Cuddling with him had felt so good. So right. But that was before he’d betrayed her trust.
Did he? her conscience asked. What about you betraying him?
How many times had he begged her to let the whole world know he was Pia’s dad, yet she’d denied him? Over and over, he held back the news that, legally and morally, he had the right to share. Why? For her.
Staring out at the deepening snow, Ellie hugged herself. What had she done?
And why, when she most wanted to talk to Deacon, did he have to be a million miles away?
Finishing up the shirts, she tried consoling herself by assuming he’d be home soon. But then she remembered the dark day she’d learned Tom wouldn’t be coming home, and worry that lightning could strike her life twice chilled her to her core.
Chapter Twelve
“Enemy fire! I repeat, high rate of enemy fire!” Deacon dodged left, then right. They’d been outfoxed once, but not again. With most of the team already having gained high ground, and thus tactical advantage, Deacon was almost there. Then he was hit.
Just in the calf, but it hurt like hell.
Ignoring the pain, he kept running, but then another bullet struck, this one a direct hit on his radio. Another pinged off his helmet, royally screwing his night vision.
Tearing off the useless goggles, he threw them aside and kept running.
When grenades exploded in front of him, cutting him off from his team, he changed course. It would be dicey making his own path, but at the moment, he didn’t have another choice. He’d volunteered to stay behind, ensuring a trap they’d set would be tripped. It had, successfully eliminating at least ten enemy targets. But at what personal cost?
Running, running through darkness lessened only slightly by orange-red violence, he kept one thing in his mind—Pia. No matter what, Deacon had to stay alive, because when he got home, he intended to be the best dad ever. And to do that, he also realized he had to get over his issues with his own father.
As for Ellie, hindsight had brought remarkable clarity. He’d not only been a fool for believing the two of them had a chance, but he’d been a horrible friend. Tom—his memory—deserved more than Deacon moving in on his girls.
If he made it out of this hellhole in one piece, Deacon vowed to steer clear of his best friend’s wife.
* * *
THREE WEEKS HAD PASSED since Deacon deployed, and Ellie was as cranky about his absence as their daughter was. Day by day, they went through their routines, but with Deacon not around, colors had faded. Flavors had dulled.
When the doorbell rang on a sunny Thursday, though Ellie was still plenty miffed with Deacon, part of her secretly hoped to find him at the door. Deacon still had his key, but as respectful as he was, until they’d worked out their issues, she appreciated him taking things slow.
She opened the door with a strange mix of emotions—fading anger and, yes, anticipation.
Pia came running. “Daddy! Daddy!”
“Mrs. Hilliard?” It was the base commander, William Duncan, and his aide.
Ellie’s stomach tightened.
“No,” she said with a vehement shake of her head, clutching Pia to her side.
“Ma’am, may we come in?”
“Daddy?” Pia peeked out at the men.
Five minutes worth of nerve-racking pleasantries later, Commander Duncan said, “Though I know you and Chief Petty Officer Murphy called off your recent engagement, we were surprised to find your little Pia is officially listed as his next of kin.”
The man’s voice droned on and on, but all Ellie heard was sick ringing in her ears. No, no, no…
“…and so you see, ma’am, while SEALs never willingly leave a man behind, and this search is ongoing, for practical matters, I have to inform you and your daughter that Deacon Murphy is missing and presumed—”
“Don’t say it.” Rising from the sofa, Ellie checked on Pia, whom she’d sent out to the deck to ride her bike.
“Ma’am, we wouldn’t be doing our jobs if—”
“Do you even remember coming here for Tom’s wake? Are your men so disposable to you, sir, that you can’t recall it’s been barely a year since you were last in my home? What? You weren’t satisfied with taking just my husband? Now you had to go back for my fiancé?” Ellie didn’t care that she was being hysterical.
“Ma’am, my sources told me you and Deacon were no longer engag—”
“Well, maybe we are,” she all but shouted. “Maybe I now realize what a horrible mistake I made in ever letting him go.”
Crying so hard she could barely breathe, she heard the commander’s aide ask if there was someone he could call to help her through this difficult time. But she was too shaken to answer. This couldn’t be happening again. Not with Deacon. Yes, she’d been furious with him, but never, ever would she have wished him dead.
Little good that realization did, now that he was gone….
* * *
“IS SHE GOING TO BE okay?” Ellie heard Helen whisper to John. She wasn’t sure who had told them the news, but she needed them now more than ever. Only two days had passed, yet it might as well have been a week. Time had lost all meaning and she wasn’t sure how to regain control.
“Don’t know,” John said.
Poor Pia didn’t know what was happening. All she understood was that Mommy was sad.
“Honey,” Helen said to Ellie, who lay on her side in bed, staring out the window. “It’s such a nice day, John and I are taking Pia to the park. Want to come?”
“No, thank you.” She’d cried so much she had no more tears.
“Okay…” After rubbing her shoulder, Helen left the room, calling from the door, “We’ll be back soon. I have my cell if you need anything.”
What Ellie needed was a third chance.
In finding love with Tom, she’d had one amazing life. With Deacon, a second, only she’d thrown it away. All along, he’d been right. Initially, Helen and John had been understandably upset by her news, but they’d adjusted, just as Deacon had told her they would. Why hadn’t she listened?
Drifting into a dark, fitful sleep, where her dreams turned Technicolor and her body sighed into Deacon’s strength, she cried again, welcoming him home to her arms.
“Ellie,” he said through layers of her subconscious, “wake up. I’m really here. It’s me.”
She rolled onto her back, certain she was dreaming. Slowly waking, she blinked, then blinked again. “Deacon?”
“It’s me. I’m here. Wake up. We should talk.”
She didn’t believe her eyes, but how could her sense of smell also be wrong? He must’ve come straight from the base, for he carried with him what only a SEAL’s wife would recognize. Scents of jet fuel, sweat and the sea. He went anywhere, did anything. Had he also managed to come home to her?
“Deacon?” Cupping her hands to his face, she felt his nose and forehead and cheeks, and finally those precious lips. “Is it really you?”
“What do you think?”
Quivering with shimmering relief, her heart singing, she couldn’t stop crying, but this time for joy. “I’m sorry for putting you through what I did. I should’ve told Helen and John right away. I was a fool, Deacon. Can you ever forgive me?”
“Done,” he said. His sober tone failed to match the magic of his being with her.
“I still can’t believe it’s really you.” She hugged him, but he gently, yet firmly, pushed her away. “Deacon?” Her gaze searching his, she asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Have you forgotten how we left things?”
“No, but—” She reached for him again, but he pushed her away.
“I’m here to set up a formal visitation schedule with Pia. I assume you want to keep this be
tween us and not resort to getting lawyers involved?”
Where was this coming from? Had she alienated him to this degree? “Deacon, you know you can see Pia anytime you like. I’m sorry I flipped out at Christmas, but you have to agree it wasn’t a stellar time for either of us.”
“You know what?” He sighed. “I’m done with this whole paternity issue. I’m not sorry about what went down at Christmas. In fact, if I had to do it over, I wouldn’t change a thing. Your reaction—you siding with Tom’s folks—was the wake-up call I needed. My proposal was stupid. A pipe dream for the way I wished our lives with Pia to be. I should’ve known from your initial shock at seeing my ring that you didn’t feel the same. If I had, I could have saved us a helluva lot of aggravation.”
“That’s not fair.” A slow trembling began deep inside, one Ellie wasn’t sure how to control. “Of course I was surprised you wanted to marry me. But then it made sense. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but Deacon, you hurt me. You just blurting out my secret like that—”
“Correction—our secret. Where’s Pia?”
“In the park. She’s been asking for you every day. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve only just realized how much you mean to me. How could I explain to her that her mom’s the biggest fool in the world for ever letting you go?”
“Stop.” Far from him being moved by Ellie’s confession, he clenched his jaw. “I had a lot of time to think while I was gone. Funny, but life is never clearer until you’re facing death square in the face. I kept dwelling on Pia—and Tom. And how I never meant to betray him by falling for you all over again.”
At the window, Deacon pushed back the curtain, staring at the sliver of Atlantic barely in view. “I’ll always be here for Pia. But Ellie, whatever it was we shared, it’s over.”
* * *
“SHH…” AT THE BOUTIQUE two days later, Ada held Ellie through her latest batch of tears. While outside, falling snow made it tough to see across the street, inside they’d been sharing small talk, while keeping warm steaming the latest dress shipment. Ellie couldn’t even pinpoint what it was her friend had said that set her off, but in what seemed to be an alarming habit, it didn’t take much to upset her these days.
“Everything’s going to be all right,” Ada said. “I’ve been seeing this new guy, Marcus, a serious Manhattan business tycoon. Well, honey, he’s got friends who make Bill Gates look like a poverty case. Once we fix you up, you’ll—”
Ellie grabbed another dress and sniffled. “You really think this mess with Deacon will be better by me seeing another man?”
“Everything looks brighter with a new man,” Ada assured her.
Her friend’s rationalization was so ludicrous, Ellie couldn’t help but laugh.
“See? Just talking about men is perking you right up. Marcus is flying his jet down this weekend to see family. Should I have him bring Craig or Bentley?”
“Neither.” After hanging her latest garment on the appropriate rack, Ellie collapsed onto one of the white leather lounge chairs. “What I want is to rewind time and do everything over.”
“Don’t we all?” Ada kept steaming. “Trouble is, if we had that magic button, where would you stop? Before you even slept with Deacon? But if you did that, you wouldn’t have Pia.”
“If your plan was to make me feel better,” Ellie said, “you’re failing.”
* * *
“DEACON. What a nice surprise,” his mom said on the phone a week after his return from the dead. He’d called right away to let them know he was alive and well, but this call was different.
He was seated on the foot of his bed, alone in the apartment, and at four-thirty in the afternoon, falling snow left his bedroom nearly dark. “Sorry I don’t get in touch more often.”
“It’s okay,” she said. “How are you?”
“Good.” He forced a breath. “I, um, have something to share. Something I hope you’ll be excited about.”
“Oh?” His old dog, Cheesy, barked in the background. How long had it been since he’d seen the little guy? He had to be ancient in dog years.
“I have a daughter. She’s two. Her name’s Pia, and once I get a couple days’ leave and clear it with her mom, I’d like to bring her to meet you.”
For the longest time, his mom didn’t say a word. Then she murmured, “That’d be nice, son. Real nice.”
* * *
SINCE HER SPLIT WITH Deacon, Ellie had spent more time at the alcoholic outreach center where she volunteered. This afternoon, since Deacon had Pia, Ellie sat in the communal meeting room of Friends Helping Friends, waiting for Pandora. Her heart had always gone out to the young woman, but Ellie struggled with the fact that had her own mom sought help when Ellie was young, her whole life might have turned out differently. School might not have been such a struggle, and learning to trust might never have been an issue.
The center had been set up in a renovated warehouse, and today, sunlight streamed through the enormous windows. All the main walls were brick, with divider walls painted a cheery yellow. Potted plants and trees thrived on even the coldest winter day. Live-in residents were charged with caring for them.
Pandora strolled in fifteen minutes late. Her normally straightened blond hair was held back in a messy ponytail and dark circles adorned her eyes. She reeked of booze and cigarettes, and the smell made Ellie’s stomach turn. Though her training had taught her to remain calm, instinctively, she wanted to rail at the woman.
“Hey.” The blonde stumbled into a chair.
“What happened?” Ellie asked, her hands clenched together on the table.
“You know…” She shrugged. “Met a guy, we started talking, he had some wine and one thing led to another and— Oh, forget it. I don’t owe you an explanation.” Pandora waved Ellie off and stalked toward the door. “Never did like this stupid place. Everyone’s always preaching. Screw it. Nobody’s ever gonna give me my little girl back anyway, and for people like me, nothing ever changes.”
“Whoa.” Lips pressed into a thin line, Ellie followed. “You were so close to getting custody of Julia. How could you give up everything you’ve accomplished for just one night of so-called fun?”
Pandora laughed. “Once that wine hit my system, chased by a little vodka, it was sooo easy. Peace out.” After flipping her the bird, Pandora left the building.
Stunned, Ellie backed onto the nearest bench.
How could you give up everything you’ve accomplished for just one night? The question struck a chord with Ellie. Hadn’t she essentially done the same with Deacon on the night of Pia’s conception?
Yes, but the only thing she’d stood to lose was her dignity. Recognizing he was the kind of guy out for a good time, she’d welcomed their hasty goodbyes—or had she? Had her wish to be free of Deacon as soon as possible been more a case of her leaving him before he could do the same to her? Looking back, she recalled that as she’d gathered her belongings from his apartment, he’d announced that he was leaving to go to the gym. Like every man before him, he’d left first. Just like her mother. Like Tom.
Since Deacon’s return from his latest mission, all mystery had been removed from their relationship. It was no longer a matter of if he would leave Ellie for the second time, since emotionally he already had. For Pia, he’d become a pillar of strength and support. For Ellie, a crumbling rock on which she could never quite find adequate footing. When it came to being a father, Deacon had become everything Ellie wanted for their little girl. He’d come so close to being the same for her, so where had things gone wrong?
Oh yeah, she thought with a faint, sarcastic smile. Her mistrust and downright fear that once they learned the truth, Helen and John would leave her, like everyone else. But they hadn’t.
Could it be possible that Deacon might also be amenable to second chances? Did Ellie even tru
ly want that?
Resting her elbows on her knees, she leaned forward, cradling her face in her hands. What a mess she’d made of everything. And in the end, was she all that different from her mom or Pandora? Only Ellie’s drug of choice wasn’t booze, but mistrust.
Chapter Thirteen
On Tuesday afternoon, meeting up with Ellie at the outreach center, Deacon fastened Pia into her safety seat and kissed her forehead before shutting the car’s back door.
“If you have a sec,” he said, not entirely sure how to proceed, “I have a question for you.”
“Okay…” Something about Ellie looked off. Her eyes were red and her complexion sallow.
“With your permission, I’d like to take Pia to meet my folks.”
“In Texas?” Her gloved hand over her mouth, she stared off at the setting sun. “I—I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Why? She’s my kid, too, Ellie. I’m trying to be civilized, but if you want things to get ugly, then—”
“Take me with you.”
“To meet my folks?” He shook his head and sighed. “You know what went down between me and my dad. You know how hard this is going to be. Tossing you into the mix? Impossible.” Turning his back, he headed for the Jeep.
“Deacon, wait!” Ellie chased after him. “I think it’s great you’re making an effort with your folks. But think about it. If I’m there, I can not only help you with Pia, but if things don’t go the way you hope with your dad, I’ll be there for that, too.” She flashed a faint, almost hopeful smile. She looked so pretty with the setting sun casting a red glow to her dark hair. Before Christmas, he’d have been sorely tempted to pull her into his arms. Now? He knew falling for her all over again was akin to playing with fire. But had he ever completely un-fallen for her?
“Why are you doing this?”
“Honestly?” Head bowed, she scuffed the sole of her sneaker against the concrete curb. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not a reason, Ellie. Last thing I want is to fight with you, especially in front of Pia.” He shoved his hands in his coat pockets. His breath was starting to fog in the cold, and his throat felt achy, as if he was catching cold. Only since he’d felt fine before running into Ellie, he knew a simple virus wasn’t the problem.
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