by Jemma Grey
I smiled at her nodding. The familiarity that she made me feel was overwhelming. It was almost like something in the air had changed - shifted somehow, and I could feel the difference sticking to my skin. It made everything seem normal and sane once again. As if somehow it would all fall into place again, and eventually everything would be right.
Eric left the room then, probably giving Kris and I alone time. I let out a breath, turning back to her. I couldn't believe that she was here, in front of me. I had so many questions for her too. How did she know where I was, how long was she staying? God, I hoped that she wouldn’t go back right away. I took a deep breath, attempting to calm myself. “You’re here,” I sighed, not taking my eyes off her. “How..? What are you doing here? How’s Danny and everyone else? I mean I left and I…” I trailed off, taking another deep breath.
“Relax, Jen,” she smiled. “Everyone is okay… they’re all trying to deal, I guess… I trashed Danny’s car so he’s busy rebuilding it,” she said and a wide smile spread across her lips.
I looked at her confused. “Why?”
“He didn’t want to tell me what happened so I tied him to a chair and took a bat to his car,” she said casually, and the strange thing was that I could picture her doing this. “I made the bitch cry; you should have seen him, Jen,” she smiled at me again.
“What did he tell you?” I frowned.
“As it turns out…” she mused, “Danny hardly knew anything. As far as he knows this is what happened – you called Daren to get you and when he got there, he told Danny you were in trouble, to call the police… That was the last time Danny saw Daren alive…” she trailed off staring at me. When I didn’t say anything she continued.
“Danny saw when they locked you in the closet and he got you out… he didn’t know about Daren until he followed you… and saw him… Jen, I hate to ask you this, I really do… but are you sure you don’t know them...?” I hated lying to her, but I didn’t want her to be involved in the world that I was now living in. She didn’t belong in it and to pull her into a place that was bloody and dark because I was scared was selfish and unforgivable.
“It’s okay, Jen… I just had to ask,” she whispered, looking down at the bed when I didn’t answer.
“I’m sorry,” I said still not looking at her. T he silence dragged on for a second. “So how did you find me?” I asked not caring about the answer. I really just wanted to fill the silence and hear her voice. She reminded me of home and family; of all the things I’d left behind. “My Aunt?”
“Yeah. She gave me your parent’s address, who then gave me this address.”
“What?” I blurted out. “Kris, you met my parents?”
“Yeah,” she nodded grinning. “Well not your dad, just your mom. I told her I was on vacation… You have an amazing mom, Jen… You’re lucky.” Kris’ parents had died when she was a baby, before she had the chance to get to know them. She hardly spoke of her parents but I knew she wished she knew them.
My frowned deepened. “How come my mom never told me that she met you?” Every once in a while I spoke to my parents on the phone, and my mom never mentioned meeting one of my friends from Trinidad.
“I told her I wanted to surprise you. I didn’t think she would go for it… but she did… so I guess… surprise Jen!”
I burst out laughing. “You did surprise me.”
“Okay now I have a few questions…” I bit down on my lower lip, staring at her from under my eyebrows. Kris was very frank and observant. She could somehow look at a person and instantly know if they were lying or telling half truths. Her ability to reach out and grasp the truth was uncanny. “You’re getting married,” she stated.
A feeling of deep shame spread through me at her knowing about my engagement to Eric. It wasn’t that I was ashamed of Eric - he was great and any girl would be blessed to have him as her husband, I was more ashamed of myself. What would she think; that I was moving on already? That I had forgotten about Daren in such a short time? Would she think that I had even really loved him at all?
Instead of answering her unspoken question, I looked down at the bed I was sitting on and began playing with the ends of my t-shirt. “How’d you know?” I finally asked after what seemed like an eternity of tortuous silence.
“Your mom told me. She’s really excited about it.”
Instantly I knew what she was asking. She wanted to know how I felt about it; was I excited about being married too. “It’s an arranged marriage; I don’t have a choice…” I frowned.
She didn’t say anything right away, instead I found her eyes studying me, decoding what I wasn’t saying. “Yo u don’t want this?” she finally asked.
“I don’t know…” I said honestly. “There is a huge part of me that doesn’t want any of this… I feel trapped and so guilty. It feels as if I’m cheating on him… but Eric is great. He’s sweet and kind to me, and any girl would be lucky to have him… Kri,s I’m so confused because Eric is so good to me, but Daren is gone… He’s gone...”
“Yes, Jen, but do you love Eric now?” she whispered.
“I can’t,” I mumbled not looking at her.
“I think you already do.” My head snapped up to her at once. “Do you know what I saw just now, Jen? Guilt… Guilt that you’re alive and he’s not… Not once have you said that you don’t want to marry Eric because you’re not in love with Eric.”
“I’m not.” I muttered, looking away.
“Maybe not… but there’s something there... Something I saw as soon as I saw both of you… and you’re denying it because you don’t think you deserve it… You feel pain and guilt because Daren and Brandon died and you didn’t… You think that it should have been you instead; that there was something you could have done…” she trailed off, her eyes intense.
She was right – I was guilty. How could I not be when I was alive and two people I loved were dead because of me? That night I had not only managed to get Daren killed, but Brandon as well. How was it fair that I was alive and they weren’t? In what universe was that right; that I could actually be happy and live and laugh when they couldn’t? I didn’t deserve to be happy, it was wrong. How could I let myself love again after I took away their very chance to do that?
I took a deep breath and finally after slow, long minutes of avoiding her eyes, I looked up at her face. “Saying I love Eric, is saying that I’m over Daren. It’s admitting I’m moving on and replacing him... Kris, I love Daren, I will always love Daren.” My voice was steady and sure.
“I know that; a part of you will always love him. He will always be with you – just as Brandon will always be with me. They’re branded into our hearts and time will never change that… But do you really think that they would want us to keep hurting over them? Daren died so you could live; he wanted you to grow old and fall in love again. He wanted you to go to college, to get a job, he would have wanted you to start a family Jen. He died to so you could have a life.
“And the guy waiting outside… you can have that with him. I’ve known him for only a couple of hours, barely spoken two sentences to him and even I can see that. The way he looks at you is the way Daren looked at you… It’s the way Brandon looked at me… and how you look back at Eric, even while your heart was breaking... Moving on in life is not replacing those that we’ve lost or forgetting them, it’s healing and learning to live with them being gone. . .”
Goosebumps rose on my skin as I listened to her. She raised her hands and wiped her face dry and I copied her movements at once, realizing that we were both crying again. She then inhaled, opening her mouth to say something else, but before she could, I stopped her.
“I’m hungry,” I said instantly, jumping off the bed. I didn’t want to hear about moving on anymore. She nodded knowingly and then slowly followed me out of the bedroom and into the kitchen.
We found Eric in the living room, not even pretending to watch the TV in front of him. As soon as he saw us he perked up, staring at me. I s
ent him a reassuring smile and then led Kris to the kitchen where I got out two bowls, a box of Cheerios and milk. A minute later, while Kris and I were eating, Eric finally came to us and sat down opposite me, staring at me like a lost puppy.
“Eric, I’m fine,” I sighed.
“I know… It was just hard to see you like that,” he mumbled. I froze staring at him. I couldn’t get Kris’ words out of my head and I began searching his eyes, looking for any similarity between the way that he looked at me and how Daren used to look at me. The minutes dragged on and I came up with nothing. All I saw were Eric’s blue eyes staring back at me intently.
Suddenly Kris cleared her throat and I let my eyes drop to the bowl in front of me at once. After a short minute Eric grabbed the box of cereal, digging out a handful. “Where are you staying?” he asked Kris. “If it’s at some cheesy motel or something, we have a lot of empty bedrooms,” he suggested.
I perked up at this. “That’s right, Kris stay with us.”
“Actually,” she frowned turning to me, “now that I know you’re not lying in a ditch somewhere, I need to get back home. I’m not staying,” she whispered looking at me. I frowned at her confused, silently asking her why. Immediately she understood and before I could ask she answered. “Everyone still thinks that Brandon is on another bender and he’s going to come back… Someone has to tell his mother...” she trailed off looking down, away from me. A silent moment washed over us and then she took a deep breath, steadying herself. “She’s been sitting at home waiting for him to come back, and as much as I wish I didn’t have to do this, I have to tell her.”
“I’m sorry Kris, I really am,” I breathed out immediately feeling guilty.
Her head snapped up at me instantly. “It’s not your fault so I do not want your guilt and I sure as Hell don’t want you constantly apologizing to me…” She paused for a moment wondering. “So are you going to tell me about the eyes? They’re blue.”
“Contacts,” I explained, offering no reason as to why I would need blue contacts.
“Hmm,” was all she said, clearly picking up that I didn’t want to talk about it, letting the subject fall flat.
“So, is there anything that you need, anything that we can do?” Eric asked staring at her.
“Nope, I’ve got everything covered…” Kris said. “So Eric, you’re going to marry my girl.” Her eyebrows knotted together at the same time that Eric began shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
“Um... yes,” he mumbled and I began to wonder why he was acting so nervous.
“Well you seem like a really nice guy and everything, but I have to say this; if you ever hurt her I will rip your hands out and kill you with them, ‘kay?” she smiled at him.
“Kristen!” I blurted out horrified even though I wasn’t shocked that she’d tell him something like that.
“No it’s fine, Jen,” Eric told me but he was looking directly at Kris. “I believe you and I’m fine with it because you know what? I will never hurt her, no matter what.”
“Good. Welcome to the family then.”
Eric grinned at her suddenly. It was a bright smile that lighted his eyes and showed in his entire body. “You’re so awesome.”
“I know, right,” Kris beamed at him and at the sight a smile plastered my own face.
For the next couple of hours Kris, Eric, and I just chilled out. We talked about almost everything and everyone back at home. She filled me in on what I was missing out on, the things my friends were up to. We also talked a lot about the past. Like the crazy, psycho mini missions we’d been on; all the stupid things we’d done and somehow survived.
A few hours after the sun had risen, Kris got up from the sofa staring at me apologetically, and I instantly knew that she was going to leave me now. “Sorry, Jen, but I still have stuff to take care of before I leave tomorrow.”
“I know,” I mumbled getting up and walking with her to the front door. I gave her a tight hug, not wanting to let her go. I knew and understood why Kris needed to leave, yet there was a huge part of me that didn’t want her to. How could I be so selfish, after everything that I had put her through? She had to go back and tell Brandon’s mother that he was dead because of me. It was my fault and here I was, being selfish and not wanting her to leave me.
With tears threatening to spill out, I quickly released her taking a step back. My back bounced into Eric’s and instantly I felt his hands caught and steady me. “I’ll be back tomorrow to say goodbye,” she whispered and I nodded. “Eric, it was nice meeting you; you’re a great guy but don’t forget what I said.”
“I won’t,” he chuckled as he wrapped his arms around my waist protectively, and then with that Kris was gone until tomorrow. I remained staring at the door she’d closed behind her. “She really means what she says, you know,” Eric commented as he turned, leading me back to the sofa.
“What?” I asked looking up at him. He sat down and then pulled me down next to him. I laid my head on his chest and in response he draped his arm around me.
“Her threat if I ever hurt you, she really means it.”
“Oh,” I said yawning. The exhaustion was finally catching up. “Kris usually does mean whatever she says,” I murmured closing my eyes.
“Well in any case, I’ve seen what she did to that guy’s car and she makes me very nervous,” he admitted and I couldn’t help laugh at him. “So on the rare chance that I do unintentionally hurt you, Jen… can you please not tell Kristen about it?” A small smile pierced my lips at this.
“Eric, you’re the big bad pureblood, Kris is only human,” I laughed, snuggling closer into his chest.
“Yes, but she’s still scary... the things she’s done… the things that she’s willing to do for those she love… it’s very nonhuman…” he mused but there was something in his voice that made me think he knew more than he was telling me. I opened my eyes looking up to meet his.
“What are you keeping from me?” The question came out as a dry comment.
“Do you promise not to tell her?” he asked and I only nodded, not taking my eyes off him. “She’s pregnant,” he stated without looking at me.
“What?” I blurted out shooting up. “Does she know? Wait, how do you know?” I frowned.
“She doesn’t know yet, and that’s why you can’t tell her. She has to find out on her own. I can tell because I read her body language Jen; it’s there even if she doesn’t know, the way she moves… At first I couldn’t figure it out, but then while you two were talking it hit me. I didn’t know I could even tell these type of things…” he trailed off, speaking more to himself than to me now. I placed my head back on his chest. Kris was pregnant; it was amazing. I felt a tiny tinge of hope now. At least now Brandon wasn’t really gone; Kris still had a part of him.
I looked up and found Eric staring at me, and once again I began to wonder about what Kris had said. I still couldn’t see any similarity between Eric and Daren. When I looked at Eric, all I saw staring back at me was Eric. It had always been Eric.
18
I woke up and instantly found myself staring at Eric, who was standing at the side of my bed, holding out a white coffee mug, staring apologetically. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up and gratefully took the coffee he offered, inhaling the sweet nectar before I took a slow sip. “Is it time already?” I asked, frowning.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I let you sleep as long as I could, but the hair dresser and make-up people are downstairs…” he trailed off as I continued drinking the warm, heavenly liquid.
“Okay,” I said. I hadn’t realized I had make-up people and a hair dresser. I’d thought that this was just a simple high school dance that I could get away with flat ironing my hair myself, slapping on minimal make-up and that’d be fine, but apparently not.
Tonight was the school’s Black and White Ball, and I really didn’t want to go to that thing. It’d only been a few hours since Kris had left; I was tired from not sleeping last night, or the night before that and
I felt raw inside, from letting out all the pent-up emotions. My insides throbbed.
“Are you done?” he asked, nodding to the cup in my hand, breaking me out of my thoughts. When I didn’t say anything, Eric sighed, sitting on the side of the bed as he took the cup from my hands. “We have to go, Jen… My family is on the school’s board and we have to be represented tonight,” he explained, frowning. “We won’t stay long; I know you’re exhausted so thirty minutes and we’ll be out of there, I promise.” His frown deepened and instinctively I reached up to his forehead, smoothing it away. He was worried about me; I could see it clearly in his eyes and coloring every inch of his face.
“I know,” I sighed, forcing myself to smile at him. “Maybe tonight will be fun after all… Don’t know about you, but I could use a little fun right now.”
“True,” he agreed, then stood up. “I’ll send the girls in as soon as you’re done showering.” Eric hesitated a moment, then he turned away from me and walked towards the door. I watched silently as his back retreated and then disappeared behind the wooden door, still dreading tonight.
I was tired of pretending that I was okay when I wasn’t. I didn’t want to pretend tonight; I didn’t want to be d olled up when inside I felt sore and broken or have to smile and be sociable. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and let the grief and pain have me.
When I was done showering and dressed in only my underwear and a thick, white robe my ‘prep-team’ knocked on my door, then without waiting for a response, they walked into the room, bringing with them cases of makeup. I was so exhausted that from the second they started on me, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
When they woke me up an hour later, I was completely flawless, or so it seemed. My make-up was all natural and not bold or bright. It was simple, yet elegant at the same time. Most of the colors they used were neutral. My hair was curled and half of it was up and pulled away from my face, while the other half fell to the middle of my back. My cheeks were flushed, my lips were pink, and eyes were bright and so awake that looking at me now, you’d never guess I was dead on my feet.
