***
“You have to stop, Liz,” she told me.
“Stop what?”
“The drinking. The self-destructing,” she snaps. “I can’t take it anymore.”
“So don’t take,” I shout back. “No one is making you stay here. Go home!”“You don’t mean that,” she says sadly.
“So what if I do?” I didn’t but hey, I was on a roll already. And drunk. Let’s not forget drunk.
“I’m not going to apologize for loving you,” she says softly. “I’m not going to apologize for wanting you to live your life.” She says as she headed to pack her bags.
“I’m already dead,” I said, but she couldn’t hear me.
***
So, like I said, I’m sitting here in Father’s. At the bar. And nursing a hangover and heartache. Hannah is gone. She left within the hour. And I miss her. She was somehow keeping me tethered.
“What can I get you, Aliza?” Katy asks me.
“I think a coke,” I tell her. I lick my lips. I want something harder. I want something to dull the hurt. I’m so torn and I don’t know what to do.
“Coke, coming right up, doll,” she says as she fills it with the squirt gun behind the bar. I always thought it would be fun to use one of those, but knowing me, I’d make a mess.
I sip my drink and think about all the mistakes I have made. Should I call Hannah? Or will it all blow over? The big one, do I fix my life or do I let it take me down? I’m so lost in thought that I don’t even hear Angie come in and sit down. I’m not going to lie, I have been avoiding her for awhile. She’s got her dream man, she’s pregnant and glowing, she’s in love. She has everything I had and lost and I don’t want to see it. Not every day, not at all. But on the other hand, those thoughts make me feel like a total shit. She’s so sweet and nice and I really like her. She has become my friend.
“Hey, Angie,” Katy greets her with a smile.
“Hi, ladies!” she floats in and sits down next to me. She firms up her shoulders and I can see she has reached some decision and it’s going to be...unpleasant. “So, I’m just going to give it to you straight. Cody says we’re getting married in August. I am okay with that because I don’t want to be the size of a barn in my dress. I need bridesmaids. I could ask you guys, but you would say no, so I’m telling you. You. Will. Be. My bridesmaids. Yay!!!! I’m so happy!!!!” She cheers and throws back her own soda.
What the fuck just happened here. I look at Katy and she just shrugs. This has to be a picnic full of ponies and shit for her too. At least I got a wedding and a marriage and babies, Katy got left in the cold with a flag in her arms. Well, I guess in the end, so did I.
“So, I was thinking gray silk would be so pretty on both of you and you both have the prettiest figures.”
“Umm…” I say.
“And we’re getting married in Key West, I guess Cody loves it there.”
“Umm...” I try again.
“Dress fitting is Thursday at 2pm,” she practically bounces in her seat.
“Umm…” I don’t even know why I’m still trying, this train is off the tracks and apparently headed for Key West! Jesus.
“Well, okay then,” she claps before placing a ten on the bar. “I’ll see you guys Thursday! Yippee!” she claps before scooping up her bag and heading out the door.
“What the fuck just happened?” I ask Katy.
“We just got ambushed by a Mini Mable,” she nods.
“Holy crap,” I breathe.
“She’s right though.”
“How’s that?” I ask.
“We’re going to look bitchin’ in gray silk. Maybe I can catch me a man,” I laugh. Poor Katy will be cock blocked for eternity by her un-blood brother.
“Holt will never let that happen and you know it,” I laugh again and it feels...nice.
“Older brothers are the worst,” she folds her arms over her chest and pouts like a child and not a twenty eight year old woman.
“Correction: six foot, five inch older brothers who get to carry a gun on their hip for work are terrifying,” I laugh again. Katy just scowls. I have no doubt she’ll find her way.
CHAPTER 13
Holt
Three days later
I’m sitting at my desk and wondering how do I stop this ache in my chest. It has been a week since I woke up in Liz’s bed last. I never kissed her. I never touched her inappropriately. I just held her while she cried herself to sleep. I had to go back. Diablo is funny about things like eating and being petted and snuggled. And my throwing a ball for him, he’s weird like that. I thought about packing his little kitty stuff up and taking him over to Aliza’s house, but that sounded weird. Like a lot of commitment for a girl that will never be mine. Can never be mine.
Hannah had told me to get gone in no uncertain terms. She said it was bad form for me to be sleeping with my dead best friend's girl, and she was right. So I went home. I never found out what was going on with Hannah and I guess I’ll never know. I heard the other day she and Liz had a big blow out and she headed back home to her husband.
So here I am wondering--well--where do we go from here? I know that she’s drowning. But I also know that I can’t save her. I love her, but I know that I shouldn’t. I have to wait. Be patient. I have to let Liz come to me. For anything she might need. Even if it’s just as a friend. And I’ll be waiting. Silently. But, I will also be watching and guiding. I may not be able to love her like I want to, but I will damn sure protect her from any more hurts. Anything I can, really.
I’m lost in these deep, dark thoughts when two quick knocks sound on my door, catching me by surprise. I look up just in time to see Cody saunter through my door with a big ass smile on his face. Leave it to Cody to be one of the few people that would walk into this office without confirmation that they may enter. Cocky assed bastard.
“How the hell are you, man?” I ask as I stand and walk around my desk to shake his hand and slap his back like real men do when we hug our buddies.
“I’m great,” He smiles brightly. “I’m getting married,” he tells me.
“I know, I was in New York,” I laugh. “You’re welcome by the way.”
“Thank you,” he says as he narrows his eyes at me. “But I mean I’m getting married in a month.”
“Wow, that’s really fast,” I say knowing my eyes must be huge.
“Well, Angel is knocked up with my child so she can’t run from me any longer,” he nods seriously. I take this time to notice what a weirdo my best friend is. Huh, I never noticed that before. This must be what love does to you.
“Sounds good, man,” I tell him meaning it genuinely.
“So you’re going to be my best man. Thanks, buddy, I appreciate it!” He claps as he stands up out of the chair in front of my desk.
“Wait! What?” I ask as I hold my palm out to halt his retreat. “You can’t just drop a bomb on me like that and bail, I need details. Do the recon,” I tell him feeling the panic claw up my throat. I was supposed to be Will’s best man. And I was Sam’s groomsman. His brother, Mark, was his best man. Both are dead now.
“Damn, that worked a lot better when Angel did it to Aliza and Katy,” he tells me.
“Aliza and Katy?” I question.
“Yeah, Aliza and Katy,” he looks at me like I’m dumb. “They’re her bridesmaids or whatever it is girls do.”
“Okay,” I nod, because I’m lost. Aliza said she'd be a bridesmaid? Or was she coerced? Either way, she’ll be beautiful.
“Yeah, Angel walked right in and got both girls on board before they knew what hit them,” he nods his head. “You’re sneakier than they are so you busted me but you’re still going to do it,” he says firmly.
“Yeah, buddy, I will,” I tell him.
“Great!” he jumps up. “August, Key West. Wear a suit. Love ya, man!” he shouts as he runs out the door. And I got to tell you, my thoughts are running pretty wild with thoughts of Aliza in Key West. In a bikini. Or nothing on the beach
. And I’m hard. At work. Shit.
CHAPTER 14
Holt
September...
With wedding plans on both sides spiralling wildly out of control at rapid speeds, the big day was here before we knew it. It’s hard to believe it was only a few weeks ago, that I was sitting in my office when Cody dropped this mess in my lap.
A chance to be close with Liz while at the same time, I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t want to be near her. I’ll hurt her more, or she’ll hurt me. But here I am, sitting on a mother fucking plane, headed to florida, with a grin on my face at the thought of seeing her and a hard on in my pants. PS if the old lady next to me doesn’t stop giving my crotch the side eyes, I’m going to have a complex. I think I am equally proportioned for a man my size. And I am six foot, five inches. But still, the way she’s staring is starting to make me feel uncomfortable.
The plane will be landing soon and then I’ll check in and go straight to bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow. I missed everything wrapping up a poaching case with Tate, the Game Warden, but all is well and I’m leaving the town in decent hands. The Police Chief is getting ready to retire, but he held on for one more month to help me out before he transitions in the new guy. Some big deal from a big city. Like he’ll last here more than a day. I roll my eyes.
The plane touches down and I take a deep breath. I feel more relaxed than I have been in a long time and I have a sinking suspicion that it has everything to do with seeing my girl. She’s not my girl.
“Whoever she is, she must be something pretty special,” the old lady sitting next to me says as she places her bony hand over my forearm. I give her the only true response that I can.
“She is.”
CHAPTER 15
Holt
From This Moment
This morning, my alarm woke me and it was the first morning in a long time, that I didn’t groan and wonder if the world would keep spinning if I just went back to bed. Last night I caught the last flight from Texas to Florida and missed the rehearsal and dinner for Angie and Cody’s wedding. These poachers are going to give me all the gray hair. Well, more than life can already give a thirty six year old man.
But today is the big day. It’s not every day that one of your best buddies gets married. Plus, Liz in a great dress and a smile on her face, I am there. My cock hardens at the thought of her. I heard from Cody that the dresses are gray and my thoughts have been consumed with visions of her smokey gray eyes. Kissed by the fairies, my irish grandmother would say she was. I’ll have to remember to tell her.
I know the girls will spend all day getting dressed, but men aren’t like that. Never have, never will be. Cody might be kind of a girl about some things, but I’m a Marine and a sheriff. They would take my gun away from me along with my man card if we sat around and primped like the women. So this morning is the regular shit, shower, and shave like every morning. But then we put on the monkey suits. And then we drink and smoke cigars while the girls finish their girly shit. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot wait to see the end result of Liz’s girly shit, and I know Cody can’t wait either, but we just don’t do that.
So here I am, standing in my hotel suite with a window that overlooks the palm trees and sand that lead down to the ocean. And it is beautiful, but this morning, I am standing here not looking at the ocean or even a beautiful woman in my bed, no, I am standing here looking at the monkey suit that Angie ordered me to wear. And order she did. Right before she told me to leave the badge and gun at home, fun only. Her words, not mine.
I guess it could be worse. The last time I stood for a friend, I did it in my dress uniform, with its heavy wool coat and starched collar. Then again, I did wear that same uniform a few months ago for Sam one last time. But I’m not going to let my thoughts head down that dark trail today. Maybe my real problem is that I don’t know how to not wear a uniform. Marine, Sheriff, all uniforms with a specific purpose. Sure, I can wear jeans and a t-shirt like a boss, but maybe I don’t know how to be anything but the uniform I wear. Shit, that’s depressing.
I drop the towel from around my waist and step into my gray boxer briefs. I pull a brand new white t-shirt on over my head and feel the fabric stretch over the muscles of my shoulders, back, and chest. I can’t help but wonder, would Liz like seeing me like this? I know when she’s seen me in the past, I thought I saw a look of appreciation pass through her eyes. But who knows, really? I pull on the white dress shirt and button all the buttons. I hold my breath hoping the size Angie got me wasn’t too small. I’m a big guy and shirts like this aren’t usually made for me, but this one feels like it was. Nice. I pull on the light gray slacks and do up my black leather belt. I move to the mirror and tie the light pink and gray striped tie around my neck. Please, Jesus, let Angie of picked this tie or else I will have to disown Cody for being a big vagina. Amen! I button the gray vest over it and the cuff up the sleeves as instructed. Christ, Cody is such a chick. I put on my dress shoes and socks and take a quick peek in the mirror while pocketing my wallet, room key, and cellphone before heading out the door to go meet Cody. Maybe Liz will like what she sees, who knows.
***
I knock on the suite where Cody and his dad are supposed to be getting ready. I stand there for about two point five seconds before the door to the room is thrown open and his dad bellows for me to enter.
“Thank Christ,” he sighs. “Cody is in here losing his shit. Get your ass in here.”
“What’s going on?” I go on alert.
“He’s being a big girl,” his dad laughs. “I just can’t take it anymore.”
“Morning Sheriff,” Cody’s grandpa who was in the Army and I think makes him like me more than the rest says. “Come over here and have some tequila.”
“Jesus,” I say. “Isn’t it just a bit early?”
“For tequila?” he questions. “Never,” he says with the utmost seriousness.
“Just humor him, but don’t get carried away or else Angie will cut your balls off,” Cody tells me calmly.
“I thought you were supposed to be losing your shit?” I ask my best friend.
“Meh, I’m fine,” he shrugs. “I had some of Gramps’ tequila and now I don’t feel so bad, plus I decided to focus on the positive.”
“Sure, you’re marrying the love of your life today,” I nod. “She’s a great gal.”
“The best,” he winks at me and it’s a little bit creepy. “I am marrying her today, but I’m just busying myself wondering what kind of underwear she has on under her dress.”
“Christ,” I hear his dad shout from the front of the suite.
“That’s my boy!” His Gramps cheers as he does another shot. My stomach burns from the first one. I swear that man is ninety if he’s a day and he throws them back like water.
“Hookay…” I try and get this train back on track. “Anything we need to do before we kick off these festivities?” I ask.
“Nah, we’re about good to go,” Cody says just as there’s a knock on the hotel room door.
“Yes?” Mr. Reynolds asks.
“We’re ready for you guys,” she says softly. This must be the wedding planner that comes with the resort. Cody told me that she’s life changing.
She leads us down the sand and stone pathway to where all of Cody and Angie’s friends and family are seated in bright white chairs. The Judge, a short man with a thin frame, and a full head of soft white hair smiles kindly as he walks down the aisle. Once he is stationed in front of a large archway made of willow branches and driftwood, and all sorts of flowers and candles, Cody’s dad walks his mom down the aisle and sits down at the seats on the end.
Cody and I walk side by side down the aisle next and shake the hand of the elderly Judge as we stop in front of the willow branches. Cody stops in the middle next to him, but I move to stand next to a white pedestal that holds a football, a white dress cover, and boutineer like the one pinned to my vest in honor of Sam who should be standing here with me but isn’t. Al
iza and I both knew it was coming, but my breath caught at the sight of it. I hope she’s okay when she sees it.
But all thoughts leave my head when the music starts. From where it comes, I don’t know. And usually, I would laugh at the overly sentimental music, but when the drums and guitar strings of From This Moment start my heart pounds in my chest because from behind a large floral arrangement comes Katydid. The little sister of my heart. She was supposed to marry Will. Maybe they would still be married and maybe they wouldn’t. Who knows? They were so young, but the point is, they didn’t get the chance. And that sucks. Liz and I never got the chance either, but Sam knew from the moment he saw her in that bar that he was going to marry her. Who was I to stand in the way of that kind of love?
The music builds and Liz, my girl, steps out and all the breath in my chest whooshes out of my lungs. Jesus, she’s gorgeous. Her dark blonde hair has gotten so long over the last few months and hangs in big curls down her back with thick sections at the front pinned back. Her makeup, heavier than she normally wears it, but gorgeous nonetheless. And her dress is short enough that I can see her lower legs and the top has no straps and defies gravity the way it folds and twists and turns around her ample breasts. And it is gray. A light, shimmery gray that makes her eyes sparkle. And those eyes, they are locked on mine.
She holds my gaze all the way down the aisle with a look of happiness. And nervousness. But still, happiness. This is all I have ever wanted for her. From her, to look at me like that. I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have her walk towards me on an aisle of rose petals to pledge her love and loyalty to me for the rest of her life and mine. But no matter what, I will take from her whatever she is willing to give.
Whiskey Lullabye (Southern Heartbeats, Vol. 2) Page 5
