He was still half on top of me. He was still inside me.
His arm tightened around my waist in sleep and my heartbeat surged.
I sighed a ragged sigh, sinking deeper into the bed, willing my pulse to slow, my breaths to calm, my body to relax into sleep.
I stroked the silken hair at his temple, brushing back a wayward curl, watching him sleep from beneath my half-mast eyelids. I couldn’t look away, couldn’t quite close them just yet.
And, yeah. In that moment, I knew it.
There was no point denying it to myself anymore.
I was in love with Jesse Mayes.
CHAPTER 30
KATIE
“They’re not back yet?”
I stood in the doorway looking in at the empty hotel room. I hadn’t seen Jesse since he took off that morning with Jude.
“I’ll track them down,” Flynn said behind me.
I walked into the room and dropped my bags on the bed. I’d been at the beach, then doing a little shopping to kill the time… but I was really hoping I’d get to see more of Jesse today.
It was my birthday, after all.
We’d been in L.A. for four days and something weird was going on.
On the surface everything was fine. Things had been pretty epic, actually, from about the moment Jesse and I started sleeping together. Then somewhere around Vegas things took a sharp turn. I kept hearing him on the phone with someone, a female someone, semi-arguing. And his mood took a nose-dive. But he never mentioned it to me and I was way too scared to ask.
Because apparently, just when I thought things could hardly get any better between us—other than that pesky little problem of him not being in love with me—they got totally worse.
A lot worse.
The closer we got to L.A., the worse it got. Jesse got all broody and withdrawn. He took to spending more time alone with his guitar. He always had a smile for me and the sex was still phenomenal, but something was deeply wrong and I was about one more of those far-off, distracted looks in his eyes from becoming a total wreck.
In desperation, I’d even started hoping he might say something in his sleep to give me a hint at what was going on in his gorgeous head, but I hadn’t heard anything beyond a bit of mumbling. And I’d had a lot of sleepless nights to eavesdrop.
“He’s still in a meeting,” Flynn reported, after texting Jude. “He’ll meet you at the restaurant for dinner at eight. Still lots of time to make it to the show.”
Shit. He was running late. On my birthday.
He’d already played two sold-out concerts in L.A. and tonight we were going to see Zane’s side project band, Wet Blanket, play at a club. I’d been so looking forward to this night, because I was dying for more downtime with Jesse. He’d been busier than ever—at least, too busy for me—and even though we’d been “being seen” every night, as usual, at some club or restaurant or party, I didn’t feel like I’d really seen him in over a week.
“Okay,” I told Flynn, resigned. “I guess just knock on my door when you’re ready to go.” I tried to sound normal and not like my life was crumbling around me.
“We should head out at seven-thirty.”
“Great.”
Flynn left and I flopped onto the bed.
Fuck me.
What the fuck was going on?
L.A. had been amazing, other than this. For a surprise birthday present, Jesse had flown my sister and her family down when we first arrived. We’d had a ton of fun sightseeing and taking the kids to the beach, but they’d flown home last night; had to get back to work. They rarely went on holiday because of the coffee bar, so I was super grateful Jesse had managed to pull this together… but I also couldn’t help wondering if he’d done it partly to keep me distracted.
I’d heard him on the phone again this morning, and he was definitely talking to a woman.
Elle hadn’t shown up at his shows, so I still didn’t know if that’s what the argument was about. But I’d put money on the fact that he was talking to her, and whatever they were talking about, it wasn’t good.
I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it. Ignore it? Resign myself to the fact that I was losing him? Correction, had never had him in the first place. So if he wanted her back, or had some sort of unresolved shit to work through with her, who was I to say anything?
Or did I say something? Did I fight for him? Take a chance and tell him how I felt? Grab this situation by the balls and let the consequences be what they may?
At least then I would’ve tried.
Not like I was getting many more chances.
This was the last week of the tour. Which meant in one week Jesse and I were supposed to just… say goodbye?
I’d go home to Vancouver and he’d go… wherever Jesse Mayes went? All over the place, probably, writing and recording the next Dirty album and touring the world, and far the hell away from me. Soon enough I’d be out of sight, out of mind.
But not to worry. There’d be lineups of warm female bodies just waiting to take my place.
Fuck. Just fuck.
I rolled over and mashed my face into the pillow, trying really hard not to throw up.
Was that why he was pulling away? Was it going to be hard for him to say goodbye too?
Or was he so wrapped up with Elle he wasn’t even thinking about it?
That thought was just too painful to consider.
When I heard him on the phone this morning, all I could think was, He’s talking to her. She’s putting that brooding look on his face.
And if he still had feelings for her, I really shouldn’t be here at all. If that was the case, I didn’t want to be here.
I just didn’t know how to do this… this incredibly slow, agonizing letting go of someone I didn’t want to let go of at all. I didn’t want to say goodbye to what we had. Why would I? If this was a real relationship it would be perfect.
At least, before Elle came back into the picture.
Though maybe she’d never actually left the picture. I mean, if nothing else, they were still in a band together. Not like he wasn’t ever going to see her again, like a lot.
And this wasn’t a real relationship. It wasn’t even a relationship. It was a business deal. With a time limit on it. A time limit that I, myself, had insisted on.
Like an idiot.
In my most desperate moments, like right now, I considered running away. Just quitting this fucked-up job, leaving the tour and going home. I knew I risked just getting more and more attached to Jesse the longer I stayed, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I didn’t know how I’d survive being left by him, but I still couldn’t leave.
Maybe I just needed more time to figure out how to tell him how I really felt.
Maybe I would never tell him at all.
I just didn’t know yet.
I called my sister and made her put Max on the phone, just so I could hear my dog and know I still had a home and a family who would welcome me back at the end of this fucked-up-edness with open arms.
Then I called Devi to vent. As usual, she said all the right things. The things I knew were right as soon as I heard them. She said he was the world’s biggest asshole if he hurt me. But she also said I didn’t really know how he felt, so to stop torturing myself over the worst case scenario.
“How is he treating you?” she asked me, like she did every time we spoke.
“Good, I guess.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“I don’t know. I mean, obviously we have wicked sexual chemistry. And he seems to like having me around.”
“Of course he does. Because you’re awesome.” Leave it to a best friend to point that out. “What else?”
“He laughs at my jokes.”
“Because your jokes are fucking funny.”
And on and on we went, until I was feeling somewhat better about things, and super confident that Devi definitely loved me. Which went a long way to cheering me up.
&nb
sp; When we got off the phone it was six o’clock and I was still no closer to knowing how to proceed with Jesse. We were supposed to meet at six; at least, before he decided to keep doing whatever he was doing and meet me late.
On my birthday.
I dragged myself up from the fetal position and thought about that.
We’d had dinner plans. Birthday dinner plans. And now I was supposed to sit here by myself waiting until he said it was time to meet him, while he hung out with Elle… or whatever the fuck he was doing?
To hell with that.
I got dressed in the super hot halter dress I’d picked out to wear tonight, got myself date-with-a-rock-star ready, and texted Flynn to meet me in the lobby.
“Where is Jesse?” I crossed the lobby toward him; he was already waiting for me.
“In a meeting,” he said.
“Where?”
“At the restaurant.”
“What restaurant?” I stared at him. “The restaurant? Like the one where we’re having dinner tonight?”
“Yes.”
I digested that. I’d picked the restaurant myself based on Maggie’s recommendation, and she’d worked her magic to get us a table on short notice. And now he was using it for his pre-dinner date with his ex or whoever?
“Is he with Elle?”
Flynn cocked his head a little, maybe surprised by the question, processing it. He didn’t say anything for a really long time.
“I don’t think so, Katie.”
His tone said he knew so, but I didn’t fully buy it. I didn’t particularly buy anything Jesse’s staff told me, because who was to say they didn’t lie to cover for him on a daily basis? Surely they’d done it with his groupies, maybe they’d done it with other women he’d dated, and maybe they’d done it with me.
“Take me there,” I said.
He hesitated. “We’re not supposed to be there until eight.”
“You can take me or I can take a cab, but either way, I’m going now.”
Flynn drove. I sat in the backseat, a nervous wreck, trying to figure out what I’d say to Jesse if I found him with Elle. I kept picturing all the glamorous images I’d seen of her on magazine covers and wondering what she’d look like in person. Wondering how I’d keep my dignity when it became clear to all that she was now with Jesse, again, and I wasn’t. Or, maybe she wasn’t, but I definitely never had been.
Maybe this was for the best, in a warped way. Maybe this was what I needed. Something definitive to help me digest the fact that Jesse wasn’t mine and was never going to be.
So he liked to fuck.
He liked having fun with me.
We got along well.
Those three facts did not equal a promise of future fidelity and happiness. Not when the guy in the situation had no interest in a future, or even having a girlfriend in general.
But how much longer could I pretend to Jesse that I was faking being in love, while the world got to see the truth, that I actually was in love? And when would it become obvious to him that I wasn’t faking?
As we neared the restaurant, I started feeling nauseous. I hated confrontations, and I honestly didn’t want one. I just had to see. I had to know. I couldn’t stand this waiting anymore, and clearly he was never going to tell me what the hell had been making him all broody and withdrawn.
And I just couldn’t stand to be made a fool of all over again.
That humiliating day at the altar had been more or less put to bed, but I didn’t need to live through that shit again. Once was enough for a lifetime. Not that Jesse was leaving me at the altar; he hadn’t told me he loved me or that he wanted a real relationship with me, much less proposed. But he was supposed to be with me, in the public eye, and if he was with another woman at the restaurant it might even be on the internet already.
I probably could’ve just gone online to find out who he was with. That thought almost made me laugh out loud. If it wasn’t so fucking depressing.
As Flynn spoke with the valet, I went straight into the restaurant. I didn’t wait my turn in line or pause to speak with the hostess. I spotted Jude up at the bar right away, and walked toward him. He started to get up but I didn’t wait for him either. I knew where Jesse would be. Somewhere tucked away in the back, in Jude’s line of sight.
I found him in a booth in the back corner of the restaurant. He was facing me and his companion had her back to me—and yes, it was a woman. Though it wasn’t Elle. Elle was a platinum blonde; this woman had brown hair. It cascaded down her bare back in soft waves, over the low-slung back of her dress. My heart sank through my guts, because she was a knockout. I could tell that much without even seeing her face. Tall, slim and curvy, with mile-long legs.
I stopped dead. Because really, wasn’t that about all I came to see? Did I need to see any more?
I hovered in the middle of the aisle, not sure what to do. On the one hand, Jesse would know I was coming. Flynn would’ve texted Jude, and Jude would’ve told Jesse. On the other hand, maybe I could slip out now and hop in a cab and just get the hell out of here without having to face him and his secret date. I started to seriously consider turning around and doing just that.
Which was when he looked up and saw me.
“Katie.” I barely heard it over the din of the restaurant but I saw his lips move as he said my name. He stood as I approached, and the brunette turned to me.
And yes, she was gorgeous. Like drop-dead gorgeous. She looked like a model. Actually, she looked like—
“Katie, this is my sister,” Jesse said, reaching for my hand, “Jessa.”
CHAPTER 31
KATIE
Jesse pulled me in for a quick kiss, then said, “Jessa, this is Katie.”
Jessa Mayes smiled and stood to greet me. “Katie! So nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many lovely things.”
I wanted to say the same about her, but Jesse rarely said a word about her. All I knew was that he’d wanted to meet up with her in New York, but she’d bailed on him, and he’d hoped to see her again in L.A…. Though when I didn’t hear another word about it I’d just assumed it wasn’t happening.
Which made me the biggest idiot in the world. Because all those tense phone calls… were with his sister.
Not with Elle.
Jesse had wanted to see his sister, really fucking badly, apparently, and here she was. And I was intruding.
“It’s… um… nice to meet you, too,” I stammered, blushing fiercely. “I’m sorry to barge in like this.” I gave Jesse a pointed look that I hoped conveyed an incredibly frustrated, You really could have told me. “We were supposed to have dinner.”
“We’re just having a drink,” Jessa said, pulling me into the booth with her. “You’ll just have to join us. I’ll head out soon and you can have your dinner.”
“You could stay,” Jesse said to her, sitting across from us. “You don’t have to rush off.” And there was something unnerving in his tone, some kind of vulnerability bordering on desperation, that I’d never heard from him before. “We weren’t having dinner until eight or so.”
“Actually,” I put in, “why don’t we just order now? Then Jessa can eat with us.” Because clearly he really wanted her to stay.
After some mild protests on her part, Jessa finally agreed to stay, and over the course of dinner I discovered that Jessa Mayes was not only gorgeous, but sweet, smart, and charming. She might’ve been born with Jesse’s dark hair, but she now had honey-blond highlights, which set off her slight California tan. She had Jesse’s dark eyes and his full lips, and sometimes, his hearty laugh.
There wasn’t a thing about her not to like.
Somehow, by the end of dinner I’d convinced her to come to the club with us afterward, to see Zane’s band. I could tell Jesse was happy she was coming, though it felt like the entire evening the two of them were in some kind of unspoken argument right in front of me; about what, I had no idea. Every time I caught Jesse’s eye, the corner of his mouth curled in a slight sm
ile or he’d wink or squeeze my hand, reassuring me that everything was fine. But it didn’t feel fine.
It felt far from fine.
I didn’t know Jessa to be able to read her, but there was tension in the air. She smiled at me a lot and even seemed to be getting pumped for the show in the ride over to the club, but I didn’t fully buy it.
It seemed to me that for such a beautiful woman, Jessa Mayes was missing a spark.
I doubted many people would notice it. She was so pretty that I’m sure a lot of people, especially men, only got that far. But if you looked beyond that, it was there. A kind of flatness in her dark eyes. Something closed off or broken down, meant to keep you the hell out.
I was sure Jesse knew it was there. I was pretty sure, by the time we got to the club and Jude led us in through the back door, that it was the reason for Jesse’s unease.
But I didn’t want to pry and I didn’t want to ruin this night. If they wanted to pretend everything was cool when it so obviously wasn’t, I’d play along. The truth was, I didn’t even care to be at the show; I would’ve much rather gone back to the hotel with Jesse so maybe he’d tell me what the fuck was going on over a beer.
Then we walked into the venue and I actually heard the band.
Judging by the frenzy of the crowd, Wet Blanket was deep into their set. I had no idea how the walls were still standing, because the whole club felt like it was about to blow apart at the seams. The band was rocking out, hard, just reaching the climax of The Kinks’ Lola, Zane’s powerful voice belting out the twisted, sexy lyrics.
Okay. Maybe this was just what I needed.
I let out a deep breathe, releasing a lot of the built-up tension from the day.
As Jessa followed Jude through the crowded hallway into the VIP area, she reached back and took my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. She flashed me a dazzling smile, so like her brother’s it made me grin. I glanced back at Jesse and took his hand, the three of us forming a chain as a fleet of bouncers filtered us through the crowd.
Dirty Like Me Page 25
