by Tessa Radley
* * *
When Ella came back to the living room, Yevgeny’s gaze fastened to her. He’d settled himself on the sofa, and she hesitated a moment before perching on the opposite end. She turned so that she was facing him, and drew her bare feet up onto the seat.
“You’ve decided you’re going to keep the baby,” he said.
Ella blinked at him. There was loneliness in his eyes. Was he giving up? “No, I haven’t changed my mind.” At least not about that.
“No?”
This was so hard. “I love Holly.”
There, she’d said it. Now for the next bit...
“But my keeping Holly would not be in her best interests.” Ella got restlessly to her feet.
“Because you’ve got your mind fixed on wanting her to be raised by a family?”
Because she’d make a terrible parent. “That’s part of it, but not the only reason I can’t do it.”
She’d reached the Christmas tree. Ella leaned forward and scooped up a wrapped scroll.
“I’d planned to give you this tomorrow, on Christmas Day. But now is as good a time as any.”
She handed it to him. He took it with reluctance. “Open it,” she said.
He drew out the document she’d rolled up and secured with gold ribbon. “What is this?”
Even as he pulled the ribbon loose, Yevgeny stared across at Ella.
She sighed. “It’s my consent to the adoption.”
He glanced down. “Why give it to me...”
The moment his voice trailed away Ella knew he’d seen his name. “It’s in your favor.”
When he looked up, the brilliance in his eyes made her want to cry. But this time with joy...and relief.
She was doing the right thing.
“I can’t offer her a big sister—or a mother,” he said. “But I can offer her a home, a garden, a place to call her own.”
“I think Holly will be very fortunate to call the house we looked at together home.”
“But more than a home, I can offer her every bit of love I am capable of giving. And I can offer her an aunt and an uncle—” he hesitated “—and a tummy mummy who are all her family.”
The sweetness of his words caused her to smile.
“What about the other family?” he asked.
His concern caused her heart to melt. “I’ve already told Jo—she promised to let them know.” At least she’d never told them they were getting the baby. To hold out hope then snatch it away in such circumstances was more than Ella could bear.
Mixed up with a sense of sadness at the goodbyes she needed to say to Holly once Christmas was over was relief that Yevgeny wouldn’t be taking her away. He wouldn’t whisk Holly away to Russia—or London. He would be working and living in Auckland. He was buying a house with Holly in mind. She’d seen the room that would be Holly’s. She would be able to visualize Holly safe in her home, keep her in mind in the months—years—that lay ahead.
Ella knew she would see the baby and, thanks to Jo Wells, Yevgeny knew how important it was to her that this be an open adoption.
She shouldn’t be feeling like this....
So empty.
Like her guts—her heart—had been ripped out.
Get over it. For once, Ella found the bracing words didn’t work.
So she tried reason instead. Her daughter would still live in the same city, not across the ocean in another world.
And she would stay in touch with the baby.
That made Ella feel better.
While Holly would not call her mom, she would always be Holly’s tummy mummy—Yevgeny had made that clear. She felt a lump forming at the back of her throat. The alternative, cutting all ties to the little girl, would be so much worse. It was not an option—not for Holly.
And not for her.
Yet the night he’d made love to her, Yevgeny had offered more. He’d asked her to marry him. She had said no in a way that had brooked no argument. For one wild, magic moment Ella considered what might have happened if she’d accepted.
Then she shrugged it away. The moment was past. He would not ask again. Why should he? He had what he wanted....
Holly.
Why would he want her? He didn’t even like her....
Why could it not have been different?
She quickly stifled that thought. That would mean that she never agreed to act as surrogate for Keira and Dmitri, that Holly had never been born, that she would never have gotten to know Yevgeny better.
And those were things she could not contemplate living without now.
Because she loved Holly.
As for Yevgeny...she was so confused about the swings of emotion he aroused in her. Anger. Passion. Empathy. And something she feared to name.
So when his arms came around her, the lighted Christmas tree, the gaily colored packages, all dissolved in a blur of tears as Ella started to weep uncontrollably.
Twelve
“Hey, don’t cry,” Yevgeny whispered against Ella’s hair, and his arms tightened around her.
She snuffled. “I’m not crying.” And she felt him smile.
“Sure you’re not.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. After a moment he added, “Thank you for my Christmas gift. It is without a doubt the best present I’ve ever received.”
“My pleasure.” Ella found she meant it. With her tears stanched, she lifted her head and warned him, “But you better make Holly happy.”
His expression deadly serious, he said, “My offer is still open. If you marry me and come live with us, you’ll be able to gauge for yourself how happy she is.”
Ella’s heart leaped, and then settled into a rapid beat.
The offer was unbearably tempting. Looking away, she focused on the flickering of the Christmas lights. There was something about the powerful emotions that Yevgeny stirred in her that made her suspect she was falling in love with him. Heck, not falling...fallen.
She was in love.
It had been so long, she’d forgotten how it felt to be in love.
And back then it had been so different. Young love. This time it was deeper...less impulsive. Yet Ella knew if she accepted Yevgeny’s proposal she needed to be sure that her love was strong enough for both of them. There could be no going back because Holly would suffer.
Of course, they shared that bond. She loved Holly...and Yevgeny loved the baby, too.
But, despite his proposal, Ella was under no illusion that he loved her. He never had. Could he learn to love her in the future? Was it worth taking a chance on that? Could she love enough for two?
“So what do you think?” he asked at last.
“I’m scared,” she said honestly, switching her gaze back to find him still watching her with that unnerving intensity.
“Scared? You?” There was disbelief in his voice. “But why?”
Not ready to confess that she wasn’t sure about the wisdom of going into a marriage where he didn’t love her, she said instead, “I don’t know that I’d make a very good mother.”
He reared back and looked down at her. “What makes you think that? You’re wonderful with Holly. I didn’t think that at the start but you’ve managed to convince me. Your love for her is evident every time you look at her.”
“My parents haven’t provided the best template, but to be truthful, that’s not the only reason I think I’d be a hopeless failure as a mother...and wife.”
“Who was he?”
She gave him a startled look. “How did—” Ella broke off. Then, “What makes you think there was a man?” she hedged.
“Your reaction.” Yevgeny’s brow was creased in a frown of concern, and his hold loosened, giving her more space. “Tell me who he was.”
Did she really want to expose herself to the possibility that he might not even understand her pain? Perhaps the time had come to reveal something more. It was the only way to discover if there was substance to this attraction that floated between them.
Her shoulders slumping, she said, “I was eighteen, he was nineteen. We were in love.”
A shadow passed across his face.
“You can’t imagine it, can you?” Ella pulled a face. “I was besotted. I thought it was forever.”
“What happened?”
“I got pregnant.”
He sighed, the sound overloud in the living room of Ella’s town house. Something cold shriveled in Ella’s chest. “It was perfectly predictable,” she said. “He disappeared as soon as I told him. All his promises of our future together vanished as he ran for the plane to take him to a new job and new future in Australia. Within weeks I heard he had a new girlfriend, too.”
“And you were left holding the baby.” Ella could feel the tension that coiled through his body even before he asked, “You had an abortion?”
She gave him a sharp look and broke out of his arms, shifting to sit on the side of the sofa farthest from him. “No!”
“So what happened to the baby?”
“The baby,” she said through stiff lips, “died.”
* * *
This time Yevgeny brooked no resistance as he took Ella in his arms.
Her body was rigid and she felt worryingly cold. He rubbed his hands along her arms, and marveled that he’d ever considered Ella a human icicle.
She was complex, yet kind. And she’d endured more than any woman should need to.
“I’m sorry.”
He brushed his lips over hers in a gesture of sympathy. Her mouth clung to his, and Yevgeny kept the contact until she finally broke it.
“Thank you.”
He let the silence surround them, not pressing her to tell him more. It was curiously companionable, with no rough edges as she nestled closer. His hands stroked along her back, touching, offering wordless comfort, even as Yevgeny wished he could take the pain from her.
When she did speak, she lifted her face up to him and said, “Make love to me.”
“Now?” His hands paused in their stroking. “Are you sure?”
She nodded, her honey-colored eyes pleading. “Yes. Now. Here. I want to feel alive again.”
This time their loving held a well of tenderness.
Rather than passion, it was care and concern that Yevgeny expressed with every stroke and touch. Only when her body softened, became increasingly fluid, did he finally pull her over him and let her take him into her.
Then he rocked her.
Slowly and so gently. Until the sensations built to a peak and the passion broke.
When it was over, he pulled her up against him, and held her tight.
A while later, Ella straightened up. “I feel much better.” She sounded surprised. “Definitely more alive.”
“Good.”
She sat up slowly and reached for the clothing she’d discarded. “You’ve been very patient.”
“It’s one of my less well-known qualities.” He gave her a small smile and was relieved when her eyes sparkled back. After she’d pulled the garments on, Yevgeny reached out his hand and took hers. “I’m here for as long as you need me.”
Astonishment flitted across her face, followed by acceptance. “Thank you.”
“I’m the one who needs to say thank you,” he said, “for giving me Holly.”
“The other baby—” Ella broke off.
“You don’t need to talk about that if you don’t wish to.”
“I want to.” Her eyes met his bravely. “The other baby was going to be adopted out. It was a closed adoption—my parents thought it would be for the best. I never knew anything about the family she was going to—only that they couldn’t have children. Once the baby was gone...I knew I would never see it again.”
That’s why she’d been so insistent about an open adoption this time around, he realized. “That must have been hard to deal with.”
Her eyes had gone blank. She’d retreated into the world of the past. “The morning I went into labor—I changed my mind. I wanted to keep the baby. My parents wouldn’t hear of it. We were still fighting when I went into labor. It was a boy.”
Yevgeny waited. Nothing he could say would be adequate to comfort her.
“But something went wrong. The cord was wrapped around his neck...and he died. I felt like I’d killed him—by changing my mind and deciding to keep him.”
“No!”
“I know. It’s not a rational fear. But it took me a long time to come to terms with it.”
Yevgeny finally understood why it had been so difficult for her to change her decision to give Holly up to a couple who could love her...to give her to him.
It had taken courage. She’d had to conquer her demons.
“You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever met,” he told her.
It was then that he realized how deeply he loved her. But now was not the time to convince her that marrying him would heal them all.
So all he said was, “Come, let me hold you.”
* * *
When the doorbell rang on Christmas morning, Ella had no idea who could be outside.
She pulled open the door to find Keira and Dmitri on the doorstep, luggage piled up beside them. “You’re back!”
Concern instantly settled over her. What had gone wrong? Then she gathered her scattered thoughts.
“Merry Christmas! Don’t stand out on the doorstep. Come in.”
Ushering the pair into her living room, while leaving the luggage stacked in the hall, Ella asked, “What happened? Why’ve you left Malawi?”
Keira came to a halt in the middle of the room and exchanged glances with Dmitri.
“Ella, we’ve changed our minds.”
Something in her sister’s tense tone caused adrenaline to surge through Ella’s veins. “You’ve changed your mind? About volunteering in Malawi?”
But she knew...
It was much, much more.
“No, about the baby.” Keira’s words confirmed what Ella had already sensed. Keira wore a mulish expression. “Dmitri and I have decided we’re going to keep Jessica.”
“Jessica?” Ella’s brain was spinning. “Her name isn’t Jessica, it’s Holly.”
“We’ve chosen to name her Jessica.” Dmitri placed an arm around Keira’s shoulders and drew her close.
This was what she’d wanted...wasn’t it? Taking in their unified pose, Ella swallowed. She’d hoped for Keira to change her mind and keep the baby. Yet now confronted by the pair who had just announced that’s what they wanted, Ella found the idea of losing Holly terrified her.
Then anger set in.
“But you gave her up—you told me to sort everything out.”
“We made a mistake.”
Her sister’s eyes filled with tears. For the first time ever, Keira’s tears failed to move Ella. The customary protectiveness failed to materialize. This time it was Holly she wanted to protect.
“You decided you weren’t ready for a baby yet.”
“That’s what we thought, but the time in Malawi made us decide we’re ready for parenthood.”
“It’s too late, Keira—”
“She’s already been adopted? You’ve signed the consent?” Keira must’ve seen the answer in her eyes. “You should’ve let me know—”
“You walked away—you made her my problem. Remember?”
“Because I knew you would be able to give her up for adoption—you’ve done it before. And you did it without any trouble.” Keira huddled closer to Dmitri. “I’m not as tough as you, Ella, I couldn’
t face the pain. I could never have done it.”
Tough? A shaft of pain shot through Ella. Was that how her sister saw her? Did no one see how painful these decisions were for her? Ella swallowed. She’d lost one baby—she wasn’t losing this one. “I couldn’t give Holly up.”
“Then why did you imply she’s been adopted?”
“Wait, let me get a word in edgewise. I never said she’s been given up for adoption. I’m getting married—I’m going to keep her.”
“Married?” Keira gave a laugh of surprise. “To who?”
“Your sister is marrying me.”
The dark voice came from behind her. Yevgeny. Relief swarmed through Ella as he enfolded her in his arms. She shut her eyes and allowed herself to lean into his strength.
Strength. Comfort. Understanding. That was what he’d offered her through this period of turmoil. He’d been there for her—and Holly—every minute. He’d never failed her or walked away.
He was a man in a million.
A man worth loving. Forever.
It would be so easy to abdicate all responsibility, to let Yevgeny take over. But it wasn’t fair.
Ella forced herself to keep steady. And to think. Was this the best course for Holly? She loved Yevgeny but he didn’t love her. But he was reliable. He would never leave her.... She knew from what he’d told her about his mother walking out on him and Dmitri he would never do that to his own child. Could she marry him under such circumstances, knowing there was no way out?
“We came back for the baby.” Dmitri stood toe to toe with his older brother.
“Until you change your mind again next week?”
“We won’t.”
“Ella and I are hardly convinced. Until you turned up here today we haven’t received one call from the pair of you to find out how the baby was.”
“I called,” objected Keira. “Only once but at least I called.”
“This is true?” Yevgeny spoke into Ella’s ear.
She nodded slowly, and waited for him to stiffen, to release his hold and withdraw his support.
But he stayed exactly where he was.
Before she could say anything, Keira started to speak. “Yes, Ella told me she’d hired a nanny, that she was back at work. I felt so guilty. I knew the baby was screwing up her life.”
