by Tia Lewis
For the first time, I was finally ready to admit it to myself: Anna was the one; she's my soulmate. She was the first person that I could ever see a future with. I was starting to imagine living the rest of my life alone. I was starting to feel content with the idea of never having children or a family that I could come home to. It just didn't seem like that was the direction my life was heading in. It was disappointing in a way, but I knew I could live with that. I was satisfied with my career, I wanted more, but at least I had everything I needed. When I met Anna, all of that changed. I was no longer satisfied being alone because I found someone that made something as simple as breathing so much better. I had caught myself dreaming of having a family with Anna and starting a life with her. Since realizing that was what I wanted, everything beyond that seemed so empty and useless.
A kiss is just a kiss until you find the one you love. A hug is just the hug until you find the one you're always thinking of. A dream is just a dream until it comes true. Love was just a word until I met Anna. There are a lot of people in the world. No one ever sees the same way you do; it just isn't that realistic. But I found someone that understood me; she understood the way I saw the world.
I know Anna deserves better than me, but no one will love her more than I do.
Even if Anna was moving on, I knew that I wasn't capable of that. I knew that I would spend every day listening to the sound of her voice in the hallway. Every day would feel a little brighter if I got to hear her laugh and every day would be a little worse if I didn't. I didn't want to live each day with my mistakes hanging over my head. Anna wanted nothing to do with me, and that was the hardest burden I would ever have to bear.
If I was going to move forward with my life, I was going to have to make a change. I was going to have to find new meaning to my life. I needed a fresh start. That was it. That single thought lifted my spirits. I typed out a brief letter and printed it. I signed the bottom in black ink, reviewing the words in front of me.
I put the letter into a manila folder and tucked it under my arm. I started to take my tie off as I walked down the hallway. I rolled it into a ball and shoved it into my pocket. I took my coat off and dangled it over my left arm. I kept my eyes fixed straight in front of me, not wanting to look at a single person. I was in my own world. As I passed by the nurses' station, I felt multiple sets of eyes dart toward me. I was rarely seen strolling around the hospital without my coat, so I'm sure it seemed rather unusual.
However, one pair of familiar eyes focused on me from across the room. I could feel Anna watching me, but I didn't dare to turn toward her. I couldn't bear to feel the weight of the despair in her eyes once again. I couldn't be reminded of why I had just typed that letter. I just wanted to deliver it. That was the only thing that was driving me forward. I quickly walked through the room and took the elevator to the eighth floor.
Once the elevator door opened, I took a few steps forward before I arrived at the Human Resources department. I walked straight past the receptionist as she tried to greet me. I walked straight to the back of the office and opened the door to see the same shorter, older woman who had threatened Anna's and my job just three weeks ago. The last woman I saw before the abrupt end to my relationship with my love.
I set the manila folder down on her desk.
"This is my letter of resignation. I no longer work here."
Anna
The smell of spices filled the restaurant air. As the hostess walked me toward my table for two, I couldn't help but notice how softly each white table cloth fell across the tables or how they were all lined with the same crystal wine glasses and silk napkins. I hadn't been to such an upscale restaurant in a while. I hadn't been on a date since John. It may have only been three weeks since our separation, but the days had dragged on more than I ever would have imagined.
As I sat at the elaborate table waiting for my date, I thought of the times that I was too afraid to fall in love and how similarly I felt now. The only difference was back then I didn't know what I was missing out on, so it was easier to say I wasn't interested in love. Now, I knew the full spectrum of it. I knew how great the highs could be and how traumatic the lows were. I knew how easy it was to fall in love and how hard it could be to restart your life with a hole in it. I was still trying to pick up all the pieces again while noticing that some of them were left with John. I wanted to move on, but I wasn't sure if I was ready or even able to.
I couldn't imagine finding someone that I cared about as much as John. I imagined anything that even came close to John would be settling. It was painful to know that he hadn't made an effort to reach out to me over the last three weeks. Earlier on in the day, I made eye contact with him for the first time in almost a month. I felt as though I was doing better; I was working toward being able to start my day without thinking of what John was doing. I was starting to think of my life without John and what that would mean to me. The second our eyes met, all of the same feelings flooded back into my heart. I felt butterflies in my stomach and a pain in my heart at the same time.
I wondered if he thought anything of Lucas and me walking together. I wondered how many women he had been with since we parted ways, or if he ever thought of me anymore. Even as he walked past the nurses' station later on, he didn't even inspect the room as he usually did. There was something strange about the way he kept his focus forward and walked with intention. It was as if he was walking away from something. I couldn't help but want to walk with him.
I had a lot of questions about love and no one to ask. Brooke was a wonderful friend, but she wasn't the person to ask about broken hearts. If John and I weren't supposed to be in love anymore, then why did I still feel a light inside of me when our eyes met? I didn't have the answers, and I didn't know where to go to get the answers. I was just ready for a distraction, anything that would take my mind off of John.
Lucas was the best distraction that I ever could have imagined. I didn't think I was ready to date, but it was easy to ignore that feeling when I was around Lucas. His confidence made me want to forget that little voice inside of me that said he's not the one. Maybe I didn't need to find the one for me; I just needed to spend some time with the one for right now. Lucas seemed harmless enough, and I was in need of a little adventure.
I waved at Lucas when I saw him walk in the door. When he saw me sitting at the candlelit table, his face started to glow. As he walked toward me, I couldn't help but notice a purple and blue bruise that had spread across his jawline. Lucas was obviously not fazed by my surprised expression as he kissed my cheek and sat down across from me, spreading a silk napkin across his lap.
"Hey, sorry I'm late. I got caught up in some traffic. How are you? Did you order an appetizer already?" Lucas asked calmly as he opened a menu.
"No, what happened? Did you get into a fight? Are you alright?"
"What? This?" Lucas asked pointing to his jaw. "Yeah, it's nothing to worry about. I just want to worry about you. Have you looked over the menu?"
"Not yet…"
"They don't have as big of a selection as I would have hoped for. I guess let's just order some wine and ask what the specials are," Lucas said, signaling for the waiter to come over. He ordered two glasses of Merlot and bruschetta.
Something felt like it wasn't right. Lucas was acting strangely; it was as if he was hiding something. I didn't want to pry, but I also didn't like the feeling of being misled. I wasn't used to being around men that seemed to be so comfortable hiding something from me.
"Lucas, what happened to your jaw?"
"Nothing."
"I'm a nurse. I know the signs of a left hook when I see one. Who hit you?" I was worried but also unnerved that he wasn't being straightforward with me.
"It doesn't matter, I don't want to talk about it," Lucas said, taking a sip of the Merlot the waitress had just dropped off. "I'd rather spend dinner talking about more important matters."
I could tell he was starting to get annoyed by my prying, but
I didn't want to let it go. I wasn't interested in the wine or looking over the menu or all of the other distraction tactics that Lucas was throwing at me. It was apparent he really didn't want me to know what had happened earlier, but it only made me want to know even more.
"Tell me what happened to your face," I demanded.
"I had a slight… disagreement…. earlier," Lucas admitted.
"What? What do you mean? Where?"
"At the hospital."
"With whom?"
"Seriously, Anna… I've already told you I don't want to talk about it."
"Lucas, stop avoiding my questions. Deception isn't attractive."
"Alright, fine. Your lover stopped by the pharmacy to have a little chat with me," Lucas scoffed and rolled his eyes.
I felt my heart skip a beat when Lucas mentioned John.
"John?"
"Yeah, John. He had a few things on his mind. We had a quick conversation, and then he punched me."
I raised my eyebrows and couldn't help but smile. The idea of Lucas and John talking was somehow amusing to imagine. "He punched you? Why? Are you okay? What did you talk about? What did he want?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. He just wanted to… warn me…"
"About what?"
"I guess John saw us in the hallway together and came to threaten me. He wanted me to stay away from you," Lucas took another sip of his wine.
I felt my heart jump again. I couldn't imagine John being so upset that he would actually physically hurt someone. This whole time I thought that he didn't care anymore but, if this was all true, he had to care still. If John didn't want Lucas to be around me, that meant he was still invested in us. But why didn't he say anything to me? Why didn't he want to talk about it instead of threatening Lucas?
"Anna, say something."
"What? Oh, sorry I'm just surprised. I'm sorry that happened to you, are you sure you're alright?"
"No, I think I'm going to need someone to take care of me. I'm probably going to need some bedside assistance, if you know what I mean," Lucas smiled and reached over for my hand, placing a kiss on top of it.
I blushed and pulled my hand away. I was nowhere ready to jump into another man's bed, and Lucas was being more suggestive than I was ready for. "Did you see anyone about your jaw? Was it dislocated?"
"I had one of the other nurses take a look at it; I'm going to be fine. I can't say the same for John though. He caught me off guard, but next time I'm not going to let him get the last hit."
"Alright, that's enough. I'm not going to let anyone get hurt for my sake again. I don't want the two of you fighting, especially over me. I'm sure he was just trying to look out for me," I suggested.
"Are you really defending him right now? I'm the one with a bruised jaw. I'm the one that took a hit for you. Why are you worried about John?" Lucas was getting annoyed again. I wasn't used to seeing this side of him. He was always really polite and caring. I wondered if he was finally showing his true colors or if this was just how he was when he got hurt. I didn't know him well enough to know the difference.
"I'm just trying to ease the tension a little. If I was still interested in working things out with John then why would I have come to dinner with you?" I said kindly, but I didn't know if I even believed my own words. When I first sat down at the table, I thought I wanted to move forward from John, but now things were a little different after tonight's revelations. There was a chance that John still cared, a chance that maybe we would talk one day. I couldn't help but hold onto that chance.
I tried to spend the rest of the dinner focused on Lucas. We had a nice conversation about what it was like for him to move from the Dominican and learn a new language. I told him about what it was like for me to move to California and how I was getting adjusted to the cultural differences. I thought everything was going pretty well. I had to acknowledge my attraction to Lucas. There was just something about him that seemed dangerous and unpredictable. At times it felt exciting, other times it felt somewhat uncomfortable. John had an edge to him, similar to Lucas, but John always made me feel safe. I felt like I was at home with him. I wasn't sure Lucas would give me the same feeling, but I was drawn to his carefree ways.
Lucas walked me out to the parking lot after our meal. We stood between our cars, looking up at the stars. Lucas leaned against his car and grabbed my waist, pulling me closer to him.
"Come home with me, Anna," Lucas insisted.
"I don't know, I don't think that's a good idea. I had fun, but it feels too soon."
"Just for tonight Anna, I promise you won't regret it. We can just watch movies and relax together," Lucas encouraged, but I knew he had more in mind.
"No, I need to get home. Perhaps another time," I said kindly as I pulled away from him, but he grabbed my waist and forced my body against his again.
"What's wrong? What's stopping you?"
"I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now. I just want to go home and think it all out…"
"You're thinking about John, aren't you? I knew I shouldn't have told you what happened earlier. I swear he just won't stop getting in my way," Lucas groaned.
"Getting in your way? What do you mean?"
"I mean I called dibs on you when you first started working at the hospital, but John went for you anyway. It took me months to find the parking lot footage of the two of you together to turn into HR, and that still didn't even get him fired. I swear, when I finish making copies of him hitting me in the pharmacy, I will ruin his life forever," Lucas gestured toward the videotapes in his backseat.
"That was you? You turned the video into HR? You could have made me lose my job! You ruined my relationship!" I was angry and disgusted at this revelation. I could feel my face getting hotter the longer I stood there. I could feel my hands shaking; I was so upset. This man caused John and me to break up. How could I have been so wrong about him?
"Yeah, I had to get you away from that asshole somehow. Besides, I knew you would want me, who could resist me? I've earned my reward, don't make me take it from you," Lucas demanded.
Before I could respond, Lucas launched himself forward and grabbed the back of my head as he forcefully kissed me. I tried to pull away, but he pinned my arms down. He pushed his body against mine so hard that I fell back against my car. I struggled against him, but he tightened his grasp on my wrists. I was starting to panic, I cried for help, but no one was around. A rush of adrenaline soared throughout my body. I picked up my left foot and shoved the tip of my heel into his shin. When Lucas released me and howled in pain, I swung my arm back and punched him hard in the exact same spot John had hit him earlier on in the day.
Lucas let out another cry of pain. Before I knew it, a group of men rushed out of the restaurant and saw what was happening. They immediately grabbed Lucas, threw him to the ground, and started to beat him up. As soon as I knew I was free, I opened Lucas' car door and grabbed the videotapes from his back seat. I threw them into my back seat and drove away as fast as I could. It wasn't until I reached the highway that I finally was able to breathe again. As soon as I took a deep breath, tears started to pour from my eyes.
I was in utter shock. I was absolutely terrified by what had just happened but also felt stronger than ever. I didn't even want to imagine what would have happened if I hadn't fought against Lucas or if the group of men hadn't come out of the restaurant when they did.
I got off of the 5 and started to merge onto Pacific Coast Highway. There were many times in my life that I wasn't sure of myself. I didn't know my direction. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted or what to do. But, at that moment, I had absolutely no doubts. I didn't have a second thought in my mind. I knew exactly my intention, my purpose, my goals, my strengths, my weaknesses, my hopes, my fears, my dreams. I knew my destiny.
I was going to go to Malibu. I was going to get John back.
Anna
I wasn't afraid to try again. I wasn't afraid of getting hurt for the same reason. I wasn't af
raid of my future or what it could lead to. I was only afraid of not being able to get a second chance.
Second chances are not given to make things right. They are given to prove that we could be better after we fall. Maybe John and I weren't ready the first time. Maybe it wasn't the right timing for us. Maybe everything needed to happen the way it did for us to be able to appreciate each other.
As I pulled down John's long Malibu driveway, I knew he was the one for me. I knew he still cared about me the way I cared for him. I wasn't going to spend one more night without him knowing how I felt. I knew he felt the same way and I was ready for him to admit that. I just hoped he was ready, too.
Following the path down John's driveway reminded me of the first time I went to his house. Things were so different then, I tried to figure out how it all could have gone so bad. The first time I came to John's house with him, I felt like I was finally getting everything I wanted from the world. He was the perfect man and, in my mind, he could do no wrong. I couldn't think of any incidence that could pull us apart. We were made for each other, no matter what happened we would be able to work it out. I never imagined that he would hide intimate details of his life from me, that he would want to live our lives apart from each other, or that we were even capable of going three weeks without interacting.
I remember when my Mom tried to warn me about love after her divorce—how complicated it can become. How your mind can play tricks on you, especially when you love someone. It's so hard to see clearly sometimes. I knew I was still in love with John and that never faded away. I just didn't know how to tell John that. I didn't know if I could handle rejection from him again, but I had to try, even if it made my heart stop in its place.
