box lined with a blanket and overstuffed with shredded fabric.

  “Georgie, Porgie, Mary Sue…Popo?” Claire poked her head around the nest.

  Tad’s stomach clenched. All of those things had names?

  “He’s gone!”

  Tad averted his eyes.

  “You stole him,” Claire hissed at him, every part of her threatening homicide.

  “Why would I want him?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Do you or do you not know what has befallen him?”

  Tad pressed his lips together. Claire kept glaring at him. “It wasn’t my fault he stowed away in my pocket,” he whimpered out.

  “I knew it.”

  “He found his way into my gift basket and…Well, Roselle may have thought I was offering him to her as a pet.”

  “You…”

  Tad put up his hands. “It was an accident. True, I never liked him, but that’s exactly why I would not intentionally give him to the love of my life. Plus, I wasn’t even thinking of him when I magicked myself out of the library so I don’t know how he managed to make the trip in one piece. He must have used some sort of vile magic to—”

  “A likely story.”

  “It’s true. And how was I to know all ladies, even those as dainty as Roselle, can’t resist creepy little things with big eyes? Just imagine how astonished I was when she started with the oohs and aahs.” He put on a sad face to arouse her sympathy over his predicament. “She lost her old pet, you know, to some sort of calamity. I couldn’t take this one back. As much as I disagree, Roselle thought he’d make a good pet.”

  “He’s not a pet at all. He’s family.”

  Sure. “He has a goo
d home now. You should be happy for him.”

  “You get him back right this instance, or else.”

  Tad lifted his chin. “I have been forced to endure the company of werebeasts, bloodthirsty witches, giants, evil fairy godmothers, pirates, and cursed princesses that eat people. All that and tomorrow is a new day with probably another disaster I will have to resolve. My life is one episode of horror heaped upon another. There is nothing else you can do to me.”

  “Is that your hypothesis?”

  Tad gulped down the lump that formed at her seething expression. “How about I get you a new pet?”

  “Family is irreplaceable.”

  “On the contrary, I’m sure you can find something just as ferocious lying around on our next case.”

  “You never understood him at all.”

  “I am happy to report that is correct. Besides, you said he was a specimen and you seem to be done with your experiments, so I hardly see why you care what happens to him.” He gave her a curt nod. Take that, logic.

  Moisture flooded Claire’s eyes. She magicked herself away.

  What was wrong with the girl, creating a tragedy out of nothing at all? How could anybody get so upset over a ratty little pest they had conjured up from its ratty little hole on an enchanted island? The beast didn’t even belong in this realm.

  Something squirmed in Tad’s pocket. He looked down to see a familiar head. “You little jerk. Do you have any idea how she’s gone on about you?”

  Popo turned a pair of innocent eyes up at him.

  “A likely story,” Tad said. “You magic yourself into Claire’s pocket right this instant, or else.”

  Popo did not budge.

  “I mean it.”

  The creature creeped up his shirt and onto his chest.

  Tad instinctively formed a cradle with his arms and the thing jumped into them. “Why are you following me around?” A strange thought occurred to him. “Do you happen to enjoy poetry?”