I place my hand on his cheek, unable to hold back with the way he looks. It hurts to see him like this, because I know we would’ve been a happy family, never regretting a thing. “But you’re right. You were fifteen. What could you have done? The truth is, had I gone to jail, I’m not sure it would have turned out differently. Maybe my parents would have gotten him until you could legally make your own decisions, or maybe you would have ran away, but then what? What would his life look like? You would have been a teenage mother. What if he had ended up in the system over the fight? God. How do you know they didn’t change his name?”
“Because it was the only thing my father did give me. He said it was part of the adoption agreement, legally, somehow. He gave me his word.” More tears fall. “He’s the biggest prick on the planet, but he doesn’t lie. I made sure he had a part of you, so that if he ever comes to find us, he’ll know we loved him. Even though I couldn’t keep him, I wanted him. For what it’s worth, I sometimes wish I had been knocked out for the whole thing, because then I wouldn’t know what I was missing.” I shrug, my lips quivering. “But I held him, even after my dad told me not to because I’d get attached. I was holding our love in my arms. He was beautiful. He looked at me, gripping onto my finger, and then I just let him go. At least you don’t have to live with that.”
He tilts his head, his eyes so watery and constantly releasing new tears, just like mine. “Gab, fuck.” He picks me up, letting me wrap my arms and legs around him tight, already kissing me so that I don’t have to worry about him turning away. “I hate your dad.”
“Welcome to the club. But a part of me still loves him too. It’s a miserable place to exist. He’s my dad, and at the end of the day, I really believe in some warped way I don’t pretend to understand, he thinks he did what was best for him. The biggest question is, can you still love me?”
He finally smiles a little. It’s like a rainbow after a flood. “I can’t stop. I’m getting an attorney, Gabby. In good conscience, I can’t just exist in a world knowing I have a son somewhere. You can support me or not. At the very least I want to see where he is and who’s raising him. Worst comes to worst for me—he has a good life and I don’t have the heart to rip him out of it. If that’s the case, I’ll love him enough to let him go. I just want what’s best for him. But you—you’re the one thing I can’t cut loose, regardless of how hard I try.”
I smile through my tears. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
Seventeen
Maddox
I sit at my drum set on my throne in the basement, rock music playing through the Bluetooth speaker in the corner of the room from my phone’s playlist, staring straight down in front of me at the small, square, velvet box sitting on top of my floor Tom to the right. Drumsticks in my hands, I air play to the song, playing by ear. My foot taps against the pedal to my kick drum each time I should hit it, nervous energy buzzing through my body. It’s always been something I do when I’m in my head. I taught myself how to play by ear once I learned how to play the drums. I used to put a song on repeat until I had it down to the point I could play alongside it without sheet music.
Footsteps strike against the stairs as someone comes down them. I never look up. “The girls are worried about you. You barely speak to them. It’s been almost two weeks. All you do is go to work when Konnor leaves for school, and then both of you come home from a job site at the same time, before you lock yourself in a room with Gabby or drink away your sorrows if she’s not here. Something’s gotta give, Maddox.”
I place one drumstick in the hand with the other and pick up my beer from the stage floor, taking a drink to prove a point, and quickly finishing it off. It’s close to being hot. “Like you would understand. Come February, you’ll be holding your kid. When you tell people you have a daughter you can pull out your wallet and show them a photo or introduce her from where she’s standing beside you. The day you’re in my shoes, wondering what she looks or acts like because someone else is raising her only God knows where, then fucking say something to me. I have to live in the nightmare that I knocked up the girl I knew would be the only one to have my kids when she was fourteen, and then left her while she carried him and gave birth to him alone, before he was ripped out of her arms.” I laugh viciously. “I was probably balls deep in a pussy somewhere, trying my damnedest to let her go.” Konnor walks down the stairs holding two capped beers in his hand. I nod toward him at Riggan. “He’s the only one here who might have a damn clue what it’s like,” I bite.
“Rig,” Konnor says, walking toward the stage, despite the fact things haven’t been as easy between us since the night he kissed Gabby. “I got it this time. Can you start the grill?”
Riggan takes a deep breath, his eyes glued to mine, making me feel shitty, because I know deep down he’s trying to help. We’ve been best friends near ‘bout our whole lives. He knows me and I know him. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin. And when you have that kind of history with someone, you hurt if they hurt and vice versa, but I can’t pretend I’m not a little bitter that he’s getting his and I can’t have mine, even though I hate myself for it, because I also know he deserves it.
He holds up his hands, taking a step back. “We aren’t through,” is all he says, and then starts walking back up the stairs.
Konnor sits on the edge of the stage and holds up a silver bullet. “Come sit. I’ll even drink your bitch beer with you.”
I laugh for the first time all day, swiping up the box off my drum and moving to the stage edge, grabbing it, and then sit down beside him. I twist off the cap with my forearm, my hand occupied with the small box. Men and their beer of choice, while everything else is watered down horse piss and you’re not a real man until you give your friends shit about drinking the wrong one, defending what you think is the best. He prefers Bud Light. I prefer Coors. Riggan will drink most anything, but if you send him to the store, he’s bringing back Miller Lite or Michelob Ultra. Our refrigerators here often look like a gas station beer cooler. He must have made a beer run, because the one down here is empty.
We sit silently, taking in the large basement with tons of room you can’t see from here on the opposite side of the sitting space and kitchenette that we aren’t even using, each drinking at opposite times. It could easily be an apartment down here. “What I did with Gabby was shitty. I’m sorry. It’s never been like that with us, Maddox, and that was long before I knew you, or that either of you were tied together. She’s always just been my friend. I knew it was a bad idea when Presley came up with it. I shouldn’t have crossed that line, even as a joke. God knows I would have come at you too. That’s why I didn’t fight back. I was prepared to take a hit the second I touched her.”
I inhale respect as I take another sip. “She told me, but thanks. I appreciate it. I’m an animal where Gabby is concerned. I always have been. We have to be one hundred percent together or not involved with each other at all. There is no in-between. I can’t function thinking about her with someone else, let alone seeing it. I’m trying to accept she can be friends with you without you being a threat to me, even though I know what your relationship is with Presley. I’m working on toning it down with people in the house. Just give me a head start.”
Then I hand him the box. He sets his beer down, looking at me as he takes it and opens the top. “Damn, boy, that’s a rock. You trying to make me look bad to my wife? This one is like double the size of hers. I know I’m paying you as high as my dad will allow, but do you have a hidden diamond mine somewhere, because hers wasn’t cheap?”
I chuckle. “I’ve been working since I was sixteen. Me and Riggan and Landon pretty much knew we weren’t going to college. Saving money is the one thing I know how to do. I know how to buy shit for cheap and re-sell it for a profit. It’s something my dad taught me growing up. That’s why we have our camp on the Jourdan River. He bought it cheap after the hurricane demolished close to everything and we completely remodeled it. All of t
hose houses flooded, even being raised. Those lots and houses are worth a hell of a lot more now. You never buy something if you can’t turn around and sell it for more than you paid for it.”
I look at the large round diamond surrounded with smaller ones that I bought one day last week after work. It had to be sized. Picked it up earlier today. When I walked into the jewelry store the sales lady took me to the section of smaller diamonds. Felt good to blow her fucking mind over my budget. “Would you believe me if I told you I’ve been saving for her ring since I was seventeen? When I sold my old truck I put all of that money with it too. Even when I thought we may never get back together I kept putting money in it, just in case.”
He closes the box and hands it back to me. “I wouldn’t have before Gabby came into the picture. I would now.”
I rub my thumb over the top of the box. I still don’t know how the hell I’m going to ask her. “Right after I knew she was the girl I was going to marry I opened up a separate savings account. When I got to know more about her background, I knew it’d have to be impressive to get her dad’s approval. My dad helped me find a bank that would build the most interest over time. Ended up being at the bank Riggan’s mom works at, which made the purchase a hell of a lot easier for me. I told him some bullshit about it being to prepare for a down payment on a house after I graduated and decided to move out or got married—whichever came first. I was planning to put a ring on her the second she graduated high school. I didn’t know things would get so fucked up.”
“He sounds like a real piece of work just from what she’s told me before, which I still feel stupid over. I don’t know how I never linked the Maddox she mentioned with you after we met. I guess you two were just never on my mind at the same time. I didn’t have a clue about the other stuff, though. I’m sorry.”
I take another swig of beer. “Adonis Thanos—asshole is too nice of a description for her dad. He’s used to having power. He comes from a long line of powerful families in Greece. Her great grandparents moved here when her grandfather was a kid. They’ve always had money. Her father was born here. Her grandparents moved back to Greece when her grandfather retired.” I start picking at the label on my beer bottle. “You know what her last name means? Immortal. The fucking irony.”
He looks at me, clearly confused. “Gabby said her last name was Holland.”
I shut my mouth, trying hard not to laugh. God, I love her. Bet he hates he can’t bend her to his will. I’ve never met anyone like her. She turns his own traits against him. I shake my head. “No. Holland is her mother’s maiden name. I never met her. She took off with some guy when Gabby was just a kid. She was some American princess type. Arranged marriage to unite power with power to create more money and power. Her name is Gabrielle Katerina Thanos, Gabby for short. He will never call her Gabby.”
“So what’s his beef with you now? She’s not a kid anymore.”
“He’s hated me since he found out about us. I’m a backwoods country boy from a middle-class family. I’m a logger’s son. I’m uneducated. I bring nothing to his table. He tried to say I stole her innocence. Brainwashed her into sleeping with me. She was too young to know what she was doing.” I laugh, though it’s hardly in humor, remembering the night I met her in my truck when she straddled my lap not long after I got parked. “Sex the first time was her idea. It didn’t even cross my mind to try to get into her pants the first time she was in my truck. My parents taught me better than that.” I smirk at him. “I figured I’d have to call her first.”
Konnor laughs, bumping his fist with mine. We settle into a comfortable silence, the mood a little lighter. “She lie about her age?”
“No. I never asked. She was at a rock concert without adult supervision. I just assumed she was at least fifteen or sixteen. My parents didn’t let me start going places alone until I could drive there myself when I got my intermediate license six months after I turned fifteen. It sounds stupid but we just never talked about shit like that. Gabby has always been mature for her age, I guess. We talked about stuff that mattered, which is why I fell so fast. I don’t know how to explain it. I went to a huge public school. It was easy to pass people in the hall and not know who they were. She went to a private school across town. We were together here and there through the rest of that school year, but mostly talked on the phone, and then all through the summer we were together—just me and her. Once school let out her dad didn’t give a shit what she did. She knew just the right friends to tell him she was with for him to not ask questions. She always found a way to meet up when I wanted to, like she had no social restrictions, so it never occurred to me question it. When football season started my senior year, I invited her to a game. She was going to meet me there. When I found her, she was talking to this entire group of girls I knew was in seventh and eighth grade. Juniors and seniors didn’t hang out with them. You stayed with the high school crowd. I pointed Gabby out to a freshman I knew had a lot of friends at her school, playing it off like I was curious. He was a transfer. He told me to leave her the fuck alone for more reasons than her age. Her dad has a reputation. Congratulations to me. I was screwing a thirteen-year-old. Freaked the fuck out that I’d get a bad rep for being the senior fucking the middle schooler. Statutory rape wasn’t even on my radar at that point since neither of us had aged up yet.”
I breathe out heavily, remembering it like it was yesterday. “So what happened?”
I smile. “Walked right past her like I didn’t know her. Told her it was over through a text and stormed out to my truck. She was on my dick before I could back out of the parking spot. She has me by the balls, bro. I can’t let her go. I’m done trying. I love that crazy-ass bitch. I’m ready to fucking finish it. I’m tired of people trying to take her from me. I want to own her in writing. I’m not even mad I knocked her up, even though it’d break my parents’ hearts. It probably would have happened at some point anyway.”
The air is getting thicker. “But?”
“But my heart is broken. I grew up in church. I was raised in a conservative family where you take care of your obligations and work hard for everything you have. You reap what you sow. You don’t get off easy when you do wrong. My parents made me pray at the table before meals. Reading my bible for at least ten minutes a day was a requirement. I was taught to respect girls. To repent for your sins. To be obedient. That sex before marriage was wrong, which meant hiding it when you were doing it anyway so they wouldn’t find out. I wasn’t raised to view my sperm as a bodily fluid. Every one is a damn kid. You’ll never see me donate to a sperm bank. Even when we were apart, I tried to be responsible when I was sleeping around. I wore trusted brands of condoms with spermicide and still pulled out to avoid the very thing I’m dealing with—having a kid in the world I don’t know. A baby with her was supposed to be a good thing. When you create a baby with someone you love, you raise it. My parents are going to lose their shit, but I’m going to have to tell them at some point. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? Gabby is about to be twenty-one, me twenty-five. Do you know how hard it is to wrap your mind around having an almost six-year-old without going through the rest of it?”
“No, but I understand what it feels like to find out about it when it’s already gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. I know what it’s like to look at the girl you’re in love with and know she’s been hiding the fact that you were supposed to be a father from you. I went through the hatred of a parent taking your option to choose away by forcing her hand through putting stuff in her head. I also know what it’s like to live with the daily guilt that had you made different choices, like being there for her, maybe things would have turned out differently and that baby would be yours.”
I look at him, both of our eyes a little glossy. “I think that’s the worst part. What if I had just stayed? I was a stupid kid, scared out of my mind and losing the one thing I didn’t want to lose at the same time. My parents kept drilling in my head how much prison would ruin m
y life. But to me, walking away from everything that made me happy ruined it too. Looking at it with a more mature mind, I can’t help but think, what if he was bluffing? And even if he wasn’t, could we have proven it was consensual and somehow been happy? Nine months’ worth of nights I laid there, thinking about her and miserable, considering going back, but I didn’t. Had I given in any of those nights, I could have at least tried to save my son; to keep him from growing up without the people that created him.”
“Do you want to live like that, though? Living with a mind full of ‘what ifs’ while you’re letting your life pass you by? We’re human. We make mistakes. We do stupid shit. We let our emotions and fear stand in our way. You know how I live with it?”
I rub her name on my wrist. It’s as much a habit for me as Riggan playing with his lip ring. “How?”
“That baby will never know what we did to it. In the beginning, it made me sick to think that a doctor scraped out our baby while it was alive, or did something to it to stop its heart first—fuck, I don’t even really want to know the details—and she just laid there without so much as a phone call. But like you, I was raised to believe in a higher power; one that takes away pain and suffering. I believe there is a God that makes up for when we act like idiots, and I’d like to think my baby is sitting up there in Heaven happy. That’s how I keep the guilt from drowning me, because had I not propositioned Gabby to help me hurt Presley, and had I not been scared to get cheated on again, I would have helped her make the decision to keep it. But we didn’t know, you know? At least Gabby had enough strength to bring him into the world despite her being alone, and then let him go. She gave him life. What if he gave a really good couple the opportunity to be parents? You have to find the good, Maddox, or you’ll get lost in the bad.”
I open the box and look at the diamond ring nestled in the opening. “That’s the part you hold onto,” he says. “That you love her despite the hardships you’ve faced together. You’ll be a stronger couple in the end.”
Finding Fate Page 12
