by Tia Lewis
John smiled and tightened his grasp on my hand. "We can figure it out together. I've been on dates before, but it has been a really long time. It will take me some time to figure it all out, too. I would be more than happy to take it slow. We're just getting to know each other now, there is no point in putting any pressure on the situation. I think it's great you're comfortable telling me what you want and are honest about your past."
"Thank you. I want you to feel comfortable telling me what you want, too," I smiled back at him and stroked the top of his hand with my thumb.
"I'm sure, in good time, we will find out everything the other wants and needs. There is just one thing that I need right now," John raised one eyebrow.
"What's that?"
John slowly leaned across the table, I felt my body instinctually leaning in across the table toward him. When we met in the middle, John stopped so that his lips were mere inches away from mine.
"I need this," he whispered. John planted one single soft kiss on my lips. When he slowly leaned back to look into my eyes, I felt a thrill run up my spine, sending goose bumps across my skin. My lips were still tingling. It was the most romantic moment of my life.
Over the next three months, we spent every day together. Sometimes it even felt like I was living with him. Some weekends we went on short trips to Santa Barbara, Palm Springs, and Las Vegas, we wanted to experience everything together. I started to leave a pair of scrubs at his house, he even came over to my apartment a few times. We wanted to know every single little detail about each other.
It didn't take long for me to admit that I was a virgin. Even though I felt somewhat uncomfortable telling him, I was overjoyed by how respectful and understanding he was toward my desire to wait a while. I told him I had always wanted to be in love with the man that took my virginity. I didn't want it to be someone random or a casual encounter. I wanted it to mean something. John was a true gentleman. He told me a fair amount about his ex-girlfriends and the casual escapades he used to have. I knew it wasn't easy for him to stop having sex in order to wait for me to be ready but it showed me even more how much he cared.
I could feel myself falling for John. During the moments I caught him staring at me, I could tell he was starting to fall in love with me, too. It seemed like everything was perfect. He was more than I could have ever asked for. John treated me like I was the Queen of Sheba, I wanted him to be my king. We spent so much time together that Brooke was starting to feel neglected from our girl time. We decided to have a girl's night so that we could catch up.
"I can't believe we live together and I don't ever see you!" Brooke exclaimed before ordering us lemon drop shots from the bartender.
"I know, I'm sorry that I kind of disappeared on you. I've been working long hours and have been at John's most of this week."
"Don't be sorry! You're having fun! If I were dating someone as sexy as John, you wouldn't see me for a year! I'm surprised you're even able to put your pants on and leave the house! Seriously, I would be on him like white on rice, girl. So….?" Brooke nudged me and flashed a devious smile.
"So?"
"…Sooo?"
"So what?"
"So are you still a virgin?" Brooke said loudly.
"Oh my God, Brooke, we're in public," I said, embarrassed by the group of guys that had just started staring at us from across the bar. Guys always act like virgins are unicorns.
Brooke laughed at my reaction. She turned around and waved at the guys; one of the guys raised his beer mug and winked at her. She smiled back, turning back toward me. "Soooo? Has he taken your virginity yet?"
"No, not yet," I said in a low voice, glancing back toward the other tables to make sure no one heard me. "I mean, I've thought about it. I just want it to be the right time. How did you know that you were ready?"
"I don't know. It's like you always say: is anyone ever ready for anything? Sometimes you just have to know what you want and go for it. I think it's good that you have been taking everything slowly with John but don't be afraid to let your guard down, too. He seems like a really fantastic match for you," Brooke encouraged.
"Yeah, everything between us has seemed really natural. I just want us to be in love with each other before I decide to lose my virginity to him. I'm not so sure how to figure out if I'm really in love with him or not. Sometimes when I really look at him, when I notice the way he scrunches his nose when he's thinking about something really hard or the way he crosses his arms when he gets really hungry, I feel like I couldn't be without him. I get this weird glowing feeling in my chest."
"Anna, it sounds like you're already in love with him," Brooke's mouth curled into a big smile.
"Really? How do you know you're in love?"
Brooke's facial expression became more serious. She's had many lovers, but she had only really been in love once. Even though they haven't been together for two years, I had been confident that they would end up getting married in the long run. "When people fall in love, their whole sense of self changes. They take on new traits and characteristics; they become influenced by their new partner and start to see the world in a new way. Sometimes you can feel the difference, sometimes other people notice it in you. I personally think you know you're in love when you want to tell everyone about it, even when they haven't asked. You begin to appreciate the other person's insecurities, obsessions, every part of them. When you're in love, you miss the other person when they are away, regardless of how much time you have spent together. Have you felt anything like that before?"
"Yeah, I think so. Sometimes I realize I'm thinking about John, and then I begin to wonder how long he has been on my mind. Then I suddenly realize that he has never left my mind since the moment I first saw him online. He makes me want to be a better person." It was the first time I had admitted that out loud. I had been keeping all of this to myself for so long that it felt good to get it all out.
"Anna, you, my friend, are in love with John."
"I think you might be right," I whispered. That's the moment it all came together in my head. I love John. I had loved John for a while. It just took one night to step away and see us together from an outside perspective. I wanted to rush to John's house, throw my arms around his neck and confess my love to him. I wondered if John felt the same way, could he love me the way I loved him?
Brooke ordered a round of tequila shots. "Let's toast! To love! Let's hope Cupid hits you hard enough for the both of us."
We took a shot and cringed at the strong, burning taste. "So enough about me, what have you been up to? How is the new man in your life?"
"Which one?" Brooke joked, we both laughed.
Even though Brooke was still serial dating and happily single, I was glad she was so supportive of me starting a relationship with John. I was lucky to have such a great friend and to be dating such an amazing man.
Once we left the bar, Brooke offered to split a taxi with me, but I told her I already had plans to go to John's house. Brooke decided to stay at the bar with the guy that had winked at her earlier, I decided to take an Uber to John's house. I was feeling tipsy off of the multiple rounds of shots we had taken and had just enough liquid confidence to let him know my new realization.
I hopped into the front seat of the Uber and headed to John's Malibu home. The entire ride there, I tried to form the right words in my head. John and I were still dating and taking things slowly like we had agreed upon in the beginning. Was it backward to tell someone you love them before you get into a relationship? I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else, but he wasn't exactly mine yet. Would he feel negatively toward me being in love with him?
I had so many questions about love and relationships that I started to talk to tell my Uber driver about John and asked if he had ever been in love before. The driver's name was Steven, he was in his mid-sixties and moved to California from China in 1980.
"Love is the most beautiful thing in the world, Anna. Love is not something to be afraid of. Learn to love without c
ondition. Talk without bad intention. Give without any reason. And most of all, care for people without any expectation. Buddha said, 'In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.' Tell John you love him. You should never hesitate to let someone know how much you care about them. Regardless of how they feel in return, it will always be significant to them. It is nice to know someone is there to support and love you. Even if John does not feel the same way that you do right now, that does not mean he will not feel the same way later. You do not have anything to lose, Anna. Let your heart guide you, and you will never go wrong," Steven assured me.
Before I got out of the car, I gave Steven a hug. He had caused every doubt I had about telling John to fade away. I text John that I had arrived and walked toward his house. As I walked down the sidewalk, I saw him waiting for me at the door.
I stopped a few steps in front of him and set my purse on the ground. I could tell he was caught off guard but didn't say anything. He simply stood there in the doorway, staring back at me. I felt my heart beating in my chest, but I didn't move. My spine was straight, my hands were down by my side, my hair swept across my back as the wind gently flowed past me.
"John, I love you."
The words fell out of my mouth. My hands were steady, my mind was completely focused on John's eyes. I saw a small shift in his expression, but he stayed still, looking into my eyes.
"I love you too, Anna."
As soon as he said my name, I ran toward him. I jumped into his arms as he embraced me in a passionate kiss. I felt a rush of emotion soar through my body. I was so happy that I almost wanted to cry. I never thought that I was going to be able to find someone to like, I was over-the-moon ecstatic to find someone to love, especially someone as amazing as John. I loved him, he loved me back — there was nothing at that moment that could make me happier.
John picked my purse off of the pavement and welcomed me inside. When we sat down on the couch together, he sent his hands through my hair.
"I knew I loved you about a month ago. Do you remember that day I got sick with the flu, and you stayed home to take care of me? No one had ever been so kind to me. No one had ever gone out of their way to make sure I had everything I need. You saw me at my worst, and you still cared. That was the day I realized I was in love with you. I told myself it would be an honor to have someone like you love me back," John kissed me again.
I was confused and overjoyed at the same time. "A month ago? Why didn't you say anything until now?"
"You said you wanted to take it slow. I didn't want you to feel like you had to say it back. I wasn't sure if you were ready for that, so I wanted to be respectful. At the same time, it was really hard to keep inside. I wanted to scream it from the mountaintops. Anna, I love you so much," John told me again.
"I love you too. I love everything about you. I don't know how to say this, but I've been thinking about this for a while… I want you to be my first," I held my breath. I didn't know what he was going to say back. I figured he had been waiting to have sex for so long that he would jump at the opportunity; however, by the look on his face, I wasn't so sure that we were on the same page.
"Anna…"
"Like I said before, I wanted to lose my virginity to someone I was in love with, someone who loved me back the same way. I've found that, and I'm ready. This is what I want," I said sincerely.
"I don't think it's a good idea for you to decide right now. You have been drinking. You might feel differently about this tomorrow."
"But you're not worried I will feel differently about loving your tomorrow, do you?"
"No, Anna, I'm not worried. I know you love me. I can tell by the way you kiss me," John smiled and kissed me again.
"I really do love you. I want to show you that."
"We don't have to have sex for me to know you love me, I know you care about me. I feel like you need more time. It's not up for discussion," John said firmly. He rarely put his foot down.
"Tomorrow morning then."
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes, tomorrow morning. All of the liquor will have worn off, and I will still feel the same way. Will you take my virginity in the morning?" I wanted to beg him, but I knew he was stubborn.
"Yes, if that's what you still want in the morning, then that is what I want too," John said.
We watched a movie before going to bed. As we laid on the couch together, I couldn't help but drop my gaze down to his crotch. I tried to see the outline of his cock through his pants, but it was hard to tell. I wondered what it would be like to finally have sex. I hoped it wouldn't hurt too much. Brooke always said it didn't hurt too bad as long as you wanted it badly. I knew that I wanted John, I wanted him to be my first time. I loved him, he was the right person, and I was confident of it. I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Every time he adjusted his weight, I would look down to try to see his cock. I was feeling myself getting wet just thinking about what it was going to feel like. We went to bed around 11:00 that night. As we cuddled together on his king-sized bed, I struggled to go to sleep. My mind was alert and excited, anticipating what the morning would be like. Would he feel comfortable taking the lead? Would he be willing to teach me everything I needed to know? Would he rather be with someone that knows what they are doing? What if I end up being bad in bed? What if we aren't able to form a connection and it ends up being awkward? Should I have watched porn in order to get some experience and have a general idea of what I was doing? It was difficult trying to get my mind to sit still. Even though I was confident about the way I felt toward John, I was starting to get anxious about how he would feel about me after having sex. How much would it change our relationship? If I end up being extremely attached to John after I lose my virginity to him, is there a chance he will end up becoming less attached to me?
I felt his warm breath against my neck as he inhaled and exhaled. I felt the softness of his skin beneath my fingertips and the faint smell of his sweet cologne. I laid awake, staring at the ceiling. I wasn't sure if I could go to sleep, knowing what was going to happen when I woke up.
I let my mind wander. I thought about all of the times I used to watch the romantic films with my parents. I'd dreamed of meeting someone like John, and here I was, laying in his arms inside of a Malibu mansion. I wasn't sure if it could get any better than that. I thought about all of the times I had pushed away thoughts about falling in love—I suddenly felt crazy for being so resistant toward it. I wanted everything with John, and in turn, I wanted to give him everything. I was overwhelmed by the pulsing sensation between my legs. I slid my panties off, dropping them off to the ground. I pulled my tank top over my head, feeling my hair spread across my toned back. I ran a hand down my body, feeling the curve of my breasts and my hard nipples, my tight waist and the wetness between my legs.
I lost track of time as I lay there, dreaming about what it was going to be like to feel John inside of me. After all of this time, there had been so much sexual tension growing between us. I wanted to release it. I looked at the clock, noticing it was already 1:00 AM. I couldn't take it anymore. I needed John in a way I had never needed another man before.
I heard John's deep inhales as he slept quietly. I picked up his hand, slid it down my body and in between my legs. I glided his fingers across my wet clit and against my wet pussy. As soon as he felt the wetness, he woke up, picking his head up off of the pillow to look down at my naked body.
"Baby," John whispered gruffly, spreading the wetness from my pussy up to my clit. He started to rub my clit gently as he took one nipple into his mouth.
"I couldn't wait any longer. I want you so badly, John," I whispered back. He lifted his head, I started kissing his lips and sending my tongue into his mouth as he played with my clit. I released a soft moan, feeling his breath on my lips.
"I thought we were going to wait until the morning."
"It's 1:00 AM, it's the morning,
" I smiled.
"I love you, baby," John whispered before kissing me again.
John grabbed my right hand and slid it down to his boxer briefs. He placed my hand right on top of his hard cock. I grabbed his shaft, feeling the strength of his cock. It was the first time I had ever felt a cock before. I stroked it from outside of his briefs, feeling the way the head felt in comparison to the rest of his shaft. I slid my hand down to gently feel his balls then grabbed the thickness of his cock once again. John released a soft moan before he pulled off his boxer briefs. I looked down to see his hard eight-inch cock. I held it in my hand for a second, examining the full length of it, before I started to glide my hand up and down it. I noticed the smooth texture of the skin and the softness of his cock head.
As I played with John's cock, he moved his hand between my legs once again. He started to circle my clit with the tip of his finger. John spread my lips and sat up so that he could see my tight pink pussy.
"Oh my God," he whispered to himself as he started to stroke my clit again, watching every motion he made.
I leaned my head back, feeling myself get wetter with each motion. I tightened my grasp on his cock, stroking it faster the wetter I got. John moved his fingers down and slid one into my tight pussy. I clenched against it as he slowly fit it in. He held his finger inside of me for a minute and looked into my blue eyes to see my reaction.
