by M Helbig
Bruce Vein
Level: 6
Resits:
Type: Boss
Light: -10
Race: Mutated Human
Dark: 50
Faction: Undead Homeowners’ Association
Earth: 0
HP: 600/600
Water: 10
MP: 0
Fire: 0
AP: 300/300
Wind: 10
AC: ???
Special Attributes: Cape Twirl
Weaknesses: Jokes, Riddles, Penguins
Clewd cranked up his imaginary camera.
“That wath not a vewy nithe ting to do,” Bruce said to our group. “Fow that, I’m gonna make you pay!”
Bruce took a couple of steps forward and leapt at Alizia. He landed hard on her shield, the clang of the impact echoing off the unusually high ceiling. When the echo died down, I re-opened my eyes to see Alizia’s shield lying across the room in a pile of mechanical pieces where Clewd’s wind machine had been.
As Decrona tossed a heal on Alizia, Bruce turned his attention to her. Alizia shouted at Bruce, but he did not change his course. In desperation, Alizia instead went for the most powerful—though usually counter-productive—weapon in her arsenal: her voice.
“What did one bat say to another?” Alizia asked.
Bruce stopped in mid-stomp and rubbed his chin. “Hmm . . . What gendew awe dese bats? Do dey know each othew? I need mow infowmation.”
“Both girls. Yes. And I know what you’re thinking, but that’s gross, so I’m not answering.” Alizia gave a not-so-subtle motion toward the rest of the group to attack.
Olaf was already halfway there, and I nocked an arrow and pulled my bowstring tight.
Bruce dropped his arms in frustration. “Dat’s a good one. I give up. What did one bat say to anothew?”
Alizia grinned. “Let's hang around together.”
Bruce giggled and slapped his thigh. “Antohew! Antohew!”
“What's the first thing bats learn at school?” Alizia asked.
Olaf held his knife even with his waist and then thrust upward under the cape hard into Bruce’s spine. “Do not turn your back on a person with a knife.” A huge white 100! shot out of the gaping wound like an exclamation point for Olaf’s perfectly timed one-liner.
My arrow caught Bruce under his right ear a split second later for a less satisfying, but still decent 48! Decrona decided that a brief chance to finish off a temporarily defenseless but extremely powerful opponent was more important than conserving mana for healing and landed a Mana Blast for 35.
Bruce whirled around, tossing Alizia across the room as she failed to keep ahold of her cape-tangled scepter. “Heeey! Dat whath not nice. You guys are vewy bad people. And as an honawawy cwime fightew, it ith my duty to bwing you aww to juthtice!”
He spun around, whirling his heavy cape into Olaf, knocking him into the wall beside the staggered Alizia. Decrona put her hand over her head to protect it from the blow she knew was coming and Bruce duly delivered. I managed to get three arrows into him during all of this—taking him down to 51%—but that also meant I was an easy target. His first cape twirl took my legs out from under me; his second caught me in the head. Even after I opened my eyes, I could see nothing but darkness and the bright yellow stars that indicated I was Stunned.
Alizia screamed, “Baseball . . . what . . . hit . . . animal,” before being cut off by a sound ironically like a baseball bat hitting a ball. A few more not-quite-as-loud cracks echoed across the room over the next few minutes, the last of which abruptly ended Decrona’s screams. My heart raced as I waited for the inevitable pain of death when he made his way over to me—and it almost stopped as his footsteps came closer—but I exhaled suddenly in a great gust as a second pair of footsteps sounded behind and then in front of me.
“That was perfect!” Clewd, the evident owner of the second pair of feet, said. “You feigned stupidity to draw them in, but right when I thought they had you, you spun around and laid waste to them. Now that you have them all down to a sliver of health, I’d like a nice long villainous monologue to give them a chance to recover so they can make a comeback.”
“What?” Bruce asked. “Why would I do that? I’m not thtupid. I’m gonna thump em until they dwop fow good. Bethideth, they’we the bad guy-th. They’ew the oneth who bwoke into my houthe. I’m cweawly the hewo of this stowy.”
Clewd tapped his foot. “Hmm—excellent point, but with that dark motif and cape, you look more like a villain. Could you monologue anyway? It’s really fun—I make a point to monologue at least once a week to keep my spirits up—and at the end, you’ll get to cackle.”
Bruce hopped up and down, shaking the room. “No. No. No. I’m gonna finith the bad guyth. I’m mad, and I didn’t even get to heaw the end of that gweat joke . . . By the way, what ith the firtht thing batth learn at schoow?”
“The . . . alpha-bat,” Alizia groaned.
Bruce stopped stomping and giggled. “I can’t wait to tew Chattington about that.”
Decrona tossed a heal on herself. The bright glow of the spell immediately drew Bruce toward her, but just before his eyes found her, a large puff of smoke from the opposite direction drew his attention back. Next to Clewd sat a large wooden podium with a steampunk microphone and an excessive amount of wires coming from every direction, blue lines of energy pulsating along its sides.
“Is this more your style?” Clewd asked. “If you prefer to move around a lot while you’re monologuing, I can project images of conquest, destruction, and children’s beauty pageants. Or if you’re really evil, I could project my PowerPoint presentation on the yearly increase on Milkweed allergies in North America 2215-2221 instead.”
I turned toward the wall and hunched over to cover my hand as I cast Regrowth. While I did manage to block the spell itself from anyone’s view, the aftereffect covered my body in a faint green glow. Fortunately, Clewd’s antics were much too distracting for Bruce to notice. Decrona’s sequence of three quick heals on the rest of the group drew no reaction either. A new problem had arisen, however, as Alizia was gleefully taking notes, smiling wider and wider as each idiotic word came from Clewd’s mouth; our suffering would be much longer and greater if she finished this encounter having gained new levels in annoying.
I whispered in group chat, “We need to hit him again while he’s distracted.”
“Agreed,” Olaf whispered back.
“Too risky,” Decrona whispered. “We only took him down to 51% last time, and he’s not nearly as defenseless now; he’ll probably turn as soon as the first hit or two land.”
“I’ve got it,” Alizia whispered.
Out of the corner of my eye, I caught movement from behind Bruce. Before I could register who or what it was, Alizia had already grabbed his cape. “No!” echoed across the room from several sources, but they were all much too late. The cape stretched out to well past its full length as Alizia backpedaled as fast as she could, but Bruce didn’t budge an inch. As a matter of fact, he continued his conversation with Clewd for a good fifteen seconds before he even reacted. Unfortunately, the cape was either made of some sort of super-thread or was heavily enchanted, as it showed no indication that it was going to stop stretching.
Fortunately, even with Bruce’s inhuman strength, he couldn’t get any leverage to swing his cape as he had before. After a few experimental twists of his shoulders, he gave up and tried reaching back to grab it. His arms flailed wildly, but the cape was just out of his reach.
Not wanting to waste what was sure to be a fleeting opportunity, I fumbled an arrow and just barely managed to steady it. The glancing blow landed off the side of his thigh. My next arrow struck truer and landed right above the left elbow. As the blow seemed to impede Bruce’s next grasp for the cape, I made sure to aim all my shots at his arm. Olaf noticed my tactic a few hits later and joined in on the opposite arm.
By the time Bruce figured out that he could take the cape off, we already
had him down to 10%. With one hand, he quickly yanked his end of the cape and flung Alizia into Decrona. Olaf got in two quick jabs to his side before Bruce kicked him into the wall. His charge stopped less than a foot away from Olaf as my arrow connected with his side. He slumped to the ground and stopped moving.
You have gained 2,750 (2,500 +250 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 39,586/40,000 to next level.
You have received -50 Faction with the Undead Homeowner’s Association! Total: -1,200 Undead Homeowners’ Association (Hated).
“Woo-hoo! Teamwork!” Alizia slapped me on the shoulder in congratulation. “Great job, everybody. Olaf and Horus lay on the smackdown, and Deccy landed the timely heals. Woo hoo!”
“It’s good that you have finally recognized my contribution to the group,” Decrona said.
“Don’t let it get to your already large head. Now, let’s see what this bad boy has on him. If we get his sweet cape, I call dibs.” Alizia knelt next to the corpse.
“Wait!’ I said a bit too late.
Alizia has looted Bruce Vein.
By touching Bruce Vein, you have awoken the true evil that has laid dormant within.
Running Out of Bat-Themed Villains Here
Smoke wafted in from the direction of Clewd, clogging my nostrils. The uncontrollable coughing fit prevented me from focusing enough on what was going on, though I did catch some bright red nails flying toward me before a large body bounced off my shins.
“Clewd!” I said. “Shut off that damn machine.”
“No stage directions from the actors, please. This is a live broadcast—though you do have a good point. Now how does this thing work? Ahh, there we go, perfect.”
As the smoke slowly thinned, a bright light shone down about three feet in front of me. In the center of the light stood Bruce, now in a Victorian suit with a much longer and now red cape. He’d also somehow found the time for a complete makeover as his bat-eared hat was gone and his formerly unruly mess of hair was now slicked back. His skin appeared chalky white, almost like it was covered in thick, white makeup. He didn’t even need to open his mouth for me to know he had fangs. Just for the heck of it, I used Inspect on him again.
Count von Bruce
Level: 7
Resits:
Type: Boss
Light: -10
Race: Not-Quite-Dead Human
Dark: 100
Faction: Undead Homeowners’ Association
Earth: 0
HP: 900/900
Water: 20
MP: 900/900
Fire: -20
AP: 600/600
Wind: 20
AC: 34
Special Attributes: Life Leach, Shape Change
Weaknesses: Wood, Garlic, Holy Water, Sunlight, Chocolate
With my eyes clear, I was finally able to assess the situation—as was Bruce, who looked up toward the source of the light and let out a primal scream. “It burns. It burns. What kind of idiot puts sunlight on a vampire? It—” He shaded his eyes with his hand and squinted. “That’s artificial light, isn’t it?”
Clewd continued cranking his imaginary camera and whispered a response. “The favorite of undead thespians everywhere, the Spotlight 2000 produces a completely artificial light from its moonbeam-crystal power source. It cost me an arm and a leg to get a tinkerer of ninety skill to make it. Now, no more talking to the director while the scene is going on, please.”
Alizia gritted her teeth and marched toward the rejuvenated Bruce. During the smokescreen and ensuing chaos, she’d found the time to recover her missing scepter and shield, though she hadn’t found time to down a potion. She only had 13% of her HPs.
“Decrona, heal her,” I said as I raised my bow for a fight I didn’t think we could win.
Alizia halted and stared Bruce down.
Bruce leapt over Alizia, his mouth wide open as his long fangs dripped red-tinted saliva. Decrona impotently raised her arms to shield her from the leaping vampire. The impact only took her down to 11%, but she was completely defenseless. A swipe of his long fingernails and a long bite into her neck later, Decrona was sent to her bind point. Olaf tried his best to draw Bruce off, but the 47 he did with his Vital Strike quickly regenerated as Bruce sucked the last bit of life out of our healer. Bruce backhanded Olaf casually as he stood back up, and Olaf skidded across the room.
“Nooo!” Alizia charged forward. “I’ll murder you for that, you dirty vampire. No one kills Decrona but me.” She switched to her old, wooden club and inverted it to point the thinner, sharper handle at Bruce. “Got wood?”
Despite her erratic, disjointed swing, her aim was perfect. She placed the point right under his ribcage, straight at his heart. The wooden handle of the club pierced through his fine suit like it was butter. What it did not do was pierce through his skin. The club shattered, spraying shards everywhere, though it did still do a respectable 37! and leave a nasty bruise.
Alizia stared in disbelief at her suddenly weaponless hand, leaving her completely defenseless as Bruce reared his head back to take a deep bite into her neck. I yelled at her to move or summon her scepter, but she was either in shock or had just given up.
Right as his fangs were about to touch her neck, his back arched suddenly, and his head shot back with a hiss. Alizia tumbled to the floor as he spun around. It took a few seconds for his cape to lower enough for me to see, when it revealed Olaf and a very bloody dagger. Bruce went straight for Olaf, but his new opponent was not in a stunned-like state. Olaf rewarded Bruce for his unoriginality by letting him bite his dagger instead.
As different as vampires are to us humans, they evidently share our aversion to biting sharp objects. Bruce howled with rage and covered his mouth. Not one to waste an opportunity, Olaf landed a brutal stab directly into his throat. Bruce couldn’t decide which hurt worse, so he kept one hand on his mouth and put the other one over his neck. Blood sprayed everywhere, showering Olaf in a terrible reward for the huge crits of 57! and 93! he’d landed.
Bruce was still at 79%, but it was a very good start. As unlikely as it seemed, our only hope was to continue pouring it on and keep him too unbalanced to mount an offense. Olaf tried to say something, but I couldn’t understand him through the fountain of blood pouring over him.
The only sound I could make out was Clewd’s commentary behind me. “I bet you viewers thought this fight was over before it even started—well, shortly after it started, when the elf in the silly hat got turned into a quick midday snack. But you were wrong, as the shiny-headed little person with the poor imitation of my mustache has made a game of it. By the way, this stream is now rated ‘V’ for ‘vampire’ and ‘O’ for ‘Oh, why isn’t that guy with the bow helping out while the vampire is distracted?’ Viewer discretion is advised.”
I stammered an apology that Olaf probably couldn’t hear as I readied my bow. My first two arrows bounced off Bruce’s cape for 10 total damage. I aimed higher for the third shot, landing directly in the back of his head, but only managed to do 12 as the arrow dented his helmet-like hair. Frustrated again, I sprinted to the side until I could finally see some skin and aimed for his neck. Olaf must have had the same idea—or became tired of getting a shower he’d need a different kind of shower to clean off—and spun to the opposite side of Bruce. Our blows landed simultaneously, and I swore I could hear the slight ring of metal on metal.
The words “Combo Attack!” floated up in big white letters, followed by 73! and 107! More blood poured out from his new wounds, drenching Olaf yet again and obscuring my vision. My next arrow missed.
There was now at least three bodies’ worth of blood covering the floor. I sighed and wondered how much of it there’d have been if I had the blood filter turned all the way up. Would I have drowned in it? Even casually thinking about the filter brought the menu up, and I was surprised to see it back to full. I thought “off” and the slider went all the way down. Evidently, Bruce either didn’t know about that or mobs didn’t have access to the option, because
he was rolling on the ground, hilariously slipping and sliding over what looked to me like absolutely nothing. If Clewd had known how to stream, I had no doubt this clip would’ve gone super-viral.
My next two shots found their marks in his neck again for 37! and 43! As Bruce squirmed and flopped around, he rolled away from me, so I took a step forward. Unfortunately, not being able to see the red stuff and it not being there weren’t the same thing. I tripped, prematurely releasing my next arrow—which miraculously still bounced off his shin for 7—and landed hard on my side.
Olaf, the world’s greatest tag team partner, had carefully tiptoed his way to our target and arrived just in time to take over the assault. I didn’t see the results of all his blows, but by the time I was able to rejoin the battle, Bruce was down to 35%. Despite Alizia not contributing anything—not even her usually annoying, sometimes witty, and always creative banter—I was quite confident we’d be able to finish Bruce off, hopefully for the last time. He’d yet to gain his footing and was still too distracted by our brutally placed shots to offer any sort of attack or even defense.
“It seems our inept heroes are not quite as inept as they seem,” Clewd said. “Down an elf and semi-down a comic relief—sorry, down a semi-comic relief, they somehow, against all belief, have the unfortunate homeowner whose lair they’ve invaded on the metaphorical ropes and on the literal floor. Observe as they work in perfect harmony, brutally tearing this ‘old one’ a new one, but little do they know—”
“What don’t we know, Clewd?” I completely missed my next arrow, causing Olaf to flinch as it sailed a little too close to his head.
