Abide With Me

by Shellie Arnold

  Love her like I love you. Forgive. Even when it’s hard.

  And it hit him: Love covers a multitude of sins. Love and forgiveness went hand-in-hand. Between him and God, and between him and others.

  “Angie? I forgive you.”

  She hung her head. “For committing emotional adultery?”

  His throat tightened. “For everything. I don’t deserve it, but I hope you’ll forgive me, too. In many ways, I did the same.”

  “I forgive you,” she whispered.

  Light dispelled the shadows in the corner of his heart. He felt it grow and spread, and he knew he and his wife had joined in a way they never had before.

  Dear God, help me remember this moment above all others. Every time I don’t know what to do to connect with her. Every time we argue. No matter what the future holds for me or my marriage, help me remember this.

  His cell chimed.

  “What is that reminder about?” Angelina asked.

  “A scripture. And my feelings for you. Just a silly idea to help me remember.”

  She touched his hand with her fingertips. “It’s not silly.”

  “It kind of is. A grown man. Married almost ten years. Needing help remembering basic relational practices.”

  She slid the phone from his grasp and read the screen. “‘Abide in my love.’ Where’s it from?”

  “Jesus said it to His disciples. It’s what believers are supposed to do. I wanted to say it to you because it’s what I want you to feel safe to do with me.”

  “The alarm idea, it’s a good one.” She returned his phone, her eyes downcast.

  Love her. Pursue her. Nick’s heart pounded at the quick, insistent prompts.

  Yes, God, he thought. I’ll do it.

  So he looked at her as he had that day in the college cafe, letting his grin spread slow and easy. Letting himself remember how he’d felt that moment when he hadn’t a clue what to say to the woman who, with a single look, had turned his heart inside out.

  “Hey,” he said.

  She gave the same half-embarrassed smile as she had then. “Hey.”

  “That’s not how it went the first time. You didn’t say anything back. We know more now, though.”

  “Yeah, I think we do.”

  “May I walk you home?”

  She smiled. “I’d like that.”

  “Great. But first, we have to go to the kitchen.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Angelina followed Nick to the kitchen. Believing he truly forgave her was difficult.

  Dear God, is it true? With Your help, can we really make this work?

  “Close your eyes.” He reached into the refrigerator.

  She obliged. “Another gift? You know they make me uncomfortable.”

  “Nothing fancy.” He placed a small package in her hands. “I saw it when I bought groceries. Open your eyes.”

  The red and gold wrapper did indeed resemble a present. “Chocolate?”

  “Supposedly from Germany. I guess they’re getting a jump on Valentine’s Day.”

  Valentine’s Day. Only a few weeks until their ten-year anniversary. Her whole body, her heart tensed at the thought.

  He touched her arm. “Hey. You okay?”

  “I’m scared.” And she couldn’t hide it. “Scared to believe tomorrow you won’t change your mind about forgiving me. Scared we might start getting it right, then without warning, you’ll be arrested again, but this time not come back.”

  “Julius is doing everything he can for us. I’m working with him in every way possible to be sure I’m with you on our anniversary. I do forgive you. Please believe me.” He grinned, and his dimple flashed. “Try a bite. Doesn’t chocolate make women feel like they’re in love?”

  She tore open the package and inhaled. “I’ll let you know.”

  They donned their jackets and made their way to the carriage house. In contrast to last night’s rain, the sky was clear. A blanket of stars against midnight blue.

  “When Daniel and Kay were leaving, I realized something else we have in common,” she said. “Neither of us had a good relationship with our father.”

  “I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right.”

  “I wonder what other similarities we’d discover if we tried.”

  She wanted to find them. With a desperation that somehow linked the naïve, in-love girl of her youth to the woman she was today.

  I didn’t listen to God he’d told Daniel and Kay. The truth that neither had she weighed heavily in her mind.

  Another area they matched.

  All the times God had told her to reach for Nick. Reach for him now.

  The times she’d chosen her own loneliness. He’s right here, and so am I.

  The times she’d comforted herself with things rather than letting God comfort and lead her. I’ll show you what to do, what to say. Reach for him.

  She grabbed his hand, felt him squeeze hers.

  The texture was familiar. The grasp, an easy fit.

  She heard the owl that lived on their property, the scurry of night creatures.

  She stopped walking near her stairs. “I stockpiled my hurts. Boxed myself in like a hoarder stepping around every painful memory.”

  “I told myself providing financially was the most important thing.”

  Her burdened lessened. She stepped closer to him. “To distract myself, I bought things I didn’t need and didn’t want.”

  “I found security in making money, but no matter how much I made, it was never enough.”

  She felt her shoulders, her face, relax. She took his other hand and held tight. “I poured my heart into my art. I should have given it to God and you.”

  “When I was home, I couldn’t fight your anger, so I took every excuse to leave.”

  “That’s how we always messed up. I pull back as soon as I think I might end up alone, and you run from conflict. I want to do better than that.”

  She thought back to years ago and what Daniel had told them. Everything you need to know about marriage you can learn from your relationship with God.

  What had she learned within the last twenty-four hours?

  She’d reached for God and found Him right there. She’d clung to Him today while she’d made a difficult confession, this evening while talking with Daniel and Kay, and learning tough truths about herself.

  Reach. Cling. Abide.

  She wrapped her arms around him. “Abide with me.”

  His arms came around her, and they stood holding each other.

  “I’m not good at remembering this,” he said.

  “Remembering what?”

  “How good, how right, it feels to hold you. The whole world falls back into place when I hold you. I can’t believe how easily I forget that.”

  She smiled against his chest. “Will you help me tomorrow? I’ll be picking up the horses, then taking them and all of the tack to Matthews Stables.”

  He motioned to the horse trailer parked at the far end of the barn. “In that?”

  She tilted her head. “Yes. I’ll drive. I think I can sell it pretty easily next week. I haven’t even put a thousand miles on it.”

  “You’re sure that’s what you want to do?”

  “Yes. They’re going to someone who will really love them.” She paused. “How long before your phone chimes again?”

  He checked the time. “Another twenty minutes. I love you, Angelina.”

  “I’m starting to believe you. The alarm’s a good reminder for both of us. So, will you help me tomorrow?”

  She felt him take a deep breath. “If I can. If Julius doesn’t call. If I’m here.”

  “Right.” For a few minutes, she’d forgotten. At any moment, Nick could be taken away from her for an indefinite length of time.

  She snuggled in close and tightened her hold on him.

  ***

  In the quiet, cool morning, Angelina loaded the tack—lead ropes, brushes and combs and hoof picks, blankets and saddles. Sh
e stacked large items in a wall of locked metal cabinets behind the seat. Small items went into a footlocker with heavy-duty casters, now secured beside the cabinets.

  “You’re up early.”

  She turned at Nick’s voice and walked down the ramp to stand beside him.

  “It happens occasionally. I didn’t sleep much. I’ll probably crash tonight. What’s in the insulated bag?”

  “Oatmeal loaded with nuts and dried fruit. I figured we’d need it. A cold front’s moving in. Supposed to rain this evening and be in the thirties tonight.”

  “Then we better eat and get going.”

  “You loaded without me?” he asked.

  “Can’t move the feedbags by myself.”

  “I’ll get them,” he said. “I remembered you like extra brown sugar.” He produced a container of warm oatmeal and a spoon.

  “What about you?”

  “I already ate.”

  She ate every bite while he loaded the feedbags. Within minutes, they both climbed into the cab.

  “I’m glad you’re driving.” He sat the cooler at his feet. “This thing’s bigger than it looks. Not knowing how long of a day we’d have, I packed sandwiches, too.”

  She caught his gaze. “You thought about me. About us.”

  “Yeah. I did. God helping me, I will from now on.”

  “Then let me say thank you for the oatmeal with extra brown sugar. Thank you for helping me today. And thank you in advance for lunch.”

  She cranked the engine and pulled forward.

  “Just so you know,” she said. “I’m happy to spend a Saturday with you instead of being alone.”

  She drove to Pete Bohannon’s place, introduced the men to each other. Apollo and Zeus greeted her with nuzzles and nudges. Godiva, in a separate stall with her newborn, blinked with new mother pride.

  “Watch your step,” she said as Nick followed her and Pete into the stall.

  “What are you going to name her?” Pete asked.

  “I’ve decided not to keep them, Pete.” Angelina brushed her fingers through the filly’s blonde mane. “When we leave here, I’m giving them to Rachel Matthews. I’ll let Rachel name her.”

  “She’s a friendly little thing, not hesitant like her mother,” Pete said. “Loves to interact with people. Loves attention.”

  “Then she’ll be happy at Matthews Stables. Rachel will dote on her. Help us load them?”

  “I’d be happy to. Can’t hardly believe you’re parting with them.”

  “I’m not giving them the time and attention they need,” Angelina said. “I want better for them.”

  When the horses were loaded, she pulled onto the highway.

  She glanced over at Nick. “What I said back there, it wasn’t a slam against you.”

  “The comment about time and attention?”

  “Yeah. They need more than I can give them.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  She drove on. Tightening her grip on the wheel. Repeatedly glancing at her husband.

  What had she been thinking when she’d asked him to accompany her this morning?

  She hadn’t been back to Matthews Stables since she’d removed her horses a week after the twins’ birth. Removing them and herself had seemed her only option after making a fool of herself the way she had with Rick. So the morning after Godiva delivered the first time, Angelina had found a contractor and promised him top dollar to quickly spruce up the unused barn and stables on their property. Then she’d relocated the horses and hadn’t looked back.

  They passed dormant fields and cow pastures on the familiar route.

  “You know, I could drop you at the house if you want.” She knew she sounded lame. “Forget I said that. Unless, of course, you don’t want to meet the first man.”

  “Ah. I wondered why you were tensing up.”

  “What makes you say I was?”

  “You’ve been switching hands on the steering wheel. Worrying your wedding rings with your thumb—you’re wearing your wedding rings.”

  “I put them on this morning. It seemed right.”

  “Thank you,” he said. “I think I can handle meeting the first man.”

  “It was a fantasy, Nicholas. Rick’s not like Lorenzo.”

  The statement seemed to settle on the seat between them.

  “What drew you? To him?” Nick asked.

  “I was wrong to fantasize about him. To feed that fantasy.”

  “Nevertheless, some trait caught your eye. I need to know what it was. I’m not angry. I just need to know. Please.”

  She swallowed. In the past, moments like this were when he’d lose his temper, or bombast her with questions, or pressure her until she laid aside her feelings.

  “I want to do better than we did before, too,” he said.

  “You were listening last night.”

  “Yes, I was. Trust me with the truth. There are things about you I need to re-learn, or even learn for the first time. What drew you to this man?”

  “He’s nurturing,” she said. “He’s as kind and gentle with people as he is with his horses.”

  “Thank you.”

  She slowed before the entrance to Matthews Stables.

  “If it makes you feel any better, his wife knows,” Angie said. “I’ll be more uncomfortable doing this than you are.”

  ***

  Nick had expected stone pillars. An expansive, wrought iron gate. At the very least, a crossbeam arch and a big sign.

  Instead, they turned in at a nondescript dirt driveway over an extra-wide metal culvert. The path was smooth and grassless from obvious repeated use and led past a ranch-style home on the right to a well-kept yet aged barn the size of a small warehouse.

  Beyond the barn, the land opened to corrals and fenced pastures of countless acreage. Signs warned visitors to watch where they stepped and to avoid touching electric wires atop the fences.

  Angelina pulled around the side of the barn, and Nick realized the building was more than twice as deep as he’d thought. Through a typical farm gate, he saw the back of the barn was actually a two-story metal arena.

  They stopped.

  “Nick, I can do this by myself.”

  “Isn’t that part of why we’re where we are? No, I’m with you,” he said. “I don’t know how to handle the horses, but I can do the grunt work. Move the feed, move the tack.”

  Penance wasn’t exactly the term he’d use to describe what he was about to do. A reboot, he thought. This time he’d stick through the tough moments.

  A teenage girl ran out of the barn, her thick brown hair flying behind her. Angie opened her door and stepped down.

  “Hey, Mrs. Rousseau! It’s great to see you! Did you bring them already?” She squealed. “I can’t believe you’re parting with them. Can I see them?”

  Nick got out and met them at the back of the trailer. He smelled hay and manure and heard a chorus of horse whinnies from the barn.

  “Rachel, this is my husband, Nicholas.”

  “Hi, Mr. Rousseau. Nice to meet you.”

  “You, too.” He thought he recognized her but couldn’t quite place from where.

  “Rachel is Julie and Rick’s daughter,” Angie said.

  Of course. Julie and Rick Matthews, and their daughter Rachel. She sang in church last Easter Sunday morning.

  “You have a terrific voice,” Nick said.

  “Thanks.” She smiled and leaned toward Angelina, hiding her words behind her hand. “He’s really hot.”

  Angelina laughed. “Yes, he is.”

  A rugged-looking man in denim, cowboy boots, and a black Stetson exited the barn and approached. “Rachel, are your chores done?”

  Nick watched Angie’s face and knew. Rick.

  He wiped his hands on his jeans and tipped his hat. “Angelina. Good to see you.”

  “This is Nicholas. My husband.”

  Nicholas extended his hand and met hazel eyes in a tanned face. “My pleasure.”

  “S
ame.” Rick nodded. “Rachel, don’t touch a horse before you talk with Mrs. Rousseau about the deal we made.”

  “Yes, sir.” She sighed as if tragedy had struck. “Daddy said I can only have them if I pay for them. But I don’t have any money yet, so he and Mom came up with a payment plan. My first lesson in paying my own bills.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Rachel,” Rick said.

  “Okay. Okay,” Rachel said. “Anyway, barring complications, and if she stays healthy, we’ll breed Godiva once a year for the next six years until I’m through high school and college. We’ll train and sell her offspring, and half the proceeds will go to you. If that’s okay.”

  “That’s a great plan,” Angie said.

  “We’ve got space clear,” Rick said. “Rachel, go get a couple of lead ropes.”

  “Daddy.”

  “Go. Show me you can follow directions even when you don’t want

  to.”

  “Yes, sir.” She walked into the barn.

  “I wanted a moment.” Rick addressed them. “I’ve seen the news. Are you two going to regret this when your names are cleared?”

  If Nicholas hadn’t already liked Rick, the vote of confidence would have gotten his attention. “This was Angie’s idea. It’s her decision.”

  Her eyes said thank you.

  “This is best.” Angelina moved to stand by Nicholas, and as she had last night, took his hand. “For us all.”

  Rick nodded. “All right. I’ll write up the agreement for Rachel’s benefit, have her sign and mail you copies to sign, too, just for show. Rachel has a tendency to want to repeatedly renegotiate. A ‘contract’ will teach her about sticking to terms and to her word.”

  Rachel returned. She and Angelina unloaded the horses. Rick worked alongside Nicholas unloading the tack and feed bags. Then Rick grabbed two brooms, they returned to the trailer and swept it out.

  “You’ve got a pretty place here,” Nicholas said.

  “Don’t I know it,” Rick said. “God’s given me a lot. I’m better at remembering that than I used to be.”

  “Angelina told me what happened.” Nicholas stopped and leaned on his broom. “I appreciate you not taking advantage when I wasn’t around.”