“Yeah. Sorry.” Deacon began disassembling his rifle to clean it. “Won’t happen again.”
“Damn straight, because you’re taking leave until you figure it out. This has been going on for a week and I can’t have you possibly heading out on a mission with your head not in the game.”
“Yessir, but—”
His CO waved him off. “Don’t wanna hear it. Come back when you’re not going to get yourself or someone else killed.”
* * *
TO SAY DEACON WAS PISSED by this latest development would be a massive understatement. Ellie had already cost him his sanity. Now, his job?
He’d moved his stuff a day earlier, so spent the rest of the gloomy afternoon unpacking and cleaning carpet stains from the party. Since Deacon took back his old room, Calder now bunked in the apartment’s office on a futon. With him only twenty-three, his spine could take it better than Deacon’s.
By the time Garrett got home, Deacon felt like a caged housewife, and all but pounced on his friend the moment he’d removed his coat. “Don’t lose that just yet. Wanna go to Tipsea’s?”
He blanched. “After the fun you missed out on today, sorry man, but I’ve gotta grab some z’s.”
“What about Tristan and Calder?” Deacon could go on his own, but the bar was way more fun with friends.
“Tristan mouthed off and pulled a bonus run. He and Calder are in the midst of a bromance, so the kid stuck around to keep him company.”
“Great. So they’re probably not gonna party, either?” Deacon fell into a recliner.
“Don’t mean to get into your business, but what’s wrong with you, man?” Garrett grabbed a beer from the fridge, then popped the top.
“Regarding what?” Deacon turned on the Xbox, tossing the spare controller at Garrett when he took the chair next to him.
“Come on, man, seriously?”
Sighing, Deacon paused the game he’d only just started. “If you’re talking about Ellie, I’d prefer to avoid that topic.”
“I’m sure you would,” his friend said with a sarcastic laugh. “Trouble is, any fool could see being away from her and Pia is eating you alive. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never willingly cleaned the bathroom, but now it’s sparkly fresh. What gives?”
“Nothing. Leave it alone.” Had Deacon needed counseling, he’d have called a professional.
“I would, but there are rumblings of another trip coming up and I selfishly want you with me. That can’t happen until your head’s in a better place.”
“Oh—” Deacon snorted “—and I suppose you know where that is?”
“Don’t be stupid. I saw how happy you and Ellie were the night of our party. I’ve seen your face light up with Pia. I also saw you and Ell getting busy and—”
“Aw, you watched.” Deacon threw down his controller. “Not cool, man.”
“Relax. Once I caught a peek of your bare ass, I turned away. What happened? You two seemed like you had it all figured out.”
“I thought so, too, but then we—” he cleared his throat “—you know, and for me at least, everything changed.”
“How so?” Garrett finished off his beer.
“I couldn’t get past the guilt. Then there’s my whole screwed up family. I don’t want to bring that mess to Pia. She deserves better.”
“Like having no dad at all?”
Turning introspective, Deacon admitted, “For me, it would’ve been the lesser of two evils. You grew up in the equivalent of a perfect sitcom family. You have no idea what it was like for me.”
“Granted.” Garrett headed to the kitchen for another beer. “But Pia got a do-over with you, and you’ve got one, too, with your new dad. Take this time off and go see him—really see him. Get to know him, and maybe you’ll figure out something about yourself.”
* * *
“HAVE A SAFE TRIP.” There was so much more she wanted to say to Deacon, but as he lifted Pia into the station wagon outside the library, after their usual Thursday night together, Ellie’s mouth was dry and her heart was aching. What was wrong with him? Why couldn’t he see how perfect the three of them could be?
“I will.” He handed her a folded slip of paper. “You have my cell, but here are a few other numbers, too. You know, in case something comes up with Pia.”
“Nothing’s going to happen that I can’t handle.” The night was pleasant enough, crickets chirping and the library buzzing with activity, so why did Ellie feel so empty and unfulfilled? Why had her grief support group, which she usually found uplifting, left her melancholy and confused? The truth was, since making love with Deacon she was no longer mourning the loss of Tom, but of him. Though Deacon was still there for their daughter, for Ellie he was gone.
“You don’t know that. Just take it.”
She did, cramming the paper into her purse. “When are you coming back?” She’d almost asked when he would be home, but did he even know what a home meant?
“Not sure.”
“Okay, well…” She might’ve once given him a hug, but now she secured her purse higher on her shoulder, gripping the leather handles for dear life. If she hadn’t, she might’ve been tempted to smooth down his mussed hair, which had grown uncharacteristically long. “Have safe travels.”
He nodded. “You and the peanut stay safe, too.”
“We will.” Was he empty inside? His expression was void of emotion. If SEAL training included erasing all feeling, sign her up.
Knowing there was nothing left to say, she climbed behind the wheel of her car.
After a final, awkward wave, Deacon walked to his.
Ellie was too grounded in harsh reality to wish for Deacon to run back to her like men did in romantic movies. He’d made his choice. Her only task now was to figure out how to live with it.
* * *
“HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?” Helen asked at lunch a week after Deacon had left.
“Good,” Ellie lied, but the restaurant’s setting was so pretty, she didn’t want to ruin their time together with more moping. Crystal Garden’s wicker-and-glass dining tables had been set up in the hundred-year-old greenhouse of Fenmore Mansion, once the home of a steel tycoon, now a posh B and B. The redbrick floors provided an elegant foundation for tropical plants and birds. A tinkling trio of cherub fountains provided the perfect accompaniment to soft classical music. “But busy. You know how it is with a small child.”
Wearing a wistful smile, Helen added artificial sweetener to her iced tea. “When Tom was little, there weren’t so many outside distractions—no formalized play groups or nursery school. But we’d meet up with friends for fancy lunches in our homes. For a while, seems like all Tom and I did was dream up ways to outshine our neighbor, Peggy. I swear, that woman was nearly the death of me. If I had arrangements made of white daisies and snapdragons from the garden, she’d order white roses from the florist—a big deal back then.”
“I’ll bet.” As much as Ellie wanted to be interested, she was too distracted by the truth of how abysmal her own life had been. “E-excuse me. I need to find the restroom.”
Washing her hands a few minutes later, Ellie looked into the mirror, then did a double take. Pandora, from Friends Helping Friends, stood before her, dressed in black slacks and a crisp white blouse. Her hair was neatly pulled back, and best of all, she appeared well-rested and sober. “Hi.”
“Hey.” They shared an awkward hug.
“You work here?” Ellie asked.
; “Yeah. A friend got me the job. I’ve been at it for a month and really like it. Being around all the plants is nice.”
“You look pretty. I hate to ask, but are you—”
“Still drinking?” Pandora shrugged. “Not as much, but every day is still a struggle.”
“You could always come back to the center,” Ellie offered. “I know I couldn’t help you, but maybe someone else could.”
“Look…” Through a misty smile, Pandora said, “I know you did your best to help, but you can’t save everyone. My daughter’s with a better family. I visit her every Saturday and the house she’s in now is nicer than I could ever give her. Sure, I miss her like crazy, but that’s my issue. She’s happy, and that’s all that really matters.”
“But—”
“I don’t mean to be rude,” the woman said, “but I need to get back to work, and you need to learn to let things go. I’m in a good place. You should be, too.”
Easier said than done.
Ironic, how Ellie went to the bathroom to pull herself together, but emerged feeling worse. At least Pandora’s tables were on the opposite end of the restaurant from Ellie and Helen.
After more pointless small talk, Helen came right out and asked, “Ever going to tell me what’s really going on?”
“What do you mean?” Ellie pushed away her unfinished meal.
“You happen to love egg salad on a fresh-baked croissant, so when I see you looking at it as if it might as well be a worm, I know there’s a problem.” Softening her tone, Helen asked, “I hope there’s nothing wrong with Pia?”
“She’s great.” Was now the time to go ahead and tell all? Ellie’s meeting with Pandora had her feeling raw. As if the slightest emotional push would send her over the edge.
“Sweetheart? Are you crying?” Reaching for Ellie’s hand, Helen urged, “Please tell me what has you down.”
“I— It’s Deacon. He’s so great with Pia and I—I fell for him, only he wants nothing to do with me. I knew better, but couldn’t stop myself. I feel like such a fool. Everything’s a mess, and—”
“Shh…” Patting her shoulder, Helen told Ellie, “Deacon was always a handful. You may not want to hear this now, but I really think you not being with him is for the best.”
* * *
“YOU’VE GOT A NICE SPREAD here.” Deacon had grown to like horses on his last trip to Afghanistan. Blending in with the locals, riding had been a necessity. Now, sitting astride a palomino with seemingly all of south Texas spread before him, he should’ve been at peace. But in truth Deacon had never been more on edge. “All this space is a good thing.”
Bowie grunted.
In the few days Deacon had spent with his mom and biological father, he’d learned that his dad was a man of few words. When he did speak, it was usually only when he absolutely had to.
Bowie reined in his horse, leaning forward to smooth his paint’s mane. “You ever gettin’ to the heart of why you came all this way?”
“I thought it was for the two of us to get to know each other.”
“Might be what you told yourself, but ask me?” He adjusted his cowboy hat to shade his dark eyes. “I think there’s something more.”
“No. I’m trying to figure out where to go from here. I had a lousy childhood and now—”
“Knock that crap off.” Bowie reached into his denim shirt pocket for a can of Skoal. Pinching out a wad, he centered it between his lip and gums. “That’s a cop-out. What’s in the past is past. Not that I’ve met many SEALs, but I’m pretty sure that like my breed, yours don’t quit.” For a long time he sat silent, staring at the sun-and-shadow play on a far-off mesa. “Never told a soul, but I always hoped you and me might one day get acquainted. You probably won’t believe this, but though you didn’t know it, I’ve been with you since the day you were born.” He reached into his saddlebag, handing Deacon a metal box. “I keep more up at the house. But this is the stuff that brings me the most solace.”
Deacon took the tin, popped open the lid.
His throat tighter than it’d ever been, he fingered through newspaper clippings of his birth announcement, when he’d done good at an elementary science fair, later mentions of when he’d been in trouble with the local law. News of him joining the navy, earning his Trident and so much more. Photos of him from babyhood to the picture he’d recently sent his mom for Christmas. There were even a few snapshots of Pia.
Bowie asked, “You really prepared to be like your old man and let fear rob you of years with a good woman and your kid?”
“What do you mean?” Deacon asked hoarsely.
“I’m talking about this Ellie woman your mom tells me you’ve been mooning over. If I had it all to do over again, I’d have chucked my guilt over doing wrong by Clint and done everything within my power to move you and Peter in with me. Life’s too short for regrets, son, and now that Sally is back in my life, as much as I loved my Nancy, I’ve realized we were more friends than lovers. Please…” He caught Deacon’s gaze and held it. “I’m begging you, if there’s only one thing you learn from me, if you know in your heart this Ellie is the right gal for you, hold on to her and never let go.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Sure it is.” He spit. “Get a ring. Put it on her finger. That’s all you have to do.”
* * *
DEACON FINISHED OUT the week in Texas, the whole time wondering if his dad could be right. Had he been making his relationship with Ellie more complicated than it needed to be? How was he ever supposed to know?
He finished helping Bowie muck stalls and then sat down on the front steps of the ranch house, soaking in the afternoon sun. His old mutt, Cheesy, had come along with his mother in the move, and Deacon leaned sideways to pet the little guy. “Pretty nice here, huh?”
Deacon’s family home had been in town, near the hospital. Out here, there were no sirens, only wind. It reminded him in ways of being on the water.
Cheesy wagged his tail, then scratched behind his ear. When he yelped, Deacon checked him out to find he’d caught his nail on his collar. It was a quick fix, and soon enough Cheesy was back to doing what he did best—nap. Deacon rubbed behind his ears awhile longer, then arched to stretch his back.
Only now he was the one wincing, when something in his pocket gave him a poke.
He fished around to figure out the problem, only to find the little plastic doll Pia always carried. He remembered she’d asked him to hold it for her the last time he was with her. Looking at that toy was like stepping into a time capsule. It served as such a simple, yet sweet reminder of how good it felt to be with his girls.
He’d wondered how he would know if being with Ellie and his daughter was the right thing for them all. Here was his answer in tangible form. Ridiculous that it’d taken such a seemingly insignificant thing to bring him around, but along with that clarity came peace. A sure sign he’d finally learned it didn’t take a faultless pedigree to be a great father or husband, just love.
* * *
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING after we get out of here?” Ada asked Ellie fifteen minutes before closing the store.
“I’d like to take a nap, but I promised Pia we’d shop for Halloween.”
“Why so early?” She tossed a blouse with a broken zipper on her desk in the office. “Don’t you have almost the whole month left to shop?”
“Obviously, you don’t have kids. Think of costume shopping as if Louis Vuitton was having a half-off s
ale, but for thirty days. By the end of the sale, nothing’s left.”
“Ah,” Ada said with an exaggerated nod. “Now I understand. What’s Pia going to be?”
“Last we talked, a pumpkin or Cinderella. Maybe if we—”
“Mommy!” The boutique’s door opened and Pia raced in, hugging Ellie’s legs and jumping. “I know secret!”
“How did you get here, sweetie? Did Nana Helen bring you?” Ellie looked toward the door, only to see an enormous bouquet of red roses attached to oh-so-familiar strong legs. Deacon?
“Daddy fun! We buy flowers! He love us!”
What?
Ellie was glad when Ada slipped her arm around her for support.
“Want me to stay or go?” her friend asked.
“S-stay.” Deacon had already put Ellie through so much. Early on in their relationship, she’d been the one hurting him, but now? Emotionally, she’d become one big bruise.
“How’s it going?” He set the roses on the counter. The rich scent enveloped her. He’d been gone only a week, yet her pulse raced as if he’d been off on another mission.
“Daddy, ring yet?” Ring? Pia was still jumping.
“Listen, uh…” Deacon looked at Ada. “Do you mind? I could use some privacy.”
“Yeah, well, my friend could use some stability.” The former model was nearly taller than him, and Ellie had her doubts as to who would win in a shouting match.
Ellie lifted Pia, settling her little girl on her hip. “Ada, I’ll be all right, if you wouldn’t mind handling closing?”
“Sure?” her friend asked.
Ellie nodded.
Deacon said, “My being here is no doubt a surprise, huh?”
“Yeah.” Not in the mood for awkward small talk or games, she gestured for him to hurry up with whatever he felt he had to say. “Plus, Pia and I have a big night planned, so we need to get going. Thanks, though, for picking her up.”
“You’re not making this easy.”
“What, Deacon? What could we possibly talk about that we haven’t already been over a dozen times?”
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