by Unknown
I close my eyes, guilty as charged. Just great.
Chapter 9: A Fight Without Gloves
“Yes, Lucas. I always have been,” I say in defeat.
I feel so silly admitting that I love Aiden. I know I shouldn’t but I do because we’ve only known each other a short amount of time. Most of that time we’ve spent apart. I guess sometimes love just sneaks up on you when you least expect. My love for Aiden hit me like a bat to the face.
“Shit, well now I really feel like a jackass. I would’ve never pushed you and me had I known your feelings. I just figured you were too angry at him to start another relationship. I’m sorry, Em,” he says regrettably.
“No, Lucas. It’s me who should be sorry. I pretty much led you on, not intentionally though, but I did. I wanted to forget him and I thought…shit, I don’t know what I thought. Maybe if you and I hooked up it would change my feelings for him. Looking back, my entire rationalization was fucking immature and stupid,” I sigh.
“If you think you’re the first and only person to feel that way, you’re not. Plenty of people jump into new relationships when they’re not ready. I’m not saying it’s right but I think that you need to stop blaming yourself. I kept flirting with you, trying to steal you away from him and that wasn’t right. I’m kind of embarrassed by my behavior actually. I realize that if somebody truly wants to be with you, they will. Nothing you do will change their mind,” he says.
“How did you get so wise, Lucas?” I ask.
“A very good friend made me realize things. Yeah, she may have given me the worst case of blue balls in my life, but it was worth it,” he chuckles. “She taught me to be the best version of myself and once I do that, everything else will fall into place. Leslie was right in front of my eyes and I never really saw her. That friend made me realize what I originally wanted was not what I really needed.”
“Would this friend happen to be me by any chance?” I ask smirking.
“Now you’re just being conceited, Em. I really don’t know how you came to that impression,” he laughs.
“Fucking pain in the ass,” I mutter as Lucas envelopes me in a hug.
“I’m like the younger brother you wish you never had. Well, let’s make it step-brother or third cousin. I’m pretty sure the stuff we did to each other is illegal in most states,” he says.
“Ewwwwww!” I yell, playfully punching his stomach.
“Damn, Em. The abs are not your very own punching bag, you know?” he retorts.
“Ha, ha, very funny,” I say.
He pulls away, releasing his arms from my back. He looks down at me, concern still carved into his face.
“Are you okay, sweetheart? Like really okay?”
I reach down to touch my stomach, hoping that the run-in with Aiden didn’t stress out the baby. I really need to be more cautious. I’m so worried I could miscarry over the slightest upset. I look up at him, cracking a smile. I have to be okay. This baby needs me to be okay.
“Yeah. We’re okay,” I say.
“It’s so crazy that there’s a tiny life inside of you. It’s hard to believe it. I’m trying to get used to the idea. I will do everything I can to make sure that you guys are safe,” he says firmly.
“Thank you, Lucas. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do without you. Leslie is a lucky bitch, you know?” I smirk.
“Yeah, well, that’s what I tell her when she’s mad at me. Although, looking back, making that comment never helps to end a fight,” he says smartly.
“Okay, well we should probably head back inside. Don’t want the customers to start a riot if they don’t get their beer. A sober customer is never a happy customer,” Lucas says.
I laugh, nodding my head at him. Ugh, going back in there and seeing Aiden singing with that will woman…I don’t even want to think about it any further. It will tear me apart but it has to be done.
“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go,” I sigh to Lucas.
He opens the back door and I follow behind him.
“Does my face look okay? Like, do I look like a puffy-faced, emotional wreck?” I ask him.
“You look perfect, Em. Don’t worry about it,” he says.
My shoulders slump in relief.
Okay, Emma. Mask of indifference is in place. Emotions have gone down to a lull. You can do this.
We both walk out into the main room, and I notice that the music has stopped playing. I look over at the band and it seems like they are on a small break or something. I see everybody except Aiden drinking water and tuning their guitars. Hmmm…I wonder where he escaped to.
Ugh, don’t think about it, Emma. Go about your duties and think about him later. You need to call him and resolve any and all of your issues. Even if he’s moved on, so what? It may feel like a hot poker is being driven into your chest but get the fuck over it! He needs to know about his baby and your decision to move back to Arizona. I won’t lie or avoid him because I’m hurt. It’s unfair and cruel to do that to him. I’m not Jessica.
I go back to the bar and continue serving people, inconspicuously keeping an eye out for Aiden. I see the blonde-haired singer come up to the bar, looking beautiful and perfect and everything I fucking hate. It just so happens that Lucas is occupied and I’m the only free bartender. Just fucking great! I get to serve her and act like nothing is wrong and that I don’t want to cut her with the end of a broken beer bottle.
“Can I get a bottle of water? Room temperature,” she says, her voice practically accompanied by chimes.
“Sure can,” I say smiling.
I go back behind the bar, locating a bottle that hasn’t been put in the fridge yet. Fucking princess and her room temp water. You’re not putting on a show in an arena, bitch. Heaven forbid your voice is ruined by a little cold water.
I hand it to her and she smiles tightly, not thanking me at all. Well, I guess being friendly up on stage does not carry over off stage. Okay then.
“So, you guys were really good up there,” I say.
I’m trying to get information from her. Yeah, this fucking sucks.
“Oh, so you’re sweet. Yeah, the show was going pretty well until Aiden left,” she says, her accent caressing every word.
Aiden left? Why would he do that if he was supposed to play with them? She sees my puzzled expression.
“Aiden Crowe? Please tell me you’ve heard of him?” she says shocked.
“No, I know who he is. I’m just curious as to why he left. You guys sounded really good together,” I say, trying to keep my anger in check.
“Yeah, well, he up and left. He wanted to come here to play some songs with us but something happened,” she snorts. “I guess he was trying to surprise his girlfriend or whatever. Women practically throw themselves at him. I have no idea why he would want somebody in this gross little hole in the wall bar.”
My hands clench behind the bar. Does she want to get bitch slapped right now because she’s asking for it!
“No offense,” she says, barely looking at me.
I chuckle, not really believing this woman. So dense and beautiful, an unfortunate combination.
“Oh, no offense taken,” I say sarcastically, blatantly rolling my eyes at her.
I see the guitarist come up behind her, a cocky smile on his face.
“Hey, could you get me a water there, love?” he says to me, wrapping an arm around her shoulder.
I nod at him, noticing the cozy affection between the two of them. I put a water on the bar as he practically chugs it. I’m trying to figure out their relationship. Are they together together or just over-friendly band mates? I’m really confused now.
“So what did you think of us?” he asks me smugly, obviously wanting me to get down on my hands and knees, worshiping his guitar skills.
“Good. No We Fight, We Fall but good,” I reply smartly.
“Ouch. I like you American women. Very direct,” he says smiling, coming closer across the bar towards me.
I look over at Blon
die and see fire rising within her eyes. She obviously doesn’t like the attention he’s giving me. Well, you and me both.
“How about I show you how good I am after the show? Tell me you wouldn’t like that?” he says dropping his voice.
“I guess you don’t know her very well then. I suggest you back off and finish your set before something bad happens,” I hear a voice say behind him.
I look up, seeing an angry Lucas defending my honor.
“I was just talking to your girl, man. Chill out,” the guitarist says.
“She’s not my girl, she’s Aiden’s. If he finds you talking to her…” Lucas says.
“Whoa, you’re Emma? I’m sorry, love. I didn’t realize,” he says to me, his expression almost nervous now.
Wow, I guess this guy is really afraid of Aiden. I inwardly chuckle at him. He’s obviously a lowly, smug musician that was harmlessly flirting. Little did he know that he flirted with the wrong woman.
“You’ve heard of me? How…” I ask him confused before I’m interrupted.
“Jude, we need to finish our set,” Blondie says, practically pulling him away from us.
“Okay, Heather, chill the fuck out,” he says exasperated. “Are we okay? You won’t tell Aiden what happened?” he asks me almost pleadingly.
I nod at him, still puzzled by how he knew about me. His shoulders sag in evident relief.
“You guys have the worst taste in woman,” I hear Heather say to Jude as they walk away.
I start rounding the bar, deciding to teach this bitch a lesson. Just as I’m about to reach her, Lucas restricts me.
“Whoa, Em. Just calm down, okay? She’s not worth it. She’s just jealous,” Lucas says, trying to soothe me.
I try to relax, taking steady breaths. I know she’d not worth it but she just made me so fucking angry. I can feel my blood pressure quickly rising, instantly remembering that this is not good for a pregnant woman. I start to feel helpless and guilty, thankful that Lucas talked some sense into me before I made a colossal and irrational mistake.
“Look at me,” Lucas pleads as I obey.
“I…I’m sorry. I just lost my shit. You’re right, Lucas,” I say nodding.
“Do you need to go home? Tell me right now and I’ll take you. I don’t want you upset,” he says gently.
I shake my head side to side, adamant about staying here and keeping my anger under control.
“Okay, then. Just take it easy the rest of the night. Promise me,” he says firmly.
“I promise, Lucas,” I say, feeling like a naughty child.
“Good. Now back to work,” he says smiling lightly as he walks away.
I try to focus once again on cleaning and serving drinks. I hear the band start to play, not really paying attention to any of the songs. I make sure to avoid Heather or whatever her name is because the temptation to kick her ass is still brewing within me.
Throughout the night I see Lucas and Leslie giving me sympathetic looks. Ugh, now I’m the pregnant woman they feel sorry for. I just want to go home and forget this terrible night ever happened.
A few hours pass as most of the customers and the band dissipate. I don’t have any more exchanges with Jude or Heather, thank God!
Lucas informs me that he’s going over to Leslie’s for the night for some ‘alone time’ I’m guessing. He says that he’ll walk me home and I smile at him, grateful for his ever persistent protection.
I say goodbye to Lucas when we reach the apartment, relishing in some more me time.
I get to my room and practically throw myself on the bed. My palms moist, my heart thumping rapidly. Okay, you need to just call Aiden and get it out of the way. Once you do, you’ll feel better. Well, probably not, but I keep trying to tell myself that.
I pull out my phone, my finger frozen above his name. Fuck, just do it! Call him.
I press talk, just anticipating the sound of his voice on the other end. It rings several times and before I think he won’t answer, he picks up on the very last ring.
“What, Emma?” he asks sharply.
What the fuck? I really didn’t expect him to answer like that.
“I wanted to talk to you, Aiden,” I say, the surprised hurt hindering my voice.
What I want to say is ‘fuck you’ and ‘how dare you talk to me that way’ but I don’t. His tone deeply bothered me.
“When is it ever a good time? I came to the bar to surprise you tonight and I find you with Lucas. I told you that I wouldn’t be so forgiving and I guess you didn’t listen me,” he breathes out.
“I wasn’t with Lucas. I saw you singing with that blonde chick and you guys seemed a little…too friendly. I got upset and Lucas comforted me, that’s all,” I say, trying to not let my voice quiver.
“Don’t fucking put this on me, Emma. I was just singing with her and if you can’t tell the difference, than that’s your problem. Do you honestly think that I would want anybody else but you? You have no faith in me, in us, and you run to Lucas whenever you want to get back at me. Well, this time it worked,” he says chuckling harshly.
I suck in a sharp breath, trying to comprehend what he just told me. Everything has been a huge misunderstanding, at least on his part. He has the nerve to accuse me of cheating when I saw with my own two eyes how he looked at her.
“You listen to me right now, Aiden. I’m not with Lucas. I never really was and I never will be. We’re just friends and if you can’t trust me, than there’s nothing more I can say. I called you because there are things going on with me that you don’t know about. I wanted to talk to you and figure out where you and I stand. But…I guess I kind of already figured that out,” I say, my voice finally defeated.
“Fuck, Emma,” he says loudly into the phone. “I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I saw you two together. Do you know how much that fucking hurt?!” he says, his voice strained.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Aiden. Think what you want. I’m not going to be around for much longer anyway,” I say.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” he asks loudly, panic lacing his voice.
“One of the reasons I called was to say that I’m leaving. I’m moving back home to live with my mom and step-dad. I’m just done, Aiden,” I whisper.
I need to get away from this town. There has been nothing but pain and heartache lying in wait for me. It’s not healthy remaining here. I can’t keep fighting with Aiden or everybody else for that matter, especially while I’m pregnant.
“Emma, baby, you don’t mean that. Look, I’m sorry for freaking out on you. You’re just upset right now and not thinking clearly,” he rushes out.
“No, Aiden. It’s so much more than that. You and I…we’re not healthy. I just…I need to talk to you in person tomorrow. It’s something important that I don’t want to talk about over the phone. We need to make peace before I leave.”
“I believe you if you say that you weren’t with Lucas. Even if you were, I don’t fucking care. Please, Emma. Don’t do this, baby. You can’t leave. You can’t give up in me. We can work this out. I know we can.”
“I’ll come by your house tomorrow around one in the afternoon. We’ll figure everything out then. Goodbye, Aiden,” I say firmly.
“Fuck, Emma, please…” he says right before I end the call.
I close my eyes, trying to remain calm.
Have I done the right thing? Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Aiden and I both have jealousy issues that I don’t think we can ever get past. How can you have a relationship with someone you don’t trust and doesn’t trust you in return?
I hear my phone ringing, seeing Aiden’s name pop up on my screen. I ignore it, putting the ringer on silent.
I can’t talk to him. I have to really think about everything that’s happened. If I talk to him while I’m still emotional, I won’t be rational. He’ll apologize and tell me he loves me, sucking me right back in.
Has he been unfaithful or did I really just re
ad the situation wrong? There might be a way I can find out for sure.
I grab my phone, typing in Aiden Crowe into my web browser. I search through videos on YouTube, finding a few duets that he has done with several female vocalists. I pay close attention to his expression and behavior in each of them. He seems fully enamored and engrossed with each of the women, practically mirroring his show tonight with Heather.
I inwardly cringe, feeling stupid by my reaction to his performance. Maybe he wasn’t really into her. Maybe he was just lost in the moment and caught up in the music. I mean, if you are doing a duet about love, shouldn’t you have some type of connection with that person or at least simulate it?
I realize that my jealousy caused all of tonight’s events. Why couldn’t I just trust Aiden’s feelings for me?
Oh, I know why! Because I’m fucked up and want things to end badly. It seems like I sabotage things and cause problems that aren’t truly there.
Aiden’s like that too though. He jumps to conclusions and lets jealousy fog his view of reality. Our pasts haunt us and I’m not sure if we can fix it. We may be too similar in that aspect.
I need to tell him about our baby and figure out what he wants to do from there. All I know is that I have to get away from Astoria. I want him to have a relationship with our child and maybe even me in the future. I just can’t be with him now. We’ll destroy each other faster than we can fix each other.
I close my eyes, hoping that a good night’s rest will repair all the wounds that were re-opened today. I’m determined. Determined to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for what happens to me and our child.
You’ll never know pain. You’ll only know love. I will never give up on you and I will always protect you. I may fuck-up and make mistakes but I won’t ever give up. I’m sorry, Aiden. I can give that promise to our child but not to you. Not right now.
My thoughts scatter, leaving an empty feeling in their wake.
I wake up, my stomach in knots. Ugh, I feel so sick! It’s like morning sickness but way worse compared to yesterday. I rush to the bathroom, barely making it in time. I feel my head spin, as I empty last night’s dinner into the toilet.
