by Tia Lewis
I saw another nurse named Jackie walk in the door. She was running late and rushed over to the same computer I was at.
"Do you mind if I clock in real quick?" Jackie asked desperately, gesturing toward the keyboard I was resting my hands on motionlessly.
"Oh, yeah, of course. Go ahead," I said. I stepped to the side and looked back over toward the whispering nurses.
Jackie must have noticed how uncomfortable the other nurses were making me because she immediately scoffed and rolled her eyes. "They're nothing to worry about, honey. The two of them gossip about everyone. They never have their facts straight anyway. If you want some good, accurate gossip, you should talk to the cleaning lady on the second floor. She knows everything about everyone."
"Do you know what they are saying about me? Did I do something wrong?" I said curiously, trying to gain my confidence by not letting it get to me.
"Ah you know, nothing really. I heard a rumor going around about you having a fling with one of the doctors, but nurse/doctor affair rumors are pretty popular around here. Every new nurse gets a strange rumor spread before the end of their first year. Don't worry about it, everyone will stop talking about it by lunch," Jackie said casually.
"Is that something that happens a lot here? Nurses and doctors getting together?" I questioned timidly.
"Not too often. One of the head nurses got caught cheating on her husband with one of the paramedics, but I only heard about that one because she got fired. I'd assume if anyone were dipping their pen in company ink, they would want to keep it a secret," Jackie gestured toward the computer, "All done, have a good shift!"
"Yeah, you too! Thanks!" I said kindly, trying to act normal.
I could feel my hands getting clammy as I thought about what Jackie said. So it was true, John and I could get fired if we got caught. I was already in love with John, there was no going back now, but I had to admit it made me nervous. I wondered how the nurses caught on to John and me. Did they see the way we look at each other? Did we arrive around the same time too often? Did someone see us out in public together? I know John hadn't told anyone about me, as I had requested, and I hadn't told anyone about him. Where could this rumor possibly come from?
I didn't want to worry about it too much. I didn't want to tell John that people were starting to question us because I didn't want to worry him either. He had an important procedure coming up to focus on, and he didn't need any distractions. Besides, they didn't even mention him specifically, the rumor was that I could be with a doctor in general. I decided to focus on what Jackie had said about the rumor being gone by lunch. I tried to focus my attention back toward the night I had spent with John.
I started to think about our dinner from a Chinese delivery, I thought about being back in his warm bed. Then, I started to think about how we had been dating for six months, were madly in love with each other, but for some reason, we were not in a relationship. I knew that John was taking us seriously, but I wondered if there was something about me he was hesitant about. Was he holding back because he was afraid of commitment? Or was he still trying to figure out if we were a good fit?
Now that I knew I really was risking my job by being with him, I wanted to know where we were at. I wanted to know exactly how he felt about me and to know he wasn't afraid of commitment anymore. It may seem childish to want that official 'title' so badly, but I had never had that with anyone. I wanted the man who took my virginity and promised to be there for me to also have the title of my boyfriend. I wanted to be able to tell my friends about him and let them know that I was in a relationship now. I hadn't even told anyone about him besides Brooke. If John and I were going to be spending most of our free time together, I should feel comfortable enough to ask him what he thinks about us being together.
John and I had only talked about being in a relationship once or twice. We both had acknowledged that was what we wanted to work toward. I knew I told him I wanted to go slow but the second time I brought up starting an official relationship, he said that he wasn't ready for that. There was really no difference in what we were doing at that point and a relationship; the only difference was the title. After I had given my virginity to him, I didn't see why he would not want to give me the title of being his girlfriend.
I felt as though I was being immature and tried to put my doubts to the side. There was nothing wrong with being in an undefined relationship, but I wanted more certainty. I wanted to know John was taking our relationship as seriously as I was.
I dropped my purse and lunch off at my locker. I looked at my watch, noticing I was ten minutes early. John had arrived for work an hour ahead of me; I figured I would stop by his office. When I got to his door, it was closed. John's door was usually wide open, even if he wasn't inside. I looked back and forth down the hall, no one was in sight. I knocked on the door twice.
The door opened quickly, but John wasn't there. A short older woman poked her head around the wooden door with one eyebrow raised. She looked up and down my body, squinting her eyes. I recognized the lady from the Human Resources department of the hospital.
"Doctor Michaels and I are just about finished. Wait here," she spat and then slammed the door in my face.
I stood there, staring at the dark wood. What was she talking about? What did she need to talk to John about? Was something wrong? I stepped to the side of the door and leaned against the wall. It was rare to see someone from the HR department outside of their offices. I had a weird feeling in my gut that something wasn't right.
I heard the door knob turn before the lady rushed out of the room. She released a small grunt under her breath as she passed me. I stood up away from the wall and watched her storm down the hallway. John suddenly walked out of his office and grabbed me by the arm.
"Get in my office, we need to talk." He pulled me inside, closing the door behind him.
When I walked into the office, John quickly closed the door behind me. I was confused, I had never seen John look so worried before. I was afraid something really, really bad had just happened. I sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk while he paced back and forth, running his fingers through his hair.
"Babe are you okay?" I asked him, I could tell he wasn't. I didn't know if it were something he would want to share with me. Maybe it was something personal, maybe he had a death in the family and needed time off. My mind started to race. John wasn't responding, he was staring at the floor as he walked along the outside of the room. I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and raised my voice even more. "John! You're freaking me out! What are you doing? What's wrong? What did that woman just say to you?"
"They know, Anna. They know about us," John kept pacing back and forth.
I felt my heart sink into my stomach and the color leave my cheeks. There was a chill that ran up my spine and through my veins. Everything I had been worried about was actually happening. Someone knew, they had found out about John and I sneaking around outside of work. I started to think quickly. I wondered if the whispering nurses had spread so many rumors that it had gotten around to the higher ups. I wondered if the news had gotten around to the cleaning lady on the second floor that Jackie had told me about. If she said it was true, then everyone would not question it at all. Even though they might know, they do not know for sure if they do not have proof. "What? How? Who said something? Who saw us? When did this happen?"
John kept running his hands through his hair, I was worried he was about to start pulling his hair out. "I don't know who saw or who said something. That lady from HR just told me that there is a video of you and I getting into the same car and kissing in the parking lot. I can't believe this is happening."
"A video?"
"Yeah, from the security cameras. The lady said someone dropped the video footage off at their office anonymously," John sighed. I could tell he was trying to stay calm but panicking on the inside.
"Who would have done that? Why would someone go out of their way to get us in trouble? Why w
ould they even care that much?" I sat back down and crossed my arms. I was trying to think of every person I had met at the hospital, narrowing down who it might be.
"I have a feeling I know who it is," John admitted. He sat down in the chair next to me. "There's something I have been meaning to tell you…"
"What is it?" My heart skipped a beat again. I could tell John was about to say something that I didn't want to hear.
"This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I have dated a couple of nurses in the past and was caught with one of them before," John let the words fall out of his mouth and then held his breath as he waited for my response. He looked between my eyes, I could tell he was gauging what I thought. "I have a feeling that nurse found out about us, got jealous, and wanted to get her revenge by turning the tape in. She was transferred to another hospital but came back here to help with training last week."
"Are you fucking kidding me? I thought you said you hadn't dated someone in a long time?" I could feel my blood boiling. I was absolutely livid. I thought that John and I had been open about everything, little did I know he was hiding an important piece of information all along.
"I guess using the word dating is being generous. We weren't really dating, we were just having casual sex. Someone walked in on us while we were having sex in one of the hospital beds. Luckily, dipping your pen in company ink is not illegal, it is just unethical and frowned upon. I was let off with a warning; however, this was my second chance, and I'm not sure they will be so easy on me this time. This is going to make me look really bad, I don't want my reputation to be tarnished. I would hate for everyone to think that I'm distracted from my work or that my choices will affect my performance level in the operating room," John put his hand down on his knee, and his gaze drifted off toward the floor.
"John, I cannot believe you're worried about your reputation right now. You've made me look like just another nurse that you're fucking outside of work. You should have told me that there were women here that you had been with before, women that I was working side by side with on a regular basis. You've made me look like a fool. I was completely honest about my past with you, and you should have been honest with me. You shouldn't have convinced me that there was nothing to worry about when you were caught doing the exact same thing that I was afraid of being caught for," I rolled my eyes and shook my head. I was completely dumbfounded by this situation. I could feel myself getting overwhelmed by all of the emotions flowing through my heart.
"Look, I know I was wrong. I should have been upfront with you about what had happened before, but I didn't think you would want to hear about it. I'm sorry for letting it get to this point, but it takes two to tango. You had an equal part in this. You knew the risks just as much as I did so we need to face the consequences together," John reached out to touch my arm, but I yanked it away from him.
I tried to put the images of John fucking another woman in a hospital bed out of my mind. It was in the past, I had already accepted that he had a few wild years where he was more sexually adventurous than I would ever want to be. I knew that he had made decisions that I wasn't necessarily supportive of but was willing to accept him for who he was in the past, present, and future. I had to let that go, for now, there were more important matters to address. I didn't want to let the mental images consume me. "So what do we do now? We could just deny all of it, say that you were just giving me a ride home and we weren't actually kissing. Have you seen the video? Maybe it isn't clear enough to tell either way," I suggested. Perhaps there was a chance that we were not in as much trouble as I imagined.
"I'm not sure. I think we should be as transparent as possible. I don't think this is a good time to lie or try to cover up the truth," John said softly.
"So what—you just want to tell them that you took my virginity and that we are in love? That's what you want to tell them, John? You think that is going to make the situation better?" I was starting to get angry. I knew I was getting a condescending tone with him, but I couldn't help it. In my head, I was starting to blame him for us getting caught. If he had told me that he had been casually fucking co-workers at the hospital, I wouldn't have even entertained the idea of going on a date with him. He knew how nervous I was about something like this happening. John should have done everything to make sure this never happened. "If you want to be honest, let's tell them that we are in a relationship and that we have been keeping our personal lives separate from work. We can ensure them that our relationship will not interfere with our work lives."
"We aren't in a relationship, Anna. And we can't ensure that this won't interfere with work because it already has. I think we need to take a step back and look at everything from an outside perspective," John took a deep breath. I could feel the stress falling from his chest as he exhaled. Maybe he was starting to feel better, but I felt like I just took a blow to the chest.
"Take a step back? What do you mean take a step back?"
"I mean we need to reexamine what we are doing. Our careers are very important to both of us, and we have really great lives because of this hospital. We cannot continue to put our personal lives in front of our careers. All I'm saying is let's take some time to figure out what we want out of all of this so that we can figure out what the next step is, what our action plan should be," John tried to make eye contact, but I was staring at my hands in my lap. "Anna, look at me."
When I lifted my eyes to meet him, tears starting pouring down my cheeks. "What's there to figure out? Why do you need time to think about this? I don't need time, I know what I want. I want to keep my job, but I want you, I thought we were already starting a relationship together. I thought that is where all of this was going. Why else would I have put everything on the line to fall in love with you? You just took my virginity two months ago, how can you act like that isn't a big deal? Now you just want to take a step away from everything—from me—because you're what—afraid? You're worried that things may not go your way, so you run as soon as there is conflict? I can't believe you, John," my voice cracked as I tried to wipe my tears away. John reached out toward me but I stood up and moved away from him.
"Do you know how hard I have worked to get where I am? Do you know how difficult it is to become such a successful surgeon? I have worked my ass off to reach this point in my career. I'm not going to just give that up. I want you too, but I also want to make sure my status is protected before I make any rash decisions," John said bluntly.
"Rash decisions? Seriously, you're such a fucking asshole. You dug your own grave, John. No one forced you to think with your cock instead of your head. You put yourself in this situation. Don't act like you're the victim because everyone is seeing you for who you truly are, instead of the big famous doctor that can do no wrong," I spat. My body shook with anger.
John stood up and moved closer to me, I took a step back again. "I'm not playing the victim, I'm trying to take care of myself. I'm trying to take care of us. If the best thing to do is take a step back to look at the situation because if that is what's best for us, then that is what I'm going to do. That is the logical explanation. Don't call me an asshole in my own office," he said firmly with a cross look on his face.
"You aren't trying to do what's best for us, you're trying to do what's best for you. At this point, I'm not sure if there can be an 'us' if you can't even be honest with me or if you try to run away as soon as there's a sign of difficulty. I know you're afraid of commitment but you can't take that out on me. You're my first love, how can you not see how much you mean to me?" Tears poured down my cheeks and dripped down to my scrubs. I tried to compose myself, but I couldn't catch my breath.
"Anna, I love you, I really do. I want to work this out so that we can move forward. I don't want to lose you. That's not what I'm saying at all," John said softly. "I hate seeing you cry, it's too much to bear."
John held my face and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. He placed a soft kiss on my forehead. He bent down to try to kiss me, but
I pulled back and grabbed his hands.
"It's now or never, John. I need to know if you're going to stay by my side. You either want me, all of me, every inch of who I am, or you don't. I'm only going to ask you this once. Do you want me to be your girlfriend? Do you want to be in a relationship with me?" I held my breath while I waited for his answer. I was honestly not sure what he was going to say. I loved him so much, I was sure that he loved me the same way. I knew he wanted me, he wanted to be there for me, I just needed to hear him say it.
John shifted his weight between his feet. He looked into my eyes. "I'm just not ready yet," he said softly. "I'm so sorry."
The second the words came out of his mouth, I felt as if a knife had been stabbed into my heart. I let out a loud cry, and then the tears started quickly flowing once again. "Fine, you've made your decision," I said quickly before rushing toward the door, throwing it open and storming out of the office.
I quickly walked down the hallway, trying to keep my head down so no one could see my tears. I tried to wipe them away, but there was no use. I could tell my face was more red and swollen than it had been in a long time. I could feel myself trying to catch my breath as if I was having a panic attack. I immediately went into the bathroom, locked myself in the stall, and sat down on the toilet. I put my head down between my legs, trying to take deep breaths as I looked at the tiled floor. How could he feel that way? How could he just give up like that? This whole time, he loved me, but he loved his job more. He never wanted me, he never wanted a relationship with me. He just wanted to drag me along and use me as one of his play toys until he got bored or it inconvenienced him.
