He hesitated, sensing a change in the atmosphere. He wasn’t sure he wanted to have this conversation. But as he looked down at her upturned face, his gaze was caught by her soft brown eyes. He lowered himself to the couch beside her.
“I need to tell you something, Eli.” She looked down at her hands as she twisted a ring around her finger. It was a simple stone, pale green. Eli realized then that it was the only jewelry she ever wore.
To his surprise, she took his hand in her own. “I had a visitor this afternoon—your brother Ben. He told me about your biological parents. What you found out about them.”
Irritation flared up in him. “I didn’t know my brother was such a font of information.”
“He came looking for you, but I was the one who wanted to talk to him.” Rachel stopped, her finger pressing lightly on the scar on his hand. A reminder of his past.
“I wanted to ask him about you.”
“Why?”
“Because that day I came to visit you, I came to tell you that I had made a mistake at the picnic. Like I said, I was afraid to let someone else in my life. Losing Keith was a hard thing, but those days that I didn’t hear from you were almost harder. It hurt, Eli, and I don’t want it to hurt anymore. And I wanted to know why you stayed away. I thought maybe your brother would know.”
Eli thought of her parents sitting at her sister’s side. So normal and ordinary. Solid, respectable citizens. The kind of people he had thought his own parents were. Their life was well ordered and stable. A life like the one he had hoped to have for himself before he felt ready to let someone else into his life.
“I had a plan for my life,” Eli said. In spite of his own reservations, he curled his fingers around her hand. He didn’t want to let go. “I was going to buy a house, fix it up, put money aside, pay off loans. All neat and tidy. I wasn’t supposed to meet someone I cared about for another year or two.” He laughed lightly, then looked at her. “You came early.”
Rachel’s dark eyes widened but she didn’t look away. “What are you saying, Eli?”
“I care for you, Rachel. More than I’ve ever cared for anyone else. You’ve turned my life upside down. But since I found out about my parents, I don’t know what to think, what to feel.”
“What do your parents have to do with anything?” she cried, her hand tightening on his.
“I thought they were these wonderful people…I thought—” He stopped, wishing he could lay it out all neat and tidy, like a report, but he couldn’t. And Rachel was looking at him with such compassion that he knew that he had to tell her in whatever way he could.
“I grew up knowing I had other parents,” he said, gazing down at their joined hands. “I grew up in a wonderful, loving home, but I always felt, because I had other memories, that I was on the fringes of my adoptive family. Ben had come to them as an infant without memories, and I know there were times that Mom and Dad didn’t quite know what to do with me. Like I told you before, we never talked about my biological parents. Never mentioned their names. When I found a box of photos in Mom and Dad’s house of me and my parents, I felt angry and betrayed.”
“The pictures you were throwing out?”
“Ben pulled them out of the trash,” Eli said with a rueful smile. “Interfering brother that he is. I was angry with Mom and Dad Cavanaugh when I found the pictures, thinking they had been holding something infinitely precious from me. I’m sure they had their reasons.”
“Did they know the truth about your parents?”
Eli shook his head. “No. I think it was like you said that one day in the park. Maybe they thought they were doing me a favor. But I had created a dream family around my biological parents. I’m pretty sure I’d often thought, when the Cavanaughs were disciplining me, that if only I were with my real parents, they would be better. So when I got the pictures, I felt as if I had connected to a very important part of my life, a better part. Then, when I found out what my parents really were—” he lifted his shoulder in a slow shrug “—I felt betrayed a second time. I knew I had hurt Mom and Dad with my anger and rebellion about my biological parents and it was all over a fantasy. A dream. I feel like I’ve made such a mess of things.”
“But life isn’t orderly and tidy, is it,” she said, reaching up and touching his cheek. “I found that out when I started taking care of Gracie and a certain doctor laid out the rules in no uncertain terms. I had to let go of a lot of control—and I don’t do that very well.” She glanced at the door, as if trying to look past it to Gracie. “I’ve spent a lot of time the past few days praying, trying to figure out what God wants of me, and I don’t know. I don’t know if He’s going to spare Gracie or take her away. I fought so long and hard with Him over Keith, thinking that if I just prayed hard enough, things would happen the way I wanted.”
“They don’t, do they.”
“I used to be in control of my life. But I had to let go of that. I am trying to find God again.”
The conviction in her voice called to a buried part of Eli’s own life. A part that his parents had nurtured in him by bringing him to church, reading the Bible with him, encouraging him to develop his own devotional life.
He had pushed that aside. He had found out, in his work, that often God didn’t make sense. God let some children die and others live. Eli couldn’t figure it out. God didn’t come all neat and tidy and packaged.
And he had pushed God aside because of that. God didn’t fit in his well-ordered life.
Well, that life wasn’t so well-ordered anymore.
He now sat beside a woman he had come to care for in a way he never would have thought possible.
“So how do we do this, Rachel?” he asked, unsure of what direction to take now.
“I read a quote by Irving Townsend this afternoon, that to open up to other people is ‘to live within a fragile circle easily and often breached.’ I know I was afraid of that. Afraid to let you in. But it started with Gracie.” She gave him a careful smile. “I’m still afraid of what will happen to her, but I’m learning to let go, to put her in God’s hands. Because I know that as a perfect parent, He loves her more than I do. And I’m learning that sometimes the pain is worth the loving.”
Eli touched her face with his fingers, marveling at this amazing woman. Then, without thinking or weighing or measuring, he leaned closer and kissed her. She clung to him.
“I’m glad you’re here, Eli,” she whispered again as she tucked her head under his chin.
He was, too. They had only just begun to explore this new relationship. No, he wasn’t ready for it—but, he suspected, neither was she. It was happening and they would have to deal with it as it came.
The door opened and they sprang apart. It was the charge nurse and she looked harried.
“Eli. Come quick. Gracie’s in distress.”
Chapter Seventeen
Rachel sat perched on the edge of the couch in the family room, clutching her mother’s icy cold hands. Charles paced the room behind them as Reverend Fraser, sitting across from them, read from Psalm 46, his deep voice creating a cocoon of comfort.
“‘God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.’”
Rachel let the words rest on her weary and tired mind, holding her up. Ever-present, she reminded herself.
“Charles, will you join us?” Reverend Fraser asked.
Charles stopped, then with a nod sat beside Rachel.
Reverend Fraser took Beatrice’s and Charles’s hands, Charles held Rachel’s, Rachel held Beatrice’s, closing the circle.
Reverend Fraser began to pray. He interceded for Gracie. Prayed for Eli who was even now frantically working to save the little girl’s life. When he prayed that, if it be His will, He take Gracie, Rachel almost cried out in protest.
But she felt her mother’s and father
’s hands holding hers and she knew that she had to let go of Gracie.
When they were done, she looked up at Reverend Fraser. “Thank you for coming,” she said quietly. “It means a lot to have you here.”
He smiled at her. “We are family, Rachel. We help each other.”
“I know and I’m thankful for that.” She got up from the couch, feeling suddenly restless. She knew God was watching over her sister, but she wanted to watch, as well. But the charge nurse had kept them away, telling them that Eli and the nurses needed no distractions.
She stood by the door, looking out the window at the double doors of the ICU. Beyond them she could see a nurse running with a cart toward Gracie’s room, and her heart knocked against her rib cage.
What was happening?
Dear Lord, please keep her with us. Please let us keep her a little longer.
She stayed by the doorway as if keeping vigil, praying and praying.
“She’s going into another seizure.” The nurse’s voice was clipped as she held Gracie’s spasming body down.
“Increase the Valium,” Eli said, one eye on her blood pressure. “B.P. is dropping,” he said. “Give her a fluid bolus.” Another machine went off.
“Oxygen levels dropping, as well,” another nurse said.
Eli snapped out orders, his eyes moving from one monitor to the other, watching, measuring, planning for various scenarios.
Gracie had crashed once and they had managed to stabilize her, but now her seizures were like waves, one after the other.
Status epilipticus was the technical term.
“C’mon, Gracie,” he whispered, looking back at her. “Stay with us. Rachel needs you. We all need you.”
A few tense moments followed the changes they had made as they watched and waited. And Eli prayed—formless, half-coherent prayers. Prayed for strength, prayed for wisdom and pleaded that this little girl would be allowed to stay.
“B.P. is climbing,” one nurse said.
Eli nodded and watched, ready to respond should anything change.
“Oxygen levels are rising,” the nurse said, just as he noticed it himself.
Relief sang through him as he realized Gracie had turned the corner. She was going to pull out of this.
Eli waited a few moments longer, making sure that she was stable. Then he left to tell Rachel and her parents.
His hairline was damp with sweat and his back was tight from bending over the bed. He was tired and worn, but exhilarated at the same time. This was why he had become a doctor, he realized. These moments when all his training came together and he could save the life of a child.
He caught himself. No. He had only been used by God. Ultimately it was God who was in control. God who had saved her life.
It was a humbling way to look at his work, he realized as he trudged down the hallway to the family room. But it was also freeing. He didn’t have complete control. He only had to do what he could. God was in charge of it all.
Rachel saw him coming and was the first one out of the room. She ran up to him, catching his hands in hers, her face silently pleading with him.
“She’s going to be okay.”
“Thank the Lord,” Rachel breathed. She clung to him, then burst into tears.
“She looks good,” Rachel whispered, standing beside Gracie’s bed. Her parents had left an hour ago. Rachel looked exhausted, her face drawn in the subdued lighting of the hospital room, but she told Eli she didn’t want to leave until Gracie was settled for the evening.
“She’ll be fine now,” Eli said, standing behind Rachel. He placed his hands on her shoulders and Rachel leaned into him.
“Thank you,” she said, angling her head up to look at him. “You’re an amazing doctor.”
“I’m just a doctor,” he said. “Which definitely has its humbling moments.”
Rachel pulled away from Eli and bent over her sister, placing a gentle kiss on her head. “Have a good sleep, precious one,” she said. She sighed, then turned to Eli. “I’m ready to go now.”
He reached past Rachel and stroked Gracie’s cheek with one finger. “Thank You, Lord,” he whispered. Then he slipped his arm around Rachel and together they walked out of the room and down the hallway toward the elevators. One came quickly and they stepped inside.
As the doors slid shut behind her, Rachel yawned and tunneled her hands through her hair. “I feel like a grub,” she said.
“You look wonderful,” Eli said, tousling the hair she had just tried to rearrange.
“Flattery even at this time of night?”
“Why not?” Eli looked down at Rachel, then dropped a quick kiss on her lips.
“Is this how you treat all your patients’ relatives?” she asked with a smile.
“Just the ones I really care about.” He caught her by the waist, holding her gaze. Her expression became serious as the implications of what he had said sank in. He swallowed, then took a chance and went one step further. “Just the ones I love.”
Rachel lifted trembling fingers to his cheek, her gaze still locked with his. “And how many are those?” she whispered.
“Only one.” To seal his promise, he pulled her close, and slowly, gently, kissed her.
Rachel returned his kiss. Then she drew away, her eyes shining. “I love you, Eli Cavanaugh. I didn’t think I’d be able to say that.”
He smiled, then kissed her again. And again.
“Are you getting out?”
Eli glanced back over his shoulder. The elevator had stopped and the doors were open. An older man and woman stood in the hallway of the main floor watching them with benign expressions on their faces. A few people who walked by slowed down, smiling at the picture they made.
“Sorry,” he muttered, an embarrassed flush warming his neck as Rachel drew away from him.
“This is nothing to be sorry about,” the man said, as he held the door open for his wife, smiling at them both.
“Love is always something to celebrate.”
Rachel giggled, then caught Eli by the arm and pulled him out of the elevator.
“Take care,” the woman called out as the doors closed behind them.
Eli sighed. “Well, that was romantic. Somehow I didn’t think I would end up making declarations in an elevator. With an audience.” He looked around the hallway. Though it was late evening, the hospital was still alive with nurses and orderlies intent on their work, the night cleaning staff doing their job and relatives of patients wandering around, waiting.
“What are you looking for?” Rachel asked.
“Someplace discreet and private where we can talk properly.”
Rachel caught him by the front panels of his lab coat and standing on tiptoe, kissed him quick and hard. “I love you, Eli. And I don’t care who knows or sees us. I don’t care about proper and I don’t care about having things all neat and tidy. I don’t care where you came from and I don’t care where we’re going. Not anymore. I just want to be with you.”
Eli shook his head and curved his arm around her waist. “So do I. But I would prefer to have some ordinary conversation without onlookers.”
Rachel leaned against him and sighed. “Ordinary. I do like the sound of that word.”
“It does have a nice ring to it, doesn’t it,” Eli said.
“So where should we go?”
“How about your parents’ place? It’s not that far.”
“That’s not so private,” Rachel said, a frown wrinkling her forehead.
“Are you kidding? There must be at least sixty rooms in that place.”
“Only fifty-four,” Rachel protested. “And some of those are servants’ quarters.”
“Pardon me,” Eli said with a laugh. “But I’m sure we can find someplace quiet to talk in one of those fifty-four rooms.”
“I guess we could,” Rachel said, slipping her arm around Eli as they left the hospital together.
“Pick a flower?” Gracie asked, toddling over to where Rachel sat besi
de her parents’ swimming pool and dropping a couple of wilted pansies in her lap.
Rachel pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head and smiled at her sister as she took the flowers. “Looks like you’ve been busy, little one.”
Beatrice sat nearby in the shade of an umbrella, her foot up on a stool. The cast had come off a week ago, but she had been counseled to take it easy for a few more weeks. So Rachel had offered to work out of her parents’ home for a while longer. It wasn’t the best system, but it worked. Anita and Reuben were wonderfully capable and had proven to be an efficient team, giving Rachel a little more time to spend with her parents and Gracie.
“When did Eli say he was coming?” Beatrice asked, laying her book on the glass-topped table beside her.
“He had hoped to be here between three and four.” Rachel took one of the pansies Gracie had given her and tucked it in her hair. It was now three-thirty, but she wasn’t worried. Eli always gave her a broad range of time to allow for emergencies.
The noise of a car engine coming up the drive made Rachel frown. “Are you expecting company?”
“Not that I’m aware of. Do you mind seeing who it is?”
“Aleeda can come and let us know.”
Beatrice laughed. “You are getting far too good at delegating, my dear. Go and see who it is.”
“All that delegating you’ve been nagging at me to do has made me a spoiled, lazy girl.” Rachel stretched her arms over her head and stood. “But I’ll go find out who dares to intrude on our privacy. C’mon, Gracie. You come with me. Mom can’t jump in after you if you decide to go for a swim in the pool.”
Gracie obediently took Rachel’s hand and toddled along beside her.
The inside of the house was cool after the warm sunshine as Rachel and Gracie made their way to the front entranceway. Just as they entered the main foyer, the large front door opened and Eli stepped inside.
A wave of pleasure spiraled up inside her. “Hi, there! How did you get here? I didn’t hear your motorcycle.”
Eli bent over and kissed her gently, then picked up Gracie. “I have another mode of transportation.”
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