by Jemma Grey
I closed my eyes and slowly slid to the floor. For the first time since that night, I wished for the darkness to overtake me. I listened to myself breathing, it was steady and slow, yet at the same time uneven and aching. I don’t know how long I stayed like this. I didn’t even know when I had started to cry, but sometime during the night tears began to run down my cheeks. I didn’t make a move to wipe them away, I was too afraid that I would shatter and crumple without the hope of being put back together. I only took the chance to move when the tears had stopped, and even then all my movements were slow and hesitant.
I didn’t sleep, not for a second. My thoughts kept going to Eric, wondering if he was going to walk through the door, even though I knew he wasn’t coming back. I kept thinking about where he was exactly, which room in the giant house, or if he even was in the house at all. All those other times when I was pissed, he had always been there. He had apologized when he did nothing wrong because he knew I was hurting. Now it was my turn, only I couldn’t do what he wanted. I couldn’t force myself to like that I was marrying him against my will. How could I?
As soon as the sun was up, I got out of the bed, got myself dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and then headed downstairs in search of Eric. It was time to make things right. Even though it was only hours into the morning, everyone was in full swing. It was like a replay of yesterday except now workers were rebuilding walls, taking down decorations; replacing the furniture and all that.
I searched the entire house for Eric, but he was nowhere. Even the workers hadn't seen him. It was frustrating. I had finally decided I was going to play nice and at least try to make our stupid marriage seem healthy and sane, something Eric had wanted since the beginning and now I couldn’t find him.
After hours of going around in circles and asking the workers if they'd seen him, I finally gave up and decided to wait for him in his room. I figured that at some point Eric would have to crawl out of whatever hole he was hiding in and return to his bedroom.
Just as I was about to open the door to Eric’s room, I heard Christy screaming. Immediately, I dropped my hand from the doorknob and went to her room standing outside the door hesitantly.
“No!” Christy screamed at someone. “I don’t want it!” I knocked on the door and it opened slightly revealing a completely different room from the one I'd seen yesterday. Everything was disorganized and chaotic. The room was in a mess. There were clothes thrown everywhere, some shredded and dumped in a corner. Toys, most of them shattered and broken laid about scattered. It looked like a mini tornado had blown apart the room.
“Miss Christy, please,” a round, shapely woman with bright red hair begged holding up a clean dress. From the looks of things, Christy didn't want to clean herself up. She was still in the dress she wore last night, a frilly baby blue dress that was stained with what could only be food.
“No,” Christy yelled back, “you can’t make me.” She stomped her foot on the ground and folded her arms over her chest turning away from the lady.
“Miss Christy, you-” the woman began but stopped when she saw me standing in the doorway. “Miss Jenifer,” she curtsied instantly. I stepped into the room about to ask what was happening, but at the same time Christy turned to face me, her mouth growing sad and small. Her eyes turned glassy and filled with tears right away.
“Hey Christy,” I smiled walking up to her, kneeling to her level. I stretched my hands out to her, but she stepped away from me immediately. Tiny crystal-like tears fell from her glassy eyes and my heart gave an aching, painful echo in my chest. My hands dropped to my sides. “Why are you crying?” I asked sending her the most comforting smile I could manage. “What’s wrong?”
“Jenifer...” she sniffed her lower lip trembling. “Do you hate me now?” her voice was innocent and child-like. I felt horrible inside. Just when I thought I couldn’t feel any more heart broken than I already felt the Wilsons had a way of proving how wrong I could be.
“Of course not, Christy” I answered at once, appalled that she would even think that. “Why... why do you think that?”
“Eric...” she cried unable to continue. I was lost now. I looked up at the woman towering over me and instantly understanding what I wanted, she curtsied and seconds later left the room silently. As soon as the door shut, I turned back to Christy. She was still crying, staring at me with sad, big puppy eyes.
Any more of this emotional intensity crap and I would literally die. How could one person survive after so much pain? I got up, took her hand and led her to the bed. “Tell me, why you think I hate you?” I asked wiping her eyes.
“Eric said so,” she sniffed. I was shocked. I felt my breathing stop. How could he say that? How could he hurt his little sister so much? “You hate us now... because you know... you know we’re pureblood.”
New tears rolled down her face and I wanted so badly to wipe them away, I wanted to grab her tightly and tell her that no matter what I could never hate her, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen in place by pure anger for Eric and grief for Christy.
“Please, Jenifer,” she begged grabbing my hand tightly. “Please don’t hate me. I love you so much and I’m not bad. Vampires aren’t bad, Jenifer. Please don’t hate me. I’ll be good, I promise you, I’ll be good. I won’t be a pureblood anymore. Jenifer, I’ll change,” she begged.
Tears rolled down my face. My heart was heavy and hard in my chest. I felt like it weighed more than I could carry. I grabbed Christy and hugged her fiercely, never wanting to let her go.
“I love you, Christy,” I whispered without releasing her. “More than you know.” I held her away from me. Then making sure she was looking at me I said “Don’t you ever let anyone tell you that I don’t. I could never hate you, it’s impossible, okay?”
After a slow second she nodded and wrapped her tiny arms around my neck tightly. “Thank you for not hating me. I love you, Jenifer.”
“I love you too,” I murmured hugging her back. We stayed like that until something occurred to m e. Christy must know where Eric was, since he had been telling her how much I hated her. “Christy,” I said standing up. “Where is Eric?”
She tilted her head to me slowly. “When he’s sad he stays in the pool house.” I thought back wondering if I’d seen a pool house before. I came up with nothing.
“And where exactly is the pool house?”
I listened to her directions and then hugged her goodbye, going in search of the pool house. It was easy to find. I hadn’t seen it before because it was partly hidden by a line of trees. There was a stone path though, that went from the pool directly to the pool house.
I didn’t bother to knock. Instead, I opened the door and walked right in as though I owned the place. I found no one though and as I turned to leave, voices echoed through the room - a TV I soon realized. I followed the sound and came to a staircase.
With each step I took and the more I thought of Christy in her room was the less guilt I felt over everything I did to him. Instead my anger and disgust for Eric became more intense. I couldn’t believe that he would even think to tell Christy I hated her. This was a new low. Did he really think I hated her, or was he just trying to piss me off? If it was the latter, he succeeded.
Directly at the bottom of the staircase was a white translucent door. I stood on the last step not sure what I was going to do. I was torn between intense hatred for him and intense sadness. I didn't understand how a person could hate someone so much they wanted to kill them, and yet care for that very person equally at the same time.
I opened the door slowly determined not to shout or argue this time. However when I saw him, lying casually on a bed watching TV something else happened. Immediately my good intentions were engulfed by the need to give him another hole in his face.
“What do you want, Jenifer?” he sig hed tiredly without looking at me. This only fuelled my rage and before I knew it, I was sitting on top of him, sneering down at him with violence on my face.
“Wha
t is wrong with you? She was in her room crying, you dumbass!” I shouted in his face.
“What are you talking about?” he asked innocently, as if he didn’t already know.
“You told Christy I hated her.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“She said so-” I began but stopped when he rolled over, flipping me under him.
“And I said I didn’t, Jenifer,” he sneered, his breath hot on my face. He spoke each word clearly and carefully. I knew then that he was telling the truth, that much was plain in his eyes.
“Then why would she-” I began, but once again he cut me off.
“Because she’s four and she’s feeling what I am!” he shouted raising himself off me.
“You think I hate you?” I asked, genuinely shocked. Without answering, he turned his back on me and started for the door. Before he could reach it, I was off the bed standing in front of him. “Why won’t you stay and talk to me?”
“Talk to you,” he sneered turning to face me angrily. “We promised to talk to each other before, Jen, but you broke that promise! Now there is nothing to talk about, the time for talking is done! I don’t want to see you anymore, now stay away from me.”
“Eric,” I grabbed onto his hand, “I never wanted to hurt you,” I pleaded.
“Oh but you did, Jen,” he whispered ripping his hand away. “You promised me you would. Congrats, Jen, you’re successful, I hate you.” I swallowed turning my back to him. I didn’t want to see him walking away from me anymore, it hurt too much.
“I know what I want, Eric. Ever since I could remember, I’ve always known what I wanted. I don’t want this wedding... because to me it’s not just an arranged marriage, it’s like slowly dying... You’re taking everything I have left in me and you expect me to be happy about it... You don't know what it's like, Eric... Everyday a piece of me gets chipped off and I lose a part of myself... Everyday I die a little inside and it's not because of you, but what happens when I have no more pieces left?”
“I walk around pretending to be okay, but I'm really not. Everything hurts. It hurts to breathe and to wake up on mornings... It hurts to look at you and smiled when I'm breaking apart inside... Eric, it hurts to be alive,” I sniffed desperately fighting tears. “I don't want to feel like this anymore... I am so tired of hurting... but I don't know how to make the pain go away...” I sniffed again as tears I was holding back filled my eyes. “I don't hate you, Eric… even when I wanted to hate you I couldn't. I never wanted to hurt you either... I just wanted the pain to stop…”
“Tell me how I make the pain go away... tell me how I stop feeling like this, Eric and I'll gladly marry you...” I pleaded with him. “Show me a way to stop always feeling like I'm breaking and I'll do whatever you want me do... You can't though... No one can help me and doing what I did was the only way I saw out of feeling like this... Not taking my meds had nothing to do with you - it was me being tired of always hurting... of always pretending...”
I turned around and without looking at him, I began to climb up the stairs. I didn’t want to see him hurting any more because of me. Maybe Eric was right, loving me was a curse. From now on, I should just do as he asked and stay away from him. Maybe that was the best thing for both of us.
10
There was a bang so loud that even in my sleep, I reacted. I felt myself jump awake as my eyes fluttered open for a second, then closed and I drifted off back to sleep in the same second. Footsteps echoed in my head, steady and fast, and I guessed its owner was either angry or had an agenda of some sort. Seconds later another door slammed and immediately a soft voice I recognized broke the silence. “Eric, what are you doing?” Mrs. Wilson asked.
“What do you mean?” Eric’s voice was neutral. “How long do you plan on keeping this up? It's been more than a week. You both need to straighten things out.”
“I don't see her trying to work anything out,” he mumbled.
“Of course not, you've been holed up in this room and the one time she tried to talk, you told her to stay away. She's giving you what you wanted even though it's been hard on her too.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” There was an almost silent movement, as if someone had sat down on a very soft cushion or bed.
“Eric, you’re not this person, why are you holding on to this? That girl has been through so much it’s understandable why she felt she had to do what she did. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen...”
“What happened to her, mom?”
“I can’t tell you, it’s not my place... But you need to forgive her.”
I heard more footsteps as if someone was pacing. “I can’t.”
“Eric, sit down, there is something I need to tell you.” She paused for a moment, sighed and then continued. “As you know, with all the bloodlines, our mates are chosen for us at birth. I never wanted this life for myself... and because I was shoved into it, I hated your dad... and your dad... well at the time he didn’t think much of me either... The feelings we had for each other back then were nothing short of pure hatred,” she paused. The seconds dragged on and then I heard more footsteps, this time hers. I could tell from the click-clack sound her shoes made.
“Whoa, mom, what are you doing?” Eric blurted out suddenly.
“Oh relax,” she muttered and I could almost see her rolling her eyes at him. “You've seen worse than me shirtless.” There was another long pause. “See this mark? I got this the day your father and I met. I gave him one too. And this one here... this was the day he threw an engagement ring at me. As you know only our teeth can leave us with scars... I have a lot more scars on my body, Eric and so does your dad... most of them aren't scars of passion.”
Eric swallowed loudly. I didn't know how I knew it was him, I just knew. “What changed?”
“Everything did. Don't misunderstand, Eric, I do love your dad, it just didn’t start out as such. We had to learn to live with each other... eventually we couldn't live without each other.” Another long pause left silence hanging in the air, as I waited for someone to speak.
“I guess I’m telling you that I know you’re hurting and all the while so has Jen... but somewhere along the line she decided to try to make it work. She took that first step, Eric, a step that was going against everything inside her. Now it’s time for you to do the same.”
“This is the point where you two both decide your future. Either you will be happy together or you’ll make each other’s life miserable. You’re my son, Eric, and I don’t want you to be unhappy. Think about what I’ve said.”
There was another long pause and slowly I opened my eyes to find myself curled up on the bed in my room. It had been ten days since the engagement ball and Eric had barely spoken a full sentence to me. He spent most of the time in the pool house, or off somewhere with Jason while I occupied myself by doing anything but thinking about barging into the pool house again. It was hard being angry with Eric. As foreign as it was I missed him, but I was going to give him what he asked for. Eric wanted me to stay away, he'd been crystal clear about that, and I didn't want to hurt him anymore.
There was a soft timid knock on the door and seconds later it swung open. Even before the door could open fully I already knew who it was. Christy had been sneaking into my room almost every night. Whether I was awake or asleep she would crawl into the bed and curl up next to me.
“I had a dream, Jenifer,” she muttered when she was tucked in under the thick blanket, beside me.
“About what?”
“You were angry with me.” I stared back at her silently, not knowing what to say. “When are you going to stop being angry with Eric? He's not bad, Jenifer. He plays with me and takes care of me, and Eric's the best brother.”
“I know,” was all I said.
“His chest hurts,” she said simply and then frowned at me deeply. “I got a cut once and it hurt me, but his chest doesn't hurt like that. I don't know... He doesn't have a cut... but his chest really hurts Jenifer... like yo
ur chest hurts.”
I swallowed, once again lost for words. What could I tell her? How do I make her understand? She could feel what Eric was feeling and right now he wasn't exactly Mr. Sunshine-and-Rainbows. “Eric won't feel like that forever, Christy.”
“You promise?” she asked, looking up to me with wide, worried eyes.
“I promise,” I said, knowing as the words left my lips that I shouldn't have said them, but I’d try to keep that promise no matter what.
“Okay” she sighed, closing her eyes and snuggling closer to me. Within minutes she fell asleep, looking completely angelic and peaceful. I draped my arm around her and went back to sleep.
Hours after I woke up with a searing headache. I felt like something hot and metallic was being shoved into the sides of my skull. As soon as I was completely conscious I understood why. My senses were raging, making me either want to throw up or split my head open with a hammer. Everything was overwhelming and too awake. The world was suddenly screaming at me, violent and absolutely crushing.
Even though the AC in the room was blasting out bone chillingly cold air, I was feeling hot. Sweat clung to my body, making me sticky. My eyes felt like they were on fire and at any second I thought they would burn out of my sockets. My skin was like molten rocks and ached with the fever coursing through me. Every part of my body felt like fire. I was burning alive.
Every sound known to man blasted in my head, even though the bedroom was soundproof. I heard Christy's calm and easy breaths, her heart drumming peacefully as it matched the pace of her pulse. There was more though sounds I shouldn't be able to hear. Traffic noise and cars honking loudly, people's footsteps by the hundreds, clickclacking on the pavements, and a string of endless talking and chattering all blurred into one giant ear-splitting, crushing sound. I smelled everything. The exhaust of engines combined with the foul stench of cigarette smoke. There were perfumes of all brands and scents mixed into one, coating the air itself with a thick dirty smell. It tasted dirty, like world pollution at its greatest.
