by D. C. Stone
Lucas blinked as Alan kept talking, suddenly realizing something. His mind struggled to wrap around it. The question sitting on the tip of his tongue felt heavy and thick. Mr. Turner, Anna’s father, kept speaking in the past tense about his daughter. Almost as if…no…Oh God, no.
“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, Lucas. I know how hard it must be.”
Lucas shook his head and sat up straighter, tensed to hear the words through his pulse pounding in his ears. “Wait. What are you saying?”
“Anna’s dead,” Alan answered, his voice scratchy. “She…” He let out a deep breath, and the sound of his voice catching tore at Lucas’ heart. “She was in an accident. A car hit her on her way home from the airport. I would have told you sooner, but I didn’t know how to reach you and I’m sorry, but her service was this past weekend.”
Alan continued to talk, but Lucas couldn’t hear. A roaring had started in his ears and his pulse thundered behind his eyes. Distantly, he heard Alan calling out his name.
A crushing weight caved in on his chest. The phone slipped from his hand and hit the desk with a thud. He stared at nothing in front of him and saw one thing: Annabelle. She flashed in his vision, the young woman of the past, and the person she had grown into.
Pressure built in his chest until he had no choice but to let it go. A harsh sob echoed through the room. His face fell into his hands. He wept openly, not caring who heard or what anyone thought. He regretted the life they never had, the woman who had meant so much to him, and the future that would never be.
Twenty-Three
Two days later, Lucas stared at the gray slab of stone in front of him. It only seemed right coming to the cemetery. But now he didn’t know what to make of the situation. It seemed more real somehow, more final, less of a dream. The past few days went by in a daze since the phone call that changed his life.
No, not a dream. More like some kind of nightmare he couldn’t rouse from.
Perched on a small hill overlooking a large field of stones, sat a fresh grave, the dirt a reminder that she had recently been put to rest.
Annabelle Russo
1980 – 2011
Wife, daughter, and friend.
Rest in peace.
Dear God, what to do now? What could he say? Did one talk to a grave? Would she hear him?
Where would he even begin?
He shut his eyes and tilted his head back, squeezed his lids against the onslaught of emotions. He needed to do this, but saying anything to her now, after everything was lost, seemed so damn final. He still wasn’t ready to say goodbye.
Not this time.
Birds chirped in the trees nearby, the breeze whispered over his skin as if taunting him of her touch. The scent of flowers, dirt, and death filled his nostrils. It was probably his imagination getting away from him with that last one, but he swore he could smell it, taste it on his tongue. It was bitter, cruel.
He opened his eyes and stared up at the sky. Stars twinkled in the twilight. He thought back on all the times he and Anna spent under the stars. She always made time for it, the vast beyond fascinating her. And in turn, she fascinated him. So he’d sit with her, watching her watch the sky, listening to her talk about the world for hours.
“Stars twinkle, Luc. Planets show with a steady stream of light. That’s how you’ll always be able to tell the difference. In a world where so much changes, you can count on that one thing. Much like how you’ll always be able to count on me.”
He couldn’t tell the difference. Every pinpoint of light in the sky twinkled to him now…or maybe it was just from his eyes stinging with tears.
He’d become a chick in the past few days, his body leaking fluid from his eyes left and right. But he didn’t care. His wife knew a friend had passed. And he’d finally told her the entire story of Annabelle.
She hadn’t been surprised.
If anything, it made them stronger, closer, and her more understanding. Still, he’d change it all just to hear Annabelle laugh one more time. Just to see her smile. To say goodbye face-to-face. Anything.
He tore his gaze from the sky. His legs wanted to give out from beneath him with what he knew was coming, so he sat next to her stone. The cool ground invaded through his pants, but he ignored it. Picking at the grass, he tried like hell to get up the nerve for what he came to do. He didn’t think he was ready. He wanted to lay next to her, feel closer to her, and yet, this was all he had. They needed to say goodbye.
God, he was such a coward.
Much like ten years earlier.
That thought strengthened his resolve, and he swallowed the lump in his throat.
“You’ve gone and done it again, Anna. You’ve left me without giving me a choice.” He paused and blinked the sting from his eyes, laughing lightly without humor, before continuing. “It wasn’t your fault, I know, I know. Hell, ten years ago it wasn’t either.”
He clamped his mouth shut, held it tightly together. Pressure built like a damn geyser, the pain of losing her wanting to jump out of his throat. It took a few moments, but he got under control.
“Anna, hell…” His voice broke, but he forged ahead. “I’m so damn sorry for the what if’s and the had not’s. There are so many things I wish I could change. So many things I’d like to do for you. So fucking much I’d want to tell you…to your face.” He drew in a shaky breath. “Instead, I’m forced to tell you here, as you lie in the ground, and as your soul flies high.”
He glanced at the stars and then resumed picking at a piece of grass. “Annabelle Marie…you…are an amazing woman. You always have been, and in you, I found myself and found the man I wanted to be. You made me want to be this better person. I wanted to be better for you, wanted to push my rowdy ways somewhere deep where no one would find them. All for you.
“Before you, women were just a passing time of fun. During and after you, it was something different. You did that to me. You taught me companionship, friendship, and how to love unconditionally. You taught me what it truly means to meet your soul mate. Anna…” At the sound of her name coming from his mouth, his voice crumbled. He had to push the words out from his tight throat. “I can wish for so much. I know what I want.” Tears spilled over his eyes, trailed unchecked down his cheeks. “Just one more minute…with you. But, God, Anna…” Her name rose in a pitch as his world deteriorated. He was alone, in a cold graveyard, speaking to the woman who held his heart for so long. To the one who was never his. To the one he wanted.
“You’re gone. There won’t ever be a moment in my life that I won’t look to the stars and think of you. There won’t ever be a moment that I won’t remember your love, your gift to me, or even the most important, your friendship. In return, I will love you, and God, I do…so fucking much.”
He dropped his head between his bent knees and closed his eyes. There wasn’t much more that could be said, but he didn’t want to leave yet. In a way, it reminded him of those weeks ago when they went to the beach. There was something about his connection to her, which drew him to want to be around her. She was like sunshine in a world of darkness. Even now with her gone, he couldn’t leave her side.
A deep voice behind him said, “You came.”
Startled, he lifted his head, glanced over his shoulder.
A tall male stood three feet away with sandy blond hair, watching him with a knowing gaze. Anna’s husband, Tommy.
Lucas pushed off the ground and rose slowly. Jesus, what could he say?
“I did.”
“I knew you would.” Tommy crossed the distance and stepped to the other side of her grave. He bent and set a single red rose on her tombstone before his hands traced over the letters of her name. It was almost too intimate of a moment. But Lucas wouldn’t turn away.
He couldn’t.
“She spoke of you,” Tommy mumbled.
Lucas’ eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. Tommy stood to his full height again and captured his gaze across Annabelle.
“She didn’t know she did it, but she did,” her husband stated. “In her sleep when she had a fever. Even in the last moments of her life when her heart started giving up. Your name was whispered by her. Lucas.” Tommy thinned his lips at that last part.
Lucas swallowed hard and fought like hell to keep his gaze. He was speechless, and didn’t know what could be said to make anyone feel better about anything. Fuck, the guy just lost his wife.
But damn it, he lost her, too.
“Look, Lucas. I know this isn’t the best time for chitchat. But I think she would have wanted you to know something. She was happy, or at least she seemed so. I won’t lie and tell you I was happy about her feelings toward you. I won’t even say I didn’t get jealous at times. But in the end, she married me. She loved me, I know this. But she also loved you.”
Tommy brushed his fingers across Anna’s headstone. “And damn us all, I loved her with every bit of who I am.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he huffed, lost. “Anna was a phenomenal woman.”
“She was.” Tommy forged on. “And there is nothing left to say. I didn’t come here for you, but instead to make sure she was okay.”
Tommy glanced down at the grave again and closed his eyes.
“You’re welcome to come visit when you want, Lucas. Just make sure if you do, you say the right words to her. And remember, while she may have loved you, she was married to me. Respect that.” Tommy raised his gaze and pinged him with a hard stare before turning on his heel and walking away, alone.
Just like Lucas felt.
Twenty-Four
Losing Anna, knowing she’d never pop back up in his life, never send him a text message, or respond with her sassy nature in an email, sent Lucas into a dark time. The days following his trip to Seattle seemed almost nonexistent, as if he were just a shell of who he used to be. Everyone walked around him as if they were scared to say one thing wrong.
But loss was loss, and losing something affects individuals differently. Losing someone who meant something affects a thousand times over anything else. This loss, and Tommy’s message, forever changed him.
It wasn’t only with himself, but with how he looked at his parents, his kid, his wife…
Who he was before Annabelle’s death and because of it, shook him immeasurably. Her death had him questioning the kind of man he had become. The kind of father he wanted to be for AJ.
While it seemed the world stopped turning, life continued to spin. The time for healing wouldn’t be quick, but he’d work through it day-by-day.
Looking back on the decisions he had made and on who he had become was one of the hardest things to do, because in many memories, Annabelle or thoughts of her were there. The path he’d chosen, though, couldn’t have any short cuts, and he had to learn, and did, to deal with the pain of losing her.
In the end, life went on, whether he liked it or not. Whether he was ready or not.
Life went on.
Even though it stopped for Anna.
Now, months after his final goodbye to her, he sat in his backyard with AJ and lifted his head. It was one of those clear night skies where the stars did twinkle, where he could spend time teaching his son about the sky and the difference between stars and planets. As Anna taught him so long ago.
He smiled at her up in the sky. Knew she’d be grinning down on him, proud of what he was doing, laughing at the horrible jokes he told his son. He got through each day with the thought that she was looking down, watching over them. He liked to think she was in a position of being their guardian angel. He hated the times where he imagined he could have fathered her children. Those were the darkest times, the ones filled with regret.
He didn’t whisper secret words to her anymore. No, he respected Tommy’s wishes on that. Instead, he told her his thoughts on AJ and how fast he was growing up, and he told her stupid things he thought she’d like to know. He kept her in his thoughts and embraced the love he had for her.
His Anna would always be one of the greatest and closest friends he had. She continued to teach him things about himself, continued to make him want to be a better man, and continued to surround him with her love, all from her little perch in the sky.
And when his days on the Earth were done, it would be the day he joined her for one last dance in the sky…
