by Teresa Roman
“That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Ryan didn’t always make the best decisions. That’s on him, not you.”
I gave Marla a weak smile. She was trying to help, but she could only do so much. I didn’t want to be drowning in guilt and shame, but not wanting something didn’t keep it from happening.
Fifteen minutes later, we finished up on the stationary bikes. We headed to the weight room to work on our arms for a bit before getting our things from the locker room.
On our way back to Marla’s car, she said, “I was thinking of asking Lynette over on Friday. It’s my weekend with the kids, so I thought we could do another one of our girls’-slash-game nights at my house. What do you think?”
I hadn’t seen Lynette in a long time. She’d sent flowers after Ryan died, and we’d texted a few times. She was as good a friend as Marla, only I didn’t see her as often because she lived farther away and worked long hours. Game night with Marla’s and Lynette’s kids would be fun for Jacob and Lydia, and if there was one thing they were sorely lacking, it was having fun.
“I think it’s a great idea. It feels like forever since we’ve gotten together.”
“Awesome. I’ll text you the details after I talk to Lynette.”
“That sounds great,” I said, managing a smile. For weeks my life had been consumed with funeral planning, settling Ryan’s affairs, my job, and being a mother. It had literally been months since the kids and I had done something fun together with friends. It felt nice to have something to look forward to.
7
Since I still lived in the same city I’d gone to high school in, I sometimes ran into old acquaintances. We’d make small talk, exchange numbers, and promise to keep in touch, but it never actually happened. The most I’d get was a friend request on Facebook, so I hadn’t actually expected to hear from Alex. When he texted me the next day, it took me by surprise.
After a bit of back and forth, Alex and I settled on a time and place to meet. All that day, my heart fluttered in my chest in a funny way. I tried ignoring it. When that didn’t work, I chalked it up to anxiety, which plagued me from time to time. It could not be Alex that had me feeling that way. For one thing, I hadn’t seen him in forever. And for all I knew, he was nothing like the Alex I’d known in high school all those years ago. Even if he wasn’t married, which I highly doubted since a guy like him was bound to have been scooped up by some gorgeous, supermodel-looking woman, I’d only been a widow for two months. There was no way I could even think about dating so soon after Ryan’s death.
I thought back to the times Ryan had asked me if I planned to move on with someone else after he died. I never quite understood the purpose of such a question, but I played along anyway. When we first got together, I thought his jealous streak was kind of cute—it meant he truly loved me—but over the years I’d grown to hate it. After ten years and two kids together, he was almost as insecure as he had been in the beginning of our relationship. I used to insist that if he died, I’d be lost without him, that I’d be too heartbroken to move on with anyone else, but he’d just tell me I was lying. Ryan was so self-absorbed that he never stopped to think about how hurtful that was, to be called a liar by the person I loved, but that was his way. Everything was about him and his feelings. After a while, I started tuning him out, refusing to let him bait me. But he hated being ignored. He’d push and push until he got some kind of reaction out of me.
I sighed, trying to shake those memories out of my head. Instead, I thought about Jacob and Lydia and the way they’d smiled the day before, when I’d told them about game night at Marla’s. I’d missed seeing them smile. The thought pinched my heart.
Friday night could not come fast enough. When it finally rolled around, I ordered pizzas to bring to Marla’s.
“Have you guys picked out which games you want to bring with you?” I called out over my shoulder after paying the pizza delivery guy.
Jacob bounded down the hallway with Apples to Apples in his hands.
“You think we can watch this at Marla’s?” Lydia handed me a Backyardigans DVD.
“No one wants to watch that baby show,” Jacob said.
“Hey,” I said, irritated. “Don’t talk to your sister like that.”
Jacob scowled at me but didn’t say another word. I walked a fine line with him and Lydia. If I didn’t reprimand Jacob for being unkind, Lydia would get mad at me for not saying anything, but then Jacob would accuse me of favoring his sister because she was a girl and the youngest. This parenting thing was hard, and doing it alone was wearying. Not that it had been much different when Ryan was alive. Unlike most moms I knew, I didn’t have girls’ nights out without the kids or take vacations with my friends. The kids protested when I left them at home alone with their dad, and the truth was I liked being around them more than I liked taking time for myself. Soon enough, they’d be all grown up and out of the house. I wanted to enjoy the time I had with them before it was too late.
“We’re supposed to be having fun tonight. That means no fighting, you two.”
“We won’t,” Lydia chimed in innocently.
I gave them the mom stare, the look that told them I expected good behavior from them. Then, with pizza in hand, the three of us marched over to Marla’s house. The entrance of her home opened up into a great room with a kitchen, dining table, and family room in one large area. Lynette and her daughter, Isabel, were already there. They both greeted me with hugs. Jacob and Lydia ran over to the couch to join the other kids who were in the middle of watching Teen Titans.
“Girl, it feels like it’s been forever.” Lynette got up from the dining table to give me a hug and cheek kiss.
It really had been. I hadn’t seen her since before Ryan had died. Lynette was a doctor, so she worked a lot.
“I got some hard lemonade if you’re interested,” Marla called out from the kitchen area.
“Bring it on.” I grabbed a slice of pizza while Marla fished out drinks from the refrigerator and placed them on the kitchen island.
“So how have you been?” Lynette asked.
“Hanging in there,” I replied. “What about you?”
“I’m good. Been busy at work, but other than that, life’s pretty much been the same.”
“How’s Bobby doing?” I rarely saw her husband. He wasn’t much into socializing, but at least he didn’t seem to mind that Lynette enjoyed it.
She shrugged. “He’s good, I guess.” Lynette and Bobby didn’t have the best of marriages, and most of the time she preferred not talking about her husband at all. Sometimes it felt like more people I knew had bad marriages than good ones. Which was just one more reason I resolved to never ever return to the dating scene.
Teen Titans must’ve ended because, all of a sudden, the kids ran to the table and started grabbing slices of pizza.
Marla walked over to us with a big plate of brownies in her hands. “You guys can have one when you’re done with pizza. Do you hear me? Just one.”
“Just one?” her daughter, Abby, groaned.
“Is there an echo in here?” Marla asked, playfully looking around the room. Her gaze stopped at Abby. “I cut them really big. Trust me, one will be more than enough for you.”
I smiled, realizing how much I missed these get-togethers of ours and how much I’d missed my friends’ children. Over the years, we’d spent so much time around each other that they almost felt like family. And this time, my phone wouldn’t be ringing every ten minutes with calls or texts asking me when I planned on coming back home. Ryan hated when I spent time with anyone but him. And since he disliked Marla so much, he never came along when I went to her house. Not having to answer to him felt like a weight off my shoulders.
After the kids finished eating, they went back to the family room to play. Marla looked across the table at Lynette. “So, did Vanessa tell you her big news?”
“What big news?” Lynette asked.
“Good question,” I said. “I have no idea what
Marla’s talking about.”
“Vanessa ran into some hottie she went to high school with at the gym the other day, and he asked her out.”
I shook my head. “Whoa, wait just one minute. Yes, I ran into an old friend, but he did not ask me out. He thinks I’m married, and for all I know, he is too.”
“Why does he think you’re married?” Lynette asked, inquisitively.
I glanced down at my hand and started fiddling with my wedding band.
“You’re still wearing it?” Lynette asked, her brows raised.
“I really hadn’t thought about taking it off.”
“I think you should,” Marla said. “You’re never going to meet a guy wearing that thing.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Well, that’s fine. Because I’m not interested in meeting guys.”
“Maybe not right now, but someday you might be,” Lynette said, pulling her sleek dark hair back into a ponytail.
I shook my head. “I can’t even think about that right now. Which means that even if Alex is single, having coffee with him won’t be a date. It’ll just be two old friends catching up and talking about old times. That’s all.”
“If you say so.” Marla took a swig from her bottle of hard lemonade.
I knew Marla well enough to know she was only kidding around about Alex. She got some strange thrill out of eliciting reactions from people, and despite her own failed marriage, she was an insatiable romantic.
“Mommy,” Lydia called out. “Can you come play with us?”
The kids had Apples to Apples set up on the coffee table.
“Sure, I’d love to,” I said, getting up from the table. Anything to get away from talking about why I was still wearing my wedding band and if I ever planned on dating again.
All that weekend, I couldn’t stop thinking about Alex and what we’d talk about when we met for coffee. He already knew I had kids since I’d mentioned them when I ran into him at the gym, but he’d probably ask how many. And he’d ask what my husband was like, which meant I’d have to tell him about Ryan’s accident. Maybe Alex would also wonder why I was still wearing my wedding ring. Maybe a lot of people wondered that. I wasn’t married anymore, it made no sense to keep wearing it.
I stared at my reflection in the mirror above my bedroom dresser and ran a hand through my hair. I was only thirty-five, and thanks to my obsessive use of sunscreen, a lot of people told me I looked younger. I was definitely not as beautiful as I had been in my twenties, but I still got my fair share of compliments. It didn’t matter, though. I had no desire to date again. Maybe that’s why I’d kept my wedding ring on. But with Ryan gone, it made no sense to keep wearing it.
I glanced down at my hand then slid my wedding band off my finger. As I did, a pang of guilt stabbed me in my gut. I held the ring in the palm of my hand. It was a simple platinum band. I’d stopped wearing my fancy engagement ring after giving birth because the stone seemed to catch on everything, and I worried about damaging the prongs. For a moment I contemplated switching the ring to my right hand, but in the end, I opened up my jewelry box and placed my wedding band beside my engagement ring.
The nauseous feeling in my stomach stayed with me the rest of the day. So did the anxiety that came along with it. For some reason, it suddenly hit me that I was really and truly alone in this world. My marriage to Ryan hadn’t been great. At times it was even miserable, but he was still my husband. What would I do if I got sick? Who would take care of me and the kids? The thought filled me with panic. Ryan had a lot of flaws, but he wasn’t all bad. A few years back, I’d had to have my appendix removed. I couldn’t lift anything heavy for the first few days after my surgery, so he was the one who took care of the kids and helped me around the house while I recovered. If I needed help now, who would I ask?
Worrying wouldn’t solve anything. But just like so many other nights, I couldn’t turn my thoughts off and had to resort to taking something to help me sleep.
8
On Monday, right after dropping the kids at school, I drove to a coffee shop a few blocks from my house. Alex was already waiting for me and stood as soon as he saw me walk inside.
“Hey,” he said, greeting me with a hug. Once more, my heart thumped in my chest.
“Hi,” I said back.
“I’ve got to go to work later,” he said, apparently noticing that I’d been taking in his appearance. He was dressed in worn jeans and a faded T-shirt but somehow managed to look more handsome than he had just a few days earlier.
“Oh yeah? Where do you work?”
“For the local electric company. I’m a lineman.”
That explained his attire. And those strong shoulders, which I couldn’t help but notice again.
“Should we get some coffee?” I asked. What a dumb question. Of course, we should get coffee. We were in a coffee shop after all.
“Yeah, of course.”
We got in line, Alex in front of me. “What do you like to drink?”
“I’ll get a small mocha.”
When we got to the cashier, he ordered for us then turned his head to ask, “Nothing to eat?”
I shook my head. He paid for our drinks, then we sat back down, waiting for the barista to call out our names.
“So, how have you been?” Alex asked.
“Good,” I said, feeling a sudden rush of nerves. All weekend, at least a dozen different questions I planned on asking Alex had run through my mind, but now, sitting across from him, I’d forgotten them all.
Alex leaned back in his chair. “How long has it been?”
“Almost twenty years,” I replied, still not quite believing it had been that long. It hardly seemed possible.
“Yeah, I think eighteen to be exact.” Alex shook his head. “And you look the same. Your hair’s a bit shorter, but that’s about it.”
That was definitely not it. Thanks to two pregnancies and way too much stress eating, I was also at least thirty pounds heavier than I’d been in high school, but I wasn’t about to point that out to him. “You do too.”
The barista called Alex’s name. When he returned with our coffees, he said, “Tell me what’s been going on with you.” He added sugar and half and half to his coffee. “How long have you been married? How many kids do you have?”
I braced myself for his reaction before beginning. “Well, technically I’m not married anymore.” I knew this would come up. I just hadn’t expected it to come up so soon.
“Oh?”
Maybe it was better to just get it out of the way. “Ryan, that was my husband’s name, he passed away a little over two months ago.”
Alex’s mouth formed a perfect O. “What happened?”
“Car crash,” I said plainly.
“Geez, Vanessa, I’m so sorry.”
I had really begun to hate those words, even though I knew people only said them to be kind. I didn’t deserve anyone’s pity, but I couldn’t exactly come right out and admit that. “It’s okay.” I lifted my cup to my lips and took a sip of coffee. “Enough about me. What about you? Are you married? Any kids?”
His expression darkened. “Not anymore. Kristi, that’s my ex-wife, and I just signed the papers on the world’s ugliest divorce a few weeks ago.”
It was my turn to offer condolences. “Is that why you moved back down this way?”
He nodded. “I needed to get away. I never really liked living in Pollock Pines. There’s nothing to do up there, and everyone knows your business. If it wasn’t for my job and my family, I probably would’ve moved all the way to the east coast just to get away from everything.” There was an unmistakable bitter tinge to his voice.
“That bad?”
“You have no idea.”
“My friend Marla, the one that was with me at the gym the other day, she had a pretty rough divorce, too, a few years back. Apparently, her husband had a hard time keeping his you-know-what in his pants.”
“Well, let’s just put it this way. I know how she feels.”
>
“Really?” Whoever his ex-wife was, I instantly hated her. If Kristi were to walk up to me right this second and tell me she volunteered at a homeless shelter every week, I’d tell her I didn’t care. She’d cheated on Alex Brooks. That was enough to make me mark her down as heartless in my book.
“You seem surprised.”
“It’s hard for me to believe someone would actually cheat on a guy like you.”
He arched one of his brows. “A guy like me?”
“You’re such a nice guy,” I said. The thing about Alex was that despite his good looks, he was also kind. And he wasn’t just like that to his circle of friends, he was nice to everyone. Guys like that didn’t come along too often. Unless he’d changed. “At least you were back in high school.”
He cracked a smile. “Is that really the way you saw me?”
I nodded.
His smile faded. “You know what they say about nice guys, right?”
I frowned. “Your ex-wife is a fool.”
Alex shifted in his seat. He wasn’t any more comfortable talking about his failed marriage than I was talking about Ryan. “Let’s talk about something else. Why don’t you tell me about your kids?”
I smiled. Alex had no idea what he’d just gotten himself into. I could talk about Jacob and Lydia for days. I pulled out my phone to show him pictures. While I explained how Jacob was sensitive and bright and Lydia was affectionate and talented, Alex sat there, patiently listening like he was actually interested.
“They sound like great kids,” he said. He took a sip of his coffee then shook his head.
