by Sue Allerton
“Please, don’t ask how I’m doing” she snapped with closed eyes as the clenched her hand around her pen. He recoiled slightly but leant back in.
“I was going to ask if you wanted to borrow my notebook? You know, to catch up on?” he asked and she looked at him with wide, brown eyes.
“I’m sorry, just all people seem to ask is ‘are you okay?’” she frowned as she folded her arms, covering up the front cover of her notebook, covered with doodled lady bugs.
“Don’t be daft, no need to apologise” he answered with a warm smile. He didn’t feel negative toward her, just as he thought, she was beginning to feel suffocated.
“Would you mind if I borrowed your book?” she asked offering her best attempt at a smile. He nodded and handed it to her. He carried on writing notes on his laptop.
“What are you doing after class?” he asked her, he didn’t remember thinking about asking her. He couldn’t deny she was pretty. She was a tortured soul, he just wanted to make her feel better. That’s what he told himself at least.
“I was going to go home, why?” she asked back, smiling a wonky smile, it looked as if those muscles hadn’t been used in years and so she had forgotten how to use them.
“Well, you’ve come in half way through the course, I mean in theory you should be starting from this point, I was going to ask if you wanted to go over a few things?” he asked and she nodded.
“My father is making me take three years’ worth of tuition in one, I have hardly any time to myself but he says I’m almost at the age where if I start from scratch I’ll find it hard to get a job” she shrugs “After class sounds good” she smiled. He was surprised at that and just grinned back. Just then his phone buzzed. A text from Elise ‘I miss you’. Three simple words that can cause so much damage. He wondered why now? She had ignored him for weeks but now all a sudden she missed him? He shook his head and shoved the phone, text unanswered, back in his pocket.
He was surprised by how much Molly really knew. Considering she had been missing for years.
“I’m sorry, forgive me for asking and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want, but how do you know so much about this?” he asked and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat for the first time since they had been sat in the coffee shop.
“We were given books to read, not just history books, math, literature, the list went on. It was a luxury” she explained but that was as far as she was willing to go. Her eyes started to well but she took a deep breath and steadied herself. He thought she was the bravest person he’d ever met.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it” he said, he went to put a hand on her shoulder but she flinched and apologised immediately.
“It was mainly Greek mythology books. The eyes were scratched out of the Gods’ faces, all apart from Nyx and Eris” she said with a confused look on her face.
“Eris? The Goddess of Discord?” he questioned feeling equally as confused as she looked.
“Yeah…it was strange, so many different representations of her, I mean it’s not like she was even one of the main Gods, why would someone leave her pictures whole?” she wondered, he thought she was mainly talking to herself. They talked for hours and hours, not always about history either. He found that whenever he spoke about himself, she would relax and tell him a tiny bit more about what happened to her. He knew there were loads of them over the years all kept in one room, he knew many of them died. He shuddered thinking about what happened and stopped himself. The more he thought about it the more pity he felt for her, he didn’t want to pity her, he wanted her to be as strong as she made herself out to be. They exchanged numbers and he told her she could text him whenever she wanted, she smiled that wonky smile and limped down the sidewalk.
That night at work he found it difficult to really concentrate. He thought Molly was great and he thought she had begun to relax around him. He hoped so, she told him she doesn’t really have anyone she could talk to and that she felt better after only sharing a few things with him. He wanted to help her get over her issues. He didn’t want to date her, he felt she wasn’t ready for anything like that. He wanted a friend, he felt like they could both use a friend. Connor hadn’t really spoken to him since the night Axel lied to him about going to work.
He was in the kitchen when he heard the bell ring. He went back out into the dining area to see a woman with bright red hair sat in one of the booths. He walked over to the table and he couldn’t help himself, he smiled at her.
“Hello stranger” she beamed at him with a dazzling smile.
“Hi, whiskey again?” he asked and her eyes dances mischievously.
“No thank you, want to go out after?” she asked, he wanted to say no. He knew he had class in the morning and he knew he would be late. But he had missed her too, he knew it was stupid since he barely knew her; but he just couldn’t help himself.
“Sure, we’re closing in a minute, wait here?” he asked her and she nodded eagerly.
“Who’s the girl?” Jacob asked as Axel walked back into the kitchen, the chefs had left and he was waiting for Jacob to leave so he could lock up.
“Just a girl I know” he answered vaguely. Jacob made a comment under his breath and left with his bag over his shoulder. Axel was changing in the back; he had pulled his jeans on which hung on his hips. The door opened as he took off his shirt to replace it with a band T-shirt. Elise stood there with one eyebrow raised and her arms crossed. He felt uncomfortable and he went to put his shirt on when she crossed the room to him and placed her hands on his chest. She leant her head down onto his skin and wrapped her arms around his waist. He hugged her back and they stood there for a while. She moved her chin so it rested on his shoulder. He kissed the top of her head and she giggled slightly. She stepped away to allow him to put his T-shirt on, he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He didn’t even think about kissing her, he just did, he didn’t regret it though.
The two left the restaurant, Elise slipped her hand into his and he didn’t even think about pulling away.
“How come you didn’t answer my text?” she asked and he chuckled slightly, she shot him a quick sour pout before easing back into a smile.
“Why didn’t you answer mine?” he questioned and she was silent for a moment.
“I guess I thought I was doing the right thing? Trying to come out of your life and not ruin it” she shrugged as she let go of his hand and shoved them back in her coat pockets. He thought about it for a moment, he knew there was a lot he didn’t know about her, but how much could she be keeping from him? The way she spoke made it seem as if she was a horrible person and that he was better off without him. His mind ran away with him and made up ridiculous stories as to what she could have done. Stole a car? Beat someone up? What’s the worst thing she could have possibly done to make her think so low of herself? He realized she needed to trust him as much as he needed to trust her, maybe he would ask her one day why she always said she didn’t want to ruin things for him, but he was content with just walking down the street with her.
“So what made you decide to come see me?” he asked and she grinned, her breath making vapour in the chilly December night.
“I missed the banter” she winked and began skipping down the street. He pulled his jacket up around his neck, he seemed a lot colder than she did.
“Well, your text didn’t say ‘banter’” he mocked and she turned to him, open mouthed and playful eyed.
“Hey, at least I actually said I missed you” she teased and nudged him in the ribs with her shoulder lightly. He draped his arm over her shoulders and he noticed she nestled her head onto his chest for a second.
“I missed you too” he muttered, shocked by the truth of it. Shocked by how comfortable he was to even say it out loud, and so casually. He chuckled to himself and she looked at him, puzzled.
“So, where are we going?” he asked
“I thought we could hang out at Bodleys? She suggested, he didn’t want t
o go drinking, not when he knew he had class in the morning.
“I’ve got a better idea” he smirked and she followed him like a puppy. They walked through the dimly lit streets, old townhouses lined each side of the road. The doors with brass plaques nailed to them which gleamed in the streetlights. They all had bushes out front with various flowers that he didn’t even recognise. It was the more upscale part of town, even some of the students rented these houses, must have cost them an arm and a leg. He wondered where Elise lived, what kind of place she had. He knew she had a lot of money, would it be posh and grand? Or quaint and modest? He didn’t know, not that he really cared, how she lived was her business, she knew he didn’t have much but yet she’s still there, why would it have been any different for him?
They drew close and music began to play loudly in the distance. It got louder and louder as they carried on walking, Elise got more and more excited by the minute. The winter festival was in town. Fair ground rides, the sound of people screaming as they got whirled around in the freezing night air. The smell of pork and burgers lingered in their noses. Colourful lights dazzled them as they walked through the gates with plastic reindeer on either side. They ate greasy burgers and rode some of the rides. Screaming with everyone else. Once they had been on everything, Axel asked her what next. It was two in the morning, but he was having too much fun to go back.
“Want to go for a real ride?” she winked, before he could answer she was leading him away from the festival and heading down a dark alley. He was nervous. Where was she taking him? What was she going to do? They stopped in front of a large metal sliding door. She unlocked the padlock at the bottom and the door slide upward. It was dark inside, she switched the light on and it illuminated six very expensive cars and motorbikes. The one that caught his eye the most was a Ford Mustang GT V8.
“How do you have all these? They must have cost a fortune” he said quietly as he ran his fingers over the glossy black paint of the Mustang.
“They’re my family’s cars, do you want to drive it?” she asked with a twinkle in her eye. He looked to her with wide eyes full of nerves and excitement. He had only ever driven his mum’s car and the car he learnt to drive in, he couldn’t afford his own. She tossed him the keys and he got into the driver seat. She hopped in the passenger side with a huge smile stretched from ear to ear. The engine roared loudly as he turned the key, as soon as he put his foot on the throttle it jerked forward and stalled. It was so sensitive. His cheeks flamed with embarrassment, Elise stayed quiet and let him sort it out himself. The next time he fired it up he wrapped both hands around the wheel and eased off the clutch gently, the car purred as it left the garage. Elise jumped out and shut the garage door, she was all smiles when she got back in. Axel was careful, he took the corners slowly and drove below the speed limit. All the while he thought the car just wanted to go, it sounded loud as if it just wanted to tear the streets up. Elise sighed heavily, but happily. He glanced at her before keeping his gaze directly on the road.
“You can go faster, you won’t hurt it” she teased and he turned to her, he didn’t want her to think he was scared of it, even though he was. They stopped at the next set of lights and a little old car pulled up next to them with three young boys inside, the music pounded and the engine strained with the modified parts in it. They all started shouting to Axel, wanting to race. He thought maybe he should just let them go. He wanted to show Elise he too had a wild side. Not an extreme wild side, but maybe driving a car a little faster than the speed limit would be okay? He revved the engine and it growled hungrily, the little car next to them did the same thing. The lights turned orange and Axel put his foot down, not to the floor, he still wanted to respect the car. The little car took off too, but it was far too slow to keep up with the Mustang. The beast shot down the road and Elise squealed with excitement. Adrenaline rushed through Axel’s veins and he pressed the accelerator harder. He slowed down slightly for a corner but the back end kicked out, going around the corner sideways, the wheels screeched in protest but Axel was enjoying it too much. He did it again and again, getting braver and braver, trusting the car more and more as the seconds ticked by.
“This exciting enough for you?” he asked loudly so she could hear him over the sound of the engine. She laughed and screamed as he flung them around another corner before thundering down the street.
“I had no idea you could drive like that!” she shouted, he eased off then, being close to the garage he headed back. “Where are you going?” she asked, he told her he was taking it back and she shook her head. “No way, you and this car have a connection, hang onto it for a while” she grinned and he stopped at the side of the street.
“You’re not serious?” he asked in disbelief, not only was it an expensive car, it wasn’t even her car to give.
“I’m not letting you keep it, but you can borrow it for a while, I know you like it, it’s just standing there going to waste” she explained and he nodded. He didn’t want her to give him stuff, but he did love the car. He was only borrowing it after all, what’s the harm in that? He agreed and he drove back to his apartment building, he parked it in the car park around the back of the building and looked around nervously. It looked very out of place, surrounded by KA’s and Aygo’s, they weren’t exactly in the same league.
“It’ll be fine” she smiled as they made their way back around the front of the building.
“Do you want to come up for a coffee?” he asked as they stood outside facing each other holding hands, he didn’t even notice how cold it was.
“Sure” she whispered and they went inside. For a moment he was embarrassed, he couldn’t believe he just invited her up to his tiny studio apartment. He didn’t want her to think less of him, but at the same time, she already knew he didn’t have much.
She looked around and shrugged out of her jacket, hanging it up on the back of the door. She looked down at the bed and for a moment Axel thought he saw her blush. He made two mugs of coffee, even though it was three in the morning.
They sat on the sofa together and watched an old Tarantino movie, it was her idea. He hung his arm over her shoulders and she cuddled into his side. He began to fall asleep, his breathing slowed and became heavier and his lids fluttered as he slept. He felt her move closer to him, he felt her fingers run through his hair and her forehead press against his cheek. He felt her lips graze his neck and trail along his jawline. He wasn’t asleep anymore and he was glad of that. He wrapped his arms around her and she gasped slightly in surprise. He kissed her cheek, edging closer and closer to her lips. She seemed hesitate, he backed off, pulling away smiling he sat there and waited for her to nestle back into his side. Instead, she placed one hand on either side of his face and pulled herself in closer to him. She pressed her lips lightly to his. He let her choose whether to go any further, to kiss longer, he didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. To his surprise and delight, she deepened the kiss. He pulled away, he could feel his willpower beginning to crack and he didn’t want to rush things or make her feel like he was only after one thing.
“Come on, you can sleep in the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch” he muttered as she rested her head back down onto his chest. She nodded and moved to stand up, he made sure she was warm and grabbed one of the pillows and spare blankets and slept on the couch.
“Goodnight Axel” she whispered just as he was drifting off. He groaned back at her and she giggled quietly. He fell asleep, and dreamed of black and white.
***
Chapter 5
That was the best night of her life. She had never felt so alive. She thought it was strange how this man had become such a big part of her life, when only the other day was she trying to forget about him. She didn’t want to go back into his life, not really. She tried to resist the urge to text him, call him or see him. But in the end she found it too difficult. She saw him talking with another girl, a blonde haired girl. She didn’t see her face, but it was enough to make her jealou
s. She had never felt jealousy before and when she felt it, she felt as if her heart was breaking in two. She lay in his bed, his pillow smelled of him and she smiled to herself as her lay on the couch, snoring as loud as the Mustangs engine had roared. She had been impressed with how good a driver her was. She knew he could drive, but she didn’t know he had such hidden talent, as she thought about it, she thought maybe he surprised himself. Adrenaline was running high, was that why he invited her up? On a whim? She didn’t know but she really didn’t care. She was going to invite him back to hers, but she remembered what was in her basement. He could decide to get a glass of water during the night and walk through the wrong door. What if he saw what was down there? He would never even look at her again. Not that she could blame him for that, she was a monster and she knew that. She had come to terms with that and accepted it long ago. But would he, a decent human being accept it? She didn’t think so. He was too good, too kind to want something to do with such a person if he knew the truth. For now, though, she was enjoying his company. When she kissed him she had never felt anything like it. She felt as if her heart soared and she wanted it to last. She was disappointed when he said he was going to sleep on the couch, but maybe it was a good thing? She didn’t want to do anything either of them would regret. She knew she was in too deep already, she knew she was doing the wrong thing. She knew she was going to end up ruining him, but her desire for him was too strong and she couldn’t resist it. She couldn’t stop herself from seeing him, no matter how much she wanted to. She wanted to clear her head. She got up out of the bed and found a notebook and a pen on the kitchen counter. She wrote a note for him, kissed him on the cheek and left.
