by Kaia Knight
He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. The Kailani he saw leaping into the ocean, eyes dancing as she laughed, the heat of her lips so close to his, was a startling contrast to the subdued Kailani with the vacant expression he had seen at practice lately.
Every day, she was the first one in the water and the last one out. She would watch her teammates leave practice, chatting and laughing, and a brief shadow would flicker in her eyes before she turned to continue swimming. Whenever Gabriel saw that vulnerability flash across her face, he wished he could pull her close and comfort her.
The office door flew open and Gabriel yelped as he jerked upright, the pen skidding across the page.
“Morning, Gabe!” his dad said with a grin as he elbowed the door shut behind him. “Did I scare you?” He stepped in the office and set a box down on the desk in front of Gabriel. “Pre-swim meet tradition!” He opened the lid and hovered his hand over the box before grabbing a powdery donut and took a large bite.
Leaning forward to peek over the lid, Gabriel nodded in approval. “Double chocolate with sprinkles?”
Steve’s eyes crinkled as he put a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder, stepping beside him. “How could I forget your favorite?” His gaze locked on the packet of paper under Gabriel’s forearm. “How’s the heat sheet coming along?”
Gabriel glanced down, and a jolt shot through him as the name Kailani jumped out at him, etched deeply with a pen that had traced the name over and over. “I—uh, let me see…” He shuffled the papers, covering up her name as he flipped to the front page. Shit. What am I, a schoolgirl doodling my crush’s name? “Yeah, there were just two more events I’m not sure about,” he said, pointing to the list on the first page.
“Give ‘em to Kailani,” Steve said, white powder puffing from his lips as he spoke.
“Don’t you think she already has enough events? She’s swimming way more than any of the other girls and will hardly have any rest between each swim.”
“She can handle it. We’ve been working hard, building up her endurance.”
“She’s been working hard. Too hard, Dad. I think it might be a little much, you saw how sick she was this morning. You’ve kept her late after every practice this week.”
Steve eyed him over his glasses. “I’ve been the head coach here for nine years. And before that, a lifetime of turning those weak-kneed Naval Academy boys into swimming machines. I’ve coached hundreds of others just like Kailani. I know her type. You need to push her beyond her threshold, break down her attachment to feeling safe. I have a process— don’t you trust me?”
Gabriel steeled himself, standing straighter. “Well, yeah, but you have to admit you tend to put a lot of pressure on your swimmers. Some of them just break.”
“Pressure is what makes us all better. Without it, we become weak.” Steve’s eyes flicked towards Gabriel, a slight frown tugging at his lip.
Is that directed at me?
Gabriel pressed his hands into the table, standing abruptly and tucking the heat sheet in his pocket before his dad could say anything else.
Steve cleared his throat, rummaging in his bag as he grabbed his whistle and clipboard. “Oh, by the way, I invited Coach Chantall to practice today since she’ll be at the swim meet this weekend.”
Great. He tugged off his ball cap and dragged a hand through his hair, peering through the blinds that faced the pool deck. Sure enough, Chantall was standing in the middle of a throng of chatting swimmers, her bright blonde hair framing her tanned face. His stomach tightened. The last time they had spoken was almost a year ago, before he abruptly left the swim season early. Before everything changed.
Taking a deep breath, he strode to the door and wrenched it open, a wave of humidity hitting him as he marched onto the deck where the team congregated. Chantall’s eyes locked onto his as he approached the team.
“Hi Gabe!” She extended her arms for a hug, and he had no choice but to step into her embrace. His face grew hot and he drew back, her hand like a searing iron where it lingered on his arm. It was clear she planned on picking up where they last left off.
“Hey Chantall.” He gave her a vague smile as he scanned the deck for Kailani anxiously. She was already pulling on her swim cap and toeing the edge of the water.
Steve emerged from the office and clapped his hands, drawing the attention of the team.
“Afternoon, ladies! For those of you new this year, I’d like for you to meet Coach Chantall. She’s been the assistant coach for the men’s team for the last few years but stepped up to help us out this past spring too. She was a swimmer herself, former team captain. You may recognize her name from all the records on the board.” He pointed up at the wall by the scoreboard and shot her a look of approval. “She’ll be our chaperone this weekend for the meet, staying in the hotel with you and keeping you all in line.”
Chantall tucked her hair behind her ear and waved at the freshman and transfer girls. “Hey, ladies! I’m looking forward to cheering you on this weekend!”
As the team split off into their lanes, there was a buzz of excitement in anticipation of their first swim meet. Chantall strolled towards Gabriel, and he busied himself with explaining the workout to the girls, taking extra time to walk through all the drills with exaggerated hand motions. When the entire team was swimming their warm-up set, he could not pretend to be preoccupied any longer. He turned towards Chantall and shoved his hands in his pockets.
She was biting her lip, her head tilted to the side as she appraised him. “It’s good to see you back, Gabe. We missed you during spring season.”
“Thanks. It’s good to be back.” He cleared his throat and looked around, not wanting to talk about his absence, which would lead to more difficult questions. He was grateful when one of the swimmers flagged him with a question, and he hurried over to demonstrate the new technique they were focusing on.
Practice dragged on slowly, and he was stiff under the weight of Chantall’s warm, dark eyes wherever he turned. But his gaze was always pulled towards the first lane. Kailani swam gracefully, like a dancer gliding across a stage. But when she stopped at the wall to catch her breath, the illusion of the show was over as she began to cough violently. Gabriel gravitated towards her, crouching by the side of the lane.
“Kai, you okay?” She was coughing too hard to answer. “Why don’t you hop out and go grab a drink?” She nodded and croaked a thank-you before using the ladder to exit the pool, slumping towards the locker rooms. Gabriel watched her retreat and crossed his arms.
He paced the length of the pool waiting for her return, but almost ten minutes had gone by and she still had not appeared. Gabriel hesitated, then approached Chantall. “Hey, would you mind checking the locker room? Kailani looked pretty sick and headed in there a while ago.”
Chantall’s eyes lit up. “Sure! Glad I can do something; I feel so useless just standing here.” She turned on her heel and strode towards the dark hallway. She returned a few moments later with a grim Kailani trailing behind her. Kailani walked past Gabriel before hopping in the pool, and without surfacing, pushed off the wall, and immediately began swimming.
Chantall sauntered up to Gabriel and leaned in close, lowering her voice. “I found her just laying on the bench, half asleep. Does she usually duck out in practice like this?” Her tone was colored with disapproval, and Gabriel shifted, drawing away from her.
“No. She doesn’t. She’s sick, and Dad keeps pushing her, keeping her late after practice every day in preparation for the meet. I don’t see what good it does if she’s so exhausted that she won’t be able to swim this weekend.”
“I’m sure he’s doing what he thinks is best—” Chantall’s protest was interrupted by Steve’s voice echoing across the pool deck.
“Kailani!” Steve barked. “Your flip turns are still looking sloppy—you need to get off the wall sharper. You’re losing too much time.”
“Sorry, Coach,” Kailani said dully, glancing at the clock as she waited for
her next interval.
Chantall and Gabriel exchanged a knowing glance. “Okay, so he’s a little intense. Always has been. During my senior year, he threw a fake spider on me five minutes before my race because I needed to dig deep from a place of ‘primal fear’.” Chantall shook her head, laughing loudly as she bumped up against Gabriel’s arm.
Gabriel felt the magnetic pull to look towards lane one and found Kailani’s cool, grey eyes watching them. She turned away, pushing off the wall and kicking harder than before.
The rest of the team finished their sets early, climbing out of the pool and stretching, Steve cleared his throat to gather everyone’s attention. “Ladies—remember, no morning practice tomorrow, and you are exempt from your afternoon classes. The bus will be here at noon, Coaches Chantall and Gabriel will be riding with you. I’ll see you all on Saturday morning, get some good rest! Dismissed! Except you, Kailani…” He turned towards where Kailani still stood in the water, her elbows resting on the ledge.
“Yes, sir,” she said with a mock salute, taking a long pull from her water bottle before coughing again.
The other girls lingered on the pool deck, some looking uncertainly at Kailani as they ambled to the locker room. Gabriel heard them muttering as they disappeared but could not catch what they were saying.
Steve clapped his hands loudly, rubbing them together. “Alright, let’s practice some dives. Out of the water and behind the starting blocks, Kailani! Let’s start with freestyle.”
Gabriel glanced at his watch and bit his lip. He jogged to the side of the pool where his dad stood eagerly with a stopwatch and starting buzzer in his hand. “Hey Dad, I gotta go. You won’t keep her much longer, will you?”
“We’ll be here until we get it right. Where are you going?” Steve asked with a frown. “That’s the third time this week you’ve left early.”
“Well, technically, practice is over. You’re just keeping Kailani late.”
“That didn’t answer my question. What are you up to?”
Gabriel sighed. “I have an appointment, Dad.”
Steve looked like he was debating continuing the interrogation, but he waved his hand dismissively. “Fine, but I’ll call you later and we can finalize the heat sheet, okay? I have to submit the roster to the swim meet officials by tomorrow morning.”
“Sure,” Gabriel said, turning to leave, bumping into Chantall who had been right behind him. “Woah, sorry!”
Chantall laughed it off. “Hey, I’ll walk you out since I’m done here anyway. Thanks for having me, Coach Steve. Seeya Saturday!” She waved her fingers delicately at him before turning and heading towards the exit.
Gabriel followed Chantall, looking over his shoulder as he walked through the double doors. Kailani climbed onto the diving board, her toes curling around the edge of the block. The door slammed behind him as he heard a sharp buzzer and the splash of her dive.
Chantall and Gabriel walked out of the aquatic facility into the bright afternoon sunlight. The air was still and sharp, without a cloud in the sky.
Chantall twirled around, smiling broadly. “Hey! Do you want to get a bite to eat? I’d love to catch up.”
“Uh, sorry… I really do have an appointment.” He jerked his thumb towards the pathway that led to campus.
“I thought you were just saying that to get away,” she said with a wry grin. “Oh well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Gabe.”
“Yeah, seeya.” Gabriel turned and strolled along the winding campus pathways, shooting off a text before burying his hands into his pockets. He could not stop thinking about Kailani’s expression of defeat, how her face hardened as she looked at Chantall and him. He glanced at his watch, wishing he could give her a ride home from practice. With a sigh, he walked up the metal ramp that led towards the cold, imposing doors of the health building. He yanked the door open and made his way down the deserted halls, fluorescent lights flickering on half a second too late as he walked beneath them.
When he reached the last door on the left, he rapped twice below the heavy placard labeled ‘Dr. Melbourne’ before entering. He wiped his sweating palms on his jeans, wanting to turn and run rather than bare his soul for a man with a clipboard who wanted to drag every painful memory out of him, prodding it until it bled. Will this ever get easier?
Chapter 23
Kailani
Samantha was fully dressed, sitting on the bench when Kailani walked in after practice. “You look horrible,”
“Gee, thanks,” Kailani croaked, swallowing painfully as she set her bag down on the bench and rifled through it, tugging out her shampoo and conditioner.
Samantha shook her head earnestly. “You know what I mean. Coach Steve has kept you late every day this week, and you’ve been coughing all over us for the last two days.”
“Sorry, I’ll try and hold my breath,” Kailani turned to walk towards the showers.
Samantha stood and grabbed her arm. “Kailani, wait. I want to talk to you.”
Kailani whirled around, wrenching herself from Samantha's grip. “Why are you so interested all of a sudden? You’ve seemed content pretending I don’t exist.”
“Well, you don’t exactly make it easy to talk!”
Kailani laughed in disbelief, crossing her arms as she looked at Samantha. “Are you kidding me?”
Samantha extended a hand, gesturing up and down Kailani’s stance. “It’s that, being all aloof. Like you’re better than us.”
Kailani’s mouth dropped open. “I’m sorry, am I missing something here? If I recall correctly, it was you guys who hazed me from day one. Was I supposed to bake you a batch of cookies and say thank you for the warm welcome?”
Samantha flinched, a frown tugging at her earnest expression. “Well…yeah, some of the senior girls tried to rally the team to join in on that. But I tried to make them stop. I went and took the bag from them, but you had already left. Then the next morning, I’m the one who gave it back to you, remember?”
Kailani shifted, her brows furrowing. “Yeah, I remember that…I just kinda figured everyone was in on it. And it seems like since that day, everyone has been ignoring me.”
“Well, definitely the seniors. I honestly don’t know what their deal is…But I’ve tried to talk to you and you just walk right by in stony silence. And Latisha said she and her roommates offered you a ride home last week, but you just rolled your eyes and ignored them.”
Kailani blinked, rooted in place. “Oh. I thought they were mocking me because I don’t have a car.”
“Not everyone is out to get you, Kailani.”
Kailani opened her mouth, but no sound came out. There was a hitch in her chest, like the time she had knocked the wind out of herself.
Samantha’s expression softened. “You run so much on top of swimming. It’s honestly hard watching you wear yourself down, I’m kinda worried about you.”
She’s worried about me? I didn’t think anybody even saw me. Kailani looked over Samantha’s shoulder at the large wall-to-wall mirrors. She had dark circles under her eyes, and a permanent crease etched between her eyebrows.
“You can talk to me,” Samantha said softly. “What’s going on?”
Kailani felt the grip on her emotions begin to loosen, her already sore throat tightening as tears threatened to spill over. Hold it together. Don’t let her see you like this. But the pressure in her head began to build, and the dull headache that had plagued her for the past week grew to a pounding insistence.
“I’m so tired,” Kailani said, her pent-up anguish bursting forth. “I get up at the crack of dawn, run six miles, then have classes all day—and I’m taking twenty credit hours so I graduate on time. Then after our second practice, I have to run another six miles back home, where I have to work for at least an hour for my internship, then I have mountains of homework that keeps me up past midnight.” She sank onto the bench and pressed the heel of her hands over her eyes, trying to contain the bitter flow of tears.
“Then I come here an
d it’s like I’m a ghost. Nobody talks to me, but I hear the whispers…And now Coach Steve is keeping me after every practice, pushing me harder and harder. It’s like he wants me to snap.” Her voice broke off, choked by a sob, and her head fell in her hands.
Samantha sat down next to Kailani, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as her body shook with sobs. “I had no idea you were going through all this. You always seem so confident.”
“Confident? Yeah right. I’m so alone. I honestly dread coming to practice every day.”
“Hey, you’re not alone. You have me. And Latisha. And probably most of the others, if you’d just let your guard down,” Samantha nudged Kailani’s shoulder, and sat beside her as the flow of tears subsided.
Kailani gave her a weak smile. “Thanks, Samantha. And I’m sorry. I’m not good at...this.” She pointed between the two of them. “Even on my last team, it just felt like everyone hated me from day one, so I guess I got used to doing my own thing.”
“It’s because you’re fast.” Samantha shrugged. “Some girls will always be threatened by that, but you can’t just close yourself off completely because of it.”
Kailani nodded, and the grip on her lungs began to loosen. She took a deep, cleansing breath as Samantha stood and gathered her swim bag.
“Feel better and let me know if you need anything. See you on the bus tomorrow, Kai.” Samantha gave her a hesitant smile before turning towards the locker room exit, leaving Kailani alone with her thoughts.
She walked towards the shower, shaking her head. What just happened? Weeks of silence, then this? Samantha had seemed genuine, but doubt crept its way in. As she stood in the steamy warmth of the water, Kailani tried to see the version of herself that Samantha had described. Am I the one who has been pushing people away? There’s no way I imagined all those dirty looks, the silent treatment from the other girls…maybe she just wanted me to open up so she could humiliate me.
