“David,” he said to Charlie. “It’s David.”
“David,” Charlie began again. “Are you sure there’s nothing more we can do? What about another bypass?” he asked, desperation creeping into his voice.
“Charlie, you know it won’t work. Remember what I explained at her last visit? Her heart has simply worn out. At seventy-one, with all the damage done, it’s just not possible. She’d likely die on the table before the surgery was even over.”
Charlie knew that Nan would be mortified to die on an operating table with her chest cracked wide open and none of her loved ones around.
Dr. Leominster, now David to the Parkers, explained that the best course of action at this point was to end the complicated cocktail of heart medicine that she’d been taking to keep her alive. He assured Charlie that they would make her very comfortable, and promised that she’d feel no pain from this point forward.
In a thick voice, hitching with effort, he gave the doctor permission to go forward in preparing Nan for the end of her life.
Charlie knew he had calls to make, but needed to see Nan before making them. He eased himself back into the now quiet room where a nurse was preparing to move Nan to the ICU. Generally patients in their last days of life weren’t transferred to one of the critical care beds, but given that there were a few vacancies and at Dr. Leominster’s request, she would be allowed the privacy and attention that the unit offered.
Charlie walked to the side of the bed and looked down at Nan’s slack face. She startled him by slowly opening her eyes.
“Hey darlin’,” he said softly. “Made quite a ruckus this time, didn’t you?”
She smiled wanly and tried to raise her arm but didn’t have the strength. Charlie reached down and took her hand in his, knowing what she wanted without her having to utter a syllable.
“Don’t worry, they’re going to take real good care of you.”
“Charlie,” she whispered, “I know this is it. This is what Dr. Leominster was talking about.”
He could only shake his head. Not as much in denial as resistance.
“Listen, honey,” Nan said in her weak voice. “I know this is hard on you. Harder on you than me. But you’ll get through it. All of you will. I don’t want anything done.”
Charlie was only slightly relieved that she knew what the situation was, and then shared with her what Dr. Leominster had told him. He had to stop every few words and rein in his emotions. It wouldn’t do her any good to see him fall apart.
She smiled at him gently before drifting out again. Charlie’s defense mechanism began to crumble, and he wanted to drop to his knees. The nurse in the room who had maintained silent professionalism while Charlie and Nan talked moved toward Charlie with some concern when he grasped the rail of the bed.
“Mr. Parker, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?” she asked.
“No, no. I’m fine,” he replied, trying to restore his composure. “I have to go call our son. Please keep her comfortable,” he implored.
“No need to worry about that, Mr. Parker. No need to worry at all,” the nurse assured in a kind voice.
“She’s in good hands. When you’re done, we’ll probably have her all set up down at the ICU. Do you know where that is?” she asked.
“Oh yes,” he said. This was not Nan’s first trip to that part of the hospital. Only her last.
“Good then. You go on and make your calls.”
“Thank you,” Charlie replied.
Retracing his initial route into the hospital’s emergency room, Charlie worked his way back out to the main entrance. The entry way was shaded by a long, cedar canopy and lined with benches. Pretty flower buckets filled with geraniums were placed intermittently between the benches along with several long-necked ashtrays. Ironically, each ashtray sported a small plaque on its neck indicating that this was a smoke-free area and to please only light up in your car.
Although Charlie hadn’t picked up a cigarette in more than thirty years, Nan had never been able to kick it, and he knew that the smoking was at least partly to blame for this moment. He had never tried to push her into giving it up, knowing that she had to decide for herself. Now though, Charlie couldn’t help but feel bitter toward the paper rolls of poison that had ultimately helped to steal Nan’s life.
Charlie took a seat on one of the benches and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He’d never quite learned to use all the gadgets the phone came with, but he’d mastered dialing and ending calls.
CJ’s number was already programmed into his contact list so Charlie only needed to push the arrow down three times, passing CCELL and CHOME, to CWORK. It was sometimes hard to track CJ down, but Charlie knew the firm’s receptionist Rita had a knack for finding him.
“Good afternoon. Murphy, Levin and Sullivan. How may I help you?”
“Is this Rita?” Charlie asked.
“Why yes, it is,” the voice replied pleasantly.
“This is Charlie Parker, CJ’s father. Is he in by any chance?”
“If you can believe it, he is,” she replied. “Just hold on one second Mr. Parker and I’ll transfer your call.”
“Thank you Rita,” He replied.
“No problem. You take care.”
U2’s Stuck in a Moment broke up the silence of the wait, but Charlie wasn’t really hearing it. Everything around him was quickly turning into background noise. After a moment that lasted an eternity, CJ’s voice sounded on the other end of the line. Even though CJ was quickly approaching his fifty-first birthday, Charlie was always surprised at the deepness of his son’s voice. He could still hear a little boy asking him to take him fishing, or an adolescent crack asking to borrow the car as if it were only a few years before.
“CJ…son,” Charlie started, and then for the first time, but not the last over the next few days, he cried. He got the words out, but they were smattered with deep, hitching sobs that seemed to tear at his chest walls.
CJ had seen his mother’s “spells” getting worse and more frequent over the past year, but Charlie and Nan hadn’t told him of their visit with Dr. Leominster. Nan was adamant that telling CJ would change nothing and cause him unnecessary worry. As always, Charlie had respected her wishes.
“Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus,” CJ sputtered. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Charlie knew it was a good twenty-minute ride from CJ’s office under normal circumstances and cautioned his son.
“CJ, it won’t do anyone any good for you to wrap yourself around a telephone pole. She’s got a little time. They think at least a day or two. Take your time. Do you want me to call Rhonda?” Charlie asked, speaking of CJ’s wife.
“No, no. That’s okay dad,” CJ responded. Charlie could hear papers rustling haphazardly as CJ prepared to come. “I’ll give her a call from the road.”
“Okay then. I’ll see you soon. She’ll be in ICU by then.” He didn’t need to tell CJ where that was as he knew the route every bit as well as Charlie.
After ending the call, Charlie hesitated a moment before heading back into the hospital. He needed to gather himself and make sure he was ready and strong for Nan. Charlie did feel somewhat relieved that they had a chance the year before to tie up that little problem that had dogged them for decades. Making their marriage legal.
In all of the forty plus years that he’d been with Nan, he’d always considered himself married to her. From the moment they’d pledged their lives and their love to each other in late 1960, Nan was absolutely and without question his wife. And he knew she felt the same. Waiting to make things legal until the year before had been the result of Nan’s fear. She couldn’t shake the conviction that someone would discover that she’d never actually divorced Heath. Charlie made countless efforts to ease her mind, trying to persuade her that a marriage that began and ended back in 1957 would never be detected today. Everything was paper then and papers got lost. But she wouldn’t be budged. She had even confided in him that all throughout their legal, city hall ceremony in
2005, she worried that some wheedling, self important clerk would come bursting into the room to declare their marriage illegal. But nothing like that happened and the ceremony was short, sweet and unremarkable.
How in the hell would he be able to go on without her, Charlie wondered. They’d spent the last forty-five years together and he’d devoted his life to her. What could possibly fill the impending void? He wouldn’t let his mind wander in that direction then and made himself get up. Working on his composure every step of the way, Charlie headed back to Nan’s bedside.
Over the next two days, a steady stream of Nan’s family and friends made their way in and out of the little room. She stayed mostly unconscious through the multitude of tears and good-byes, but occasionally had moments of insightful lucidity.
At eleven-ten p.m., as the nightly news was moving into the five day forecast, Nan began to take her leave. Charlie didn’t know it at first as he sat next to her bed, dozing lightly while holding her hand between the two of his. CJ was sitting on the other side, and perked up when he heard the rhythmic sound of the monitors become much more erratic.
“Dad,” he whispered urgently.
Charlie sat up with a start and right away saw the change in Nan’s breathing. He instinctively reached for the nurse’s bell, but CJ shook his head. The plan was clear. Nan did not want, nor would have any medical treatment to prolong this moment. Other than that, calling a nurse to the room would only have invaded their privacy.
Charlie began to kiss Nan’s fingers, telling her softly that it was okay. That she could go. He’d be all right. He would take care of CJ. CJ would take care of him.
Nan’s heartbeat responded a little more regularly and Charlie knew that she was hearing him.
“CJ,” Charlie said, “you should tell your mother goodbye.”
“Mom,” CJ said thickly. “Thank you. Thank you for being the best mother, the best grandmother. We love you. We love you mom,” he said, trying not to weep.
“I love you Nan,” Charlie said. Her heartbeat stopped. The machine’s cheep, cheep, cheep sound transitioned into a low, muted drone. The volume had been turned down to almost silent, everyone understanding that there should be no response to the noise.
Charlie and CJ waited, holding their breath to see if the beeping would start again.
It did not.
The two men sat for nearly ten minutes, each in quiet reflection, thinking about Nan in their life, and now, their lives without Nan. Eventually it was Charlie who broke the silence, laying his wife’s hand gently down beside her. He stood, never taking his eyes from her beautiful, peaceful face, and reached out to touch her cheek. It was warm and smooth, and he was astounded to realize she wasn’t simply asleep. He sighed deeply and walked around the bed until he stood behind CJ, whose face was buried in hands. Charlie patted his son’s back.
“CJ, would you please go get the nurse?”
Charlie needed a minute by himself with Nan. CJ stood and Charlie hugged him, clinging long enough to feel the swell of emotion and letting go just in time to push it back. There would be plenty of time for that later.
CJ left the room and Charlie was alone with his wife for the last time. Although he knew she was gone, he had one final thing to say to her.
“Nan, I know you are hearing me from a much different place, but I know you’re hearing me. Not a day has passed in more than sixty years that you haven’t been on my mind. I already miss you and promise that until the day we’re together again, my heart is with you.”
Charlie laid his head on Nan’s motionless chest and wept.
From somewhere very, very far away, where a golden light surrounded her, Nan did hear Charlie. The feeling of peace was indescribable, and she silently thanked her husband for everything. For being her hero. For being an amazing father to CJ. For loving her, despite and because of everything she was.
Nan's Story Page 18
