He backtracked in his mind and replayed Russ’s words.
“You don’t need my permission to date Erin Jacobs.” The obvious came out in a growl.
“And I wasn’t asking for it.” Russ studied him a minute longer, then held out his hand. “Just making sure I wasn’t stepping into your space. As long as the path is clear—”
Travis shook his hand and resisted the urge to break it, which would have been juvenile and pointless no matter how good it might have felt. Then he walked back to his truck and sat there, wondering how things had reached this point.
He watched Russ walk to the parking lot and unlock a hot-rod Mustang—a Mustang! Is that what he thought he would take Erin out in? The image was the last straw.
He stepped out in front of Russ pulling on to the street and held up his hand in a stop symbol.
Russ rolled down his window, lowering the music that had been cranked to an ear-splitting decibel. “Forget something?”
“Who Erin dates is her business, but you do realize she is taking care of an infant?”
“Sure. We talked about Joshua. I’m cool with that.”
Travis cringed at the slang, told himself not to judge, and tried to think over the muffler’s roar.
“What I’m saying is you might want to take some time to think about this before you start anything.” When Russ looked at him blankly, he rushed on, trying to find the right combination of logic and advice. “She’s a woman with responsibilities, not some girl from high school.”
“Bro, I haven’t been in high school in four years, and Erin is definitely no girl.”
The pain radiating up Travis’s jaw was a testament to his self-control. He nodded curtly and stepped back from the car. As he watched the Mustang pull away, he felt older than he had in a long time.
He wanted to pull Russ Lawson out of the car and give him a good thrashing. Why? He’d done nothing more than act like a boy.
Or was it because he’d seen himself in comparison to a twenty-two year old?
Perhaps it was because he’d realized Erin was Russ’s age and not his own.
Walking back to his Blazer, he told himself Erin was nothing like Russ. She probably wouldn’t even be interested in dating him.
If she was, he had no one to blame but himself.
Thirty-Five
Travis stepped out of the Blazer, stood watching Erin brush the paint horse, and considered his best approach. From the way she studiously refused to meet his eyes or offer any greeting, he suspected his one chance of success would be a direct attack.
Wincing at the choice of words in his mind, he walked toward her.
“Afternoon.”
“Since we didn’t have a scheduled visit today, I’m assuming this is a surprise one. Josh is in the house with a sitter. You’re welcome to go and check.” She moved around the big horse, conveniently turning her back toward him.
Though he had no one to blame for the cold shoulder but himself, he couldn’t help bristling over her abrupt manner. At the same time he had to admire the view. She wore a work shirt the color of the yellow flowers growing near the fence, tucked into well-fitted jeans, which in turn were stuffed into a pair of scuffed work boots.
In other words, she looked like everything he wanted.
Something tightened in his chest, and he fought to find a way past it. He hadn’t seen her since Sunday, and it had taken all the reserve he could muster. He was not going to let her sassy attitude get the best of him.
“Actually, this isn’t an official visit. I had another stop on this side of town and thought I’d drop by.”
She turned then, looked him straight in the eye, and challenged the lie. “I’m past the end of town, and you should have called first.”
He stepped closer and caught the scent of baby shampoo. Putting his hand on the head of the horse, he considered and rejected a few more reasons he could offer up for the visit. Finally, he settled for the truth. “I miss you.”
Her brown eyes softened, and her hand stilled on the brush. For a moment he thought his honesty would be enough. Then she tossed her head as if to shake off her feelings and moved around the paint, putting the animal between them.
“You don’t play fair.” She brushed the horse vigorously, each stroke brisk as she ticked off her points. “You lay out your plan, convince me it’s the best way—”
“You agreed.”
“Yes. I did agree.” She pointed the brush up at him, and he took a step back. “I’m not finished though. I agreed with you that we shouldn’t see each other except on a professional basis, that we wouldn’t call each other, and that I should reengage in whatever passes for a social life in this town.”
She punctuated each word with quick brush strokes.
The paint flicked its tail, and Travis couldn’t help feeling pity for the animal at the same time he envied it. At least she had her hands on the horse, her eyes intensely studying it. Yes, he would readily trade places.
“I followed your rules to a T.” She stopped brushing and finally looked up at him, a frown on her face.
He met her eyes. “Yes. You did.”
“But you show up every time I turn around. Do you know what that feels like?” She dropped her gaze to the brush and began to curry the horse again. “When you walk into a room, it’s as if all the oxygen is suddenly sucked out, and I don’t know why. I turn around, and there you are. I see you, and I forget why we’re doing this.” Her hand stilled on the brush as tears filled her eyes.
Travis watched her, waited for her to recover, and felt his own pulse accelerate.
Told himself he shouldn’t have come, should have stuck to the plan.
Told himself to walk away.
Instead, he walked around the horse, took the brush out of her trembling hand, and pulled her into his arms.
“I’m sorry. I keep doing this wrong. I’m sorry.”
The moment she slipped into his arms, the ache in his chest stopped. He could finally draw a deep breath for the first time in two weeks. It didn’t matter anymore that he’d broken their rules, or that they’d have to start all over.
All that mattered was she was in his arms.
She didn’t sob and didn’t protest.
She only buried her face in his shirt.
He ran his hands through her curls, rubbed her back, and when he couldn’t resist any longer he eased her back, framed her face with his thumbs, and kissed her.
Gently, softly, trying to convey all he’d locked inside since the last time he’d held her.
When she pulled away, she was half laughing and swiping at the unshed tears in her eyes. “If you think you’re forgiven, I’m still undecided.”
“I can live with that.”
“Come on, Jacks. Let’s put you to bed.”
He followed her to the horse stall. Helped her close up the barn for the night. By now the chores felt like second nature.
As she turned to walk from the barn, he pulled her back into its cover and tried to wrap his arms around her again. She pulled away, stepping out into the dying light.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
She walked to the fence and put her hands against it as if for support. When he started to follow her, she turned, holding up her hands. “Stay there, Travis. Please.”
“Talk to me.”
She pulled in her bottom lip and hugged her arms around herself. Seeing her that way, in what little light remained, he was reminded again of how vulnerable she was and how strong she was. Erin Jacobs was a lesson in contradictions, part of the reason his mind and heart were constantly spinning.
Just as he knew that he was supposed to stay away, but he needed to be with her.
“I’m glad you came by. I needed to know I wasn’t imagining what I’m feeling—”
“What we’re feeling.” It came out with more of a rumble than he intended, but something in her tone didn’t sit well with him. How did he know he didn’t like where this was headed?
“Okay. Right.” She tucked some curls behind her ear, and he wanted to offer to do that for her. Then she re-crossed her arms, not in a defensive posture like women sometimes did, but tighter—clutching her ribs—as if she needed to hold herself together.
“It helps to know that.” She smiled, and it was one of the saddest things he’d ever seen.
He closed the distance between them in three steps. When he reached out and touched her arm, she began to shake.
“Erin, don’t—”
“Let me finish. I need to do this. You made the rules. You said this charade of our only knowing each other professionally was important so I can take care of Joshua, so his adoption would be approved, and you would appear impartial.”
“Do I look impartial?” The words tore from his throat.
“But you’re going to try, and you’ve explained everything to Director Moring. You have done that, correct?”
He managed to nod.
“We’re being honest, and we’re trying to do what’s right and keep the number one thing number one. Joshua has to stay number one. Especially now with the complication of Mrs. DeLoach’s estate.” She shook her head, refusing to let him interrupt. “You know how much I love him, how much he matters to me?”
He nodded again and stuffed his hands in his pockets in the hope she’d calm down.
“I care about him too.”
“I believe your feelings for Josh are as trustworthy as your feelings for me, and that’s why I know you’ll do what I ask.” She took in a deep breath, finally pulling her eyes from the horizon and looking deeply into his. A shock went through him like lightning, all the way to the marrow of his bones. Before he could process what he was seeing in the depths of her eyes, she continued. “I don’t want you to come here again, not alone.”
“Erin—”
“If you need to do a site visit, let me be sure my sitter is here—actually here with us—or Doc’s wife.”
“That’s not necessary.”
“It is necessary.” Her voice ripped away what was left of any lies he’d told himself. “I can’t do this. Don’t you see I can’t do this? I have to watch you drive away and then wonder if it’s going to be another week or ten days. Maybe it’ll be a month this time. That’s not fair, Travis.”
“Erin—” He searched frantically for a way to change her mind, but the panic and the emotion was leaving her voice as her jaw took on a firm set.
“I can’t talk to you on the phone, or e-mail you. Do you know how lonely that is? It’s the worst kind of separation, knowing you’re a few miles away. Knowing you might appear at any time. No.” She stepped back, bumped into the fence, and moved sideways along it. “I agreed to your rules, now it’s time for you to agree to mine. Until the adoption is final. Until Joshua is safely placed.”
He reached for her, but she continued to slowly step away, her feet making soft sounds in the night, leaving permanent imprints on his heart. “I don’t understand. Earlier, you seemed… you seemed okay.”
“When you kissed me?” She shook her head, auburn curls bouncing. “Don’t you think I wanted that as much as you? Don’t you think I’m as weak as you are? But then…” she waved toward where he was parked. “Then it’s time for you to go, and I realize, I have to start all over again. Not knowing and wondering.”
The back porch door at the house banged shut, and Erin’s head snapped around. “I have to go. It’s a school night for my sitter.”
She turned and walked toward the house.
He watched her go and wondered how things could have gone from bad to wonderful to worse in the space of an hour.
“Erin.”
She stopped, hesitated, and finally turned around.
“Are you sure?”
“No.”
He couldn’t make out her expression in the darkness.
“I’m not, but sometimes you have to go on instinct and faith. Both tell me this is the only way.”
He watched her complete the slow walk in the near darkness, then climb the porch steps and enter the old farmhouse. More than anything he wanted to follow her, join her in the kitchen, hold Josh. Instead, he climbed into his Blazer and headed back down the lane. It felt like a bitter sacrifice, and something told him it wouldn’t be the last.
—
Erin waited until the sitter was gone.
Waited until Joshua was freshly bathed, sung and prayed over, and tucked into bed.
She waited until the dishes were done and the kitchen cleaned.
She even went back outside and scraped off her work boots, trying to figure out what she would say. Of course, she had the luxury of the time change, but finally she knew she could put it off no longer. Dana had been gone for six weeks—and what a six weeks it had been. While her sister was honeymooning in Europe and the Caribbean, she’d become a mother.
Her child had been declared a millionaire.
And she’d fallen in love.
Some of those things she’d communicated through e-mail. Some she hadn’t. Twice more Dana had insisted she and Ben would fly home early, but Erin had talked her out of it. Today they arrived back in Taos, and Erin wanted to give them time to settle in, but she needed to talk to her—tonight.
Thinking back over the last week made her heart ache, so much that she actually put the work boot down, reached up, and rubbed at her chest.
On Sunday morning she had attended worship services for the first time since Nina and Jules died. She had been expecting a painfully emotional hour, but actually it was merely pleasant. She’d smiled at the children’s sermon and tried to picture Joshua toddling toward the front of the sanctuary.
It would be many months—maybe a year or more—before he’d be old enough to make his way down the aisle and toward the treasure chest filled with stickers.
She wouldn’t think about Joshua growing that quickly. If she did, she’d need to run into the house and watch him sleep.
Silly.
She brushed the thought away as she finger combed her hair back from her forehead.
She needed to talk to her sister. But what would she say? How could she explain the situation she’d stumbled into?
Sunday’s sermon had been about God’s perfect timing. She’d wondered if Pastor Perry had been preaching specifically to her, which hardly seemed possible. He barely knew her. Any uneasiness she’d felt had been washed away with the final music, a contemporary version of a song she remembered hearing Nina hum as she cooked.
Yes, Sunday morning had been almost perfect. Until she’d picked up Josh. The single hour away from him had suddenly seemed like a dozen. Gathering him into her arms, she’d felt a touch on her shoulder and she’d hoped—no she’d actually closed her eyes and prayed—it might be Travis.
Even sitting on the back step in the darkness, she blushed to think how she must have looked when she turned and saw Russ Lawson’s face. He’d known. She could tell by the way the smile on his face had frozen, but he’d recovered quickly and asked her to lunch. She’d begged off, claiming work with the animals, which wasn’t a lie.
To make matters worse, as she was leaving, her eyes were drawn across the foyer, and there he was, standing with his parents. Her feet had frozen to the floor, absolutely unable to move, his eyes locked on hers.
Then Josh had started to cry, and Shirley asked if she needed help. When she looked back across the foyer, Travis was gone.
All week had been like that.
Every time the phone rang.
Every time a car drove up.
Every time she checked her e-mail.
Her heart lurched every single time, but it had never been him.
Until tonight.
She pressed her palms against her eyes and forced her mind to forget the memory of his lips against hers. She shouldn’t dwell on what she couldn’t have. She needed to get through tonight and tomorrow.
She needed to call Dana.
She had waited too long. She should have paid the in
ternational charges and called her weeks ago.
Standing up, she found the strength to walk back into the house, pull her cell phone from her purse, and walk into the living room.
Then she pressed and held the number 2 on her phone. She didn’t have many speed dial pre-sets entered, but there was one person she could count on in an emergency.
Thirty-Six
Ben answered the phone. “Baby sister. We were about to come down with a hostage rescue team and bring you up to the mountains. Haven’t you heard Taos is beautiful in the fall?”
Erin snuggled into her recliner and smiled. How was it she’d known Ben Marshall for less than a year, but he could make her feel like it was Christmas morning? Maybe because she’d never had a brother.
“By the way, I have a present for you and baby Joshua,” he teased.
“No kidding? It’s a while until either of us has a birthday, so I hope it keeps.”
“Oh, this won’t go bad. Let me tell you about it.” There was the sound of tussling, followed by laughter. “Dana’s driving me crazy—”
Finally her sister came on the phone, breathless and murmuring, “Shoo. This call is for me. Go finish the dishes. We need gab time.”
“Hey, Sis.” Erin closed her eyes and took her first deep breath of the day.
“Hey, yourself. I was about to call.”
Erin didn’t answer, couldn’t speak for the tears clogging her throat.
“Is Josh okay?” Concern crackled through the line.
Why had she waited to call? She’d always shared everything with Dana. Somehow this situation had grown unwieldy—something bigger than her, something she couldn’t hold in her arms or grasp firmly in her hands.
“Josh is fine. Growing like a puppy. I had no idea kids changed so much in such a short time.”
“Tell me everything.”
“He’s started reaching for his bottle, at least that’s what I think he’s doing. Mrs. Harrington said he turned his head when he heard my voice.”
“Ben, book me a flight. Get your cell phone out, seriously. I need to go to Texas.”
“Oh, Dana. You can’t imagine how good it feels to talk to you.”
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