by Lauren Dane
And gorgeous sons.
“You know she had us there to help Paddy get me back.”
“Yeah. And I know you’re perfectly capable of saying no when you want to. So maybe you should be thinking about what it is Paddy can do that will make it all right for you to give him another chance. Because you love him. You’ve been miserable without him. Your father pulled some ugly shit and that wasn’t what made you upset. You were worried about our feelings. His included. You belong with him.”
“I do love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
“But?”
“But love isn’t enough. I know I love him. I know he loves me. I just need to figure out the rest. I do want it to work.”
Until she’d met Tuesday and the rest of her friends, she’d never been able to count on anyone. Not absolutely. Even something as simple as when or if she needed a ride somewhere—even if her father was in a pretty good place—she’d learned through experience never to rely on promises. Being disappointed by people had been a hard fact of her life.
It had sort of snuck up on her, the way her friends would say they’d do something and actually did it. The way they remembered things and promises was suddenly something she noticed in its stunning regularity.
She’d had to work to give that to Paddy, and he’d earned it. She’d never felt judged by him. He’d appeared to have accepted her weird triggers. Until that night when he’d dumped all that resentment on her the way he had. But she’d done a similar thing, not meaning to hurt, but doing it, anyway.
“Paddy said he was sorry, and I believe he is. It’s unreasonable, given all the things he could have done to me, for me not to just say, hey yes, things are all right. I’m scared. Because this thing has reminded me what it feels like to be truly miserable, and I’d thought I was past it. I’m trying not to overreact because he’s not that guy and I know it.”
“You know what, Nat? Fuck apologizing for having feelings and for having whatever life experience put you here now. I don’t ever want to hear you say stuff like that because it’s bull. You are who you are. Everything you experienced in your life up to this point makes you who you are.”
Well, then.
“Thank you for saying all that. I do love him. Being with him makes me happy. I want to put in the work to make it right. But there’s a small part of me that is terrified that he’ll fuck me over and I’ll have walked right into it.”
“Eric cheated on me once.”
Natalie turned in her seat to stare, openmouthed at her friend. “I had no idea. When?”
“We were still in school. Our third year. He went to Central America for a quarter. It was one of the women in his program.”
“Oh, my God. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I was embarrassed. I didn’t actually know until about a week after graduation.”
When she’d been planning a wedding.
“I’m so sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s a point here, I promise.” Tuesday snorted. “I always told myself that I’d never stay with a man who hit me or who cheated on me. He’d never have hit me, never. He just wasn’t that person. But we were staying with his parents before our house was ready. I found a letter she’d written him when I was consolidating boxes. I left him and went to my parents’ house. He followed me and laid himself bare. He betrayed me over something so stupid. But he was wrecked. We worked it out eventually. It took me a really long time to get over it. Not so much that he’d slept with someone else, but that I’d trusted him with something, and he’d misused that. He’d given to her what was mine. Anyway, I never regretted giving him another chance. But it took me a few years to truly trust him again.”
Tuesday pulled into their driveway, and once she’d turned the car off, she turned to Natalie. “I have this wound now, because of that. But I loved him, and he loved me, and he made a mistake. I had to figure out if I could live with the humiliation and keep my self-respect. Being in love means you’ll get scars. It’s the way of it. But here’s what I think you need to focus on. He was careless with you. Fights will happen. You’ll both make mistakes. But you have to figure out if you can trust him enough to let him in again.”
* * *
OVER THE NEXT WEEK, she had coffee with Sharon and hung out a lot with Tuesday.
And Paddy texted her every day. The first text had been simple.
Thinking about you today. The sunset was gorgeous. San Diego is one of my favorite cities. I wish you were here.
At first, she didn’t know how to respond. It was agonizing trying to figure out what to say or even if she should say anything at all.
So she’d gone with I love San Diego. Hope you have a great show.
The tension of it, especially after they’d had such ease with one another, was awful.
The next day, he’d sent her a picture of the ocean.
Vaughan dragged me here so he could surf. I did, too. Got my ass kicked like a newbie.
But she made herself respond because she didn’t want to let go. And it got a little easier each time.
You can take my place windsurfing with Tuesday, then.
Will you be watching on the shore?
Maybe.
More had followed. Just a few a day, but each time she responded back, things got a little better between them.
* * *
“SO ARE WE going to the Rose Garden shows?” Tuesday asked her at dinner a few days later.
The first show was the following night and while she knew Paddy had wanted her to go, he’d done his best not to pressure her.
Ezra would be playing both shows. She knew he was buzzing with excitement, and she knew he and Tuesday were back to circling each other, though neither of them said much about it. Natalie had the feeling both of them were waiting to see how this thing between her and Paddy worked out before they finally just jumped on one another.
She’d been tied up in knots over this decision. At first it was a total no. She’d just deal with him when he got home. And then she’d thought to go the last night and sit in the audience, but the shows were sold out. So then she thought she’d go backstage but just the last night.
“Ezra would love it if we went.”
Natalie raised a brow. “Are we allowed to discuss this Ezra/Tuesday thing? Is there a this to discuss?”
Tuesday sighed. “I don’t know what there is. But I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. And before you ask, no we have not made the sex. Yet. It feels like there’s a yet. But anyway, I think we should go. To both shows. So I can look at Ezra when he’s being a rock star because as you’re aware, it’s really hot. And because I think Paddy is trying, and you want him to succeed.”
“Okay. We’ll go.”
“Good, because I’m going to give you a manicure after dinner. Obviously not a pedicure because we know you’re weird about that. But your nails should look nice.”
“Yeah, I’m sure Paddy would be scandalized if I had a chip in my polish.”
“You hush.”
“You hush.”
“Very mature.” Tuesday sniffed, but a smile lurked at her mouth.
“You’re the one all ‘hey, ask Ezra if he likes me but don’t tell him I asked.’”
“I know Ezra likes me, Natalie.” Tuesday’s arch look made her giggle.
“He wants to touch your boobies. Just be careful. Those Hurley boys, you get a taste, and they’re trouble. Sharon was right when she said they dig in like ticks, and it’s too late.”
“The best kind of trouble, though. I mean, if Ezra fucks anywhere near as well as he kisses, I’m in.”
“I can’t speak to Ezra’s sex prowess, but I can, of course, testify as to Paddy’s. He gets an A. Also he’s...” Natalie shivered, remembering. “So. Dirty.”
Tuesday laughed. “Awesome.”
“Not in a gross way. I don’t know how he manages to be so filthy and yet not icky or predatory.”
“I don’t know. Ezra
is outside my normal experience with men. As is Paddy. They’re just oozing with something compelling.”
And when it was all focused on her...Paddy had made her feel special in a way no one else ever had.
She blew out a breath. “Okay, so you choose what I’m going to wear so the nail polish can match.”
“I love it when you give in to the inevitable so early. It’s really easier that way.”
“I’m perfectly capable of dressing myself and looking nice.”
“You totally are. You’re cute. You work that and keep it classic and pretty all at once. But I can make you look fabulous and sexy without looking like you’re trying too hard. It’s a gift, Nats.”
“I feel bad you have such a problem with your self-esteem. You should do those affirmations in the mirror.”
Tuesday tugged her arm and got her up. “Let’s go look in your closet.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
“HEY, BOBBI, WHAT do you have for me today?” Natalie would work awhile that morning before she headed to Portland with Tuesday later on. It’d keep her mind busy instead of thinking about seeing Paddy and how it would go.
Bobbi waggled her brows. “Spice doughnuts.”
“Get out! Really? You’re so awesome I could kiss you for that. I want them all and a mocha, too.”
“I’d prefer that if you’re going to hand out kisses, they’re all for me.”
Heart in her throat, she turned to find Paddy standing there.
“What are you doing here?”
He took three steps and stopped, just shy of touching her. “Missing you so much, my heart hurts.”
Slowly, he cupped her cheek. “Natalie Clayton, right? We met before. You worked at that dive bar.”
“I have to go to work.”
One corner of his mouth tipped up. “Are you saying you don’t remember me?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I thought I knew you.”
He frowned a moment and got a little closer, his chest against hers now. “I’m Paddy Hurley, and I’m the man who loves you.”
It didn’t matter then that she was in a public place. He was there with her.
“If you’ll let me, Nat, I’ll be the man you need every day for the rest of our lives. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I promised to take care of the trust you gave me, and I didn’t. I was stupid and careless, and I hurt you. Please give me another chance.”
Three weeks and she hadn’t seen him. Three weeks and she’d thought things might have been over but there, with his hand on her cheek, his body touching hers, those eyes seeing right through her, she’d been lying to pretend she didn’t want to be with him.
“Okay.”
His smile grew. “Okay? I’m going to kiss you now. Right here in front of Bobbi and God and everyone walking by.”
“Get to it, Patrick.”
His mouth met hers, and she breathed him in. She slid her hands around his waist, under his coat and held on.
It wasn’t a slow, sweet kiss. The heat of him slammed against her system, taking over. His tongue brushed over her bottom lip before he gave it a hard tug with his teeth.
It was only because it was so public that she didn’t give in to the moan threatening to burst from her diaphragm. He kissed himself right back into her life and when he broke away, he rested his forehead to hers.
“I’ve missed you so much. It feels so good to have you here in my arms where you belong.”
It did feel good. And right.
“I missed you, too. What are you doing here?”
“Groveling. We got in late last night. I wanted to come to you then, but all the lights were off when I drove by. I knew you’d be here to get coffee before work, so I figured I’d wait here and pounce when you got all moony-eyed over doughnuts.”
“You’re diabolical.”
He cupped her cheeks, holding her face as he looked at her so intently, it was like he was committing every bit of her to his memory. “I’ll do anything I have to to get you back.”
Someone cleared their throat, and Natalie looked around, realizing customers were waiting, and they’d been blocking the counter. Bobbi grinned at them.
“Sorry.” She stepped away, paying and grabbing her things, and Paddy kept right with her.
The woman who’d been next in line shrugged. “No need to apologize. I’m going to call my husband when I leave here just to tell him I love him. You going to give this handsome devil a second chance for whatever he did?”
“Do you think I should?”
Paddy snorted.
“He looks at you in a way I hope someone looks at me someday. Plus, he’s gorgeous and rich,” one of the others in line piped up. “Unless he cheated, in which case, punch his Adam’s apple really hard and dump him.”
Paddy rubbed this throat. “I’ve got her, why would I need anyone else?”
“Good answer.” Bobbi winked.
“Can I walk you to work?”
“Yeah. Come on.” She sipped her coffee, and as he opened the door, she grabbed a doughnut and took a bite. When he turned to her, she offered him the other.
“You must love me to share your doughnuts.”
“You’re okay for a rich, gorgeous rock star.”
“I was reckless with your heart and your trust.”
They kept walking, his arm around her shoulders as she leaned in against him.
“Yes. I don’t need every minute of your time or attention. I don’t expect us to never fight because you’re difficult, and you think charming gets you a pass for it.”
She paused and jerked her head to a nearby bench. They sat, and she drank some more coffee before speaking again. “I’m difficult, too. I’m a control freak, which you’ve known since the beginning, so I can’t apologize for that part. I don’t expect you not to be flirty or charming with other women, that’s all part of the Paddy Hurley thing. I know your life is wild, especially on tour. And I accept that, even when it makes me uncomfortable. I’m doing my best to work through it. But I have these, I don’t know, buttons, wounds, whatever, triggers? Whatever you call them, I have them, and sometimes I may not know about them until they get pushed. And you have always accepted that. So now, what I’m saying is, I own my shit when I’m responsible for it. Clearly, I pushed your buttons with how I brought up the interview situation. I made you feel like I didn’t trust you to help me through.”
Paddy sighed. “We’re both a pair. Jeez. Look, it was stupid. I just... I’d worked hard to gain your trust, and I was so happy that you’d come to me, and we’d just had some seriously stellar sex. It hit me wrong, and I just stopped thinking. I hit out and I hurt you. I wanted you to count on me to come to me when you needed something.”
“And I did. And your reaction made me feel like I shouldn’t have. Like I couldn’t.” She chewed on her lip.
“I know. I’m sorry. I wish I could take it all back but I can’t. All I can do is promise to do my best going forward.”
“I need to be able to count on you. Scratch that, I was totally able to count on you. I love you. So much, it was torture not to be with you. But I’d rather feel that than feel like I can’t trust you. And I know it’s unfair to expect so much. I’m a dick, too. And high-maintenance that way. But it’s who I am and how all my broken pieces fit together. In turn, I have to own my shit, too. And stay.”
“You’re not a dick for that. I want it, too. You and your broken pieces need to be with me. They’re the most beautiful broken pieces I’ve ever seen.”
She looked into his face and saw love there. “Okay.”
He kissed her again, this time long and slow, leaving her boneless when he broke away. “You’re coming to the show tonight?”
“Did you just kiss me until you were sure I’d say yes?”
“Did it work?”
“I decided for sure last night. I’m only working a few hours this morning, mainly to keep my mind off you. Tuesday and I are heading to Portland in the afternoon.”
&
nbsp; He grinned, and she took his hand, winding their fingers together. “You’re impossible when you get your way.”
“I’ll make it worth your while. Will you stay with me tonight? Go to tomorrow’s show, too?”
“Are you staying in Portland?”
“Nah. It’s only an hour away. I wanted to come home. To you. I slept like shit in my bed, though. Because your stuff is in my bathroom. Your things are at my house, and you weren’t, and I didn’t know if you ever would be other than taking it all back.”
“Enough of that, okay? I feel like we can’t keep going over it if we’re to move on. I don’t need you to wear a hair shirt. You’re sorry. I’m sorry. We’re together.”
“So you’ll stay?”
“Incorrigible.”
“Unmanageable, too. But goddamn, I love you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
PADDY BOUNDED UP the stairs toward the stage. One-handed, he took his guitar as Nat held his other. He paused before walking out and gave her a kiss. Letting her taste reassure him.
She was there with him. They were back on track. Everything was really, really good.
“Have a great show. I love you.”
He grinned. “I love you, too.” He walked out and let the sound of a hometown crowd wash over him. They’d made a few adjustments to tonight’s lineup. Some because Ezra was with them, and some for other reasons.
“It’s good to be home, Portland.”
More cheers as he grinned out over the crowd. The lights meant he couldn’t really see it all, but he felt their attention, and it fed into his mood.
“I think this is gonna be a good show. What do you guys think?”
The crowd cheered, hooted and yelled out song titles.
Paddy looked to the side. “Ez, what do you think? Gonna be a good show?”
Ezra walked out, slinging his guitar on, and the crowd lost their minds. Paddy grinned at his big brother.
