by Donna Alward
His face paled. She hadn’t meant to hurt him. She just wanted to be honest.
“I don’t want to be needy, and clingy and...small. Does that make sense? I want to discover things. See places, meet people. But it would be nice to do that with a partner by my side. I won’t be like my mom, Jack. I won’t live my life beating myself up about it, wondering what I might have done differently so you’d love me. I know you had your heart broken. I don’t know why you can’t move past it, but you can’t.”
“She had an abortion.”
The room dropped into silence.
Amy stared at him. The color was back in his cheeks. Too much color, she realized. He hadn’t meant to say it. It had just come out. But it was out there now and she wasn’t going to ignore it.
“Who did? Sheila?”
He rose. “Forget I said anything. I should go.”
She jumped up and grabbed his arm. “Oh, no, you don’t. You can’t drop a bomb like that and run away.”
She lifted her chin and met his eyes. “Talk to me,” she said quietly. “You know I don’t judge. Just talk to me, Jack. Sheila was pregnant, wasn’t she? That’s why it hurt so much?”
He looked down into her eyes for a long moment. She could see the longing there, the need for him to unburden himself of the secret and also the urge to hide away again. She squeezed his arm with her fingers, trying to reassure him.
He nodded, almost imperceptibly, but she saw the affirmation. “She told me a month before we left for France.”
Once he said it, his muscles relaxed beneath her hand.
He sat heavily on the sofa, and this time she sat beside him, her hand resting reassuringly on his thigh. Maybe he’d hurt her but he’d given her a great gift, too. Opportunity. New horizons. She owed him even if it simply meant being a friend.
“Was that when you decided to finish out the season and leave your coach?”
He nodded. “You have to understand what he was like. So driven, but really likable in public. Charming. Well-respected. No one had any idea what he was like in private. I idolized him—until I saw the bruises on her arms one day before she could cover up.”
“He hurt her?”
“Yes.”
“And you fell in love with her. Didn’t you worry about what would happen if he found out?”
Jack looked straight ahead, his jaw a hard line. “Yes. All the time.”
He was quiet for so long she had to nudge him. “What happened in France, Jack?”
He turned his head, a quick motion that told her she’d interrupted some thought or memory. “France?” His lips pursed. “I really don’t want to talk about this.”
“You need to. You need to tell someone what happened. Does Callum know?”
He shook his head.
“No one?”
“Not a soul.”
“But Jack. Something this big is too much to carry around on your own.” She lifted her hand and touched his cheek. “You can trust me. You know that, don’t you?”
His eyes closed for a minute. His throat bobbed as if he were having trouble swallowing. “I knew she was pregnant. We had to keep it quiet, but I’d worked it all out. I was telling her how it was all going to go down after the season was done. I’d fire him and she would leave him and we’d be together. We’d raise the baby together. We just had to make it through the rest of the season without him suspecting. But she said she couldn’t. That he’d kill her if he found out she was carrying another man’s child.” His voice went flat, as if removing the emotion would somehow make the next words easier to say. “And she told me that she’d already taken care of it.”
“She’d terminated the pregnancy.” Amy’s stomach seemed to drop to her feet. Abortion was so...final.
“Without even telling me, without talking to me about it. Without giving me a chance to change her mind.... It was like I didn’t even enter the equation.”
“Oh, Jack. You wanted the baby?”
“I wanted them both,” he confessed, his voice raw.
She knew he wasn’t aware that a tear had escaped the corner of his eye and was running down his cheek. “And then you blew out your knee, ending your career....”
Jack shook his head. “No. First we got caught by a photographer and a picture showed up in a tabloid. And then Chase confronted her and I interrupted their argument. It escalated from there. I told him if he ever touched her again that I’d kill him. And then I told her we were leaving.”
“And did she leave with you?”
“No.” The word was flat. “I might have forgiven the abortion in time. I was hurt and angry but I did understand that her reality was twisted and she was afraid. I offered her a way out, Amy. I would have quit skiing right then. Would’ve forgotten about qualifying for another Olympics or being on the podium for the World Cup. I would have gotten on a plane and taken us both home. But she didn’t say anything. She just stood there, looking at the floor.” His voice caught. “I offered her a way out and she didn’t take it. She chose him. I still don’t understand how she could do that.”
So many things became clear for Amy then. His rescue complex, for one. While she was at the ranch she’d heard about how he’d stepped in and saved it and most of the jobs of the employees, as well. She knew he’d taken care of all of Rosa’s expenses after her accident. He’d come into the country club bathroom and saved her embarrassment and given her a job. All the time trying to make up for the one person he hadn’t been able to save.
“I’m so sorry, Jack.”
He shrugged. “I was so stunned that I let down my guard. And that was when he hit me.”
He lifted his hand and touched the scar by his ear. “I should have seen it coming. His ring cut me. I didn’t fight back and he hit me again. The blow gave me a concussion. I should never have competed. I knew I didn’t feel right, but at that point skiing was all I had left. It was the only thing that made sense. I blacked out on the training run and went down. And that’s when I blew the knee.”
“And so you lost everything.”
“Yes. And now you know why I don’t talk about it. It was not my finest hour.”
He put his elbows on his knees. She’d never seen him this way—utterly resigned. He was always larger than life. Take-charge. Even when he was more relaxed at the ranch, there was a confidence about him that was missing right now.
She tried to offer a different perspective. “I can’t speak for Sheila, but sometimes it’s easier to stay where you are, even if it’s not a good place, if what is waiting for you is scary. The unknown can be pretty intimidating.”
“You did it.”
She smiled a little. “But not until I was ready. And you gave me the shove I needed. Besides, I had nothing as traumatic as spousal abuse to deal with either, Jack.”
“I know.” He sighed. “But I can’t help but think that my son or daughter would have been in school by now. Might have had my hair or her eyes. And I’ll never know, you know?”
She rubbed his back and blinked back tears. She’d known he had his heart broken but hadn’t figured it was something like this. She hadn’t even realized he liked kids, or wanted his own. It was a new dimension to Jack that only added to her depth of feeling for him. He was so extraordinary, but unless he was willing to meet her halfway, she knew deep down that it would never work. And that hurt her more than anything.
“Do you still love her, Jack?” She held her breath, waiting for his answer.
“No. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really loved her at all or if I just got caught up in the situation. But I must have. Otherwise it wouldn’t have hurt so much. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so afraid to...”
He broke off, as if he’d finally realized he’d said too much. But Amy picked up on it and pressed forward. “Afraid to what?”
He looked over at her. His eyes were unreadable, distant, as if he’d put a wall up between the words he was saying and the emotion behind them. “Afraid to give myself to anyone again. It wasn’t just the leaving. I was betrayed and the cost was almost too much for me to take. I never want to put myself in that position again. I’ll never give anyone the power to hurt me like that again.”
Amy’s heart sank. For all his confiding in her, there really was no hope, was there? It would be so easy to give in. To fool herself into believing she could reach him in time. It’s what she normally would do.
But this time was different. Not just because she’d become stronger. But because in all the years she’d been searching, she’d never felt like this before. Not even with Terry. She loved Jack not with the idealistic eyes of a girl, but with the heart of a woman. With all his attributes and flaws.
“If I thought being with you on whatever terms you set would take away your pain, I’d gladly do it. But that’s up to you. You have to want to move on. You don’t want to because if you don’t move on, then you don’t forget either the pain or the love. Because somehow you see forgetting as a betrayal.”
“Amy...”
“And so you spend your time building things and moving from one thing to another trying to find contentment and you never quite find it. You rescue people to make up for the one time you couldn’t. I love you, Jack, but I can’t be another one of your causes. You’d eventually move on and I’d just be...left behind.”
He sighed. “I wish I could tell you you’re wrong. I do care for you, Amy. The time we spent together...it’s the closest I’ve been to someone since her.” Pain was etched on his face as he let her down in the kindest way possible. “You’re beautiful and kind and way smarter than you give yourself credit for. But you were right back in Montana when you said you needed someone who was going to meet you in the middle. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do that.”
It felt very final. A heavy weight settled in the pit of her stomach; there was no reason to keep him from walking out the door now. At least they’d talked. At least she understood. She didn’t even blame him. Everyone had their baggage to drag around, their personal crosses to bear.
He got up from the sofa. “I really should go.”
“I’ll walk you out.”
At the front door he paused. “The job is still yours if you want it. You don’t need to decide now. I thought it would be a way for you to do something you’re good at and still be close to home for your mom.”
The consideration made her heart ache. “Thanks, Jack. I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
Their gazes clung for a long moment, a sequence of breaths in which she replayed that beautiful night in her mind once more. He could be giving and open if he would just let himself go and learn to trust again. But if she’d learned anything from her parents’ failed marriage, it was that it didn’t work when one person gave more, loved more, wished more.
And so she let him go. And shut the door.
Chapter Fourteen
Something felt off. Jack should have hit the highway and made for the airport, but instead he found himself heading just out of town toward Callum’s.
Hell of a time to need his big brother.
He pulled into the driveway of Callum’s farm and took a moment to look around. The house was small, but in the spring they were planning on adding a piece and expanding their family. There was nothing out of place around the barn, which sported a fresh coat of paint. His brother was happy, doing what he wanted, with a fine, pretty wife and an adorable daughter.
But a year ago he’d been hiding away, licking his wounds over a broken engagement and nursing his guilt over some accident on his last deployment. How had he moved past all that to happiness?
Jack shivered in the cold as he walked up to the front door and knocked. Avery answered, looking radiant and happy with an angelic Nell in her arms.
“Jack! We weren’t expecting you. Come on in. Callum’s just having some coffee before going out to milk.”
“Thanks.” He stepped inside. The house was warm and smelled like chocolate cake. Avery had probably been baking. “Sorry to just drop in...”
“Don’t be silly. You’re welcome anytime. Heard you closed on the ranch deal.”
He smiled. “Yeah.”
Callum came in from the kitchen. “Hey, bro. What brings you by? You forget something at lunch?”
“You got a few minutes?”
“I was just heading to the barn, but you’re welcome to join me. If you’re not afraid of getting your pretty clothes dirty.”
“Shut up. And lend me a pair of boots.”
Callum’s fast grin made Jack feel better. He and his brother hadn’t been all that close for a while, but lately they’d gotten closer. He took off his shoes and shoved his feet into the boots Callum took from a small closet, then traded his jacket for a heavy denim one that Callum handed over.
“I’ll be back in for dinner.” Callum gave Nell and Avery a quick kiss.
“You staying, Jack? There’s plenty.”
“Naw. I’ll need to be heading back to the airport. Thanks, though.”
He ruffled Nell’s hair and gave Avery a smile.
He thought of Sheila...briefly. And then thought of Amy. Her blond, shiny curls, and how she’d look holding a golden, curly-headed baby in her arms.
His insides tumbled around uneasily.
The inside of the barn was warmer than Jack expected, sheltered from the icy wind. Callum turned on a radio, the soft sounds of a local country station filling the milking parlor. Jack had spent enough time at their uncle’s, too, to know how things worked. For a few minutes they worked in silence, bringing in the first cows and hooking them up to the milking machines.
“You got something on your mind, Jack?” Callum looked over and raised an eyebrow.
“You could say that.” Talking about his feelings was never easy, but he thought maybe Callum would understand, considering how badly Jane had hurt him when she’d broken off their engagement only weeks after he’d returned from overseas. “You’re happy, right?”
Callum chuckled. “I’ve been married what, six weeks? I think that still qualifies as the honeymoon period.”
Jack grinned. “Yeah. But...before that. How did you... I mean, you went through a lot. How did you get to a place where you could trust Avery?”
Callum’s gaze sharpened. “This about you and Amy? Or you and Sheila?”
Jack shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. “Both, I guess. Amy and I, we...” He frowned. “I don’t know what we are.”
“You love her?”
Jack shrugged.
Callum’s expression grew concerned. “I spent a lot of time thinking about all the reasons why I couldn’t trust Avery because of what Jane did. But she wasn’t Jane. Amy’s not Sheila, either.”
“So how did you get past it?” Jack looked up, wondering if Callum had a magic bullet for moving beyond the past. He hoped to God he did, because all this confusion was getting annoying. He talked himself in and out of his feelings all day long and never came to any good conclusion.
Callum was quiet for a while. They unhooked the first cows, released them from the parlor and brought in the next, cleaning the udders and hooking them up.
The rhythmic sound of the milking machine and the radio filled the comfortable room. “It wasn’t easy. And I nearly screwed it up for good. She left and went back to Ontario and took Nell with her.”
Jack gaped. He hadn’t known that. “What happened?”
Callum smiled. “I realized that there was something worse than risking getting hurt again.”
“What was that?”
Callum put a hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Living the rest of my life without her.”
Jack couldn’t move. The words rippled through him, sounding so right it was terrifying. Nothing had been the same since he’d followed Amy into that restroom at the wedding. He’d told himself all sorts of things, but the moment she’d tossed her hair back and followed him onto the dance floor something had changed.
“Scary as hell, isn’t it?”
Callum’s voice interrupted Jack’s thoughts. Dazed, Jack stared at his brother. “What did you do?”
“I packed a bag and planned to go after her. Only she showed up on my doorstep first. Turned out she couldn’t live without me, either. Made it a whole lot less scary.”
Jack shook his head, his thoughts settling. “Amy’s not like that. She showed me the door.”
A rich chuckle filled the air. “Avery knows her a lot better than I do, but from what I gather she’s a firecracker. And smart, too, if she can see through your legendary charm. No woman in their right mind is going to compete with the woman you can’t forget. What’d you do, tell her you’d never let anyone hurt you that way again?”
Heat climbed his neck.
“Oh, for God’s sake,” Callum chided. “You’re an idiot.”
“I know that.”
Another set of cows was done and they paused to work again, the routine of it comforting. There was a reason Callum liked farming, a reason Jack enjoyed the ranch. It was simple and constant. In a crazy, mixed-up world, it made sense.
Finally Callum spoke again. “What you’ve got to ask yourself is, is she going to become the woman you can’t forget? Is being without her worse than facing your fear? Because life doesn’t have guarantees. Sometimes you have to take a risk to be happy. And if she makes you happy, the hell with the rest.”
Jack stared at his brother for a long moment. “I offered her a job,” he admitted.
