“I told you to call me Bull,” he reminds me, letting a finger from his free hand twirl in one of the loose tendrils of my hair.
Once again, I shore up my defenses, which admittedly, are weak around him.
“I remember,” I tell him, turning away and tucking under his arm so I can open the driver’s side door of my car.
He takes the door out of my hand and holds it. I look over my shoulder at him, already knowing I wouldn’t make my escape that easily.
“Then why do you keep calling me Mr. Kane?” he asks. In our previous meetings he just says hi, tells me I’m pretty, flirts, and lets me go. Leaving me just thinking about him and fantasizing—like an idiot. Apparently tonight, it’s not going to be that easy. This could be bad.
“Because we’re not friends. I’m the doctor who gave you bad news, and you’re the man crazy enough to date a nurse I work with. A nurse I’m not real fond of and, therefore, I don’t think I should be calling her boyfriend by his first name. Or, you know, even talking to her boyfriend. So, if you’ll excuse me….”
“Sweetheart I don’t think I’ve ever been anyone’s boyfriend and I sure as hell ain’t going to start in my thirties. I’m a man.” He says that like I have any doubt.
“Fine, dating. Whatever.”
“I told you I wasn’t dating Melissa. We were just fucking.”
“Yes well, that’s just reason number one thousand.”
“One thousand?” he asks, and I curse my big mouth for the slip. I’m too tired to be talking to this man.
“One of a thousand reasons I should call hospital security instead of humoring you. If you don’t mind Mr. Kane, I’m exhausted. I’m going to go home, kiss Matty and sleep,” I tell him, sliding behind the wheel of my car. I can’t close the door though, because the damn man won’t let go of it. I wonder if I started beating my head on the steering wheel would he feel sorry for me and let me go home?
“Is Matty your old man?” he asks.
“If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”
“Depends on if you’re telling the truth,” he answers, watching me.
“He’s my son,” I sigh out my answer. “My very young son, who hasn’t seen his mom in over twenty-four hours now. It’d be great if you would move so I could close my door and go home. That’d be really good.”
“You got a kid?”
Why didn’t I think of this sooner? All men run when they find out you have a readymade family. Apparently even man-whore semi-stalkers.
“Yes. So you can see, you’re wasting your time with me.”
“I don’t think so. I like that you have a kid. In fact, Doc, I’m liking everything I learn about you.”
With that I do bang my head against the steering wheel. Just once, but still…
“Did you learn the part where I don’t date men who would have anything to do with people like Nurse Allen? Or, who are so careless with their health that they get a venereal disease and then can’t remember the names of the mountains of women with whom they’ve had sex with in a very short, three-week period?”
“Cute, Doc. But I didn’t ask you out on a date. I’m not really the dating type.”
“Oh yes, I forgot. You skip that part and go straight into sleeping with a woman.”
“Fucking. There was never any sleeping going on. Women get all weird you start letting them stay in your bed.”
“Unbelievable,” I mutter and start my car up. I’ll just drive off and drag him until he lets go of the door if I have to.
“You know what you should be asking, Doc?”
“I’m afraid to ask.”
“Ask me how many women I’ve fucked since I met you.”
“Mr. Kane…”
“Not a damn one,” he says, interrupting me. “My dick wants you. And you, Doc? I think you’d be different. You I’d like to date. I think I’d even like sleeping with you.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I tell him ignoring the small thrill that runs through me. I really need to start therapy soon. I have to be close to breaking with reality. That can be the only explanation for this madness.
“Why? You can deny it all you want, Doc, but you’re attracted to me. Your nipples are so hard right now, they’re about to burst through your shirt.”
“That’s because it’s cold out here, and you’re not letting me close my dang car door!” I’m only partially lying, but he doesn’t need to know that.
“Whatever you say, Doc.”
“Mr. Kane…”
“Tell me why you won’t go out with me and I’ll let you go.”
“I think I’ve already made that clear, but since those other one thousand reasons haven’t penetrated, how about the fact that I got your toxicology reports back, and I know about the drugs that you have in your system? Or how about the fact that your eyes are dilated right now? So, even if I am…were attracted to you, you would never be someone I would date. I have my health, my career and my son to think about. I can’t afford to make bad decisions, like dating someone who could potentially put my health, career or child in jeopardy. You, Mr. Kane, are a walking poster boy for bad dating decisions. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going home to my son.”
He stands away from the door and a look moves over his face that I can’t quite figure out. I want to take my tirade back because I think it hurt him. I won’t do that, however, and it doesn’t change the truth in what I said anyway. I take off, leaving Mr. Kane in my rearview mirror—exactly where he belongs.
Chapter 2
Bull
I stand and watch until her taillights blend into the early morning fog. It shouldn’t surprise me the doctor knows I’ve been popping pills. It does. I thought about trying to defend myself, but there really isn’t a defense to give. This is the part where I should turn away and not think about Dr. Skye Walker again. But, I find that I can’t do that.
Something about this woman makes me feel alive in ways I’ve never experienced before, even when I thought I was falling for Carrie. Carrie had more to do with wanting to protect and care for her. Skye challenges me. The problem is, I’ve dug myself into such a large hole that I’ll never be able to crawl out of it to even see what this woman could possibly be to me. An overwhelming feeling hits me square in the stomach, like a punch, and I know exactly what it is—regret. This woman could have been my future and I’ve ruined it.
I need to make some big changes if I want to try and pursue something with her—or even just try to get her to talk to me. I rub the back of my neck hard. It’s another of those fucking headaches coming on. I feel it starting and just like always I’m helpless to stop it. Here’s where I’d take a pill to dull it. Here’s where I’d go lose myself in the pills, booze and maybe a woman, before trying to sleep it off. I reach in the pocket of my jeans and take out the small brown bottle. The medicine inside rattles and the sound is a siren’s call, beckoning me to take just one more taste.
I start to do that very thing until I remember the look of disgust on Skye’s face as she called me on it. She’s a good woman—a strong woman. She’s the type of woman a man could hold on to and never worry about what the future holds. She’s a woman worth trying for.
That’s the thing right there. I haven’t felt like getting out of bed in so fucking long, let alone trying. Skye changes that. I palm the bottle in my hand and tighten it up. I can feel the plastic bending under the weight of my grip. I sit down on the concrete ledge that separates section A from this one. I put the pills beside me and stare at them while I dial my phone.
It takes three rings before the sleepy sounding voice answers, “Hello?” she asks, sounding confused.
“I need a favor,” I tell her straight out, not beating around the bush.
“Who is it?” I hear Crush in the background saying. “It’s just Nic, go back to sleep Cowboy,” she says before her voice comes back to the receiver. Her voice is stronger now, clear and definitely wide-awake. “Let me go into the bathroom. I don’t want t
o disturb, Zander.”
I keep staring at the pills, alternating between being afraid of what I’m about to do and afraid of not doing it. I place my free hand on my leg and watch as it shakes. I don’t think it has anything to do with the occasional tremors I have. I hear a door close through the phone and then Dani’s voice comes back to me.
“What do you need, Bull?” she asks, her voice laced with concern. Dani has gone through a lot of changes since she and Crush worked shit out. I hated her once. Part of me still might. But she was the only one who saw me sinking. She was the only one who reached out a hand. I still remember the last time I saw her before she and Crush left to join Diesel’s crew in Tennessee. She hugged me, which frankly scared the hell out of me. Dani and I didn’t have that kind of relationship. I never wanted one with her. I blamed her for all kinds of shit, even if most of it wasn’t her fault. She made mistakes that hurt people I loved and, therefore, that made her someone not worth my time. Saying that now makes me an asshole, because the mistakes I made aren’t exactly minor and I don’t have the reasons behind them like Dani did.
“You didn’t have to lie to him,” I tell her, stalling. My voice is gruff, and I can almost taste my own fear. Hell, Skye was right to look at me with disgust.
“Did you want me to tell him the truth?” she asks, because she knows why I’m calling. She knows because on that last day when she hugged me she pressed a note in the palm of my hand. I waited until I was alone to read it, and I was glad I did.
I know what you do when you think no one sees. I see the emptiness in you because I’ve lived it. If you ever need a friend, I’m here. Call me.
I destroyed the note, but I stored the number she scribbled at the bottom into my phone. I’ve never used it, never even thought about it, until Skye threw my drug test results in my face. Now I sit here facing the fact that I’ve lost a shot at a good woman because of what I’ve become.
Realistically I knew it would be hard to get close to Skye with the damned way we met the first time between us. I always suit up. Always. Except for that one night when I was higher than a kite and feeling no pain. Melissa went down on me and a condom on my cock was the last thing I thought about when she took me into that wet mouth of hers and sucked me like a damn vacuum cleaner.
I rake my hand over the back of my neck and hold it there. Hoping the warmth staves off some of the pain.
“Bull?” Dani questions again and, shit, I wonder how long I’ve had her on the phone, not talking.
“Not really, I guess,” I answer clearing my throat. “I…fuck I don’t know why I’m calling.”
“Yeah you do.”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” I tell her hating the defeat in my voice.
“It’s good you called, Bull.”
“You think?” I joke, thinking it’s anything but good.
“Yeah, it means you’re tired of falling.”
Falling. Yeah that’s a good term for it.
“So what now?” I ask her because I don’t know what I thought she could do from another state away, but I just know I don’t have the first clue of what to do on my own.
“We find you help.”
“I thought that’s what you were supposed to be? My help, I mean.”
“You need meetings, Bull. You need sobriety. I’m an ear and someone who’s been where you’re at right now. I’m a sounding board that’s not here to judge. I’d like to say friend, but I don’t have to be. I can be your sponsor if you’d rather.”
“Sponsor?”
“Yeah, I have one. Though honestly, Zander is my rock these days. Still, there are times when I need to reach out to Leslie.”
I take a deep breath. “So, sponsor, where do we go from here?”
Her voice comes back to me and it’s one word, but I hear her happiness in it and I hold onto it. She’s a woman who lived without happiness for so long. She had every reason to give up. If she can find it, maybe I can, too.
“Up,” she says. “We go up, Bull.”
I take a breath. Then another. I stand up, grab the bottle and walk to the large trashcan in front of the elevators.
“I want to try,” I tell her and throw the pills in the garbage.
“That’s the hardest step to take, Bull.”
She’s not lying. It does feel that way. I hope this doesn’t end up being another thing I fail at.
Chapter 3
Skye
Three Months Later
I love the mountains in Kentucky. I love everything about them. From their large rolling views to the way they make you feel sheltered and protected—almost as if you were in God’s arms. They grabbed my attention years ago and never let go. It’s the main reason I decided to settle here with Matty. They’re gorgeous any time of the year—from Spring, when new growth takes place and different hues of green call to you, to Autumn, when trees set off a display of colors that no firework show could match. They hold so much beauty it takes my breath away. They all pale in comparison to what I’m looking at now, however. It’s a beautiful day, and I decided to have lunch on the cement picnic tables out from the courtyard of the hospital. It’s relatively empty, because most of the hospital staff likes to congregate in the food court area. I hate crowds, so this suits me better. The fact that Mr. Kane is staring down at me right now leaves me torn between wondering if I shouldn’t run back towards to the food court or ask him to sit down. I haven’t seen him in three months. I thought our last encounter had chased him off, and it was for the best. I shouldn’t have missed him—but I did, and not seeing him made me sad.
“Mr. Kane.”
“Hey Doc, did you miss me?” he asks, and he’s smiling and clearly joking but something about him is different.
“Was I supposed to?”
“Ouch, Doc, that hurts,” he says sitting down.
“Have a seat,” I tell him, sarcastically.
“What is that you’re eating?” he says, curling up his nose.
I can’t say as I blame him. I look down at my sad chicken wrap and drop it back onto the plate.
“I think it’s a new concoction the hospital cafeteria is working on in case of a zombie apocalypse.”
“Zombie apocalypse?”
“Yeah something they freeze dried for a year, and it was supposed to keep. Only I don’t think it did. Oh well, I wasn’t real hungry.”
“Now that’s a shame, Doc because I come bearing gifts,” he says and it’s then that I notice he’s holding a paper bag and a drink carrier. I missed it before because the man is so fine, I find myself glued to his beautiful eyes and then the way his t-shirt likes to cling to that stomach. It’s no wonder I fantasize about him. I’m only human after all.
He puts his items on the table and reaches in and brings out two wrapped sandwiches and hands me one along with a large coffee.
“What are you doing?”
“Having lunch with you? I didn’t know how you liked your coffee so I got it black, but there’s some creamer and shit in the bag if you want it.”
I look at him like he’s grown two heads. I haven’t seen or heard from him since our last run in, and I’m not sure what I thought would happen if I saw him again. Fantasies don’t count! But one thing I do know, I certainly wasn’t expecting this.
“I don’t drink coffee,” I tell him, because I don’t know what else to say.
He stops unwrapping his sandwich to smile at me, “I’ll remember that for next time.”
Next time?
I unwrap my sandwich and nearly groan in appreciation. BLT! Yum! I start eating it and drink the water that I already had. We sit there in silence for a few minutes, just eating, before I just have to ask him.
“What is this, Mr. Kane?”
“We’re having lunch, Doc.”
“I get that. What I don’t understand is why.”
“Why? Can’t I just want to have lunch with you?”
“Mr. Kane, we discussed this. I can’t and won’t date…”
He
reaches into the pocket of the leather vest he’s wearing and pulls out a piece of paper, sliding it across the table to me.
“What’s this?” I ask unfolding it. When I read it, my hand shakes. What does he mean with this?
“Three months clean, Doc. Me and my dick,” he states, biting into his sandwich as if he’s discussing the weather.
“I’m happy for you, Mr. Kane, but…”
“Relax, Doc. I wanted you to know that I’m not the man you first met, I’ve changed. Plus, I’ve thought on what you said, and I realized I’ve never had a woman friend.”
“This news doesn’t surprise me.”
“Sarcasm can be ugly, Doc,” he says with a wink.
I have to struggle not to choke on the water I’m swallowing.
“Anyways, I hate being called Mr. Kane, and I hate my first name. If I’m ever going to get you to call me Bull, I figure we need to be friends.”
“Friends? Without benefits?” I clarify.
“Why Doc? Are you offering?”
“No. I mean, I just assumed that…I mean I don’t want….”
He starts laughing, and I haven’t heard him laugh before. It’s a good sound. Solid and firm, warm and inviting and I should not be noticing it.
“Yeah, Doc. Just friends, no benefits, except you calling me Bull, and me spending time with you.”
I ignore the sensation deep down inside of me that feels like disappointment at his offer. I give him my agreement with a smile. “Always happy to make new friends Mr…. I mean, Bull.”
“That right there makes it all worth it.”
“You’ll have to explain that remark,” I tell him drying my hands.
“Hearing you say my name with a smile on your face.”
“And this, all worth it? What exactly does that mean?”
“You’re a sharp one, Doc.”
“Medical school and being a mom,” I explain. “You can’t afford to let a lot slip by you.”
Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC Page 2
