Nell scowled. “Why?”
“Mmm . . . remember how, for a long time, you kept asking me why I didn’t go out with Michelle, and I said I couldn’t, because I was her boss?” Nell nodded. “Well, that’s what they’ll think. That I shouldn’t be going out with Michelle because I’m her boss.”
Nell studied her thumb, worrying her cuticle. “So is it bad that you and Michelle are going out?”
Fuck. “No, it’s not bad, it’s different. And a lot of people don’t understand or like things that are different. I don’t know why. But your grandparents are those kind of people.”
“Oh,” said Nell, clearly disappointed.
Esa felt bad. “I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”
He checked his watch. Tee minus one minute. He was glad the issue of him and Michelle had come up before dinner. He could just imagine their reactions to Nell’s cheery, happy news: the stares, the mouths pressed into thin, disapproving lines. How had he and Danika ever gotten out of that house without being totally fucked up? Oh, wait, they hadn’t: Danika had no interest in a relationship and had been raising Nell in a manner directly opposite to their parents. And up until now, he’d only felt alive when he was king of the ice and all sexual conquests. That had to say something.
“Is this them?”
Esa’s eyes slid from the love seat where they were sitting to the bank of elevators across the immense, ornate lobby. He always felt a small, unnerving jolt when he saw his father, because the resemblance between them was so strong. Esa had a feeling that this was what he’d look like in twenty-five years or so, graying at the temples, his eyes no longer curious but resigned, three or four stripes of worry across his forehead. Yet his father was still a handsome man.
Seeing his mother gave him an unexpected jolt as well, but for a different reason. He hadn’t seen her since Danika’s funeral. He’d forgotten how much his sister looked like her. He cast an uneasy sideway glance at Nell, wondering if she saw her grandmother’s resemblance to her mum as well. Her face was anxious.
Esa and Nell stood, Nell taking his hand. They walked to the center of the lobby to meet his parents. There was an awkward moment as Esa tried to figure out protocol. Was he supposed to hug his parents hello? Wait for them to hug him? Would they hug Nell?
“Hyraa joulua,” Nell said to them politely.
A tiny, almost infinitesimal smile lifted the corner of her grandmother’s lips. “Hyraa joulua,” she returned, equally polite. Esa felt a small part of his heart harden against her. Why couldn’t she have commended Nell for saying “Merry Christmas” in Finnish?
“Hyraa joulaa,” Esa said to his mother, kissing her lightly on both cheeks. His mother said the same, as did his father, who shook his hand.
“You’re looking well,” he said to Esa in Finnish.
“As is Nell,” his mother remarked in their native tongue. “Perhaps your sister didn’t make a mistake.”
“Nell doesn’t speak Finnish, remember?” Esa pointed out. “English only tonight.”
“Don’t you think maybe she should learn?” his mother suggested. “I’m hoping that she might start spending summers with us.”
About as likely as an asteroid hitting the earth, Esa thought. “Her school doesn’t teach Finnish. English only, okay?”
His mother finally acquiesced. “All right,” she said in English. “You made reservations?”
Esa rolled his eyes. “Of course.” He smiled at Nell, who had moved a little closer to him. “We’re hungry, right?”
Nell nodded, smiling up at him bravely. He wished he could say aloud: I know this is hard for you. You hardly know them. But even without Michelle here, it will be all right, I promise.
They were seated in a very formal dining room. It was early yet, so the only other people having dinner were an elderly couple, sipping soup, who looked displeased to see a child enter the room. Esa gave them a prolonged, nasty stare until they looked away.
A very solicitous waiter was soon at their table, handing out menus. “Can I get anyone a drink?”
Nell leaned over and whispered to Esa, “Can I have a Coke?”
“Of course,” he whispered back.
“A Coke, please,” Nell said to the waiter politely.
Esa stared down his mother’s disapproval. Both his parents ordered glasses of chardonnay. He didn’t have anything, because it made life easier. His mother would use even one drink against him. He didn’t want to give her ammunition.
What happened next felt more like an interview or an interrogation than a conversation as his mother bombarded Nell with questions. Do you like New York? Do you enjoy school? What subjects are they teaching you? Do you miss London? Do you like living with your uncle Esa? Esa interjected a few times, trying to steer the conversation in a more casual direction, but his mother always circled back to Nell. Being Nell, she was unfailingly polite, but there was no mistaking her increasing anxiety.
“Mum, don’t you think you’ve bombarded her with enough questions?” Esa said, trying to keep the tone light.
“I’m just making sure my granddaughter is doing well,” she returned pointedly.
“I am,” said Nell.
Esa looked down at the table, suppressing a smile. Way to go. That was pure Danika.
His mother’s smile was strained. “One more question, Nell,” she said, trying to sound friendly.
“Okay.”
“Do you like living with your uncle more than you liked living with Leslie?”
You bitch, Esa thought, putting a kid on the spot like that. Nell’s bravado melted; now she was looking at him haplessly, the same way she had when she’d first come to him, as if she wasn’t sure how to answer.
“It’s okay,” Esa murmured. “You can always tell the truth.”
“I like living with Uncle Esa more, I think, because Aunt Leslie traveled a lot, and Michelle, my nanny, is always home with me.”
“Satisfied?” Esa asked his mother in Finnish.
Nell asked to be excused to use the restroom.
“What the hell are you doing?” Esa snapped at his mother. “Asking her something like that? She’s a little girl!”
“I want to make sure she’s happy.”
“Happy, or well cared for?” Esa shot back. “Because as you can see, she’s both.”
His mother was silent for a while. Eventually, she gave a small nod of approval, nothing more. Typical.
Esa looked at his father. “Do you want to weigh in on this?”
“Nell seems happy,” he concurred.
“Not that you’d know about happy children,” Esa said in a stage whisper.
“What’s that?” his father asked sharply.
“You heard me.”
“What’s going on with the Blades re-signing you?” his father asked, ignoring the barb.
Esa had successfully put the issue out of his mind for a few days, but he knew it would be back as soon as he and Nell returned to New York. He knew management was going to drag it out as long as they could, they always did, but he could have done without the additional pressure. His teammates had already mentioned it was starting to creep into the back of their minds.
He took a sip of water. “They’ll drag it out until the last minute.”
His father nodded. “Not unusual.”
“No.”
“You’re still valuable to them,” his father continued. “All you have to do—”
“I know what I have to do,” Esa cut in, retreating immediately into guilt. His father had never really stopped “coaching” him. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t let it go. Esa knew his father just wanted him to succeed, but it was hard sometimes, because it often seemed that his father was assuming some kind of lack of intelligence on his part.
“Don’t worry, Dad, okay?” he reassured him. “I have one of the top agents in the business. He’s not going to let me fall on my face.”
His father nodded, placated for now. As for his mother, she’d been
studying him as if he were a specimen under a microscope.
“I’ve been wondering if you’ve really changed. It must be so. I’m sure the nanny must have a hand in it. No nanny worth her salt would let you carry on the way you were and have a little girl in your care.”
“That’s right.” Esa smiled to himself. Michelle was head of the household, not him. In the beginning, it had made him furious. Now, he saw it was necessary for Nell’s well-being. It hadn’t been an easy pill to swallow, but he’d known he had to do it, and he had, only to discover it wasn’t that emasculating. Maybe because when it came to the sexual side of things, he still ruled.
“Where’s this nanny Nell loves so much?” her mother asked.
“She had to rush back to New York. Her father had a heart attack.”
“Are you taking Nell to see Leslie?”
“It’s up to Nell. I think there’s part of her that doesn’t want to. She feels betrayed and angry at being handed off to me. And I think she feels it would somehow be disloyal to Michelle, which we’ve both told her is silly. She and Leslie talk on the phone a lot, but when push comes to shove, now that Nell lives in Manhattan, I don’t know if she wants to go back to where she used to live.”
His mother lifted an eyebrow, pursing her lips in surprise. “Very psychologically astute. That’s also something new.”
“That’s not me; that’s Michelle. She used to be a teacher. She knows a lot about kids.”
Her mother straightened her silverware, not looking at him. “Does Nell ever talk about Danika?”
His sister, the ghost at the table. Esa was surprised his mother had brought her up at all. It was such a painful, emotional subject, and his family didn’t do emotions particularly well. He wanted to ask, “Do you miss her?” but he knew the reaction he’d get: silence, as if the answer were either self-evident or none of his business. If she were feeling generous, or expansive, he might get a curt, “Yes, of course,” and then the topic would be closed.
“She’s said a few things to Michelle. Michelle also lost her mother at a young age, so it’s easier for Nell to open up to her about it. They share that bond.”
“Mmm.” There was a long pause, then his mother looked up. “Perhaps our only grandchild can spend a few weeks with us in Finland this summer?” she asked coolly.
Esa deflected. “Let’s talk about it in the spring.”
His mother frowned but didn’t argue, at least for now.
Out of the corner of his eye, Esa spotted Nell emerging from the ladies room. “Let’s try to enjoy the rest of dinner, okay? For Nell’s sake.”
42
“I can’t live here full time right now. I have to help take care of my dad.”
Michelle waited until Esa and Nell had been back from London a few days before discussing this new development with Esa. She’d been dreading it, because she knew he’d give her the look she was getting right now: confusion. He’d looked bewildered by her tepid reaction to the big hug and kiss he gave her when he returned. But then his expression turned worried and he said, “You look so exhausted.” It made Michelle feel guilty. Granted, she was emotionally drained from the situation with her father, but that was only a small part of why she wasn’t greeting him like a woman thrilled with her lover’s return.
She’d had to wall off her emotions when Nell saw her and practically jumped into her arms. Nell was so excited she launched into a rapid-fire description of what Michelle had missed by leaving London early. She became anxious when she asked about Michelle’s dad, but Michelle assured her that he was fine, and that Nell could visit as soon as he was up to it.
Luckily, Nell was itchy to get to one of the myriad books she’d bought in London. She said her good-byes and headed off to her room to curl up on her bed to read.
Michelle sat down on the couch, tucking her legs beneath her, then changed her mind. Tucking them under her was her “hanging out” pose. It was the way she sat when the three of them watched TV or movies together, and she worried that sitting that way now made it look like she was settling in for the night when she wasn’t. Esa was observant, his gaze quizzical as he sat beside her. Michelle looked away, squinting her eyes as if she were trying to see if the plants in the window were in need of watering. It gave her a few seconds to compose herself. The last thing she wanted was to kick off the conversation by crying.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
Michelle turned back to Esa, guilt shoving at her insides like a bully. “It’s like I said. My dad will be home in a few days, and he needs me to help take care of him.”
Esa’s brows knit together in complete and utter confusion. “Michelle—”
“On the mornings you have to be at practice early, I swear I will be here to get Nell off to school,” she promised. “And on the days you have home games and have to leave early for Met Gar, I’ll pick her up from school. I’ll try to be here as much as I can. But I can’t live in. Not right now.”
Esa pressed his lips together. “I still don’t understand.”
“What don’t you understand?”
“Your brother lives with your father, right?”
“My brother has a job, Esa.”
“So do you.”
She resisted the urge to say, “So when it suits you, I’m just an employee,” and instead said, “He’s going to help out as much as he can by trying to get as many shifts as he can, to make as much money as he can. That’ll be his way of helping my dad. My father’s insurance coverage is laughable. He’s already been in the hospital for three days, and they’re keeping him for at least three more because he’s developed a bad cold. Tomorrow he starts having to pay out of pocket.”
Esa shook his head disdainfully. “Insane. This country needs socialized medicine, like in Finland.”
“I know it’s insane. But these are the same bastards who tried to deny health care coverage to firefighters who got cancer after nine eleven,” Michelle said bitterly, thinking about two good friends of her brother’s, survivors of the Twin Towers, who had died from cancer before they were forty.
“Anyway,” she continued, “my dad really doesn’t have the money, but my brother and I can help defray the costs. I have some money saved, so that’ll help as well.”
Esa reached for Michelle’s hand and squeezed it. She knew from the look of compassion spreading across his face what he was thinking.
“No,” she said.
“You don’t even know what I was thinking!”
“Yes, I do. And the answer is no. No help from you. It has to come from me. I owe him.” She longed to twine her fingers through his, hold on tight, but she wouldn’t let herself. She gently slid her hand out from under his.
His voice was steady. “You owe him how?”
Try as she might, Michelle couldn’t hold back tears. “You and I caused his heart attack. He was fine and then he found out about us, and—”
She looked down at her lap, screwing her eyes shut tight.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Esa sounded angry. “He said this to you?”
“No—”
“Who, then? Your fucking brother, trying to make you feel guilty?”
“I do feel guilty,” Michelle whispered. “That’s the whole point!”
“Oh my God.” Esa covered his face with his hands for a moment. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this. How often have you told me your father never took care of himself?”
“Look at the timing, Esa. He was extremely upset when he walked out of here Christmas night. Finding out about us put him over the edge.”
“You’re exhausted and overwrought right now, and it’s making you irrational. Something terrible has happened to your father, and you can’t bear to blame him, so you’re blaming us. And your shit of a brother is fanning the flames.”
Michelle scowled at him. “You’re not helping.”
Esa looked frustrated. “What do you expect me to do, Michelle? Listen to you talk this craziness and just accept it?�
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“You could try to be more supportive.”
“How can I support something ridiculous?”
“Because I’m asking you to!” She swallowed. “For me.”
“Fine,” Esa said, exasperated. “For you. Anything else?”
“I can’t see you anymore,” Michelle whispered. “It’ll stress him out, and it’ll stress me out, worrying about trying to take care of him, Nell, and balance a relationship with you. I can’t.”
“I don’t fucking believe this. I really don’t.” Esa stood up then, and began to pace. Michelle could have sworn his lips were moving, that he was talking to himself, trying to figure things out. Finally, he planted himself right in front of her. “So you think we can go back to the way things were? Employer and employee. Sexual tension. Look, but don’t touch. You think that can work?”
“It’s just the way it has to be right now.”
Esa shook his head, incredulous. “I find this amazing, that you, the strongest woman I know, is letting someone else dictate how she lives her life.”
Michelle glared at him. “He’s my father, Esa. And if that’s the way it has to be for him to get better, then I’ll do it.”
“Right. Let’s follow this through. Let’s assume he gets better. Then what? We resume a relationship?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
Esa frowned. “Don’t delude yourself. You and I both know it won’t happen. Your father and brother will convince you it’ll set off another heart attack.”
Michelle felt as if someone had put burning coals to both her cheeks. “That’s not true.”
Esa snorted derisively. “Yes, it is.” His gaze traveled down the white hallway leading to the bedrooms. “Have you thought about the impact all of this will have on Nell? I don’t think so.”
“That’s not fair.” Michelle’s hands knotted tightly in her lap. “I’m going to explain it to her so she knows I’m not in any way abandoning her, and I’m going to make it clear to her that I’ll be back living here full-time as soon as I can. I’m not disappearing from her life, Esa. You know that.”
“Just turning it upside down.”
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