by Teresa Roman
By the expression on Alex’s face, I could tell he didn’t believe me.
When we were done working out, Alex insisted on coming with me to sign Jacob and Lydia out from Kids Club. “It’s okay,” I told him. “I know you have to get to work.”
He frowned. “Will I see you tomorrow?”
I couldn’t bring myself to say no. Instead, I nodded. Alex leaned forward to give me a kiss. I turned my head, giving him my cheek. I watched as he walked away, torn between wanting him and feeling like I didn’t deserve the happiness he brought me. Maybe raising Jacob and Lydia on my own and letting Alex go so he could win his custody case and move on with someone better was my penance. My chance to make up for failing Ryan. I just needed to find a way to make Alex understand that.
The next day, Alex pressed me again to tell him what was bothering me, but I couldn’t bring myself to say the words out loud.
“It’s nothing. I’ve just got a lot on my mind. The kids’ camp is over. I’ve got to figure out how to keep them busy while at the same time keep my job.”
“I could probably take a few days off work. I’d love to hang out with Jacob and Lydia.”
Of course he’d offer that kind of thing. “You don’t need to do that.”
“I don’t like seeing you so stressed out.” He put his hand on the middle of my back. My heart did a backflip. I missed his touch. It had been so long, too long, since we’d gotten to kiss, to hold, or to love each other. I missed it terribly.
I managed a smile. “I’ll be okay.”
All the next day, I let Alex’s calls go to voice mail and didn’t reply to his texts except to say I’d be busy all weekend running around with the kids. I’d slipped into such a funk that I didn’t even have the energy to get dressed until close to noon. I took the kids to a movie and stuffed my face with popcorn and candy, but nothing seemed to fill the hole inside of me. If anything, it felt like it was getting bigger and bigger every day.
The next morning, after throwing a load of the kids’ clothes into the washing machine and turning it on, I saw water dripping from the bottom of the washing machine’s door.
“Crap.” This was the last thing I needed. I inspected the machine and found where the leak was coming from, but it wasn’t anything I knew how to fix.
I called Marla. “Any chance you know how to fix a washing machine?” I asked.
“Um, no. And even if I did, I’m not home right now,” she said.
I cursed under my breath.
“Why don’t you call Alex? Isn’t he pretty handy? I bet he knows how to fix things like that.”
She was right. Alex would know. But I didn’t want to have to ask him for help. I stared at the overflowing laundry basket. I had several more loads just like it that I needed to get done and knew there would be no service center open on a Sunday to fix my leaky washing machine.
“Yeah, I guess I’ll do that.”
Instead of calling Alex, I made breakfast. Eventually, I’d have to figure out what to do about the piles of dirty clothes, but I’d think about that later. The kids had a birthday party to go to in another few hours. When they were gone, I’d fiddle around with the washing machine and figure something out.
Nothing I did worked. What I needed was a new part, but even if I ran to the hardware store, I wouldn’t know how to replace it.
With a deep sigh, I gave up and decided to text Alex.
Any chance you can come over and give me hand? My washing machine has sprung a leak.
He replied right away.
I’ll be right over.
Alex figured out what the problem was in less than a minute. Turned out I was right. I did need a new part.
“Can I get it at the hardware store?” I asked.
“No. You’d need to go to an appliance parts center.”
I sighed and ran a hand through my messy hair. “Great, just what I need.”
“Luckily,” he said, “I happen to know a place, and they’re open on Sundays.”
“Oh my God, you’re a lifesaver.” I almost threw my arms around him but stopped myself.
“But I’m not going until you tell me what the hell is going on with you.”
I crossed my arms. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You told me you’d be busy with Jacob and Lydia, but they’re not even here, so that was obviously an excuse to get out of seeing me. What I don’t get is why.”
I leaned against the wall, trying not to stare at Alex. He was wearing jeans and a fitted T-shirt that showed off his well-sculpted torso. It seemed like forever since those arms of his had been wrapped around me. I wanted him to pick me up, carry me to the bedroom, and make passionate love to me.
“I … I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I felt like the world’s biggest coward. Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? That I was no good for him. I’d known it since the beginning. That was the real reason I was so scared to get involved with him. I didn’t want to ruin his life like I had Ryan’s. If I’d been strong enough to tell Ryan that we weren’t right for each other, maybe he’d have eventually found someone who could’ve made him happy, and maybe he’d still be alive. The thought sent a chill through me.
Alex reached for my arms, uncrossed them, and held my hands in his. “You’ve been giving me the silent treatment all week. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.”
I looked away and pulled my hands from his grasp.
“I thought we had a great time last Saturday,” he continued, “but ever since then, you’ve been shutting me out. Is it because of Leah?”
“No. Of course not. She’s an amazing girl.”
“Then what is it?”
I took a deep breath. “I know you’re not going to like this, but I think that maybe we should take a break from each other.”
His jaw twitched, and his eyes narrowed. He stared at me for a moment as if he was trying to figure out if I meant what I’d just said. “I … I don’t want to take a break,” Alex said, his voice hard. “There’s no reason to.”
“You’re in the middle of a custody case. I don’t want to be the reason you lose your daughter.”
He furrowed his brows. “Why would you be the reason I lost Leah?”
Your ex will dig up every piece of dirt on you that she can find to keep you away from Leah.
“It’s not like you’re a drug dealer or a child abuser. You’re a better mom than Kristi ever was or will be.”
Tears started to form. I stared down at my feet, not wanting Alex to see them. “You only say that because there’s things you don’t know.”
“Things?” He seemed to be getting angrier by the moment. “What things?”
I lifted my head, meeting his gaze. “I’m not the same person I was in high school. I wish I was, but I’m not, and it’s finally time I stopped pretending.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’ve changed,” I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking. “I met someone I thought I loved, and I got married, and I thought I would live happily ever after. We had two beautiful kids, a house. The American dream.”
“And from everything you told me, he was a shitty guy.” Alex furrowed his brows again. “Is that what this is about? Despite what he put you through, you miss him. You barely had a chance to grieve, and then I came along demanding that you give me a chance.”
I couldn’t stand it for a minute longer. Why couldn’t he just see? Why was he forcing me to confess my sins out loud? I stormed out of the laundry room.
He followed and grabbed my hand. I whirled around to face him. “Don’t make me do this.”
“Do what?” he asked, still obviously confused.
I had no choice but to tell him. It was the only way to get him to see that in the end I’d make his life miserable. I stared into his eyes steeling myself for what I was about to reveal. “I’m not grieving over Ryan. I’ve never grieved for him. Because I didn’t love him. Actually, I more than didn’t
love him. Sometimes I downright hated his guts.”
Alex narrowed his eyes at me again. “If Ryan isn’t the problem, then what is?”
“Don’t you get it?” I threw my hands up in frustration. “I’m the problem.”
“How are you the problem? What am I not seeing?”
“That I’m a terrible person.”
“No. You’re not.”
I shook my head. He obviously didn’t understand what I was trying to tell him. I didn’t want to have to draw a picture for him, but he was giving me no choice. “You’re wrong about me. If I wasn’t a terrible person, then I wouldn’t have been happy when I found out my husband died. But guess what? I was. I was glad I’d never have to answer to him again or have another fight with him. I was glad that he’d never touch me again, that I didn’t have to share my bed with him. What kind of person feels that way?” Tears streamed down my face. I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold even though it was almost triple digits outside.
“Someone whose husband treated her like garbage,” Alex said. The gentleness in his voice made me feel even worse. I didn’t deserve his pity.
“What if your ex finds out how soon you and I got together after Ryan died? What if her lawyer tracks down Ryan’s brother? He hates me you know, and he’s got plenty bad to say about me. The judge will see what a terrible person I am. He won’t want Leah around me. I know you think you want to be with me, but you won’t feel that way if I’m the reason you never get to see your daughter again.”
Alex took a step closer to me. He tried to reach for me, but I backed away. “Vanessa, if the judge turns down my request for joint custody, it will be because I screwed things up, not because of you.”
“I don’t want to mess things up for you.”
“Then stop doing this. Stop thinking what you’re thinking, and tell me that you’ve changed you mind about all of this “we need some space” bullshit. Because I can’t do this without you. I can’t fight for Leah if you’re not by my side. You’re the one who gave me the courage and the strength to find a lawyer and ask for custody in the first place.”
“You don’t need me. You only think you do.”
Alex took another step closer. I backed away again, this time right into the chair of my dining table, giving Alex the moment he was looking for. He wrapped me in his arms. They were warm and strong and comforting and robbed me of all my resolve. Just like he had in the parking lot of the gym when he first told me he had feelings for me. Deep down I’d known then, just like I did now, that I was no good for him, but I’d refused to admit the truth to myself. If it wasn’t for Leah, maybe I never would have.
“I love you, Vanessa. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m not letting you walk away from me without a fight.”
“Oh, Alex. I’m no good for you. I’ll ruin your life just like I ruined Ryan’s.”
“From where I stand, he’s the one who did all the ruining.”
“Because you haven’t heard his side of the story. If you had, he’d tell you I didn’t love him enough, that I never paid attention to him, that I only loved the kids and not him. He’d tell you that I poisoned their minds and made them hate him. I made him so unhappy.”
“He’d tell me those things because he was a selfish asshole.”
“That’s not what his brother thinks.”
Alex took a step back and stared at me. “His brother? What does he have to do with any of this?”
I hadn’t planned on telling Alex about Rick’s visit, but since I’d brought it up, I couldn’t very well take my words back. I explained how Lydia had accidentally let it slip that I had a boyfriend and the way Rick had responded to the news.
“He sounds like he’s just as much of an asshole as Ryan was,” Alex said. He frowned. “Why am I only hearing about this now?”
“I was going to tell you, but you were so happy about getting visitation with Leah that I didn’t want to bring you down with some sob story about how my brother-in-law decided to drop in and tell me I’m the worst wife and mother on the planet.”
“Sounds like he was just sore because Ryan didn’t leave any money for him.”
I shook my head. “There’s something else,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “Something I’ve never told anyone.”
“What is it?”
I inhaled, bracing myself. I was so scared to say the words out loud, but I had no choice. I was dying inside. And Alex deserved to know the truth. He needed to know I wasn’t the person he thought I was. “The day before Ryan died we had a terrible argument. He told me that he knew me and the kids didn’t want him around. I think he was waiting for me to tell him that it wasn’t true, but I didn’t. I just kept quiet because I was so tired of arguing.” I looked up at Alex, his eyes were full of sympathy. “He told me he was going to kill himself. He said we’d be happier with him out of our lives. I didn’t take him seriously, though. I thought he was just trying to get a reaction out of me. It wasn’t the first time he’d threatened to commit suicide. I never dreamed he actually meant it, but what if he did? What if his car accident wasn’t really an accident? For all I know, he got into that car crash on purpose. What if I’m the reason he’s dead?”
“Oh my God, Vanessa, you’ve got to stop thinking that way. Even if Ryan’s death was a suicide, which I highly doubt, it’s not your fault.”
I turned my back to Alex. A part of me wanted to believe he was right, but guilt held so much power over me that I just couldn’t let it go. It had tangled its ugly web through every cell in my body.
“I’m no good, Alex. Why can’t I get you to see that?”
“I can’t believe you’ve been living with this guilt for all these months without saying anything to anyone. I wish you would’ve told me sooner so I could’ve told you that you aren’t to blame for Ryan’s death. You aren’t responsible for other people’s happiness. It sounds like your husband had a lot of problems, problems that were his responsibility to get help for. Instead he wore you down and made you feel like everything that went wrong in your marriage was your fault. But it wasn’t.”
“I should’ve tried harder to help him.”
“Stop saying that, Vanessa. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
I felt Alex inch closer. He put his hand on my waist, leaned in, and pressed his body against mine. He inhaled my scent. I felt myself get all tingly inside. Why did I have to want him as much as I did? A moment later he spun me around and kissed me. I stiffened, but as he deepened the kiss I relaxed, my body melting into his as he pulled me closer. I was emotionally drained. My heart hurt, and Alex made everything better. I had no fight left in me. Maybe after. After he made love to me, I’d find a way to get through to him.
He wiped my tears with his fingertips before trailing kisses down my neck. His hands wrapped themselves in my hair. I tried to stifle my moan, but it was no use. It had been too long since we’d touched like this, and his hands, his lips, were driving me wild. I pulled my shirt over my head then found his lips again. He cupped one of my breasts, and my breath hitched. Step by step we managed to stumble over to my bedroom, dropping pieces of clothing on the floor as we went. By the time Alex laid me down on the bed, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him he was making a big mistake.
22
“We shouldn’t have done that,” I said after Alex had made love to me not once but twice.
He rolled over to his side and looked down at me. “Don’t do this, Vanessa. You’re beating yourself up about things that aren’t your fault. You deserve to be happy. You just have to let yourself be.”
I rested my hand on his cheek. “I want to believe that. I really do. I’m just not sure I know how.”
“Because you don’t see what I do. You see the person your husband convinced you that you are. And then you let that no-good brother of his get in your head. But they’re both wrong.”
If Alex believed in me as much as he said he did, then mayb
e some of his faith could rub off on me. I managed a weak smile. I wasn’t quite yet ready to shake my fear that I’d somehow mess things up for him, but putting my thoughts into words earlier had somehow helped. For months I’d bottled up so many emotions, but now that they were out it was like a load had been lifted from my shoulders.
“I feel like I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.”
Alex stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Believe it or not, I know what you’re going through. After I found out Kristi had cheated on me, she somehow twisted things around and made me feel like it was my fault. For a while, I was convinced that if I’d been a better husband, she wouldn’t have had to turn to other guys to make her happy.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“My mom.”
“Your mom?” I vaguely remembered her, but I didn’t know her as well as I knew some of my other friends’ mothers.
“My dad cheated on my mom too. When I was a kid, so I had no idea. They stayed together because of me, but as soon as I moved out of the house, my parents got a divorce. So my mom understood what I was going through. She said a betrayal like that leaves you traumatized. When you give your heart to someone and they break it, it’s hard to just get over it. Ryan may not have cheated on you, but he abused you. Not with his fists, but with his words. You were his victim. And he managed to get you so twisted around that you blame yourself.”
“Sometimes I see things that way, but then I feel bad. Like I’m only seeing it because I can’t live with the guilt.”
“Do you know what I see when I look at you?”
I shook my head.
“I see a beautiful woman who’s been through a lot. A single mother who puts her kids ahead of herself.” He twirled a lock of my hair with his fingers. “A woman who doesn’t lie, and a woman who’s made me believe in things I didn’t think were possible.”
“Oh really? Like what?”
“Like second chances.” He gave me a kiss and then stared into my eyes. “We can heal each other, Vanessa.”
