by Anna Brooks
“Anyway, long story short, I was smart with the money he gave me and made responsible decisions for a little while.”
When I contemplate how to tell him the next part, I hate how it still hurts so much. “I had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like, so when I met him… I thought he loved me.” I can’t even let his name pass my lips, because of how much I hate the man for what he did to me. “He was so different from Don, and I thought he was teaching me things that a normal couple did together. I thought… I thought it was normal, and it was what people did.
“He was rough, didn’t treat me with much care, but for some reason, I couldn’t get enough of him… and his friends. It wasn’t that many, I swear. It was only—”
“I don’t want a fucking number, Polly.” He snaps the words at me, and the disgust laced through his words is heartbreaking.
“Right. So it got to the point where I thought that I’d die if I wasn’t with him. He made me feel… alive. It was something I’d never experienced before, and I wanted more of it. Whatever it was.”
Erik’s hand on me tightens, and I know I just need to spit it out. “But it wasn’t a connection. It wasn’t hormones. It wasn’t even lust. He was drugging me.”
“What the fuck?”
“Ecstasy. He was dissolving it into my drinks. For months, Erik. He built it up in my system so that when I didn’t have it, I went through withdrawals. Did you know you could become addicted to ecstasy?” I continue before he can answer, “Well, you can. I caught him pouring something into my drink one day, and he beat the shit out of me. Then when I was passed out, he shot me up with something and dumped me in an alley. I think he planned to make me OD, but it wasn’t enough, apparently. That was where Richard found me.
“He brought me to the hospital and stayed by my side. It was awful. I’m not sure if it was from the ecstasy in my system or from all the other shit that asshole used, but I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die. But obviously, I didn’t.”
“Thank God for that.” Erik mumbles the words, but I hear them loud and clear.
“You have to understand. Richard was genuinely nice to me. He treated me like a daughter, almost. I had a desire to please him and make him happy so he’d keep me. I actually felt like he cared about me as a person, and that was a great feeling. I had no clue he was so messed up in the head. Anyway, the whole point to this is, through everything I’ve experienced—the men, the disgust I felt every time I looked into the mirror—”
“You were manipulated and… and drugged. You did what you had to do to survive, Polly. That’s not disgusting. Trust me, I know disgust. I know stooping low; I know what it feels like. I fucking get it. You’re not anything less than brave, baby. Don’t think for one second think I could ever look at you as anything different.”
I continue talking as if he hasn’t just said anything. “Half the time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even know who was looking back. But it was what it was, you know? When you’re alone and have nobody, you just kind of get used to the loneliness and confusion. I didn’t want to ever have another man in my life because my track record so far sucked. It’s really hard to trust anyone when you’ve been used like I have. But when I ran into you outside the bar for the first time, even though it was just a few seconds, I’d never felt safer in my life. Never, Erik. No matter who I was with, no matter where I was living, no matter what—I’d never felt safer than with you.”
“That’s good, baby, but I failed you last night. You’re hurt because of me.”
“No, that didn’t hurt me.”
He swallows and then clears his throat. “How did it happen?”
“I was going to go to bed after I ate the burned lasagna. You were in your room and hadn’t been out, so I figured you were mad at me or something. Your shower was running, and then I heard glass break. I went into your bathroom and you were… The water was so cold, and I was trying to get you out of the tub when I cut myself somehow. It’s no big deal.” I flick my hand in the air.
“It’s a big deal to me. I’m supposed to be the one who looks out for you.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s my job.”
“I’m not your responsibility, Erik.”
His brows draw together, and before he can give me a speech that makes me lose the courage to say it, I blurt it out, “My hand didn’t hurt. It hurt seeing you in so much emotional distress and not knowing why, not knowing how to help. Not having a clue as to what you’ve been through to know if there was a trigger. That hurt.” I pause, preparing my heart to say the words out loud to him. “But what hurt the most was when you called me another woman’s name while you were inside me.”
His mouth falls open completely, and before he can say anything, I hold up my hand. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on between us, but this is never going to work if we don’t know everything there is to know about one another. I might have made mistakes in my past, and I’ve definitely been dumb about the choices I’ve had to make, but the one thing I’ve prided myself on is guarding my heart. I was in it for survival, not love. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to love, or maybe it’s because I haven’t found anyone I care enough about to love. But when you said her name, I realized I was falling for you because it hurt so much to know you were thinking about someone else. I just… If you can’t give me all of you, if you can’t open up and let me in, then we have to end this. Because I might be strong… but you make me feel defenseless.” I swallow and blink back the tears that brim my eyes.
I’ve fought too long and too hard to lose the progress I’ve made because of a man; no matter how much I want nothing more than to cling to him like a second skin. “I’m not judging you based on what happened yesterday because Lord knows I am nowhere near perfect. I know what it feels like to get that high; in my case, I didn’t realize what was happening, but still, I get it. I understand it. But like I’ve said before, we’re probably not good for each other, and unless you’re willing to open up to me like I just did to you, then I need to walk away. I’ve fought so hard to become independent, and I can’t lose that over a guy who’s going to crush me after I’m all in.”
“Polly.” He runs his thumb along my lips.
“Who is she?” I watch as his jaw clamps shut, and it only takes that second to know I’m fighting a losing battle. “You loved her?”
His eyes gloss over, and he nods. “Yeah.”
I lean up and press my lips to his. To make this easier for both of us, I make the decision to get up and walk away. He calls my name but doesn’t come after me. I get into my car and drive away, watching in my mirror the whole time… hoping to see him changing his mind. But he doesn’t.
There isn’t anywhere I want to be right now. I end up stopping at a gas station and filling my tank and buying some chocolate and soda. I don’t really have the money for any of it right now, but I kind of feel as if I deserve it.
Thank God I just had my car fixed, because I drive around for hours. I stop at an antique store and an animal shelter. I contemplate going to the movies by myself, but I don’t want to waste the money on that.
It’s dark out now, and I know I’m doing nothing to help myself by avoiding going home. Don’t know why I’m even avoiding it. I think it’s because I was at Erik’s, spent the night there, and know how it feels to be in his arms.
Oh well, it’s better this way. I’m not completely in love with him yet, I don’t think, so it’ll be easier to let him go and forget about him now. My brain is functioning at a snail’s pace, and when I pull up into my parking spot, I shut the engine off, toss my keys in my purse, and sit in the car for a minute.
After staring at my lap, I finally get out and make my way to the entrance to my place.
“Gimme some money, girl.”
I try to ignore the way the man’s voice startles me, but I can’t avoid looking over to see him. That damn guy gives me the creeps. As I’m standing in front of my door, digging
through my purse for my keys, my body begins to lock up in fear.
“Know ya got it, girl.” He comes closer to me, out of the shadows, and the smell of his rancid body wafts through the air.
I’ve ignored him in the past, and he’s gone away, but I’m usually smart enough to have my keys out. But because I was so damn lost in thought, I didn’t even think about it. This is what Erik does to me.
The tips of my fingers brush against the metal of my keys, just as the guy pushes me. “Money!”
I stumble backward and hit my head on the brick wall. He hits and swings frantically, clearly high on some kind of drug. As though he’s hallucinating, he mumbles profanities and incoherent sentences as he chases after me. I try to run back to my car, but he swings some bag. Swaying to avoid it, I trip over my feet and fall to the ground.
He makes his way over to me as I’m crawling backward, lifts his foot, and kicks me in my side. Shit, that hurt. Just before the sole of his boot connects with my head, a bright light shines in my eyes, and I hear my name being called in the distance.
Chapter 11
Erik
My anxiety over finally admitting to myself that I need to tell Polly everything is urgently replaced with a fuckin’ type of fear and violence that is completely foreign to me.
“Polly!” I run over to her before the car is fully in park, and as he’s staggering away, I get a glimpse of the fucker who just kicked her in the fuckin’ head. I lift her into my arms and brush some hair off her face. She winces at the same time as I see the redness of her cheek and the cut right above her eye. I lift her and carry her to my car while scanning the area to make sure he doesn’t come back. Reclining the passenger seat, I set her down gently and strap the seat belt over her before I jog over to my side and get the fuck out of here as fast as I can.
Trying to hold myself together to get her the help she needs, I hold her hand and glance down, noticing blood seep through her bandage. “Are you with me, Polls?”
Her eyes flutter open as she murmurs something and tries to lift her head.
“Shh. Just stay with me. Don’t talk if it hurts. Just need to know you’re with me.”
When I get to the ER, I double park and carefully take her out of her seat. She’s not heavy by any means, but her dead weight is concerning. The second we clear the vehicle, she begins heaving. I lean her over so she doesn’t choke on her puke, and after she’s done, I take her inside.
When the nurse sees the head wound, we’re rushed back, and as much as I don’t want to let her go, I set her on the bed so she can be assessed. My eyes are glued to her, but I back up so the doctor and nurses can take care of her.
“Do you know what happened, sir?”
“Somebody attacked her. Kicked her in the head as I was pulling up, but I’m not sure what else he was able to do before I got there.” A cold rod embeds in my spine, and I shiver. “She threw up outside.”
“Okay. I’m going to ask you to leave the—”
“No.”
The doctor, probably not much older than myself, glances at me and then nods. “We’re going to take her for some tests.”
I nod in acknowledgment and answer what I can as they fire questions at me. I don’t know if she’s allergic to anything, I don’t know if she’s on medication, and I don’t know if she has any major medical history.
There’s so much I don’t know, so much I should know, but I mentally put all that shit away for another time. The blur of figures coming and going out of the room fades away, and I can only see her. So still. So unresponsive. Her lids are pulled back and a light shined in her eyes as someone else cleans the cut above her brow. I hate that she’s in pain, but when she gasps and groans, I breathe a sigh of relief.
She’s rolled out of the room on the bed, and I watch until they take her around the corner. Everything in me becomes numb. The fact that I failed her, failed another woman, plays on repeat in my head. Three of them now. My mom, Sophia, and Polly.
I slide to the floor and hold my head in my hands, beating myself up about how I should have done things differently. When she walked away earlier, I let her. I fucking let her. I sat on the grass in the backyard of her old house for hours as I fought with myself. An internal battle raged, and I finally thought I had an answer. But now I’m not so sure.
Fighting was always something that came naturally to me. Boxing, Jui-Jitsu, wrestling; any and all MMA was always something I excelled at since I was a kid.
Fighting with myself has become the norm, too. I thought I was worthless after my mom, but after Sophia… it wasn’t even a question anymore. There was nothing to fight about.
When I was with her, I was with an angel. She was almost too perfect. I loved her for who she was and what she was becoming. She was my opposite. My light in the dark. The calm to my storm. She was so kind and caring and loving. I’d have taken a bullet to the brain before I’d have said anything bad about her.
But Polly? She’s amazing. Stunning. She’s so damn special and so fucking beautiful it hurts to look at her sometimes. She’s my match. When we collide, it’s the perfect storm. We’re perfect together. She’s perfect for me. I might not be that to her, but I want to try. She makes me want to try. And that’s what I decided I would tell her.
I left the yard to go to her. To be with her. I needed to tell her that this staying apart shit is dumb as fuck. We might have our own issues, and we might have to fight to get past all the debris in our way, but once we were clear of it all, it would be worth it.
As I pulled up and in the moments before I got to her, I saw red. Not from anger… I mean, hell yes, I was angry. I was furious, livid. But the red I saw was blood. The copper smell stung my nose as I ran to her; the fear of seeing her body in a puddle like my mom almost made it too hard to go to her, because I didn’t know how bad it would be.
I could have gotten the guy. I know it. And then I would have killed him. I think I’d have broken a few ribs first. Then his nose. I’d have crushed his balls before I stood on his throat and watched the life drain out of him. He’d have to pay for touching her. I couldn’t just snap his neck. No, that would be too easy.
But making sure Polly was okay was more important than chasing his ass. I let her down tonight. I should have been there. I knew, I goddamn well knew it wasn’t safe for her to be there alone, yet because I’m a little bitch, I let her go.
A nurse pushes the door open and continues pulling the bed into the room. I wait until it’s placed against the wall, then I walk over to Polly. Her eyes are hooded but open, and she smiles when she sees me, but then they close right back.
“We’ll be back with the results as soon as we have them,” the nurse tells me as she’s hooking Polly back up to machines.
“How long?”
“Hopefully within the hour. She’s got a concussion but was coherent, so she can rest for a little bit. I’ll come back and check on her shortly.” Stopping at the doorway, she says over her shoulder, “Page us if you need anything; otherwise, we’ll be back with results.”
I wait a few minutes before it’s too much and I have to touch her. The bed squeaks when I sit on the edge of it, but Polly doesn’t stir. I lift her hand in mine and trace over her soft skin, an immediate calm floating through me with barely a touch. “I’m so sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have let you go.”
She looks so peaceful, and I don’t want to wake her, so I shut my trap and just watch her. Plus, I kind of feel like an idiot talking to her while she’s knocked out. My neck loosens as my head falls forward. Without letting go of her hand, I kick my foot out and pull the chair closer to me. Once I angle it, I sit down and rest my head next to her.
A whisper wakes me up, and before I acknowledge that I’m awake, I hear her voice. “Shh. He’s sleeping.”
“Your results are back, and I’m happy to report you have no further damage than the concussion and broken rib.” The doctor’s low voice is loud and clear to me. “I want to keep you for a little while l
onger just to be on the safe side.”
“How long?”
“Just until morning. Get some rest for a bit. The nurses will be in and out a lot tonight, and I’ll come and check on you when I make my rounds in the morning, okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
I’m about to raise my head when another voice sounds. “Hey. Glad to see you awake.” The nurse from earlier. “Just need to get some vitals on you. How’s your pain?”
“It’s fine.”
“Are you sure? You look a little uncomfortable.”
“I’m good,” Polly snaps. “Sorry. I just don’t want any more drugs.”
“Okay. Your call.” A few things rustle, and I recognize the hollow air being released from the blood pressure cuff.
“Can you grab a blanket for him?” Polly asks.
“Sure thing. He’s your boyfriend?”
My head sways on the bed just a bit when Polly takes a large breath. “I don’t know. It’s complicated, I guess.”
“Ahh, I see. Well, I hope it works out. He seems like a keeper.” I like this lady.
“Why do you say that?”
“The way he looks at you. He’s got those intense eyes, and when he’s watching you, it’s… passionate, I guess.”
Small fingers run through my hair. “I know.”
The nurse’s footsteps fade and then return again. A warm blanket is placed over me, and the footsteps are gone after the door is shut.
Her fingers almost put me back asleep, but I fight the tranquility and sit up. “Hey.”
“Hi,” she whispers.
It kills me to see the bandage above her eye and the resulting bruises. I get up and lean over to kiss her, my hands supporting my weight so none of it goes on her. Light as they can, I press my lips to hers, then to her cheek, and finally on her forehead.
When I step back, she grabs my hand. “Lie with me?”
