“What’s wrong, Princess? Starting to see what I warned you about? Not liking what you see? Tell me Princess, what are you staring at?”
“Nothing, Jacob. Let’s just get home.”
“Home? We don’t have a home. I’m not cut out for a white picket fence and a home.”
She doesn’t reply and it pisses me off. She pisses me off. This whole fucking mess pisses me off.
“I keep telling you I’m not Prince Charming in your story, Princess. I didn’t leave one prison, just to be trapped in another.”
“Dance man, shut the fuck up,” Bull growls from the front passenger seat. Figures that where Carrie was, Bull would try and follow.
“Of course you’d be here. You just can’t stay away from her, can you? I got news for you brother, I already got in there. You don’t have a chance. She’s mine now. I showed her what real men do. Had her screaming in pleasure. She’s so loud, I thought the neighbors would call 911. Ain’t that right, Carrie?”
Carrie doesn’t respond, not that I expected her to. I know I’m being an ass, but I can’t stop myself.
“If you weren’t drunk off your ass and a pathetic waste, I’d end you. Now shut the fuck up,” Bull growls not bothering to look at me. Which again, fucking pisses me off. Who the hell does he think he is?
“Got to tell you man. It was sweet. Thought she was going to break my dick off she was riding it so hard. Bitch loves my cock. I gave her…”
Slap!
The sting of a hand smacking across my face is so hard that my jaw burns like fire. I stop mid-sentence, turning sideways to look at Carrie. She’s sitting beside me and I can’t really say what the look on her face is. The tears on her cheeks though? That’s fucking familiar. My hand goes up to where she slapped me. The skin is hot to the touch. I turn away from her tears. I turn away from the anger I see in those green eyes.
I turn away.
Chapter 22
Carrie
I can take the humiliation. It doesn’t mean anything, not in the grand scheme of things. I can take about anything from Jacob, because I know he has this poison in his system. I know that the target of his venom is almost, always me. He blames me. He blames me for his attack, for his pain. I am okay with that, because I blame me too. I do. If I could go back, I would in a heartbeat. If I could take his place, I would. If I could have been the one violated, I would! If Jacob hadn’t saved me that night and never rescued me, I’d be okay with that. I would absolutely go back and do that. So, taking shit from Jacob? I am okay with that, because I feel like Dancer’s hell is my fault.
Except, I’m not. Not really. Every word he says cuts my heart up. Every time he looks at me with disgust and hate in his eyes I want to cry out at the injustice of it all. I don’t. I don’t know what to do at this point.
We make it home without Jacob spewing any more of his anger at me. I am grateful. My hand hurts from the force of the blow my hand landed on his face. I make a fist to hold the pain in. He passed out on the ride back and it takes both Alexander and Bull to carry him inside. They place him on the couch. I shouldn’t care, but I get a blanket from the hall closet and drape it over him. He’s dead to the world and so far there doesn’t seem to be a sign of his usual nightmare. I sit down in the chair across from him, watching as he sleeps. Here like this, he seems a little like the old Jacob—the Jacob I hold close in my heart.
When I woke up earlier to find Nicole and Bull still here I wasn’t sure what to think. Then, Nicole told me what Dragon had done tonight and I panicked. I knew instantly that would be trouble. Dragon doing this pushed Jacob into a place he wasn’t ready to go. It was like watching an avalanche though, you know what’s coming, but there’s not a damn thing you can do to stop it. So I just waited.
Eventually, Alexander and Dragon showed up and from Dragon’s face, I figured things were worse than I imagined (which was pretty damn bad). I didn’t ask and they didn’t volunteer. Dragon took Nicole home and the rest of us just waited. Six called before I drove myself too insane and we set out to bring Jacob home.
Now, Bull’s gone and Alexander is in the other room supposedly sleeping. I should be. Instead, like a fool I’m sitting here watching Jacob sleep. I think maybe I’m standing guard to keep his nightmares at bay. I realize how stupid that is, but I can’t seem to help being stupid when it comes to Jacob.
I watch him silently. I have every angle and indention on his face memorized, but he seems softer in sleep. Like this, I’m reminded of the Jacob I fell in love with. In his dreamless sleep, he looks like the Jacob who found me alone, crying in the parking lot of my school. I had missed the bus and everyone was gone. I’d fallen asleep and apparently none of the staff or students missed me. I fell and skinned-up both my knees and the palms of my hands. Jacob had found me sitting on the concrete crying. He picked me up in his strong arms.
Dry those eyes Care Bear, I got you.
His gruff voice was soft and he used his thumb to wipe my tears away.
That memory morphs into another. This time it was when Jacob showed up at mine and Jazz’ prom to make sure we were okay. I hated high school, having never fit in. Jacob danced with the awkward, shy sixteen year old girl and instantly turned a horrible night into one I have always held dear. He took me in his arms and smiled down at me.
I want your first dance to be with me Care Bear, can’t have all these boys trying to steal my girl.
I remember the feeling of being in his arms and hearing those words wash over me. I want to go back there—back to the days when Jacob cared about me. I want to go back to the days before he was hurt.
I see glimpses of him. When he calls me Care Bear? When he made love to me there were moments it felt like he was right there with me. I know Nicole told me I would have to fight. I thought I could. I want to. I really do. I just don’t know if I can handle more of his hatred.
Sometimes the only thing to do is give up. Either that or hold on, I haven’t decided…my brain hasn’t told me which to do yet. I’m afraid it never will, because my heart keeps drowning it out. I love him, but maybe there is a limit to what love can truly endure?
I have all kinds of questions, I have no answers. I give up trying to figure it out and decide to go to bed. I go through the motions of taking off my makeup, brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. My mind is on auto-pilot. I feel broken.
I don’t know how long I’ve lain in bed. I must have dozed off because I wake up to sounds coming from the bathroom. I lie there hearing the shower shut off. Eventually, I hear water running into the sink. I’m about to go back out again, when I feel the bed shift. Jacob’s hand comes around my stomach. I try my best to hold myself solid. I ignore the way the heat from his body tries to invade mine.
“I’m sorry, Care Bear.”
Part of me, even now, wants to let it go. I can’t.
“Aren’t you going to talk to me?” He asks.
“I’ve nothing to say.”
“I’ve been dealing with shit Carrie, and I got drunk. I shouldn’t have.”
“I know, I just can’t handle being someone you hate. I thought I could, I was wrong. I need for you to go.” I’m honest this time. I might understand why he’s lashing out at me, but I don’t know if I can’t handle any more of it, not when there aren’t any signs of it changing.
“Baby, I said I’m sorry. Have I messed this up too much, Carrie?”
“I don’t even know what this is and I really don’t know why you care. You don’t even like me, Jacob.”
“This is the only time my brain finds any peace. I need you, Care Bear.”
“I’m just so tired.”
“It’s not an excuse, but Dragon brought shit up and I’m just…I need time, Carrie. I need time,” Jacob says rolling over on his back looking up at the ceiling. His voice is a mixture of pain and frustration.
“It’s fine. Move back in at the club while you figure things out.”
“No. I can’t stand being at the club it feels
like the walls are closing in on me there.”
“Okay. Then I’ll move out in the morning,” I say as my heart breaks inside. I have come to view this house as home. It is stupid to get attached to it, but it seems I only do stupid stuff these days.
Jacob pulls me until I’m lying on my back beside him. He rolls to his side and lets his callused fingers dance gently over my shoulder and along the curve of my collarbone.
“I don’t want you to leave Care, I want you to stay with me.”
“Jacob…”
“Shh…baby. I was stupid. I took my anger out on you, but I didn’t truly mean it.”
“I can’t keep living like this Jacob, I love you, but I’m not your punching bag either.”
“Princess, I’d never hit you.”
“Words can hurt worse sometimes.”
“I’ll try and do better, I…I’m asking you not to leave, Carrie. I’m asking you for another chance.”
I deep breathe. It’s a hard choice, this is different. This is new. Jacob is asking me to stay with him. Jacob is trying to reach out. Is this a sign that he is healing? Am I being a fool and seeing things that aren’t really there? The questions go over in my head and I can’t concentrate though because Jacob is kissing the path his fingers made. They are light kisses, not really sexual, but they feel…important. They make me feel important. My eyes begin to close as I decide to give myself over to him. I may be all over the place right now, but I know, in this moment, I need Jacob. I need this connection with him. I need him.
Chapter 23
Dancer
I let her sleep for a couple of hours, just listening to her breathe. I’m thankful. She’s giving me another chance. I’m not a fool, well about this at least. I know that Carrie not pushing me away is significant. It is huge. I make a vow to try and show Carrie how truly special she is to me. She is. I made a decision to go there with her and I don’t want to let her go. This shit with Dragon has messed with my head. I’m all kinds of fucked up. Yet, with Carrie here in my arms the only thing that feels out of control is the beat of my heart. I need a taste of her again. She has a way of making me forget the rest of the world exists and I need that right now. I need her. It’s selfish, but I really do.
I place light kisses along her collar bone that I’ve already traced with my fingers. The taste of her skin sinks inside of me and spreads through my bloodstream. She’s like a fever in my system. My teeth graze at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. I bite gently flicking my tongue over the spot a few seconds later.
“Jacob,” she moans and her voice further bridges over the holes in my soul that Dragon uncovered.
I kiss along the side of her face. Just small, slow presses of my lips along her hairline until I make it to her ear.
“God Carrie, you’re an addiction, baby.”
My hand slides under the waist band of her pajamas. The silk of her underwear slides against my fingers teasing me with the pleasure lying underneath. Her hips are rocking slowly, her legs moving restlessly.
“What do you want, baby?” I groan into her ear.
“You…always you,” she whispers and again it feels less raw inside. Just by her words, or maybe the fact that I know she means them. She craves me as much as I crave her.
I yank her underwear and pajamas roughly down those fucking sexy, long legs of hers. I figure I might have scared her, but instead she is busy pulling her shirt off. Something about seeing this woman as desperate for me as I am for her soothes the beast inside of me.
“Look at you, Care Bear. God I wish you could see what I see right now. So fucking beautiful and sweet you make my teeth ache. This is going to be fast baby, I’m sorry, but I have to have you. I need to be inside of you.”
“Yes, Jacob. Please,” she whispers her voice dark, husky and full of need.
I slide my fingers into her depths and I fucking sigh in relief when I find her ready, which is good, because I’m shaking. I don’t have the patience to get her there on my own. I am also a motherfucking genius for getting in bed without clothes, because if they had been in my way, I would have shredded them. I bend her legs at the knee and pull them apart, so she is completely open to me—so damned beautiful. I move my cock back and forth against her opening, making sure I tease her swollen clit.
“Carrie baby, look at me.”
Slowly those gorgeous emerald green eyes open, looking drugged and breathtaking. Plump, juicy red lips fall open in a gasp. I can see a faint glimpse of that perfect tongue. It calls to me.
“Give it to me baby, let me hear you say it.”
She searches my face, the room is quiet except for our harsh breathing.
“I love you, Jacob.”
My heart stalls, before picking up speed. I wanted to hear Carrie ask for my cock. That’s what I was asking for—not this. Never this. These words… these words fill me with fear. Holy hell. At the same time, a feeling of power surges in me. I’ll try to figure it out later, right now I have to have her, I need her.
I plunge inside her depths, without further warning. She’s so damned tight. I try not to go to deep, but her hips thrust up and I sink all the way in. I stop moving, afraid I’ve hurt her. I look down at her face for signs of distress. Instead, I find something out of a dream. Her face is thrown back in pleasure and I could drown in the inky depths of her eyes.
“Wrap your legs around me, Care Bear. Wrap them tight.”
She nods her head and does as I ask. I didn’t it was possible, but I manage to go deeper. So deep, I’m bottomed out completely inside of her. Never has anything felt this perfect, this right. I know she feels it too, because she moans in reaction.
She has kept her hands wrapped up in the sheet on the bed till this point. I grieve silently. I would love to have her touch on me, but I’m glad she seems to have accepted my rules. I can’t take the risk of flashbacks, especially with the memories so close to the surface right now.
I resent the fact I continue to think of this shit, when I am inside my own personal heaven. I hate that these thoughts intrude on the one clean and beautiful thing I’ve had in my life. I settle over her, bracing myself on one arm, the other tangling in her hair and pulling her lips the small distance to mine.
“Say it,” I order against her lips. I don’t know why, but I need to hear it again.
“I love you, Jacob,” she complies as one of her hands touches the side of my face.
I bite down the order for her to keep her hands down. I can handle this. I can. She loves me, this is different. As long as her touch stays on my face, I’ll manage, I just need this. I need this moment. My tongue slides into her mouth and I drink in her words, I drink them down deep.
I can feel my balls tighten with my approaching climax, way too soon. I let go of the hold I have on her hair and tease her clit so she can go with me. It doesn’t take long and I’m thankful. My mouth captures her release. She convulses on my cock, pulling me over the edge with her. I come so hard, I feel light headed.
I grab her ass and pull her tight against me as I fall over on my back. I keep my cock buried deep inside of her, while letting her rest on top of me. When she goes to move off of me, I refuse to let her. She settles against me and places a kiss on the side of my neck. I let my fingers slide along the smooth, soft, skin of her back. She holds me close and her hands feel good. I close my eyes and breathe her in. For the space of this minute, I let myself pretend I am different. That the feel of someone else’s hands on me is normal and I can enjoy it without fear of the darkness.
“I need to get off,” Carrie breathes against my skin her voice sounding exhausted.
“I thought you just did.”
I feel her lips spread in a smile against my neck and I like it. I give her too much pain. I like giving her a smile. I want to give her more.
“Get off of you so we can sleep.”
“Shh…rest Care Bear, I like you right where you are.”
It scares me to admit this, but I give it to her.
I give it and ignore the fear.
“I like it too. Goodnight, Jacob. I love you”
“Goodnight, Care.” I want to say it back to her. I want to tell her I love her. This time the fear wins and I stay silent.
It takes a few minutes before her breathing evens out. I wish with everything in me that I could join her. I don’t. I can’t take that risk. I’m okay with staying awake and holding her though. This may be the single, best thing I’ve felt in my life, so I will savor it and pretend this is my normal. A new normal that I crave, but will never have.
Chapter 24
Carrie
I’m alone in the bed. It’s kind of sad. Jacob woke me up once more in the night. I still didn’t get to touch him like I wanted, but it was amazing. I can’t deny it, I was scared of the morning light, because last night was the single most perfect night of my life. Well, at least after Jacob got in bed with me. I stretch, my body is sore and well used. The house is quiet, which is odd. Since I’ve made the move to Kentucky, I don’t think Dragon and his men have ever left me alone. I shrug it off. I’m sure he’s around somewhere.
I sigh and get up. I’m hungry, so I’m going to have to get my butt moving. I take a quick shower, braiding my wet hair when I get out. It’s easier than worrying about blow-drying and fixing it. I don’t bother with makeup, because food seems more important right now. I’m starved.
I walk into the living room, expecting to see Jacob asleep on the couch or something, but the room is empty. I try not to let fear grab me. It’s silly. Before my parents died I never worried. Living like I have, has made me see shadows where there are none. I go into the kitchen. It’s a little after eleven, but surely that’s not too late for breakfast. I’ll make extra in case Alexander is still here, and him and Jacob are both hungry.
I scramble some eggs, fry bacon and make toast and still…nothing. I figured the smell of food would get their attention. I go outside and look around and there’s no one there. The Tahoe is missing too. I look around one last time and go back inside. I’m a little disappointed that Jacob didn’t tell me he was leaving, but I suck it up. He gave me more than I was expecting last night. I have to go with that.
Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC Page 32
