by Linda Bridey
*****
“No. I’ll do anything else but that,” Switch said, with a stubborn set to his jaw.
Tessa said, “I just need you to hold her for a few minutes, Switch. I want to put something in the oven and if I put her in the bassinette she’s going to scream. I have a headache and you’re not making it any better.”
“I’ll go get someone else,” Switch said.
“No. You’re already here and I need you to help me. Now, you’ve seen people hold babies, I’m sure. Hold your arms accordingly and I’ll place her in them,” Tessa said.
Switch heard the steel in Tessa’s voice and reluctantly obeyed. Tessa gave Sunny to Switch, who closed his eyes and simply stood with her. Tessa was greatly perplexed by his behavior. She finished the pie she’d been making and put it in the oven.
“All right. I’ll take her now,” Tessa said. “See that wasn’t so hard, now was it?”
Switch opened his eyes again but kept his gaze off the baby. “No. I know how to hold babies, I just don’t like to.”
“Why?”
Switch shrugged. “Because then I’ll want one.”
Tessa smiled. “What’s wrong with wanting to have a child someday?”
“Because I don’t want it to have to go through what I have because I’m different,” Switch said. “I’m too afraid it would be like me.”
“Would that be so bad?” Tessa said.
“You’ve never seen me at my worst, Tessa. What happened this morning? That’s just the tip of the iceberg,” Switch said. “Not even close.”
“Why don’t you tell me about it,” Tessa said, as she walked into the parlor and sat on the sofa.
Switch sighed and followed her. “This is not something I like talking about.”
Tessa patted the space next to her. “Sometimes the things we don’t like talking about are the things we need to talk about the most.”
With a sigh, Switch explained to her about his medical condition.
Tessa noticed that he kept watching Sunny as he spoke, but she made no mention of it. When he was done, she said, “I see. And you’re worried that any child you might have would be the same way. Is there any evidence that this could be the case?”
“I don’t know that any doctor would agree with me, but there are people on both sides of my family who have mental issues, so I think I got it from them. I don’t want to pass it down to any children I might have,” Switch said.
“All right. What about adopting a child?” Tessa asked.
“If I can’t hold a job, how can I be a good father?” he responded. “It wouldn’t be fair to ask any woman to take on both me and a child. Not to mention for the poor kid to have a pa like me. I mean, what if my wife needed to do something just like you did and I was in hibernation? I would be no help to her at all. What if either her or the baby got hurt while I was like that? I’d be no good to them,” Switch said. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, Tessa, but it’s best for everyone if I just stay single.”
“You could still get married, Switch. You might find someone who didn’t want children. There are some women who don’t, you know,” Tessa said.
“Only if she were willing to take precautions against becoming pregnant and we both know that no method is foolproof,” Switch said.
Tessa nodded. “I’m well aware. How do you think Sunny happened?”
“Um, well, you mean you and Dean were …?”
Tessa smiled. “Not planning on having any more children. After the twins were born, we decided not to have any more children for a little while. We talked about it every so often and we still felt that we didn’t want to add to our family. However, we weren’t quite as careful as we should have been, and that’s when I became pregnant.”
Switch grinned. “You just proved my point.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Since I’ve been so honest with you, will you be honest with me?” Tessa asked.
“Sure.”
“I know how men are and I’m assuming that you are not without female companionship altogether. Am I correct?” Tessa asked.
Switch colored slightly but he said, “You are, but I take precautions.”
“But they’re not foolproof.”
“Right.”
“So, at any time, you could father a child or perhaps you already have and just don’t know it,” Tessa said. “Wouldn’t it be better to take that chance with a woman you love then someone you don’t and might never see again? Someone who would love the child and with whom you could help raise him or her?”
Switch was quiet for several minutes before asking, “Are you sorry she’s here?”
“Dean and I were terrified of becoming parents again, not because we wouldn’t love the child, but because we were afraid that we were too old. I was scared that something would happen in childbirth, and so was Dean. There was a whole host of other things that worried us, but once we got used to the idea, we were so happy about the prospect of another little one and now here she is. She was in too much of a hurry to get here, but she’s healthy and so am I. That’s all that matters.”
“I’m really happy for you guys.”
“My point is that you can’t live your life constantly worried about what might happen, Switch. You have to take things as they come. It wouldn’t be fair to deny yourself the chance to be happy based on something that might or might not happen. And if she’s the right woman, she’ll be willing to face whatever comes right along with you,” Tessa said.
Dean came in the kitchen door, preventing Switch from responding to Tessa. He was followed by Mitch and Will.
“There you are,” Will said. “You’ve had your parents worried sick, buddy.”
Switch smiled. “Pa might have been worried, but I doubt whether Ma was very much. Her main concern would have been wanting to make sure I wasn’t causing trouble.”
Tessa looked at Will with a quizzical expression. Will said, “Yeah, I know,” which answered her unspoken inquiry.
Mitch came into the parlor and looked at Sunny. “She’s a pretty one, all right. I haven’t had a chance to see her yet. Boy, she looks like you, Tessa.”
“Would you like to hold her?” Tessa asked.
“I’d love to, but I’m pretty cold from being outside for so long. I don’t want to make her cold,” Mitch said. “But I’ll come back a day when I can stay longer so I can hold her.”
Will said, “I agree with Mitch. She looks like you, Tessa.”
“She looks like Mike when he was born,” Dean said. “She’s starting to gain weight now. She might be little, but she’s feisty. When she wants something, she lets you know.” The pride in his voice was plain to hear.
Will thought about how much he wanted a family and how much he wanted to have one with Rachel. He remembered the conversation he’d had with Rachel about what their children would look like. He smiled and a fierce determination to achieve that dream and all of his other desires took root in his mind.
He knew he had a lot to make up to Rachel. He had never thought of himself as the kind of man who could be so callous, but it showed a side of himself that he hated. Will decided he was going to work very hard to make sure that darker side never surfaced again.
“Will?”
Switch had been saying something to him, but he’d been too preoccupied to hear him. “Hmm? I’m sorry. What?”
“Wow. You were miles away. You ok?” Switch asked.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” Will said. “What did you say?”
“I said I’m not going home tonight. I’ll go home tomorrow sometime. It’s getting late and I don’t feel like dealing with Ma tonight. You know she’s gonna be all over me,” Switch said.
He looked at little Sunny and thought about how even though Dean and Tessa hadn’t been expecting her, they were so happy to have her. His mother had never once expressed such a thing to him. Hell, he’d felt more kindness from the women at the Samuels’ place i
n two days than he’d experienced in a lifetime with his mother. That thought brought tears to his eyes. “Excuse me,” he said, getting up. He grabbed his coat from the coat rack and hurried out the kitchen door.
Will sighed. “Oh, boy. I’d better go after him.”
Dean stopped him. “I’d leave him alone for now, Will. We’ll make sure he’s ok. Maybe he needs some time to think. I’ll check on him in a little bit. Why don’t you and Mitch go home and get out of this weather?”
“Are you sure? He’s pretty temperamental when he’s like this,” Will said.
“I’m sure,” Dean responded. “After all, I finished raising Marcus and he’s about as temperamental as they come.”
Will smiled. “Ok. Thanks.”
Mitch stood up and he and Will took their leave.
*****
Sitting in Mason’s bedroom with him, Rachel looked around at the things he had hanging on his walls. There was no real order to them. Mason tended to just put them wherever there was space. Rachel knew it drove Aiyana crazy, but Mason wouldn’t let anyone rearrange them.
Mason watched his sister and saw the sadness in her eyes. “Are you gonna talk about it or just sit there being miserable?”
Rachel looked at him. “You wouldn’t understand, Mason. No offense.”
“Why? Because I’m too young?”
“No, because you’ve never had your heart broken,” she said. “It’s hard to explain.”
“I’ve had my heart broken, Rachel,” he said. “By you. There’s different ways of having your heart broken, but the pain is sort of the same.”
Rachel was surprised by his insightful words. “I guess you’re right. I never thought of it like that.”
Mason shifted a little against the pillows that propped him up in a sitting position on his bed. He’d been reading when Rachel had come by for a visit. “What did Will do to make you break things off?”
“He accused me of lying and cheating on him.”
“Did you?” Mason asked.
“No! Of course not! I love him,” Rachel said. “I wouldn’t do that to him.”
“Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me what happened? I can’t help you if I don’t know the whole story,” Mason said.
She smiled. “You’re going to help me?”
“Yep.”
“I can’t do that. It’s pretty personal.”
“Look, Rachel, I know you think I am, but I’m not a kid anymore and I’m not stupid. You need to talk about it and I swear I won’t tell a soul. Not even Aiyana,” Mason said.
Rachel knew that Mason always kept his promises and the truth was, she did need to talk to someone. Quickly, before she changed her mind, Rachel shut and locked Mason’s door and began pouring out her heartache to him. Mason listened intently and without interruption until she’d finished.
“So what do you think?” she asked when she was done.
“I think that neither of you were really listening to the other. Black Fox has taught me that there’s sometimes more said in the silences than there is in the actual words people say. Or something like that. I can’t say it the way he did, but you get what I’m saying,” Mason said.
Rachel shook her head slightly. “No, I really don’t.”
“Look, when he saw you kissing that jackass, he was jealous. I would be if I saw Aiyana kissing someone else besides me. Now, I’m not saying it was fair of him to use your past against you, but I did the same thing. I didn’t trust you, either, but we talked about it and we’re fine now. Maybe give Will a little time to think about things and be as miserable as you are and then talk again.
“I’d like to punch him for letting things get, uh, physical between you and then acting like it didn’t mean anything. That wasn’t right at all. Or maybe it did mean something to him, but he was afraid to tell you because he didn’t want to get hurt. Guys are funny that way.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying, Mason, but I don’t think this is something I can get past. I gave him my heart and he basically just threw it back at me. You’re right about him not listening to me. No matter what I said, it didn’t change his mind. I couldn’t make him see that I was telling the truth. You can’t have any kind of relationship without trust. Thank you for listening. I feel a little better just getting it off my chest. Goodnight.” She kissed Mason’s cheek and left his room.
Mason laid his head back against his pillow and sighed. “Well isn’t this just a fine Christmas season?” he mumbled. “It’s a heck of a time for her engagement to be called off. Lord, if you’re listening, we sure could use some help down here.”
*****
Switch sat on a hay bale brooding about his situation. He fumed inside at the unfairness of it. His condition prevented him from having a normal life and it infuriated him. His anger was mainly directed at God for letting him be born like that. He didn’t fit in anywhere and he felt like his mind was his enemy. His mother hated him, his father didn’t know what to do about him, and he had no real future ahead of him. What was he supposed to do with his life? Just rely on other people to take care of him? That was no kind of life. He put his head in his hands and heaved a sigh.
“Switch?”
He looked up to see Hope standing in front of him. She was so beautiful and he became even angrier because he couldn’t begin any kind of relationship with her, even if she weren’t going back to Chicago.
“Are you all right?” she asked. There was enough moonlight that she could see him fairly well. The turmoil she saw in his dark eyes concerned her. “What’s wrong?”
His short laugh held no mirth. “Everything.”
Hope sat down on another hay bale. “Tell me.”
“You really don’t want to know,” he said.
“Yes, I do. What do you mean?”
“Have you ever had something in your life that prevents you from having any real happiness? That no matter how hard you try, you can’t get rid of it so you can just live your life on your own terms?”
“Yes. My father,” Hope answered. “He would lock me in my room if he could. When he’s home, I’m not allowed to do hardly anything except go to church and go to boring tea parties with the girls he has decided I should be friends with.”
“That’s terrible. How come he let you come here?”
“Mike helped me. Dean and Tessa wrote to him and convinced him to let me come home with Mike for the holidays. They told him it would be an educational trip for me and that they would take good care of me,” she said. “That’s why I have to keep that journal. He wants to see what I’ve learned.”
“That was nice of Mike and his parents. Mike’s a good guy. I don’t blame you for liking him. He’s a genius and he’s gonna be a doctor. It’s no wonder women like him,” Switch said.
Hope was amused. She nudged him a little. “Are you jealous?”
Switch smiled. “Yes, I am.”
“Why?” His answer had surprised her.
“Because you’re beautiful, kind, and sweet. So you and Mike are—”
“Friends, Switch. That’s it.”
“I know you told me that before, but I wasn’t sure if you were just hiding your feelings for him or not,” Switch said.
“It’s true that I’m very fond of Mike, but only as a friend. I swear,” Hope said.
“Good. Not that it matters any.”
Hope frowned. “Why doesn’t it?”
“You’ll be going home in a week or so. It wouldn’t be fair to begin anything. Besides, I don’t think I’m your idea of a beau.”
“How do you know? Are you inside my mind?”
“Well no, but—”
“I’ll tell you what I think about you. You are so funny, and sweet. You’re smart, handsome, and compassionate. You have a lot of talent, too,” Hope said.
Switch arched an eyebrow at her. “Don’t tease me, Hope. Is that how you really feel about me?”
“Yes. Why would I lie?” she asked.
“I
didn’t mean you would lie, but sometimes people just say things to be kind.”
“I meant every word I said.”
“Ok. Wow. I didn’t know you felt that way about me,” Switch said.
“I do. As far as me going back to Chicago, I can’t change that. But we could maybe have some fun before I go back. I wouldn’t mind that at all. Would you?”
A grin began spreading across his face when he saw the slightly wicked light in her eyes. “No. I wouldn’t mind that, either. I’m not always good at reading signals. What kind of fun are you talking about?”
“This kind.”
Hope moved over onto his hay bale and took his face in her hands. She looked into his eyes and smiled before pressing her lips to his and winding her arms around his neck. Switch was quick to catch up and took her in his arms. She tasted sweet, and it felt so right to hold her.
Switch almost smiled when she scooted closer to him. He pulled her more firmly against him so he could deepen their kiss. She ran her hands through his hair and goose bumps broke out over his shoulders. He shuddered and groaned softly.
Hope felt desire swirl through her body and was happy that he felt the same way. He was different than anyone she’d ever met and she was drawn to his wit. She found his dark eyes and chiseled features so strikingly handsome. She had been itching to get her hands on his lean, muscular frame and to kiss him.
Switch ended the kiss slowly and drew back from her a little bit. “There’s something you should know about me,” he said in a husky voice.
“What’s that?”
He looked down into her ocean-blue eyes and felt like he could drown in their beautiful depths. “I tend to be very impulsive and I can’t seem to control it very much. I get carried away easily. So if things ever get out of hand with us, you’re most likely going to have to be the one to stop. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
She nodded. “I understand. Who says I want you to control it?” She kissed him again and sighed when he held her close.
Someone cleared their throat a short distance away from them and they jumped.
“Sorry to interrupt,” Mike said. “Pa was worried about you, Switch, but I see you’re doing just fine.”
