by Kim Baldwin
“Play for your team or not?”
“Yeah, something like that.” Erin grinned.
You have no idea. “It’s not easy,” Gable admitted. “Particularly when you’re shy. I’ve always had a problem approaching women I was interested in.”
“So who else knows? Do the guys at the firehouse?”
Gable shook her head. “Carl guessed, but he’s the only one. Otherwise, pretty much only family, and friends back in Tennessee. I haven’t told anyone since I moved here.”
“Then I feel especially privileged that you felt you could share it with me,” Erin said. “You know, Gable, I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would make any difference in how much I care about you, and respect you.”
Gable could tell she meant it. “Thanks, Erin.” Thank God.
Just as Carl had predicted, she felt suddenly a lot happier and less anxious. It had been a freeing experience to come out to Erin. One less secret to keep from her. Even though she would have to be even more careful now, not to let her feelings show, she was very glad she’d made the decision to tell Erin.
“Ready for some dinner?” Erin asked.
“Sure.” Gable’s stomach had calmed considerably. She was suddenly ravenous.
*
The evening reassured Gable that she had done the right thing. She and Erin had their usual great time, sharing a bowl of popcorn and exchanging obscure film trivia as they watched the movie. Erin was every bit as warm and sweet as she’d been before.
In fact, as they chatted over decaf lattes after the movie, she opened up more to Gable than she ever had. It was as if a barrier between them had gone, and that in revealing the most private parts of herself to Erin, Gable had deepened their level of trust. It seemed this encouraged Erin to expose some of her own innermost feelings.
“Hasn’t it been hard for you?” she asked, setting down her cup and turning sideways on the couch so she could look at Gable. “Not telling anyone here that you’re gay, I mean?”
Gable shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess. I started to tell June—she’s a woman I work with—well, I started to tell her once or twice. And I’ve been tempted a few times to tell some of the guys at the station. But then I start blushing like crazy even thinking about telling them, and I always put it off. I am way too shy, I know. I often wish I were more outgoing, like you are.”
Erin shook her head. “Don’t wish to be like me.” Her expression grew serious. “I’m okay in social situations, I guess because of my teaching background. I can mingle in a crowd just fine. But it’s an entirely different thing when it comes to one-on-one relationships.” She paused and looked at Gable. “It’s easy with you.”
She frowned and fell silent, apparently chewing this over. There was a trace of bemusement in her expression, as if she had just discovered something she barely knew about herself. “Or a lot easier, anyway," she murmured, almost to herself. "But I have a really hard time talking about my feelings to someone I’m dating. It’s not shyness so much...”
Gable didn’t say anything, intrigued by Erin's sudden need to draw close instead of drawing away. It was the last thing she'd expected, even after Erin's insistence she was fine with Gable's sexuality.
Erin’s gaze had turned inward, unfocused. “I’m not entirely sure why it happens, but I think it has a lot to do with my nightmare of a marriage.” She blew out a breath. “I think that kind of crippled me. I find it very difficult to really get close to anyone.” Erin glanced at her with unreadable expression. “Tim is a sweet, attractive guy, and he’s really interested in me.”
He’d be a fool not to be.
“I like him. He’s got a great sense of humor and he’s fun to be with.” There was another long pause. “But it feels like something’s…missing. Like the chemistry really isn’t there. I don’t know, maybe I’m not really giving it a chance. Maybe my past is getting in the way.”
“You’re the only one who can figure that out,” Gable said gently. “My brother Stewart always says to go with what your heart tells you.”
“That’s good advice. Well, Tim and I are going out again next week. I’ll keep you posted.”
Not too much detail, please. Gable stifled a yawn. The lack of sleep the night before was catching up to her.
“I’m going to run so you can get to bed,” Erin said. She leaned over and hugged Gable before getting to her feet. “I had fun tonight. And thanks for trusting me enough to confide in me.”
Gable followed her to the door. “Thanks for…well, I guess just thanks for being cool about it…not letting it matter.”
“Gable? Can I ask you another personal question?” Erin was only a couple of feet away, looking at her intently.
Gable held her breath.
“Are you…seeing anyone?”
Gable shook her head, not trusting her voice.
“Ah,” Erin said, turning to go. “Just curious.”
*
For the first week or so, it seemed as though Gable’s revelation hadn’t altered their relationship at all. On Sunday she and Erin took a shopping excursion to Charlevoix for groceries and odds and ends. Two days later they shared a rented movie and home-cooked meal at Gable’s house, and on Thursday they did the same at Erin’s. And they talked on the phone nearly every evening they weren’t together, catching up on events of the day.
It was still hard for Gable to keep her feelings for Erin hidden, but she was immensely relieved that Erin’s behavior didn’t change. So she was surprised when Erin didn’t call her Saturday night as promised, after her date with Tim. Erin had planned to be home by nine; they were going to a late-afternoon movie the next day and then dinner because Tim had an early EMT shift.
A change in plans; she got home later than she expected, Gable decided the next morning as she made herself a pot of coffee. Or maybe Tim stayed over. The thought depressed her. She should be getting used to the idea by now that she would never have Erin. But it just got harder and harder. How will you fall in love with anyone else when you feel this way about her?
Her doorbell rang. It startled her so much she jumped. She glanced at the clock on the stove. Seven forty a.m. Too early for a casual visitor. She belted her robe over her pajamas as she headed for the door. Early-morning phone calls always made her think Someone’s hurt! Someone’s dead! Early-morning visitors were usually tourists—snowmobilers or hunters or fishermen—who’d had a breakdown or accident near her remote home.
But it was Erin at the door of the screened-in porch, looking as though she hadn’t slept much. Tousled hair and slightly puffy eyes, like she’d been rubbing them. She had a white paper bag tucked under one arm.
“Hi. You were awake, right? I saw your lights on.”
“Sure, I just made some coffee. Come on in.” Gable stepped aside and Erin came a few steps onto the porch and turned to face her.
“I hope you don’t mind me coming over this early without calling first. I couldn’t sleep, so I took a drive. I brought some donuts.” She held up the paper bag.
“Great. Have a seat and I’ll pour us some coffee.”
Gable poured two mugs full and doctored Erin’s with Equal and half-and-half. She set them on a tray with two small plates and napkins and carried them back to the porch.
Erin sat in one of the big wicker chairs, watching the profusion of wildlife outside the screen. The feeders Gable had hung from the eaves were crowded with birds, and a dozen squirrels chased each other for the seed that fell to the ground.
“So you couldn’t sleep?” Gable asked, hoping it would start Erin talking. Something had obviously happened. Erin wasn’t her usual upbeat, confident self. She seemed withdrawn. I’ll kill Tim if he’s hurt her.
“No. I just got to…thinking about things. Got my mind going and couldn’t shut it off.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
“No.” Erin shook her head. “Not yet, anyway.”
“Okay. Well, I’m here for you if you ch
ange your mind.” Gable hid her disappointment.
They sipped their coffee and munched on donuts in silence. Gable caught Erin surreptitiously watching her a couple of times, but each time she glanced at her, Erin would quickly look away. It made her a little paranoid. Is it Tim? Or is it me? Does she suspect how I feel about her?
“Gable, have you ever been in love?" she asked abruptly. "I mean, where you thought…this is it!”
Gable nearly choked on her coffee. Her mind raced. How the hell do I answer this? She set her cup down on a small table between them. She didn’t want Erin to see her hands were shaking, so she leaned back in her chair and folded her arms across her chest.
“Well, I’m not exactly Miss Experience in the romance department. I had crushes of course. Infatuations. And I’ve dated a few women, but I wasn’t with any one woman for very long.” Gable steeled her nerve. “I did…fall in love. Once. I mean, where it really felt…different. Special.” She couldn’t look at Erin. “But…she didn’t feel the same. It wasn’t reciprocated.”
“So…you thought you knew. But you were wrong?” Erin asked.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“I’m sorry. That had to be very hard for you.”
Gable shrugged, unable to answer. Why are you asking me these questions?
“I don’t know that anybody can give me any answers.” Erin set her mug on the table beside Gable’s. “I told Tim last night that I wanted to just be friends with him.”
Gable’s pulse quickened at the news. “You did?”
Erin stood up and stepped to the screen. She stood there stiffly and stared out. “I may have made a mistake. Not given him enough of a chance. I don’t know.”
It has nothing to do with you. Don’t get your hopes up. Gable bit back her disappointment.
“I’m so confused.” Erin’s voice was subdued. After a long silence, she said, “Tim’s a marrying kind of guy. He was getting too serious too soon.” She closed her eyes. “I don’t think I can give him what he needs. But I don’t know that I would recognize true love if it bit me on the butt.”
Gable tried to dispel the erotic image that popped into her head. Get your mind out of the gutter. “I wish I knew what to say, Erin.”
“There’s nothing you can say, I guess. I just have to figure out what the hell is going on with me.” She let out a rueful sigh and then turned to face Gable. “I’m gonna go. Thanks for listening.”
“Any time.” Gable got to her feet. She had an odd sense that Erin wanted something from her. She vacillated, trying to decide if she should delay her on some pretext.
In the end, Erin hugged her good-bye, as she often did, but Gable could have sworn something was different this time. Erin held on just a little longer, embraced her just a little tighter.
Gable felt vaguely ashamed of herself the rest of the day. She was glad that Erin wasn’t seeing Tim anymore. She knew she shouldn’t be. It was obviously upsetting Erin, and she hated to see her friend so morose and confused. Tim might have made her very happy.
But she couldn’t help feeling relieved that for the moment anyway, there would be no competition for Erin’s time and attention.
*
They chatted on the phone several times during the next few nights, but Erin’s mood did not change. She was subdued and withdrawn, reluctant to share any more of what she was going through, though Gable tried her best to draw her out. Their conversations were brief, and focused only on mundane things. Gable proposed they do dinner and a movie one night at her house, but Erin declined, saying she hadn’t been sleeping well and was going to try to turn in early.
There was a growing distance between them, and by the end of the week Gable wondered whether Erin might be reconsidering her decision to stop seeing Tim. There was no answer when she tried to phone her Friday night.
She got her answer on Saturday, when she drove to the fire station for a day of drills with the ladders and hoses. She was looking forward to seeing Erin and getting a firsthand look at how she was doing, but it was Tim who intercepted her as she entered the building.
“Hey, Gable. Have you talked to Erin?”
“Why? Isn’t she here?”
“Not yet. Do you know what’s going on with her? I’m kind of worried about her, frankly.”
“Worried? Why?”
“Well, she told me last weekend she didn’t want us to date anymore. I was disappointed, you know…I had a lot of fun with her and thought it might lead to something. But I told her I understood, and it was okay.”
“I know that must have been tough for you.” Gable commiserated.
“Well, she called the chief right after that and cancelled all her training this week. Said she wasn’t feeling well. But I went by her house to check on her, and she wasn’t there.”
“This is news to me. I spoke to her on the phone a few times, and she didn’t say anything about any of this.” Gable got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach with the realization that Erin wasn’t telling her everything.
“Is she going to be here today?” Tim asked.
“I don’t know. I presumed she would be.”
“Gable, do you know why she broke it off with me?”
“You’d have to ask her that, Tim.”
“I did. She told me she didn’t want to get my hopes up that there might be a future for us…but I think there’s something else going on.”
“What makes you say that?”
He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “I don’t know. She just was really withdrawn during our last date, from the moment I picked her up. Like she was somewhere else. It was really weird, because she’d been just the opposite the week before—happy, relaxed.”
“You have no clue what’s happening with her?” Gable pressed. She wanted to know for herself.
“I tried to find out…that’s when she told me she thought we should just be friends. But I got the impression it wasn't really about me. It kind of seemed like she was blowing me off just to get me to stop asking questions. I thought maybe she told you what was bothering her.”
Gable shook her head. “I don’t think I can help. I don't know any more than you do, but I’ll try to talk to her when she gets here. If she gets here.”
*
Erin did, in fact, show up for the training, but she arrived just as they were getting things going and there was no time for pleasantries with anyone. She waved hello at Gable, and Tim too, but kept to herself, standing off to one side, as the chief explained the drills they would do that day.
After the briefing, they split up into teams of three to rotate among the ladders and hoses. Gable started toward Erin at that point, but Erin quickly positioned herself with Carl and Don, as if deliberately avoiding her. They all suited up in their turnout gear and adjourned to the training grounds situated behind the fire station…a four-acre plot that contained several concrete block buildings and a small obstacle course.
Gable had a hard time keeping her mind on what she was doing the rest of the morning, her frustration growing each time she would catch Erin’s eye, only to have her look away.
I’m not imagining it. She’s avoiding me.
By the time they broke for lunch, she had convinced herself Erin was having a delayed and very homophobic reaction to the revelation that Gable was lesbian. It made her heartsick. And quite unexpectedly, it also made her angry. She had worked up quite a head of steam by the time she cornered Erin in the women’s locker room.
“What’s up?” Gable asked.
“What do you mean?” Erin was stripping off her shiny new turnout jacket. She had on a T-shirt under the heavy fire coat, and it was drenched in sweat from the rigorous morning. It clung to her, outlining her breasts. Gable couldn’t tear her eyes away. A little of her anger dissipated.
“Erin, are you avoiding me?”
“No.” But Erin wouldn’t look at her. And Gable noticed her hands were shaking as she stripped off her turnout pants.
“Erin, what is it? Talk to me!” Gable reached out and put one hand on Erin’s shoulder.
Erin shrugged off the hand and turned to Gable with tears in her eyes. “Talk to you?” She spit out the words. “That’s a laugh. Like you talk to me, you mean?” She slammed the door of her locker shut and stormed out.
Gable remained rooted in place for several seconds, unprepared for Erin’s sudden outburst and completely bewildered by it.
By the time she ran out to the parking lot, Erin’s truck was gone.
*
She tried to call Erin several times that afternoon and evening, but her machine kept picking up and Gable didn’t want to leave a message. She didn’t know what to say. All she knew was that she was feeling empty inside, and desperate to reconnect with Erin, repair whatever it was that had caused this rift.
But you know what it is, don’t you? Somehow she found out how you feel about her. And she doesn’t like it one bit.
*
On Monday, after several more abortive attempts to reach Erin by phone, Gable finally left a message. “Erin, it’s Gable. Please talk to me.”
Her phone remained maddeningly silent.
*
On Tuesday, she drove directly to Erin’s cabin from work. There were lights on inside—she could see Earl Grey’s silhouette in the front window, but Erin’s pickup was gone and there was no answer to her knock. She left a note tucked into the screen door that read simply:
Please call or stop by. Any time. We need to talk.
Gable
She left another phone message the next night. This one just said: “Erin, I miss you.”
Waiting was excruciating. She couldn’t sleep. It began to sink in that she might have lost Erin altogether.
Chapter Eleven
The next day at work Gable was so fatigued that she actually fell asleep for a moment in the back of the pharmacy. Fortunately she was out of the view of any drugstore patrons. She dozed off at her desk, hunched over a pile of paperwork, and only came awake when the buzzer at the counter sounded, announcing someone needed a prescription filled.
