by Lauren Dane
They continued to eat as the world outside passed by. “Anyway, so of course, I wanted her even more. It wasn’t in my hometown but one a few over. Small enough, and I knew several folks so it wasn’t long until I found out who she was and that she worked at the JCPenney, and I showed up there until she finally agreed to let me buy her lunch. I tell you, once I kissed her, in the alley behind the JCPenney, not very romantic, I know. I knew she was different from that first time I saw her, but once I kissed her, I knew she was it for me. We got married five months after that.”
“You said you married six months after you met. It took you a month to kiss her?”
“Yes. But between you and me, she was pregnant with Ezra when we got married.” His dad laughed at that. “We didn’t know for another few weeks, but I’d have married her a week after that kiss if she’d have let me. I never expected her, but I knew once I had her that she was it. Your brother was the same way with Mary. Hurley men know what they want and we rarely fail at getting it. Seems to me, Paddy, if you fail with Natalie, it’s because you didn’t try hard enough. Don’t give up on her if you want her.”
* * *
SO HE FOUND himself waiting outside the library at her quitting time the next day, holding two dozen roses of all different colors and a bag of takeout.
His phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out, glancing at the screen. Natalie.
He answered. “Hey.”
“So I’ve been thinking.”
“Me, too. I’m sorry about that scene at the winery. Will you talk to me?”
“I’m calling you, aren’t I? I was calling to see if you wanted to talk to me, too.”
She came out, and he knew he’d done the right thing because seeing her made him so damned happy, it wasn’t even funny.
She headed down the steps and was halfway to him before she noticed him standing there and froze.
She put her phone in her bag.
He peeked around the roses. “I told you we had the same idea. I have milk shakes. And Thai food. I went to Voodoo, too, so I’ve got doughnuts in the car.”
“I can see you mean business. Follow me to my place. We can eat and talk.”
He handed her the flowers before he went back to his car and followed her to her house.
When they went inside, Tuesday looked up from where she sat at the kitchen table, and her brows rose. “It’s about time. I’m going to a movie. I’ll see you later.”
She kissed Natalie’s cheek, grabbed her coat and purse and headed out.
“Wait. You don’t have to leave. We can go upstairs to talk.”
She rolled her eyes at Natalie. “Hush. I’ll be back later.”
Natalie watched Tuesday go and turned back around with a sigh. “I’m going to put these in some water.” She hung up her coat in the closet and then put her bag down near the bench at the back door. She grabbed the flowers, and he followed her.
“I’ll get plates out.”
They walked around each other, sort of tiptoeing around the subject for several minutes.
“You have a thing about control. I mean, you told me about it, but I didn’t really hear it or get how it connected with the winery, but I see it now.”
She started, going very still, and he waited. He could do most of the work, but she had to give him something.
“And you saw me when I was not in full control and it pushed your buttons.”
“Yes.” She blew out a breath. “Look, I’m sorry I left without explaining myself.”
“Will you tell me? I know I upset you, but we can’t do this unless you share with me.”
She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I grew up in a house that was chaos all the time. My dad was, is, was—who knows— The entire time I was growing up, he was an addict. For long years it was alcohol and then it was cocaine and then he was an IV drug user. He loved speedballs. My house was not a safe place. My house was not filled with adults who were good examples. My dad was fucked up all the time. We got our furniture stolen on a regular basis. I had a padlock on my door to keep my stuff safe, and my door was broken down on more than one occasion. We lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood so I had that, which is more than a lot of other people did, I understand that.
“I’ve seen enough out-of-control people on the nod with their rig still in their arm, enough overdoses and random assholes lying in pools of vomit in my living room to last several lifetimes. I see that sort of thing, and it brings my past back to me and I drown in it. If someone else is out of control, that means they’re not taking care of their business. It means someone else is cleaning up after them. Not just bottles and needles and puke, making sure the bills got paid, dealing with the school so child protective services never got suspicious. I’m just...done taking care of other people. I don’t want to look back, Paddy. That scene triggered some stuff that had already been partially reawakened that day.” She put her fork down.
He didn’t speak as he tried to process. As he fought rage at the way she’d had to grow up, there was still no denying her opening up to trust him with part of her past warmed him. And then he got freaked out that he’d mishandle the next step. And then, maybe part of him was hurt she hadn’t just come to him before.
“I’m far from perfect.” She cut her gaze to his. “I know in here—” Natalie pressed the heel of her hand over her heart “—that what you were at the winery was not even in the same universe as what I grew up with. But here—” she rubbed her stomach “—keeps tripping me up. I saw you that way, and it all came back to me. The powerlessness of it. You didn’t do it on purpose, and I understand that. I don’t know if it’s going to happen again and your life...well, your life is wild.”
He took her hand, tangling his fingers with hers, and that connection simply clicked back into place. He knew she felt it, too, because her eyes widened slightly.
“I’m sorry. I was sloppy drunk, and I didn’t get all the cues I would have if I hadn’t been. Damien says you were really upset, and I saw it but that I kept making it worse.” He licked his lips. “Look, I have a brother I watched descend into the worst kind of addiction. I watched him change into another person. Someone I hated. But I had him my whole life up to that point. I knew it wasn’t him. And then he got his shit together and cleaned up, and he was more like the Ezra who was my brother. But he’s changed forever because of what he did. And we all are, too. If you want, I can just not drink around you.”
“It’s not that. I have a glass of wine here and there. You know I like champagne. I’m not opposed to people drinking. Not at all. I just... It triggers me and all that helplessness when I see people who are sloppy and out of control. I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was until I saw you. I just don’t always know what’s going to make me upset. I’m finding out myself as I go. It’s not fair to you to try to deal with that.”
He snorted. “I’ll let you know if I think you’re a burden or not. You’re entitled to your feelings on this. Perfectly valid feelings, I might add.
“I want this to work. I don’t think you’d have let me in the door if you didn’t want that, too. So what I’m saying is, why not try? I like you. You like me. We’re adults, and at least there’s one of us with some measure of emotional maturity.”
She rolled her eyes, and he felt so much better for it.
“I meant you, if that wasn’t clear. I think you should give us a chance.”
She squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For my reaction. I know you didn’t mean to upset me. I’m sorry I can’t guarantee something else random won’t freak me out.”
Tenderness chased away his amusement. He hated that she had all this baggage, hated more that she seemed to blame herself for it. “Beautiful, I was a dumbass. A drunken dumbass, and I manhandled you on top of that. You don’t have anything to apologize for. But I do appreciate the explanation. I can be better at this if I know more about you.”
“
You weren’t trying to hurt or control me. I knew that on one level. I just don’t know, Paddy. I don’t know if I can do this and not make mistakes.”
“That makes two of us. In fact, I’m sure I’ll make mistakes. I don’t know what this relationship gig entails.” That was something he’d had to work so hard to accept. He didn’t know how to put someone else first. Not other than his family. “I’m feeling my way through. I want you to trust me. Even though I’m not perfect, either.”
“On one condition.”
“Name it.”
“I’m going to need that spring roll.”
He laughed, handing it over and then turning the bag over on her plate. “Have ’em all.”
She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him until she’d walked out of the library and seen him standing there. A phone call meant she’d have some distance from him. But Paddy Hurley in the flesh? That smile?
As they cleaned the kitchen up, she was glad, so glad, she’d brought him home. Glad she shared with him. Glad he was there with her. Tuesday probably would say I told you so for that.
“So. I have a proposal.”
She looked back over her shoulder as she tucked the hand towel on the ring. “That so? What is this proposal, then?”
“I have doughnuts. I think we should go to your room and eat them naked in your bed.”
She paused. “As proposals go, that’s a pretty good one.”
She walked past him, swatting his behind on the way. “Let’s be sure that sex is on that menu, too.”
“That goes without saying when you’re alone with me and there’s naked involved.”
She left Tuesday a note saying things were okay between her and Paddy, and that they were busy for a bit. She figured Tuesday would know when she got home if Natalie wasn’t around and her door was closed, but it never hurt to be extra sure. The last thing she wanted was Tuesday barging in and catching her and Paddy in bed.
Awkward.
Paddy kicked her door closed and backed her to the bed. “Maybe you can eat that doughnut while I eat you. It’s been like a week since I’ve tasted you.”
She swallowed hard. “I might choke. Maybe we can eat them afterward.”
“Damn, you’re putting doughnuts aside for me? You really are trying.”
She laughed as she pulled his sweater off, tossing it in a nearby chair. He undid her blouse and slid it from her arms, kissing her shoulder and across her collarbone. He paused at the hollow of her throat and breathed in deep. “I’ve missed you like crazy.”
It had only been a few days rather than his exaggerated week, but she’d missed him, too. Missed the way he’d been part of her life.
“I missed you, too.” She petted his beard.
She realized she’d started doing that recently. Petting it and soothing herself. It made her laugh and he paused.
“Um. Should I be concerned you’re laughing?”
“I just realized your beard is my comfort object. I pet it like a blankie, and it soothes me.”
He kissed her fingertips. “Whatever gets you hot. Feel free to pet me wherever and whenever you please.”
They ended up in a tumble on her bed as they stopped pawing at each other long enough to struggle out of their clothes and return.
He felt so good. Warm. Solid. Hard against her. He tasted her, his lips teasing her mouth, her jawline, her ears. Her heart sped at his attentions.
She moved to reach between them, and he grasped her wrists and pulled her arms above her head, pinning them there while he rolled atop her, kissing her until she was dizzy.
“I think—” he paused to kiss her again “—you need to give up control. Not all the time. Not in your day-to-day life. But here. Just between us. Give it to me.”
She tested his hold, a thrill rushing through her. This wasn’t anything she’d ever really considered before.
He watched her and she knew he’d let go if she asked. Her head spun with it.
“Please.”
He paused before kissing her again. “Please stop or please don’t stop?”
“Please don’t stop.”
He tightened his hold at her wrists and she arched, brushing her body against his like a cat.
“Mmm, you feel so good.” He sucked her bottom lip. “Taste good, too. But there are other parts of you I need to taste because I’ve been denied you for so long.”
“So long? Three days. Jeez.”
He laughed. “Technically, it’s five days because we were nookie-less for a few days before the winery. Five days is close enough to a week. So hush and lemme lick you.”
She closed her mouth because she had no real argument with that plan.
He slid his hands from her wrists, pressing her forearms into the mattress. The breath left her lungs in a shaky exhale.
“Yeah, I like that, too.” He leaned some of his weight against her, enough to hold her down, not nearly enough to hurt her.
She struggled, but not really, and they both smiled at one another when he realized what she was doing.
He moved her arms to her sides, still holding them against the mattress as he licked down her chest, over her nipples.
She gave over to him, falling into the way his mouth felt on her belly, over her hip bone, at the way his tongue felt sliding through her. And when she came, she opened her eyes to find him looking down at her.
“You’re beautiful when you come.”
He made her feel beautiful. Powerful, even as he held her arms down.
“You should let me taste you.”
“Nope. Maybe later. Right now, even as alluring as that mouth of yours is, I have other plans for my dick.”
He let go long enough to get a condom on and returned to her. “Roll over. Put that pretty ass up in the air and keep your head down. Arms above your head.”
Oh.
My.
She obeyed, and he caressed his hands all over her back. “This work is so beautiful.”
She made an inarticulate sound because she didn’t know how to speak with his hands on her like that. He reached around and slid his fingers through her.
“Trust me. Remember? Just want to make sure you’re ready.”
As if he hadn’t just made her come less than a minute before.
She pushed back against his fingers, and he stretched her a little before he pulled them out and replaced them with the blunt head of his cock. He left it there for long moments and then pressed in slowly.
Oh. So. Slowly. She had to force herself to be patient, digging her nails into the sheets. Wanting more and making herself wait, trusting him to give it to her. She wasn’t used to that. She took what she needed because who else would make sure she got it otherwise?
And he did in one glorious thrust, finally entering her fully.
Then he pulled nearly all the way out only to press back in again. Over and over. So slow and deep she thought she might die from how good it was.
He gripped her hips and fucked into her body exactly how he wanted, and she loved every second of it.
He thrust into her over and over, drawing closer. Even through the latex of the condom, she felt him harden, knew he was nearing climax. The fingers of his left hand dug into her flesh as he reached around.
She briefly thought about protesting, but she knew he wanted another climax from her, and she tightened up her muscles, reaching for it with her whole body. And it broke over her, sucking her under as he sped with a mumbled exhalation of her name. She came and he came, hard, and it went on for so long she started to lose feeling in her knees.
He groaned and pulled out slowly. One-handed, he helped her settle in the blankets, quickly going to the bathroom to get rid of the condom and return, snuggling into her back, holding her against his body.
“I missed you. That wasn’t just something I said to fill the silence.” He kissed her shoulder.
“You sound sort of unsure of that. A little angry.”
“Sometimes.” He sucked in a
breath. “If I want you to be open with me, I should be, too. So yeah, at first I was angry. I’ve... This is not what I’m used to.”
“Angry at me?”
“Angry at everything. It made me vulnerable. Missing you made me realize this wasn’t just me dating a woman I enjoyed. Your absence made me confront how much you mean to me. How much space you take up in my life. I wanted it not to matter but it did. And then my anger shifted.”
“Yeah?”
“Some things just are. You’re in my life and I like that. I hated that I’d done something to upset you. More than I was mad you didn’t just tell me what it was.”
She sighed, closing her eyes as she thought about all he’d said. “You scare me, Paddy.”
“I do?”
“Not physically. But...anyway, you matter to me and only people who matter to you can really hurt you.”
“I’ll try not to. But I will, anyway. I’m an amateur at this stuff. But I want you to tell me when I do. Even if you think I’m the biggest asshole ever. I can’t fix it if I don’t know, and if I don’t know and you’re hurting, it’s not fair to me. Or to you.”
She blew out a breath, snagging his hand, kissing his knuckles. “I’ll do my best.”
“You hold your control like a shield. And I get why. But you can let me in sometimes, you know. I want you to trust me enough to do that. To let me be your shield. Isn’t it heavy? Exhausting?”
She nodded, her forearm over her eyes.
“So what I’m suggesting is that between us, when it’s quiet and intimate, you give me some of that control. Let me manage things, and just relax.”
Eyes still closed, she nodded. And jumped. “Yes.”
