by Jemma Grey
He didn’t answer right away and in my head I began to imagine the worst. Panic flooded through me and I felt my heart rate pick up. My muscles tightened and I could already feel the throbbing ache in my chest, pulling me down. “Relax Jen,” Eric said calmly. “You won’t find anything like that. Your parents are fine, I assure you.”
I nodded. “So why do they want me home?” My heart was still hammering away in my chest and I took a breath, trying to force calmness onto my body.
Another long silent moment passed and then he said “I can’t tell you. Your mother and father would want to tell you.”
“I’m sorry I was mean to you before,” I whispered. He turned to me confused, looking at me as if I was telling him I was a guy. He was utterly baffled by my sudden apology for a second and then something happened - changed - within him so fast and abrupt that I couldn't be sure something had really changed at all. His eyes went soft and warm to the point that they almost liquefied before me. A small, gentle, almost invisible smile tugged at the corner of his lips as he stared at me, completely ignoring the road before us.
“What?” I blinked, clearing my throat feeling as if he was searching my soul, looking at all my mistakes and secrets - my horrible past.
“Nothing,” he whispered and pulled into my driveway, right beside a black, slick limo. Who was this guy?
“What are you exactly, royalty or something?” I asked, gaping at the shiny limo. Eric didn’t say anything, instead his head shook slightly and an amused smile played at the corner of his lips.
“Or something,” he muttered amused as I opened the door but just as I was about to step out a hand shot in front of me and closed the door. I looked to Eric and found that once again his face was inches from my own.
Dry static suddenly filled the car and my breathing became uneasy. My throat went dry and in my chest, my heart was ripping apart my ribcage. I swallowed and blinked a few times, but it had no effect on what was going on inside me. Something stronger was taking control and I didn't like it. It made me feel like I wasn’t in control - like I was vulnerable.
“I need to tell you something.” He paused for only a second, deliberating whether he should continue or not. “I need to tell you this before you go in there because I’m sure that once you do you'll... hate me,” he sighed, troubled.
“Jen,” he said and took a deep breath. I could tell that this was hard for him to get out so I sat there, breathing in his addictive scent and waited. His eyes held mine and even though most of what he’d just said made no sense to me, I nodded dazed.
I was abruptly gripped by the urge to touch him. I wanted to feel his skin, to run my hands through his dark hair and at that thought butterflies sprouted in my stomach. My heart hammered away, even louder than before. I was sure that he could hear it just as vividly as I could feel it beating in my chest.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered and placed a gentle hand on my cheek. One touch - that was all it took for my body to melt into a puddle and for my brain to completely shut down. I felt myself lean into his hand and my eyes closed instantly. Then seconds after, his lips brushed against mine lightly. I kissed him back, gentle and soft at first, but then something awakened within me and the kiss became angry and urgent. My hands released the sides of the seat that I realised I was clenching onto so tightly and wormed around his neck and through his hair.
Eric pulled away from me and a foreign moan of protest and disappointment escaped my throat. Then I felt his lips, hot on my skin trailing down my neck. Another moan, one of pure pleasure this time rose from my throat. My hands pulled him closer to me, wanting to discard any existing space between us. His lips were hot on my neck. Everywhere he touched, he left a fiery trail that only got more heated as time went on. I pulled him back up to my lips and felt his hands run along my sides. My blood w as slowly beginning to sizzle in my veins.
Jen, I heard Daren’s voice in my head, and like a surge of electricity, a sharp aching pain ran through my entire body. I’m dead - how can you do this to me? he asked. His voice was gentle yet stern, and it snapped me back to reality at once. Immediately my eyes shot open and I shoved Eric off me, panting as pure overwhelming guilt pushed through my system as though it were blood pumping through my veins. It was then that I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and was shocked at the girl staring back at me.
There was no way that person could be me, I thought. Her eyes were shining and alive. She seemed confident as if she was a whole person. Her face was flushed. Life and vitality leaked from her pores, making her skin glow. She was alive and unbroken; she wasn’t me.
I was stunned, literally. I felt like I hadn't seen this girl in years. She was the me of a past life - one that I had given up completely and seeing her resurface was like taking a bullet to the heart. Seeing her made my insides vibrate with pure guilt and pain. It was strange that one kiss from a complete stranger could make her live again, and this scared me. I didn’t want this, not anymore. Tears welled up in my eyes and desperately I fought against them.
“That was. . . interesting,” Eric said still smiling.
“That’s a great way to put it,” I choked out, my voice strained and dry as I held back the sobs. I then leaned back on the seat, closing my eyes and taking in slow deep breaths - desperately trying not to cry in front of Eric. When I was sure that I was okay, I opened the door, heading for the house.
From now on, I was going to stay away from Eric - I didn't want this. I couldn’t be that girl anymore. She brought out things and feelings in me that I didn’t want and couldn’t cope with. That Jen had died the night Daren and Brandon had, and for some reason Eric Wilson had the power to revive her. The thing was, I didn’t want to be brought back to life. I didn’t deserve it.
As soon as I walked into the house my mom's voice filled my head. I followed it and seconds later I found myself standing in the doorway of my parents' scruffy old living room, looking on as they sat talking with another couple I was assuming were Eric's parents.
The first thought I had about them was that they were absolutely perfect and looked out of place sitting in the small plain living room. The resemblance between Eric and his parents were crystal clear. They all had the same piercing blue eyes - freezing as glazed ice yet as heated as the centre of fire - and skin so flawless, it was almost like they'd been protected by bubble wrap all their lives.
The woman was like a Barbie doll that had come to life. She had long blonde hair that fell to her waist like a curtain of silk, smooth and not a hair out of place. Her features were soft and warm, welcoming. The guy in this respect was different, with a sharply chiseled and strong bone structure. Where the woman was soft and golden, he was dark and strange. Black hair rose from his head, shooting out at all angles as though he hadn't combed it or had run his hand through it. He looked so much like Eric.
Eric walked past me then, gracefully dumping himself on the last empty couch and as he did everyone in the room turned to face me.
“Jen” my mom began and I instantly recognized the tone she used. It was the same careful lightness she spoke with every time I woke up screaming. “These are Eric's parents - Dr. and Mrs. Wilson. Come in and say hello.”
I swallowed hard and took one step into the room. “Hello.”
“She's beautiful,” Eric's mother said her long delicate fingers squeezing her husband's arm tightly, and in that moment, every wall I'd built around myself in the last three weeks went up as I dropped my bag and walked further into the room sitting between my parents.
“What’s going on?” I asked looking to my mom.
“Well Jen... you’re... engaged to Eric,” my mom said choosing her words carefully. I was dumbstruck. I felt my stomach tighten and my jaw dropped to the floor. A lump rose in my throat as my eyebrows went up. I swallowed, staring at my parents blankly.
“What?” I choked out, surprised that my voice worked.
“It’s been so ever since you were born.” This time it was my fa
ther who spoke. I got up at once turning to face both of them.
“I’m not engaged. I’m not getting married – I’m seventeen.” My voice came out bare and void, almost dead. “Why are you doing this?”
“Remember the story of your birth Jen?” my mom asked reaching out to touch me. Instinctively I stepped back and she let her hand fall to her side. “Remember how back then you were-”
“Yes,” I cut her off. “Doctors gave me days to live, I survived,” I said, confused now. “But what does that have to do with getting married at seventeen to a complete stranger?” I asked. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t angry. I should be angry but instead I felt blank and cold inside. I should be screaming right now, throwing a huge fit about this; why wasn’t I?
“Well Dr. Wilson – he helped you on the condition that when you’re seventeen, you would marry his son, should Eric decide to. He has been giving us your medication since you were born... It was our only choice Jen - without his help you would have died...”
“So it was die at birth or be married off to a stranger that I might end up hating for the rest of my life,” I sighed, not believing that this was happening. Arranged marriages didn’t exist anymore - well maybe in some small taboo village, but not here, not now.
“We didn’t have a choice,” my mom pleaded and then something inside me snapped awake. It was finally beginning to sink in now, and I felt the all too familiar ache beginning to vibrate inside my body.
“I can’t do it, mom,” I said without looking at her, silently begging her. “I can’t do it. You know why I can’t marry him.” My voice had gone soft and hoarse as I desperately tried to keep the tears back. My throat burned. I swallowed, taking in a deep breath. Suddenly it felt as though I couldn’t breathe. My chest tightened and my throat closed up, cutting off my air.
“I’m sorry Jen, but you don’t have a choice. I get that Daren was special to you and I get that you’re still dealing... but this is final.”
“Please, don’t make me do this,” I begged her. “Send me back to Trinidad - send me to that stupid boarding school you wanted to - I don’t care, just don’t make me marry him. I can’t marry him - I can’t marry someone else, please... I’ll be good - I swear, no more breaking school or cutting classes, or fighting - nothing. I’ll go back to being the perfect daughter I was before he died. I promise no mess ups this time. It’s only been three weeks, please!”
“I’m trying to get better, I swear I am. Don't you think that I want to forget about him? I wish I could, all it does is hurt; it hurts to think about him and to remember him. It hurts to breathe... but I’m trying... I’ll try harder; I won’t be like this anymore… Just… please don't do this to me.”
Tears flowed freely down my face at this point and I closed my eyes in an attempt to stop them. I took a deep breath, trying to find some sort of release, but as usual none came. My heart was heavy in my chest. I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. Wiping my eyes, I reopened them and looked to my mom, begging her to understand. She knew about Daren, how could she still force me to do this?
“This isn’t about you acting out Jen,” she told me, wiping away her own tears. “We understand why you’re acting out.”
“Then what?” I wiped away more tears, but as soon as they were gone, my face was coated with new ones.
“Exactly what we said, Dr. Wilson helped you stay alive. He made you so strong in such a short time that it was a miracle. We owe him everything we have, and he wants you to marry Eric. We didn’t have a choice, we couldn’t let you die.”
“No!” I shouted angry now. My voice was steady and venom coated. “You kept me in the dark, mom. You lied to me… my entire life you all lied to me.”
“We weren’t sure what Eric would decide,” my dad explained. I turned to Eric now. All his words in the car now made complete sense.
“You knew,” I said, but it came out as a question rather than a realized statement.
“Yes,” he nodded. “I knew since you were born.”
“It seems that everyone knew about my ‘wedding’ but me,” I said to all of them. I turned to my mom and dad “You know what this is going to do to me; I hope you’re happy when it all crashes. But fine,” I smiled without any humor, turning back to Eric, “have me if you will, but you’re a fool because I promise that I will make our married life Hell,” I threatened, and began to walk out of the room. Just when I was at the doorframe I turned back to him, and our eyes met for a second before he lowered his head. “By the way Eric you were right - I do hate you. Congrats on your engagement.”
Later that night, after Eric and his parents had left for their hotel and my parents were in bed, I sneaked out of the house, not knowing where I was going. I found myself walking without direction, and without hope. Every part of me ached and throbbed with pain. My entire body hurt; it hurt to breathe, to walk, to pretend like I wasn't dying with every step I took. But I couldn't stop walking because I knew if I did, I wouldn't be able to start moving again.
That night was also the first time since Daren died that I cried. I just cried and cried, and screamed at the sleeping world, hoping that my screams would attract some kind of psychopat, and that person would finally put me out of my misery.
2
There was blood everywhere I looked. It was pouring out of his chest in huge amounts, and all I could do was sit at his side and stare at him horrified. How could I let this happen? This was my entire fault. My best friend, the person I loved with everything I had in me was dying in front of my eyes, and I could do nothing to stop it. I felt so helpless, absolutely powerless. Tears streaked down my face, and then just like that, I opened my eyes to find myself at my parents’ house in my bedroom.
I sat up in my bed and wiped my face dry. It was a short while after that I realized I wasn’t alone, and instantly my heart kicked into overdrive, sending fear rushing through me. My entire body was shaking, but it was only Eric, casually leaning against my bedroom door as if that wasn't creepy at all.
“Hi,” he smiled, looking at me with an almost sad and knowing expression on his face.
I was instantly on edge as I placed my carefully, practiced mask on my face. It slipped on easily and just like that the cold-hearted, bitchy Jen was back. I welcomed that side of me because it was the only way I knew to survive. It was the only way to stop the pain, and have nothing but numbness washing over me, encasing me in a hard cocoon shell. “How long have you been here?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at him. “Stalking isn’t romantic.”
“Exactly five minutes. And I’m not stalking you, your mom sent me to get you but I got distracted. She wants to speak to you,” he frowned.
Great, more news, I thought. I let my head fall into my waiting hands, and I stayed so for a moment. “Am I going to like this?” I whispered, not looking at him.
“No, I don’t think so.” I raised my head to look at him then.
“What is it?” I asked.
“May I?” he gestured to my bed, and I nodded pulling my feet under me so he could sit. “Well... um... we, my parents and I live really far away and your mom wanted you – well both of us to be... er... comfortable together. So after you left last night, our parents decided that it would be best if we... lived together until we’re married,” he stopped, contemplating on whether he should continue or not.
I thought about that for a second and then took a deep breath before saying “Okay.”
He nodded, and took my hand in his. Already I could feel my awareness of him go up a notch, and my brain cells clicking off. A huge part of me wanted to rip my hand from his, but I liked the feeling - the warmth that radiated through me so I didn’t. “In my home town,” he finished.
“When?” I frowned.
“We leave today.” Eric had spoken each word slowly and carefully, measuring my reaction.
I pulled my hand from his instantly, shutting my eyes as I attempted to control my emotions. When I reopened them I was calm, or at least see
med to be. “Can’t I have a day? You’ve already taken my future from me, give me today,” I whispered looking up at him.
“I can’t, I’m sorry-”
“Save it for someone who cares. Get out,” I snapped, at the edge of tears.
“What?”
“My room stupid. Get out of my room.” My voice held no emotion but at least I wasn’t screaming at him or stabbing him repeatedly with a dull kitchen knife. That would solve my problem, wouldn’t it?
He rose silently from my bed and walked out of my room. The door closed behind him like a ghost and it was only then that I allowed myself to cry. I had thought that I was going to have some months at least, but I wasn’t even going to get that. Tears slid down my face silently and dropped into my open palm. My throat tightened and I choked up. In my chest my heart felt heavy and hard, like metal. I could almost hear Daren in my head now, telling me that it was my fault he was dead - that I had agreed to marry him and now Iwas going to marry Eric.
I took a deep breath, steadying myself. Then I wiped my eyes and got out of the bed heading for my toilet and bath. I washed my face and brushed my teeth and then proceeded to strip. The water was hot on my skin, almost blistering, but I didn't adjust the heat. Instead, I stayed under the scalding spray, unmoving and hurting, stretching out my shower for as long as I could. When I was done I took my time getting dressed. I was just about finished combing my hair when there was a knock on my door. I turned to the door, scowling. It was probably Eric coming to tell me that we had to leave now.
“What?” I snapped, playing the part of a bitch.
“It’s me, Eric.”
“I know, that’s why I’m pissed, annoyed and angry,” I called out packing as much hate as I could squeeze into my voice.
“I have something to tell you.” I stalked over to the door and opened it.
“Great,” I muttered. “More news that-” I was abruptly stopped by Eric’s lips.
A feeling overtook me then - a feeling of being sane, as if all the while I'd been stumbling around in insanity. My eyes closed, my fist unclenched, the forever present scowl on my face vanished as my heart sped up and I was suddenly kissing him back with as much energy and passion as I could.
