by C. F. Cooper
"Wait. What about my grades?"
"Don't worry, I updated your previous marks while you were building the wardrobe. You are now a grade A student. You need to scrape a pass in your last assignment and you'll get a B at the least. But Gary, why don't you put in some real effort?"
"I do," he said defensively.
"Really, or do you put in as much effort as you can muster because you're not excited about life, don't believe that it is an adventure that requires enthusiasm or engagement?"
"Well, thanks for upgrade,” said Gary, changing the subject. “Will you come back?"
"If I succeed yes. If I don't the whole multiverse is doomed, and your grades will be irrelevant." The professor shook Gary's hand and stepped into the wardrobe.
"Good luck," Gary shouted after him.
The professor was thrown backwards out of the wardrobe. He flew through the air and landed on the chesterfield couch that was the centrepiece of his office. "Damn, I wasn't expecting that."
"What happened?"
"I'm not sure," he said. "Probably the fabric isn't quite stretched enough." The professor stood up and stepped back towards the portal. "Stand behind me and push me when I go through this time."
"I don't know about that. Why don't you take a run at it?"
"The force of the expulsion winded me. Gary, I only have a few seconds left before I need to close it down. Please."
"Okay, okay," said Gary reluctantly.
They stood in front the of the wardrobe facing each other. The professor pulled Gary close, gripping his t-shirt. "When I count to three, push me back as hard as you can."
Gary nodded and placed his hands on the professor's chest.
"One, two..." Gary prepared to push with all his might. Suddenly the professor spun round. "Three."
The professor pushed him backwards. Gary tried to reach out and grab him to stop his fall, but it all happened too fast. He fell into the wardrobe and had the sensation of light enveloping him like quicksand, sucking him in and surrounding him. For a split second he felt a rush of air and a deafening noise. Even though it happened in the blink of an eye, it passed in slow motion. The portal will reject me, and I will end up on the chesterfield, he thought. Gary closed his eyes instinctively and felt a soft landing.
When he opened his eyes, he found he was not on the chesterfield in Professor Wiseman's office. He was lying in deep powder snow, surrounded by trees with ice drops hanging from them like Christmas decorations. A mountain range full of white capped peaks glistened in the distance. Directly in front of him was the wardrobe leading through into the professor's office. The professor peered through. He looked crestfallen.
"I'm so sorry Gary, I had to test if anyone could pass through. It rejected me."
Gary sat up in the snow. "Why me?"
"You were here."
"I mean why would it let me through and not you?"
"I need to work on that. Are you a virgin by any chance?"
Gary's face flushed red as he got to his feet and walked back to the wardrobe. "No, I'm not a virgin, and if I was it would be none of your business."
"I suspect this location probably is more conducive to virgins passing through. I may have to relocate the portal to a more powerful wayline, Stonehenge or somewhere like that. I should be able to pass through there."
"Well good luck with that," said Gary as he stepped back into the wardrobe. As before he was enveloped with light and a rushing wind. Again, he was thrown backwards. Shit, he had been thrown back into the winter wonderland.
"Ah, about that," said the professor. "It's one-way only."
"What? You can't be serious."
"I'm afraid so. You can get home, but you need to travel to the City of Crystals. There is a portal there that leads to our world. That was where I was going."
Gary tried to speak, but no words came. He had been dumped in an alternate universe and informed that he needed to make his way through a strange land to get home.
"Be careful though, the Ice King will try and kill you if he hears there is a human in his realm. It will be a long slow painful death. He likes to destroy human souls before he finishes them off. It gives him more power you see."
Gary nodded as if everything he was hearing was perfectly normal. It wasn't normal. It didn't sound normal, but he was in a state of complete shock.
"I will try and join you, but if I don't make it, you need to stop the Ice King from creating a permanent rip in the fabric of time-space. It will destroy both worlds. I need to close the portal now. Stay safe and hopefully see you soon. Gary, if I don't make it, it's up to you. You must save the multiverse." The professor waived and disappeared from sight as he headed towards the power sockets in the wall of his study.
"Wait, professor. You can't leave me here."
The wardrobe disappeared into a vortex of light which began to shrink until it was no more than a floating dot, then it disappeared. Gary was sitting on the ground in the snow with no way home.
"No pressure," said a gruff voice from behind him.
Gary spun round and found himself staring at a badger, standing on two feet. He was leaning against a tree smoking a pipe. Not only was he standing on two legs and talking, his paws were like a pair of small leathery human hands, which allowed him to hold the pipe he was so obviously enjoying.
"What... uh..."
"Save the multiverse eh? No biggy," said the badger.
"Who..."
"Me?" said he badger. "Are you trying to ask who I am?"
Gary nodded. His mouth was having increasing difficulty speaking.
"Smallgrass, I'm Smallgrass. So, you're a virgin?"
Gary found his voice. "No, I'm not a virgin."
"Well, Gary the not virgin, I owe you my life." Smallgrass pointed with his pipe to where the wardrobe had been.
He looked round to see a pool of blood where the wardrobe had been.
"One of the doomwalkers was about to run me through, when whoosh, a pool of light appeared where he was standing. Obliterated him, it did."
"Do you know where the City of Crystals is?" asked Gary.
"Sure, follow the red trail. You'll be there in a couple of days."
"Can you take me to the red trail?"
Smallgrass laughed. "I'm being sarcastic. There is a trail of blood that leads all the way from the Crystal City to here, through the four kingdoms. We are the last complete hold out against the Ice King. His doomwalkers have slashed and burned and slaughtered their way to control of the four lands, spreading winter as they go."
"The Ice King is in the Crystal City?"
"He rules the Crystal City. It has always been his domain. Now he wants it all."
Gary felt a sudden chill run through him and he began to shake. He teeth chattered.
"Come on," said Smallgrass. "I'm not sure if that is fear or cold but regardless, it will be dark soon and you'll freeze if we don't get you inside."
Chapter 2
Gary sipped on the hot broth as he looked around the home Smallgrass had brought him to. It was deep underground and had been accessed through a door in the side of a small hill that was disguised as a bush.
Smallgrass had led Gary through a set of tunnels with multiple offshoot leading who knows where. The only reason Gary had been able to follow Smallgrass was because he'd kept his pipe lit. At first, he followed the small dancing light and the smell of tobacco, but after a few minutes his eyes began to adjust, and he could make it the tunnel system with its score marks. It had been hand dug by Smallgrass and his kind. Finally, after what seemed like hours but more likely was a few minutes, they reached a dead end. It was, in fact, a door fashioned to look like earth. Smallgrass pushed the door open to reveal a large comfortable room, there were four large padded seats placed round a fireplace, a table and chairs and a large bed. Paintings adorned the walls.
"I've brought someone home," said Smallgrass.
Another badger turned around and peered at Gary from one of the seats.
"You've been gone a while."
"Yes, I was chased by a doomwalker and almost killed," said Smallgrass.
"That would have been a shame. I'd have missed your company, and who would I have made love to?"
"This is Gary. Gary this is Smallgrass."
"Nice to meet you Gary."
"Wait, I thought you were Smallgrass?"
"I am. We are. We are partners, so we have the same name."
"But, what do you call each other?"
"Smallgrass," they both said in unison.
"You don't have two names?"
"I know some animals do," said Smallgrass. "But not badgers. We are practical creatures. What is the point of two names. You're either partners or you're not. Once we mate, we take one name."
"Sit down by the fire," the other Smallgrass said. "You look cold."
Gary shuffled over and flopped onto the chair. It was a soft and comfortable. The second Smallgrass, Mrs Smallgrass, took the lid off a pot that hung over the fire, poured some broth into a cup and handed it to him. Gary wrapped both hands around it to comfort himself. He took a sip and sat back.
"He's full human you know," said Mr Smallgrass.
"No?"
"Yes, he appeared from a portal right in front of my eyes. The portal destroyed the doomwalker that was after me."
"Well, that was lucky. What is he doing here?"
"He was sent by his leader to make his way to the Crystal City and battle the Ice King."
Mrs Smallgrass frowned and smiled simultaneously. "It's not going to end well."
"Apparently he's a virgin."
"Oh, really? At his age?"
"So his leader said."
Gary shook his head. He was in a nightmare. "Professor Wiseman is not my leader and I am not a virgin. And since when could badgers talk?"
The badgers looked at each other and laughed. One of them said, "Do you remember the tales of humans visiting our world? They were always surprised that they weren't the only uprights and that they weren’t the only ones that could talk."
"They were always virgins too."
"True but younger than Gary."
"Oh, much younger. How could you reach Gary's age without ever making love?"
"How did you do it Gary?"
Gary put his cup of broth down and took a deep breath. "For the last time, I am not a virgin and the professor is not my leader. I was getting some disposable cups and plates from Ikea and now I'm here. Stuck without a way home unless I go to the Crystal City."
"I was thinking we would take him there since he saved my life."
"We will be killed. It's a suicide trip."
"Yeah, I know, but I'd be dead if he hadn't turned up."
"True, and we could all be dead tomorrow."
"Wait," said Gary. "Wait, what is this place and why can you talk?"
"So many questions. Which would you like answered first?"
"All of them, none of them. I want to go home."
"Okay, looks like we need to have a story night."
"Ooh, we haven't done that for so long." Mr Smallgrass said and clapped her hands together in delight.
Mrs Smallgrass reached up the to the mantlepiece above the fire and pulled down three pipes. Reaching into the fire with a long taper, the badger lit them all and passed one to Gary. The badgers sat down. Mr Smallgrass took a long draw of his pipe and blew out some smoke rings. "Let us begin."
"I don't smoke," said Gary.
"You don't travel to distant lands and battle Ice Kings either, but there's a first time for everything. Besides, this is a special blend that will transport your mind to a place where the stories work better."
"Is this...is it weed?"
"It is dreamsmoke, a herbal concoction that relaxes your mind and body. It's not a weed."
Gary took a draw on the pipe and felt the hit immediately. All tension left his body for the first time since he'd met professor Wiseman earlier that day. Sitting back in his chair he looked over at the badgers. They were indistinguishable from each other, puffing on their pipes.
"I think we are ready. Let us begin."
Gary stared at the smoke from the pipes. It was snaking its way together into the centre of the room. It then shrunk and compressed down to nothing, seemingly disappearing. "In the beginning there was nothing. Then there was something." The smoke re-appeared as quickly as it had vanished. "Then there were lots of things." The smoke expanded outward in all directions, creating a cloud-like blanket with small concentrated balls of swirling colour.
"The big bang," said Gary.
"Listen."
"Sorry, carry on. Didn't mean to interrupt you. Never interrupt a talking badger, that's what I say." Gary giggled.
"I think the pipe has done its magic," said Mr Smallgrass. "Let us continue."
***
Gary wasn't sure how long the story went for. It seemed like days, but he knew that couldn't be true. He could see the smoke dance and make shapes in the air between them. At times he would shut his eyes when told to by the badgers and he would be looking at a vision as real as any movie he'd ever watched. Somehow, they all saw the same thing. Gary knew this because they would direct his attention to elements within the vision.
"Look to the left, down by the tree, the one next to the river. The young rabbit there is Mullin," and so it would go on.
They told the story between them, taking over from each other without missing a beat. They explained how the Sun was formed in the sky, creating light and dark, cold and heat. The moon and the world were formed, then came water, land, air and fire. Then came plants and animals, every opposition balancing each other out and feeding the other. Different but part of the whole and in balance.
And the divisions kept coming. Winter and summer, spring and autumn. Then came language and there were speaking animals and non-speaking animals. Not just humans though. Humans were simply the upright apes. Many other animals stood and began to speak.
And it was when the speaking came that the balance was lost. The speaking could easily dominate the non-speaking and it was a time of sadness for one half of the animal kingdom.
Then came the split. The world was dividing into two. At first it appeared liked double vision. If you shut your left eye you could see the world as it had always been, if you shut your right eye you saw the new world. A place of great beauty. An abundant garden. Two separate worlds overlapping with each other in the same space. They could see the new world but could not touch it. It was there but not there. Many of the speaking animals took to wearing an eye patch over their left eye to avoid becoming disorientated. With only one eye open they could pretend nothing had changed, nothing was ever going to change.
One day, about a year after the split, things seemed to go back to normal. Mullin the rabbit was the first to notice that the new world was no longer there. She found, however, that there were many gateways between the worlds. Huge gateways that stretched hundreds of yards across and hundreds of feet into the air. And these were real gateways. You could pass through them and touch the new world and feel it. Mullin sat by one the gateways for forty days and observed it. It was slowly but surely shrinking. Mullin travelled to the next gateway and studied that for forty days. It too was shrinking. She realised that soon the worlds would be separate and unconnected.
She was one of the greatest of speakers in the known world, and she began to persuade many that they should move to the new world and leave the old to the non-speaking. Mullin believed that, as the newest of animals, this new world was meant for them and that there were great treasures to be found there. The non-speaking could thrive in the old world as they had done for thousands of years, without being dominated by the speaking.
A group of brave travelers passed through the portals to investigate. Sure enough, they reported that the new world was a magical garden without hunger or shame, a place of love. They returned to tell everyone what they had found, and the great migration began before the gateways clo
sed.
Soon the gateways were no larger than a small door, but most of the speaking had passed through. All but a small band of humans. They had volunteered to man the gateways to guide those passing through. At least, that was what they had said. As the gateways closed one by one, Adam and his followers refused to enter the garden, as it was then called. They did not want peace and love. They believed that being the only speaking animals left, they could become the masters of the old world. The gateways closed, and the new world began its own history, leaving the old behind.
The lands separated into four, Winter, Summer, Spring and Autumn. There was somewhere to suit every animal, but they all lived in peace and harmony.
Gary drifted off to sleep in the chair at this point, physically exhausted and overcome with the dreamsmoke. He dreamt of being back in Ikea. Stuck in the bathroom department and unable to find his way out. Professor Wiseman's voice was booming over the tannoy system. Save the multiverse Gary. Save the multiverse. "Let me out of here," Gary shouted at the tannoy. The tannoy answered back at him a low growling noise.
Gary woke up and realised the growling was coming from the bed. Mr and Mrs Smallgrass were rutting and growling at each other. Shit, their having sex, he thought. Gary closed his eyes and pretended to be still sleeping. The growling accelerated and was finished with a loud, blood curdling scream. Gary opened his eyes and looked over. The badgers separated on the bed and lit up a couple of pipes.
"Wow," said one. "That feels better."
"It sure does. I needed that. You can't go into a big day without a good session beforehand."
"So true," said Mr Smallgrass, looking over to Gary. "Morning, did we wake you up? We can get quite noisy, especially at the end."
"Yes," said Gary, not knowing what else he could sensibly add.
"Are you're sure you're not a virgin?" If not, you should make love before we head off. You'll feel better for it."
Gary felt as though he was still under the influence of the dreamsmoke. Was he being invited to have sex with a badger? Surely Smallgrass wasn't suggesting that?
"I'm all good," he said. "I don't think Mrs Smallgrass would like that."
