No.
She set the lipstick down and went to message him. She told him that she was feeling sick, but really, she didn’t think she could trust herself to be around him.
He told her to come, that he wouldn’t pressure her, and he just wanted a night alone with her, but she wasn’t going to let it happen. She simply said no and went back to watching her film. Her pizza arrived shortly after, along with another rose.
29
A white, wide-brimmed hat, a pair of giant black sunglasses, and basic white dress, all meant as a disguise. Too many people knew who she was, and things were starting to get tense and aboard.
Cora and Priscilla bribed a crewman to let them break into the intercom system. They made a wild announcement at two in the morning, just as the rain was starting to calm down, saying that they were all in serious danger and the captain had lost his mind.
The result, of course, was chaos. People were swarming the halls, flagging down crewmen, begging to be let off. Lori could barely get out of her room. Cade made another announcement within hours, and things were starting to calm down. The majority of the chaos was over, but there was still reason to worry.
She could feel the eyes on her, as they walked towards the buffet. People knew, they must’ve. The captain was a public figure—king of the Lunafreya, and she was his tabloid mistress.
Reina didn’t seem to be aware of it. She went on about all of the drama in her hall last night, where a group of women came out screaming, saying that they had children and begging to leave the ship. Two crewmembers had to come out and calm them down, and everyone was taking pictures.
When they arrived at their table in the VIP section, she had her phone out, and she was about to play a video for Lori to see. George came up to greet them with a smile and a basket of strawberries. “Good morning, ladies.”
“Good morning, George.”
“Is there anything you’d like me to pass along?”
“He’s really upset, isn’t he?”
“I think he might be a bit confused,” George said. “But he would like to send his apologies. He feels like there’s been undue pressure.”
“How bad is it?”
“He told me this morning, when I brought him his breakfast, that he can’t demand anything. He feels like he should accept whatever you choose.”
“I think he’s a gentleman,” Reina interjected.
“Tell him that I’m sorry,” Lori said.
“Anything else?”
“I would love a waffle,” she replied.
“Me too, and sausage and hash browns.”
“I’ll take a hash brown as well,” she added.
“Of course, it won’t be long.” He gave them a quick nod and went back into the kitchen. There was an awkward silence, while Reina inspected the salt shaker and the woodgrain on the table.
Lori decided to find another subject to talk about and stick to it. “I think it would be nice to check out Jan’s class again. What do you think?”
Reina plucked up a packet of sweetener and turned it around, so she could pretend to read the ingredients.
“Or we could try to talk to the yoga teacher. I am feeling kind of sore.”
Reina put it back and took a sip of her drink.
“Is that stevia?”
“Just go talk to him,” she blurted out. “Tell him where you stand.”
“I don’t know where we stand.”
“I think you do,” she said.
“Let’s cook.”
“We can’t,” Reina told her.
“Why not?”
She pushed her phone across the table, and Lori tapped the blank video image. “What are you doing!?”
The shaky image of Reina’s hall came onscreen, and the camera tilted towards the ground. “Don’t let her go,” Priscilla’s scream flew out.
The camera panned up to show a crewman dragging Jan out of her room with Madge and Cora behind him. “You two better have that cash,” he said before stopping in the middle of the hall.
“You’ll get your money,” Priscilla stepped up to where he had Jan with her arms behind her back, struggling. “Now you’re going to stop that cooking class, or he’ll come back.”
“You’re crazy! You’re out of your minds!”
“Hey, get him!” Two more crew members came running up, and the feed went dark. Lori couldn’t believe what she just saw. She looked up and narrowed her eyes at Reina.
“How did you get that?”
“Harris sent it to me. He said it’s been going around. I think he’s scared.”
“What did they do to her?” Lori asked.
“She’s fine, but she won’t teach.”
“Jesus, tell me these ladies are confined to their rooms or something. I can’t believe this crap.”
“They’re going to be thrown off when we reach port,” Reina told her.
“God,” Lori hung her head back with a groan. “I just hope things don’t get really bad around here. We’re stuck until then.”
“It’s won’t be that long,” Reina said, talking a sip from her water glass. She looked around to see if George was coming and took another drink. “We could go to yoga.”
“I was just saying that to change the subject. I’d rather go back to my room. You want to finish that game?” Lori asked her.
“OK, but I’m not giving you any more cure cards. If you lose, you lose.”
“I’ll buy four phoenixes and kick your butt.” Rather than eat and sit through the quiet chaos buzzing around the dining area, they decided to take their food back to Lori’s room.
After six games, both of them were so tired of playing that they just sat back and enjoyed lunch from the House of Lo Mein. Greasy noodles, shrimp and baby corn, water chestnuts, all mixed in a savory sauce. It was wonderful, but there was something missing. Their day was uneventful, dull, and Reina was starting to worry about what was happening on the rest of the ship. She pushed her food away, chopsticks sticking out. “I think you should ask him.”
“If there was trouble, he would be in this room with us, or somebody else would. I am not going to bother him, simply because you’re bored,” Lori set her container down on the coffee table. “It won’t matter anyway. We’re almost to San Domenico. They’ll get off then.”
“It would be a shame,” Reina said. “To miss the rest of the trip because they’re so afraid. I wish people would just have a good time.”
“This can be stre ssful,” Lori countered. “They’re locked up here with their lovers, fighting, cheating. I’d leave if I had to deal with that.”
“Is that what you want?”
Lori took a breath. “I don’t know,” she murmured, craving the distraction the game provided. “I want to see what happens when you pit a fairy against a behemoth.”
“No, you don’t. You want to avoid him. Why?”
Self-conscious, she shoveled in a mouthful of noodles, and looked away to avoid Reina’s stare.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t get it. You believe him. You must. Why are you still resisting? Is it your past, the...the incident, or your experiences with the other men?”
She kept on chewing, stalling as long as she could, but Reina wasn’t giving up. She swallowed and let the moment sit, trying to decide how best to explain things. “It hasn’t been very long. I haven’t seen him in fifteen years. I haven’t had time to think or allow things to sit. He’s pressing me. You’re pressing me. This isn’t the kind of decision you just run into.”
“Tell me one thing about him that would keep you from being with him. Is there anything?”
With a sigh, Lori responded, “I don’t know.”
Reina’s knowing smile had her furious. She kicked her out and went back to her noodles, so she could finish the evening in peace without having to worry about what her future held.
30
The cane stamping set off a series of clumsy feet, struggling to keep up with Margot’s screaming, “One, two, thr—
She hunched over, hacking and wailing, while Josh came running up, holding a pack of cheap menthols. He lit her cigarette and stuck it in her mouth. She immediately recovered and took a long puff, like a fish thrown back in the ocean. “Thank you,” she murmured.
“Absolutely,” he went back in line with Trish and Margot resumed her shrieking.
“One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.”
“I hate the waltz,” Reina said, careful to keep from stepping on Lori’s toes.
“Let’s make it look like we’re having fun. I want people to think we’re a couple.”
“There’s no point. Everyone knows.”
“You’re doing it wrong,” Josh shrieked to their left. “I told you, move your foot straight.”
“You’re really starting to piss me off. It’s just a class.”
“Just a class,” he shouted, and the cane came to a halt. He dropped his arms around her, and every single face in the dance hall turned towards him.
“I think you’re overreacting,” Trish said.
“I’m trying to apply myself, and you’re acting like this is a joke.”
“It is a joke!” she shouted. “You’re not training to get into Juilliard. You’re on a couple’s cruise, and you’re screaming at your wife—your wife—over a waltz. Really, oh-hoh, we are done here.”
“Good. If you can’t handle the heat...”
He looked to Margot who yelled, “Get out of th—
She was coughing so hard that the cigarette flew out of her mouth and he had to run over to retrieve it. “Thank you,” she gasped, once she’d taken a drag.
“You’re very welcome. Would you...?”
Margot gave him a confused, almost angry look. “What? Oh, sure.”
He bowed, she bowed, and they began their dance together, while she belted out the meter. “One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two three...”
Reina lowered her voice, so they couldn’t hear. “There’s something wrong with that guy.”
“You think,” Lori wrinkled her nose, “you think he’s...?”
“Into her?” Reina finished her question.
“It almost looks like it, doesn’t it?”
“Ew,” she squealed quietly. “I can’t. No.”
“Look,” Lori spun her just enough to see his hand on Margot’s blob of a hip.
“Oh, wow.”
Lori nodded. The whole class spent their time watching the couple, whispering and laughing, loud enough that they would’ve heard, had they not been so focused on one another. Margot had stopped screaming at that point, and they were just holding one another.
It made no sense to continue, now that they had lost track of everything else around them. Lori was just about to suggest that they leave when somebody cleared their throat from behind, and she realized that George was trying to get her attention. “One, two, three, one, two, three,” she said aloud, spinning herself so she wasn’t facing him.
“Ahem.”
“One, two, three, one, two, three—oh, come on.” Reina had wrenched herself away with an irritated look.
“Excuse me,” George called out.
“Go talk to him,” she hissed.
“Will you tell him to let me be?” Lori called out.
“I just wanted to apologize for the interruption.” He ignored her and went to speak with Margot, who pulled herself away.
They went into the corner, where he told her something in a hushed voice. He cried out, “Now?”
He nodded his head in confirmation and said something else before taking his leave, ignoring Lori altogether.
“Everyone,” Margot came to the head of the room. “This is extremely important. I want you to use all of the training I’ve given you. No mistakes.”
“Why?” Lori asked.
Margot looked at her like she was a dog that had just made a mess on the carpet. “I was just getting to that. She stamped her cigarette out on the floor and Josh ran over to give her another. “Thank you.” She let the smoke blow out of her mouth while she talked. “Captain Parker is going to be making a special...”
‘This is bullshit,” Lori interjected, before walking past a fuming Reina. Cade was waiting in the hall, having expected her response, but she ignored him too. She wanted space, time—the ability to make her own choice. He wasn’t going to give her that.
In her room, there was a rose on the coffee table. A letter was attached to it, asking her to talk to him. He was starting to worry. The voyage wouldn’t last much longer, and he didn’t want her to slip away.
She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts, pull herself away from the nonsense and all of the drama, so she could get back to herself—her center, if she had such a thing. That part of herself was incomplete. It hadn’t been nurtured and loved the way it needed. She was drifting.
It should’ve been her choice, where she made her home, where that center ended up. This pressure wasn’t acceptable. She understood why he was doing it—how much he lost when she left, and the way he lost it—that lack of closure. It bothered him. It made him desperate. This was his life’s struggle, but he was trying to decide her destiny.
When she got back in bed and turned on the TV, she decided that she was going to have that space, no matter what he did. He wasn’t going to burst in her room and fill it with gifts. He knew that that would be an intrusion, and that it would just alienate her further. So long as she stayed put, he couldn’t get to her.
She still felt his presence, even under the covers that night, when she covered her head and closed her eyes, wishing she could leave the world. He was in the air, the carpet, the walls; this was his kingdom—Cade’s domain.
Her tablet was sitting on the nightstand, casting a soft glow across the room. She brought it into her blanket fort and stared at the screen, trying to decide what to say. This was more than overwhelming. She was hurting him. She didn’t like knowing that he was in pain. It made her feel like she was doing something wrong.
And she was also hurting. She’d been stabbed in the back, the gut, the face; every part of her psyche was bruised and battered. Anxiety had taken over. She was cornered by Cade, forced to experience this. That’s why she was running. It wasn’t the uncertainty, she realized. Sometimes, the scariest things in her life were the things she saw coming. She loved him.
But in her mind, she couldn’t separate love from pain, or the taste of the charcoal they gave her to throw up the pills she took to kill herself—bitter bile and acid, a sludgy foam of dissolved opiates, and blood—blood on her thighs, her sheets—the panic, enough that she didn’t want to move. Moving meant accepting that it had happened, reacting to it. She didn’t believe it—not at first. She woke up in the motel and felt something wet around her legs. She thought her water had broken, so she felt down under the sheets and pulled her fingers out.
In the dark, it looked like a black smear with a bead of light, dancing on the surface. She would never forget. How could she? When she cried, she shook like somebody had jammed an electrical wire into her skull. That’s what it felt like.
Those two things, the betrayal and the grief—those weren’t thoughts she could banish easily. They were deep, rooted in her life’s struggle. Whether she was conscious of it or not, she was protecting herself by keeping a safe distance from the men in her life.
She knew that he was safe, that she would never have to worry about being hurt or betrayed; she believed that, and she did care. It tore at her gut to think about how he was feeling.
But the fear and doubt were like splinters, left too long beneath the skin. She was never going to be rid of them; worse yet, she felt a need to hold onto them. It was something that she’d conditioned herself to do. She never had a way of knowing whether or not the men in her life were loyal, and nothing that they did would ever fully convince her that they were monogamous.
It was no easier with Cade. She wanted him more, but he was still the one that instilled that fear in her. He was th
e source of all of this. Her perception of him wouldn’t just be influenced by that, it was centered around it.
She couldn’t explain that to him. What they experienced together was the closest to thing to magic that ever existed. That was all he saw. It was such an innocent stance—just love—simple intimacy and affection. She admired his courage and fortitude. But she wanted her heart to survive intact.
Love wouldn’t let that happen. It was the force that destroyed individuality, the self, the core, the soul, body and mind, so that two could become one. That wasn’t something that could be fought or avoided. It was something that she was going to have to confront.
She couldn’t tell herself to stop and listen, quiet down and let him in. The fear was so pervasive. Fear was safer than love. It couldn’t betray her. It could keep her safe. It wouldn’t comfort her, though. Fear wouldn’t give her the support she lost when she left. It wouldn’t heal the wounds the way Cade could. It was empty. She was empty. At some point, she was going to have to let go of her fear, but that thought only made it stronger. She put her tablet back and grabbed a pillow—something to hold, something soft. It was a poor replacement for what she really wanted, but it was safe.
31
A chime rang out, and Lori opened her eyes. She’d been laying with her arms outstretched, and she was trying to delay the moment as long as she could. She didn’t want to wake up, she wanted to sink into the bed and forget everything.
“You’ve been chosen,” a cheery girl called out, followed immediately by the sound of ocean waves. “Being given a place at the captain’s table is the highest privilege a passenger could have.”
Lori’s hand shot out to grab onto the tablet and turn the sound off.
“Would you like to RSVP?”
She jabbed the volume button, and the waves stopped, allowing her a moment of silence. An RSVP was out of the question. Saying no would hurt him and probably force her into a state of self-hatred. She’d think about what she was missing, what she was forcing him to go through, all the things that could be. But she couldn’t say yes. That was an answer as well, one that she wasn’t ready to talk about.
Sweetest Obsessions - Anthology Page 41
