by Chloe Liese
I’d have to tell him in the morning, or rather say out loud what I’d seen in his eyes downstairs he already knew. That I was pregnant, that I loved this baby, and I wanted her or him, whether or not one day he was blind. I was already planning how to talk to Nairne, sure she would give me some hope about genetic therapies and cures. I’d believe her, because I was already consumed with a mother’s desperation.
I heard Lucas’s deep voice downstairs, steady as the rise and fall of the ocean. Finally, I drifted asleep, hand pressed over my aching stomach. I dreamed about Adrien, as I had so many times before. Since sleeping with Lucas, my dreams were gone, as if he guarded my heart even in our sleep. But Lucas was not with me, and so here I was again.
Like always, Adi ran into the road, but this time, I caught up to him. Then, as if my life’s moments were fusing together, I threw him out of the way just in time to take the glancing hit from the car, as I had with Lucas. I doubled over in pain that perforated my dream and lurched me awake. A sharp cramp low in my stomach took hold, and I groaned involuntarily, curling up into a ball.
The pain amplified in intensity and duration, and I was afraid. This couldn’t be right. I tried to sit up and walk when the pain stopped. Perhaps it was indigestion, and I needed to let it run its course. It felt sort of like it, but worse than I’d experienced. I almost made it to the toilet before another wave hit, so painful I stumbled into the floor lamp. It fell with an almighty crash as I crumpled to the ground, crawling the rest of the way. I reached for the ledge of the sink to pull myself up, but paused, groaning as a spasm took over and a rush of liquid left me. Glancing down in horror, I watched dark clots of blood fall from my body and splatter on the gray tiles. It could only mean one thing.
“No, no, no,” I whispered, tears falling hard and fast. This was my baby, my little miracle. I couldn’t lose my baby. Blood pooled on the floor beneath me, and I crawled to the shower, pulling myself onto the bench and turning on the water. It was frigid at first, causing me to gasp and shiver, and I pulled my shirt off, then threw it out of the stall. I held my stomach as another wave hit. This time my back ached fiercely, too.
Scrunching my eyes shut, I prayed to a God I hadn’t prayed to in a very long time, begging this to be a mistake. The water began to warm, and as my shivers ended, I hazarded a glance down, whimpering when I saw more blood. I couldn’t look. If I didn’t look, then it wasn’t real.
“Oh, God!” Lucas’s alarmed voice made my eyes snap open. He nearly slipped on the blood in the bathroom as he came my way. His eyes, wide with worry, found me as he stepped into the shower and bent down, his hands shaking as he took in my state. “Christ, Elodie, we’ve got to take you to the hospital. This isn’t right, is it?”
I shook my head and tried not to sob.
Lucas’s eyes scanned me worriedly as he glanced over his shoulder at the blood-stained floor. His eyes finally returned and found mine.
He knew. I saw it.
And he wasn’t angry with me. In fact, his eyes were shining with pain, with love, anything but anger. He seemed torn between what was necessary and what he wanted to do. I probably should be seen, but I could tell all he wanted to do was hold me in his arms.
“Hold tight, darling. I’m going to call…just hold on. Breathe, Elodie, okay?”
My eyes flooded with tears, and I brought my hands to my face, hiding as I fell apart. I heard Lucas step away, the banging of cabinets as he yanked out towels and mopped up the floor. He stepped out of the room with the soiled towels, and I heard his voice. I could only assume he was calling someone, likely Kai, but I didn’t have the energy to try to listen as another spasm hit me. An involuntary wail left me as I doubled over, falling onto the floor of the shower. It was so awful, the worst I’d ever felt, and I slumped to my side, wishing I were dead rather than lying here, losing my baby in contortions of pain.
“Elodie!” Lucas ran back in and promptly scooped me into his arms. He sat, legs crossed and cradled me in his lap, the water pouring down on us. More pain came, this time sharper and so excruciatingly intense.
“Lucas,” I whispered, trying to push off of him, “I’m bleeding all over you, let me off.”
His hands tightened ferociously around me as he kissed my head and smoothed my soaked hair off my face. “No. You’re staying right here.”
“But…” I glanced up at him, my voice dying off as I saw the sadness in his eyes. “Aren’t you disgusted?” I felt ashamed and sick. This felt like my fault, my body rejecting our baby, and he could just sit there and hold me as it did its betraying work?
His eyes narrowed, their pain amplified. “It’s our baby, Elodie.” His fingers stroked my cheek, eyes never leaving mine. “And your body, hurting. I’m not going anywhere.”
Water sluiced over us, blood and tears mingled and swirled down the drain. I felt ill watching it, so I closed my eyes. I felt my heart slipping away with those life forces too.
“I’m so sorry, love,” Lucas said quietly.
A cramp wracked my middle, and I leaned into him, breathing heavily. “I should be sorry. I am sorry.”
“Stop now. This is not your fault. It’s no one’s fault.” He kissed my hair and sighed. “It’s just indiscriminate and horribly sad.”
I squeezed my eyes shut as another wave hit. “I feel like my heart is breaking, Lucas.”
He sighed and rubbed his hand along my back. “I know, dearest. Now rest against me. Let me hold you.”
I groaned, curling up as the most painful wave yet struck, making me feel like I might retch.
“Shhh,” he whispered, rocking me softly, one strong hand still sliding along my back, circling at my tailbone and gliding back up. “You’re all right, love, I’m here. Shhh. Just let me hold you.”
And he did, as we lost the tiny person we already loved, whose face I’d dreamed of, whose name I’d already considered. It was the saddest moment of my life—somehow a deeper, rawer pain than losing my brother and watching his life slip away in my arms. But for once, as my heart broke, I wasn’t alone. I was held in the arms of love, knowing somehow, Lucas would see to it that we made it through this. Even if I could not.
“It’s been three days. She won’t eat, won’t bathe, won’t get up.” Lucas sighed, his feet shuffling against the hardwood floors. “I’m worried, Mum.”
Lucas’s mother sighed as well and I heard the sounds of them hugging, Lucas’s muffled voice in her embrace, her comforting words. “I’ll see to her, Lukey, don’t you worry.”
I lay with my back to the door, so everyone who entered knew I wanted nothing to do with them. Because of this I was forced to stare out the windows, which Lucas insisted on having open. I hated the sunlight—it was too cheery—and the sounds of the birds, singing happily. What did they have to be happy about? My baby died inside my body and left me in a night of blood and pain. I felt like my heart had been carved out of my chest. I wasn’t sad; I was empty. Completely empty.
“Elodie, dear,” Charli called quietly, stepping into the room. I heard the door click shut, so I assumed we were alone. I didn’t answer. There was no point.
“Lovie, it’s Charli. I was going to sit with you a bit, figured we could have a chat. First though, can’t I get you anything, dearest? A cup of milky tea? A biscuit, perhaps?” She paused, waiting for me to respond, but she was going to be waiting a long time if that was the case.
“Right, well, if you change your mind, just tell me.” Her ability to prattle along without encouragement, the cheery tenor of her voice, reminded me so much of Lucas.
Lucas.
He felt so far away, though he’d been near me plenty, wrapping me in his arms at night, begging me to have some broth or tea, to let him take me for a bath, but I was locked inside my body, unable to respond to any of it.
A tentative warm hand rested on my back, and I sucked in a breath. Her palm was soft and warm, its gentle heat seeping through my shirt. She smelled like roses and sage—those outlandishly romantic fl
owers, the herb of wisdom. It was impossibly inaccessible, yet some part of me wished I could latch on to it.
“Lucas was only six months old when I found out I was expecting again. I was a little surprised, mind you, but we weren’t very careful, Jack and I, and we could never keep our hands off each other. Still can’t.” She laughed quietly. “Probably more than you wanted to know…”
I stared blankly at the window, struggling to listen to her as the heaviness of my grief pulled me away.
“Well, at any rate, much like you, I was early on and started to bleed. I just knew I was losing the baby, and, Elodie…” She sniffled, rubbing my back carefully.
I felt a tear drop from my eye down my cheek, observing it as if outside myself.
“It was so horribly painful, my child leaving my body. That’s not how it’s supposed to go, I told Jack. They’re supposed to be born wailing and hale, fat and plump and jolly.”
I breathed in shakily and felt the unfamiliar sensation of demanding my own breath, rather than inhaling and exhaling robotically.
“Like you, I sunk into the saddest state. I was heartbroken. I couldn’t begin to know how to just keep going through life, as if nothing had happened, as if I hadn’t lost something so precious.”
She sniffled again, then blew her nose. “It was Lucas who truly pulled me out of it in the end, his warm chubby little hands and those pink cheeks. Oh, he was such a darling baby. All fat rolls and smiles.” She sighed, and hesitantly started to finger comb my tangled curls.
“I know you don’t have a little Lukey to call you back, but you do have the grown-up one waiting outside, dearest. He’s so desperate to give you love, to help you through the darkness.” She began to pull my hair into sections, braiding them deftly. “He needs to grieve too, Elodie, with you. You both lost your baby. It’s different, of course, in that it was your body, but truly, he’s heartbroken. You two need each other.”
Her hands stilled as she smoothed my plaited hair. “Lucas says your mother isn’t really in your life anymore, and I know it’s not my place—I’m no one to you, but I want you to know I believe in you, Elodie. I know you’re strong, physically and emotionally, and you can pull through this. You’ll bear another little one yet, and though it will never ever replace your lost child, it will help you knit those broken pieces back together.”
Slowly, I looked over my shoulder at her. “You’re not no one to me,” I whispered, my voice hoarse from disuse.
Her eyes widened as she tipped an ear my way. “What’s that, dearest?”
A tear slipped from my eye. “I said, you’re not no one to me.” Tears poured now, faster and faster.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she crooned, pulling me gently into her arms. Finally, I wept, as layers of numbness fell away like sheets of ice surrendering to a thaw.
When all my tears were gone, I wiped my eyes and blew my nose endlessly, laughing quietly with Charli as I piled up an obscene amount of tissues. I stared down at the mound on my lap, sighing heavily before I glanced up at her.
“Thank you.”
She smiled kindly at me. “For what?”
I shrugged, pulling my braid over one shoulder. “Before you and Lucas, I’d never been comforted when I cried before. It’s very different.”
Her brow creased in sympathy. “Oh, sweetheart. No one should ever grieve alone. Grief is when we rely most on each other. It’s one of the many parts of life that family is for.”
I nodded through my tears. “I know that now.”
Lucas’s voice carried from outside, through the window, mingling with the lower timbre of Jack’s speech and Kai’s even tone. I peered toward the window, and realized for the first time in days, even though my heart still ached with loss, I wanted something. No, someone.
I wanted Lucas.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Charli kissed my head gently and smoothed the hairs off my face. “I’ll send Lukey up now. He’ll be so relieved you’ve perked up. You had him terribly worried, Elodie.”
“No!” I grabbed her arm as she made to stand.
I felt my matted hair, only marginally improved by the braid, knowing I’d literally not moved from this bed for nearly three days, so I must look a mess and be in much need of a bath. “Charli, would you...I’d like to clean up, maybe go downstairs and sit outside.” My eyes searched hers. “Would you help me?”
She smiled at me. “Of course, dear. Let me draw you a nice bath, and we’ll have you spruced up in no time.”
I soaked in a bath with bubbles that made the whole water closet smell like a summer garden. Charli combed my hair and washed it for me, helping me in and out of the tub since I was shaky from days with nothing to eat. I still had no appetite, but I knew it would come around. I sat on the tub’s edge unsteadily as she helped me spin my curls so they’d dry nicely. She placed a hand gently on my shoulder, as if reading my thoughts.
“Give it time, dear. One minute at a time.”
Once I was dressed in a jumper of Lucas’s and leggings, Charli helped me walk down the steps, fussing over my weakness and telling me I must eat. When we made it outside, I blinked at the sun shining in my eyes and all the men’s conversation halted. I dimly saw Lucas pop out of his seat and stride over to me.
“Elodie,” he whispered, taking me from Charli with a quiet thanks. Wrapping my arms around his waist as he held me tight, I bathed in his warm, woodsy scent. There was no comfort like Lucas’s arms. The solidity of his chest and his steadily beating heart. We stood there for long minutes, swaying in the afternoon sun, the smell of grilling bangers and the quiet noise of beer bottles clinking, of conversation resuming among Lucas’s family, now my family too. “Sweetheart, you’re skin and bones,” he whispered against my hair.
“Hardly.” I buried my nose into his chest and squeezed him tighter. “There’s still plenty of me left.”
“Well, I miss what’s gone,” he said gently.
“I’ll get my figure back. I’m not hungry just yet.”
He nodded against me as his hands slipped softly down to the small of my back and held me tenderly.
“You know I love you no matter how thin you get, and I’ll be an understanding bloke for the time being, but there are lots of butter sandwiches, lemon curd, and clotted cream in your future.”
I managed a smile up at him as he met my lips for a gentle kiss. “All right, Loulou. Sounds wonderful to me.”
Nineteen
Lucas
“What do you want, you tosser?” I grumbled into my phone.
Kai chuckled. “You sir, are, as you’ve enjoyed reminding me our whole lives, extraordinary.”
“What?”
Elodie glanced at me with worry from her desk, which I’d refused to get rid of, now that I had another reason to keep her close. She was doing better, but she needed a close eye and lots of love. I was more than happy to provide both of those things. I waved away her concern and smiled at her.
“You’re shooting live bullets, Luc, loads of them. I have to call Carter, because he needs to know how bad he bungled this. Imagine how many other poor chaps who’ve gone under his knife are out there, thinking their little lads are locked up tight? You know, Carter was always a bit of a wanker at uni, I should have thought to tell you to go see someone else when you mentioned he was going to do it.”
I stood and began to stroll around the room. “Yes, Kai, good of you to think of all this now.”
“Yes, well, do pardon me for not orchestrating your life more perfectly for you, you ingrate. Now, how is she?”
I glanced over at Elodie. Her color was better, and she’d put on a bit of the weight she’d lost starving herself. But she was sad still, I could see it. Thankfully I had rip-roaring plans to at least cheer her for a bit soon. “A little better each day,” I said.
Elodie glanced up at me and smiled. Regina popped her head in, and Elodie stood, stopped by me and planted a quiet kiss on my cheek before she walked out.
“You’re with her now, aren’t you?”
“Was.” I watched her arse until the last possible moment when the door closed. We hadn’t yet slept together since we lost the baby, but it felt like it might be time, like she was finally ready. We needed to reconnect in a language that we’d spoken brilliantly from the start, and Elodie needed to feel what she meant to me, not just hear it. “Why do you ask?”
“Because you sound different when you are. Happier. I might even say cheerful.”
“Careful, mate. You might make me sound agreeable.”
Kai laughed. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
Elodie popped her head back in, looking alarmed. “They’re here early,” she whispered.
Shite.
Our big presentation to Gorgon started in an hour. Apparently they’d decided to prematurely grace us with their presence.
“Listen, I’ve got to run, Kai. Thanks again, brother—”
“Wait, Lucas. Just so you know, if you want to avoid further pregnancies, you’ve got to get it redone, and for God’s sake, don’t go to Carter again, okay? Let me find someone better recommended this time.”
I grinned at Elodie, who was watching me curiously from the door. Perhaps I saw a little longing in her eyes as she smiled, and her gaze raked down my body. “That won’t be necessary, mate, but thanks all the same.”
With that, I ended the call and tossed my mobile on the desk. Then I swept up my papers, font size forty-five, just as I wanted, and wrapped my arm around the woman I adored.
“Come on, darling. We’ve got a client to wow.”
“Who was that?” Elodie asked. Gina handed her a ream of papers, which Elodie accepted without breaking her stride.
“Who, on the phone?”
She nodded.
“Mind out.” I steered her gently out of some git’s way who had his nose in a printout and nearly crashed into her. “Kai.”
Her head snapped toward me. “And?”
