Now there is silence. All you can hear in the room is our breathing slowly coming back down to normal. There are no soft words of love. No laughter, no playing, none of that. Worse, there are no soft touches being exchanged, no holding each other close. None of the stuff I dreamed of is happening in the aftermath. Instead, I’m lying in a bed with Jacob’s hands on me, willing myself to be quiet because he’s not talking and I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. I can’t touch him or hold him close or do the million and one things I want to do. Why? Because my hands are still tied. My lips feel dry, my throat feels raw…but then I did scream out that last time. When I can’t stand it any longer, I take a chance to shatter the silence.
“Jacob can you untie me now? I need to go to the restroom.”
“I don’t want you to go yet, Care Bear.”
My heart aches at the use of his nickname. Not because it’s not beautiful, wonderful and amazing—no. It’s because those are the words I want to hear. The words I need to hear, but yet it seems…not quite right.
“I’m sticky…”
He smiles and those hazel eyes sparkle. Somehow with that smile, he reminds me of the old Jacob and that knot in my stomach loosens its hold, if only slightly.
He kisses my lips gently almost reverently. This…this is what I want.
“I like the idea of you being overfilled with me—of you dripping with my cum.”
I blush at his description, but secretly I’m jumping for joy too. I like the idea. I like everything about it and I love that he likes it.
“I need to stretch my arms though.”
He looks up at the binding above my head and something flashes in his eyes. I don’t get the time to decipher it. He reaches up and in just a few seconds I’m free. I bite my lip to keep from moaning out loud. I kind of understand what is going on, even if it does confuse me. I wish Jacob could be completely open with me. I keep thinking back to the first time I saw Jacob in the hotel room. He had been in bed with two women. Neither of those women were tied. Why were they allowed to touch him, if I can’t? Is there something wrong with me?
I don’t ask, I suck in the hurt. I don’t want to push him away. Whatever this is, it is new. I’ve never been in a relationship before. What I do know is I love him and I need this to last. If it doesn’t, I’m going to lose such a large piece of myself, I will never recover. Again, my conversation with Nicole flashes in my mind. I signed on to fight, not quit.
Jacob has my hands, rubbing them gently. Slowly, he brings the circulation back in them.
“Better?”
I smile and nod, which makes me feel stupid, but I can’t seem to find my voice.
He places small kisses on my hands and when he’s done I feel even more awkward. Maybe I should have allowed him to keep me tied? Because right now? I’m afraid to touch him, so my hands are just clumsily lying at my side.
Oh god, shoot me now.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Jacob asks and I want to tell him, let it all out and tell him. I don’t. I’m afraid. This might not be everything I want, but it’s already more than I thought I would get. It’s a start.
“This is new to me…” Not a lie.
“Oh I noticed that Princess, believe me.” He pulls me on top of him, so I am now straddling him. I can feel him hard against me and I instantly feel my insides quiver in want and need.
“What…what are you doing?” I ask, wondering if he can feel the way I rocked against him.
“I want you to ask for my cock and if you convince me? I’m going to let you ride me until you make both of us come.”
“I…like this?” I ask, not because the position is so new to me, but more because maybe I can touch him now and that thought excites me even more than knowing I will have him inside me again.
“Exactly like this,” he confirms and I might be squealing like a little girl on the inside.
“Are you too sore for me this soon, Care?”
I blush at his words. I shake my head no. I’m totally lying, I feel really tender and sore there, but nothing will stop me from having him again.
“Thank fuck,” He says and I have to concur. “Do you want my cock?”
“Yes…”
“Then tell me, Princess. Let me hear you.”
“Jacob, I…I want your cock.”
“That’s my girl,” he says as he wraps a hand in my hair and pulls my lips down to his. I use one arm to brace myself so I don’t fall. I feel the sting of him pulling my hair, my pulse rate jumps in reaction.
“Guide my cock inside of you, Carrie.”
I go up on my knees to do as he asks. He hasn’t let go of my hair. If anything, he has wrapped it tighter around his hand. It takes me a couple of fumbling tries, but I get him to my entrance and slowly slide down on his dick. There’s pain almost instantly, but I bite my lip and ignore it, because even through the pain it feels good. Can you get addicted to sex after one time? I think I might be. When he is all the way inside of me, I freeze. In this position it feels like I’m stretched to my limits. I don’t move, I’m not sure I can.
“That’s it Princess, get used to having me inside of you. You’re so damned beautiful Care Bear and fuck woman, you feel so good. I love the way your pussy squeezes my cock, like it can’t get enough.”
I’m totally unsure of myself. I’ve read a lot of books, so I try to remember from them what to do. I don’t want to disappoint him, but I draw a blank. Jacob’s eyes on me, his…cock inside of me? All I can think is that I want more. I want this forever.
I rock on him slowly. Oh, that feels amazing. Jacob’s face blooms into this lazy smile and his hands go to my hips. He pulls me up and down, showing me the rhythm he wants. On each downward stroke he thrusts up. The pleasure is so intense, I call out his name. I move my hand slowly down his chest. He is perfection. Absolute perfection. There are no other words for it.
He stops my movements with his next words though.
“Play with your tits, Princess. Take each nipple in your fingers and tease them for me.”
Under his direction, my ride picks up speed and I get lost in the moment, following each command he gives me without question.
Bring your breasts to my mouth Princess, I need to suck them,” he demands.
I do it without question. I am his prisoner. He orders and I give it. I’ll do anything he asks at this point. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am…home.
It will get better. Jacob will let me in. I need to just give him time. That’s the last thought I have before I detonate into a thousand pieces.
My heart cries out…Jacob, please let me in.
Chapter 18
Dancer
Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!! FUCK!
What was that? What the hell was that?
I’m lying in bed after the most intense sex I’ve ever had in my life. Carrie fell down against me almost immediately after that last round. She is sleeping wrapped tight around me. It should feel suffocating, it doesn’t. It feels like I’ve reached…hell, I don’t even have words. I just know, I wish I could freeze this moment and live here—never leaving here. Here is good.
Still, even ‘here’ doesn’t feel right deep inside of me. I’m completely satisfied. I have the woman I’ve dreamed of for years in my arms and still there is fear. My heart is beating out of my chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. I am sweating and it feels like I’m going to jump out of my skin. It doesn’t make sense. How can I feel so good being with Carrie, but still sense a panic attack waiting for me? I’ve felt it enough times to know. Panic and I have become bosom buddies.
I need to leave. I need to get out of here. A drink…I need a drink.
I jerk as my phone rings. I stretch to reach down to my pants on the floor. I find it in my pocket. Carrie moans, the sound is enough to make my cock come to life. How the fuck is that possible? I came so hard the last time I thought the damn thing would have been dead to the world the rest of the night.
“Yeah?” I grumble into
the phone. I feel Carrie place a kiss on my chest. I look down to a sea of golden red locks, I feel another feather-light kiss and then she snuggles back down, her breathing evening out. Shit. Had the other person answered yet? I’ve pulled the phone away from my ear to watch Carrie. This woman is so fucking dangerous. “What?” Wondering who the hell is calling.
“I said, I need you at the club.”
Dragon.
I may have wanted to take a breather from Carrie, but going to the club is not what I had in mind. That place fucks with my head. The men and the loud party atmosphere, I can’t handle it. Always before, I’d go to a bar, find a good lay within a few minutes and take her (or them) back to the cheap hotel I was living in. The few times I’ve been summoned to the club have played hell with my brain. In prison we were always kept in groups, never alone. When the men weren’t talking or yelling, the guards were. There was never silence. It only got worse at night. At night you were locked in your tiny cell with another inmate. The room was always so hot and thick with stomach-souring odors. There’s no way to describe the actual stink and desperation that clamps over everything in prison.
“Motherfucker, are you listening to me?”
No.
“I can’t leave Carrie unprotected,” I argue, ignoring the fact that I almost left her alone before Dragon called.
“Bull should be there anytime to watch over Red. You get your ass to me. It’s important.”
“Fuck no. Bull is not getting around my woman,” I yell back before I can stop myself.
“I know you didn’t just argue with me. I said Bull will watch over your woman and Dance? He. Will. Watch. Over. Your. Woman.”
“Damn it, Dragon,” I raise up off the bed. I dislodge Carrie off of me in the process, but I’m fucking pissed at my brother. She moans, but doesn’t wake up. She rolls over to her side, the white sheet hangs loosely around her body, leaving her breasts completely exposed. My cock is totally standing at attention now, shit. “Bull doesn’t need to be anywhere near Carrie, you have to know he’s hung up on her.”
“He won’t go there with a brother’s old lady.”
“Bullshit….”
“He won’t, unless Carrie wants it. So I guess it depends on how you’re treating her,” Dragon comes back at me. He doesn’t realize what a bear he is poking. I cannot handle that shit. The thought of another man putting his hands on Carrie? Someone else getting even a small taste of what I just had? Just the thought makes me tighten my hand on my phone, so much, it is a wonder the damn thing doesn’t crumble into dust.
“She’s passed out after I popped her cherry and fucked her seven ways to Sunday. I made her scream so loud the neighbors probably called 911. Does that answer your question?”
I hear a gasp from behind me and glance over my shoulder to see Carrie looking as if I had slapped her. Her face is white and those damn green eyes are looking at me with…shame?
“You’re a fucking ass, Dance man.”
I absolutely am and even more so than he knows right now.
“Bull will watch Carrie and you will get your ass here,” Dragon finishes.
“I don’t…”
“Wow, I didn’t realize.”
“Realize what?” I ask trying to watch Carrie as she gets up with the sheet wrapped around her.
“That I woke up this morning in a world where it is fucking okay for you to question me. Get your ass here, or I’ll make sure it gets here. I’ve cut you slack Dance, but do not fucking test me on this,” he orders, hanging up.
I end the call and turn to watch Carrie walking away.
“Carrie, honey I didn’t…”
“Yes you did, you enjoyed telling him,” she says quietly, turning to look at me.
“I didn’t lie, there’s no reason for you to be acting like I did,” I grumble, knowing I’m making a bigger fucking mess, but I’m not about to keep apologizing.
“No, you didn’t lie.”
“Damn it, Princess.”
“Don’t worry about it, Jacob,” she says quietly, turning to go into the bathroom.
“You should be glad you got a man that makes you…”
“I am glad to be with you, Jacob. I just don’t think you can say the same. Tell me, Jacob? Will it upset you at all when you succeed in pushing me away? Or is that not important, now that you’ve had me?”
Her quiet questions punch me in the gut. She doesn’t stay to see the hit delivered. She closes the door and leaves it to echo in the silence. I look down and see the small stain of red blood on the sheet. My guilt ramps up.
Fuck. Fuck! Fuck!! FUCK!
Chapter 19
Carrie
It is weak, I admit it. I lean against the bathroom door, until I hear Jacob’s bike start up and become a distant rumble. I run a bath with hot, hot water and slide inside. I wash every inch of my skin, needing to feel less used. I hold it together, until the hot water becomes less than lukewarm and then, my tears fall.
I don’t know how long I cried. It could have been ten minutes—it could have been an hour. I’d probably still be lost, except for the touch on my shoulder. I gasp in surprise. Nicole is looking down at me, with a sad look on her face.
“Let’s get you out of here, before you prune up,” she says. Proof she has been here for a while, she is holding a big bath towel out to me.
I wrap up in the towel and let her lead me back to the bedroom. She has stripped the bed and put clean sheets on it. I’m a little sad because those sheets smelled like Jacob. I might be hurting, but if I could wrap up in his scent and just pretend it was all okay for the night? Just pretend long enough to sleep? I’d be okay with that.
“I found your pajamas. Dry off and put them on and I’ll brush your hair.”
“You don’t have to…”
“Shush, you need a friend and I’ve decided it is going to be me. So suck it up and do as I say. I’ll go get you something to drink.”
“How do you know?” I question, not able to voice the whole question. I’m not sure I want to face or process what has happened.
“Dragon told me.”
“Of course he did, I guess everyone knows now.”
“Only me, and shame on you for thinking Dragon would ever do something like that.”
“I didn’t really. I figured Jacob has already told the world.”
I notice she doesn’t argue with that. Probably, because she knows I’m right.
“What do you want to drink?” She asks, going to the door.
“Getting drunk sounds appealing right now and don’t try to tell me I’m underage,” I mumble. I don’t need to be told I’m a child. I am adult even if I don’t feel equipped to handle this situation with Jacob.
“Brandy it is,” she mumbles.
I dry off, and slip on the clothes she laid out. Then, I crawl under the covers. I lay my head on the pillow and mourn the fact that it no longer smells of Jacob. I grab the other one and hold it close to my stomach, hugging it.
I have no idea where to go from here. I’m not ready to give up, but suddenly I’m seeing this may be a bigger job than I first imagined.
“Here, sit up and take a drink of this. We need to brush your hair.”
“I don’t want to, I just want to go to sleep,” I say honestly.
“Drink and hush,” she bosses placing the drink in my hands. I take a sip, grimacing at the obvious dark taste of alcohol.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asks angling behind me. I guess I’m getting my hair brushed, whether I want it or not. I take another drink.
“No.”
“I warned you it wasn’t going to be easy,” she says while she runs a brush through my curls.
“I think you possibly understated that,” I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
Nicole makes a sound close to a snort, agreeing with me. It’s probably more of an I told you so, because she did. She absolutely did and it is the reason I’m here now and not half way to Georgia, or hell anywhere els
e. Here is being in Jacob’s bed, with my heart ripped out while he tosses out facts about my virginity.
I’m mad at myself because I’m still in his bed. I didn’t throw things at him, throw him out or anything! Instead I cried, while he left like hell’s fire was nipping at his heels. Worse, I’m still missing him. When did I become such a doormat?
“You’re not a doormat.”
Shit, I didn’t realize I said that out loud.
“I am, but I deserve to be. I’m the reason Jacob killed that man. I’m the reason he was put in jail. I’m the reason he was there and was…attacked.”
My voice breaks on the last note. I can’t bring myself to say raped. It keeps screaming in my brain, but I can’t give voice to it.
“Carrie…”
“It’s true, Nicole,” I say, swallowing the last of my drink and reaching over to put it on the table. “It’s my fault, all of it.”
“Bullshit! Jacob’s a grown ass man. He did what he did and you can’t take the guilt of that.”
“Guilt. God, there’s so much guilt. Jacob has so much he can’t breathe. I have so much it hurts to breathe. How can that ever work out Nicole? I think you’re wrong. I’m not the person to save Jacob. I’m too clueless to help him.”
Nicole is silent. She stops brushing my hair and instead I can feel her braiding it. It feels nice, relaxing even. I close my eyes, wishing I could still the thoughts in my brain.
“I wasn’t wrong. Dancer’s already let you in more than he has anyone else—so I wasn’t wrong.”
“But?” I ask, because I can hear a but.
“You have to decide if you’re strong enough to see this through, because I’m not going to lie, I think this might be small compared to some of the hits you may take.”
Am I strong enough?
“Was it worth it for you?” I ask. She’s finished with my hair and we’re both quiet, like we’re afraid to move.
Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC Page 30
