by Casey Diam
“I guess you’ll never make use of that key I gave you years ago, huh?”
I’d forgotten about that, which was crazy because that key had been on my keychain since I was nine or ten. My mom said it wasn’t okay for me to use it to or to just go into someone’s house. It didn’t matter that he was my father. I glanced at the picture of Ash and me that was on the mantel above the fireplace.
Next to it was another one of us on the football field, Will bent down, his arms around the two of us. We were probably around seven.
“Those are still my favorite pictures of you and Ash. I’ve tried to paint them a million times, but it never turns out good enough.” He handed me a cup of water.
I’d forgotten how much of my art skills came from him. “You still paint?”
“Not much anymore. Might just be a phase, but I get a greater satisfaction from building things that comes to life before my eyes than I do from painting now. Are you warming up? I could get the fireplace going if you want.”
“No, I’m good.”
He let out a small chuckle. “You’re throwing me off here. I’m used to being greeted by your anger or indifference. Is everything okay?”
“Not really,” I said truthfully. “Why do you still have these here?” I asked, looking at the pictures, two of which had Ash’s mother in them.
“Of Alice? Or you?”
“Both.”
“They remind me of . . . true happiness.”
The sadness in his tone caused me to look at him.
“I’m sure that I’m the furthest thing from happiness. Anger and indifference, remember?” I said, not meaning to be an asshole, but it was a hard habit to break. He was the one letting me know how he really felt using his words.
“I guess you still don’t understand that I’d rather have you in my life with all that anger and indifference than not have you in my life at all.”
That shut me up. I didn’t expect him to say that. Taking a large drink of water, I walked over to the sofa and sat.
“Back then, life was just different,” he continued. “It was the most time I got to spend with you and Ash, just enjoying the shit out of a game we loved. That was true happiness for me. I mean you were—you still had a temper.” He shook his head with a laugh. “But for the right reasons in your mind. Someone picking on your brother or the other team getting away with penalties.”
He’d been our coach before Ash and I started high school. Those days on the field were amazing and gave Ash and I some of the best training we’d ever had back then. “I think that’s around the time you told me that if I was going to get in a fight with someone, never to throw the first punch.”
“And that’s probably about when you learned how to start picking fights and pushing people’s buttons. I don’t think your mother ever forgave me for that.”
I smiled. “No, but she should. I think that advice kept me out of juvie a few times at least. I’m hardly ever at fault.”
He walked over to the recliner and sat, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees. “Well, if you don’t listen to anything else I say, I guess I should add onto that now that you’re here because you should also know that self-control is the greatest attribute you can ever have. Learn how to rein in your emotions and you will not only be a great leader in everything you do, but you will also become a force to be reckoned with because that kind of control will reflect your true strength. And it’s then that you become a master on and off the field because you learned to keep everything in here.” He tapped a finger to his head. “The last thing you want to do is hand over your weakness on a silver platter. Your opponents will play you on that, and your whole team will suffer before you even realize what’s happening. Anyway, that’s my long overdue advice. Take it or leave it. You’re practically a man now.”
“Practically.”
Staring down at my hands, I swallowed, not sure how to broach the subject of him choosing Ash and not me without showing him how much I cared, how much it affected me.
I chewed on the inside of my lip.
“Seems like training has been going good, you already look like you’re bulking up.”
“Yeah, Coach offered me a wide receiver position on the team, and I’ve been lifting. I still have to gain more weight.”
“Ash told me about that.”
“He tells you everything, doesn’t he?” I asked dryly, pain and jealousy burning through my chest.
It was a moment before he answered. “I’ve always wanted that same relationship with you, Ryker.”
“Did you?” I asked in disbelief.
“Yes, and not having that is still one of my biggest regrets. I never knew how to reach you. I must have over a thousand pictures and videos of you that I watch all the time. I’ve always wanted to be there for you, but once you became a teenager, it became on unending battle. Every time I tried to get to know you, to build our relationship, you pushed me away.”
I nodded and swallowed. That was true, but it wasn’t without reasoning. “Because I didn’t want to disappoint you,” I admitted. “I wanted to be the one who hated you first, not for you to be the one who hated me once you got to know me and see how far from perfect I am.”
He shook his head. “I could never hate you, Ryker.”
“You say that, but I’m nothing like Ash. How could I even compare?”
As my eyes blurred with unshed tears, I looked down.
“You might not be like Ash, but I still love you just as much. You’re still my son, and every day, I tell myself that if I could go back, I would try harder to get to know you better, to have you in my life so that I could have been there for you in all the ways I have been for Ash. I’m sorry that I failed you as a father.”
The tears filling my eyes overflowed onto my cheeks, first from one eye then the other.
“It kills me knowing you grew up calling someone else your dad, and I know I can’t make up for any of my mistakes, but if you’re willing, I’d like for us to try to have a better relationship. That’s what I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a while now.”
I glanced at him and saw the wetness in his own eyes. If I hadn’t witnessed it, I wouldn’t have believed it, but knowing that this had affected him as much as it had me was satisfying to some degree. I swiped the tears from my jaw, wanting to ask him if he was sure. Did he really want me, as fucked up as I was? I swallowed the lump forming in my throat.
“I stopped calling him Dad when I found out.” Finding out that your best friend’s dad was also your dad changes one’s perspective. My initial thought was that I would start calling Will Dad, but that never happened either.
“Your mother never told me that.”
“She hated it, and she wouldn’t have anyway.”
It was a part of the ploy Mom kept up for a while, pretending we were the perfect family like the one Will had with Alice and Ash. Hell, I didn’t figure that out until after Mom was pregnant with Lily. She hated that too, and even though I would never tell Will, I was almost a hundred percent positive that my mom used to have it somewhere in the back of her mind that she would one day get back with Will, and the further she got from that happening, the worse things got at home.
That adoration she once had for Will turned into hate, which was oftentimes directed at me, and that was the reason she’d wanted to stop me from playing football. She wouldn’t pay for it, and after she’d said Will couldn’t afford it with taking care of his family, I got angry, and most of that was directed at him. It was the reason I had to figure out how to pay for my own gear and the other expenses that came with the sport. No one knew this, not even Ash. So, when I was shoveling snow in the winter or working at the campgrounds in the summers, the guys thought I was saving money for a car, but that was only the partial truth.
“You’re still welcome here at any time. I’ve told you before that you might not live here, but just like Ash, you can come and go whenever you like. This is your home too. I might
not have an extra room for you, but you say the word, and I’ll figure out a way to make it happen.”
I nodded. “Thank you.” I cleared my throat. “We don’t have to hug or anything, right? I think I’ve reached my emotional capacity.”
Will chuckled.
“No, and just so you know, you’re a lot more like me than Ash.”
“Grandpa Dez told me that once.”
“He wasn’t lying. The amount of trouble I got into for no reason at all . . .” He shook his head.
“Like what?” I asked, curious.
“Let’s see. Joyriding in a cop car while an officer was watching the Super Bowl at my house. Taking a chainsaw to a street sign so that we could put it in the little hut we built in the woods behind Dad’s house.”
“Seriously? He didn’t tell me that.”
I did the street sign thing, but not with a chainsaw. And a cop car? Holy shit.
“Yeah. There was a lot of crazy shit for the hell of it.”
“I can’t picture you not being mature.”
“I’m old, I know.”
“No, that isn’t what I mean, and you’re not that old. You just always seem in control, I think that’s another reason I might have pushed you more than anyone else, trying to get a reaction.” Something that could have showed me that he cared.
I got riled up fast, and I still didn’t understand how some people didn’t, especially when it had to do with something or someone they cared about.
“I wasn’t always. I did try to get on the right track, one that, as you can see, is still flawed considering a son who I’m already so fucking proud of doesn’t even know it.”
“That can’t be me because I don’t know about that.” I pressed my knuckle to my mouth, thinking about Gabby’s pregnancy and how I was already failing her because I’d let my anger get the better of me.
“Gabby’s pregnant.” I chanced a look at him, and when I saw no sign of disappointment in his eyes, I dropped my gaze. “It was my fault, and now, I don’t know what she’s going to do. All I keep thinking is, what if Mom had gotten an abortion when she was pregnant with me?”
My throat constricted, and my eyes watered again. Fuck.
“Still proud?”
“Keep talking, I’m listening.”
“I don’t know, I just—I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I don’t want her to get rid of it. I can’t force her to have it either. She’s this close”—I pinched my index finger and thumb together—“to going to the Olympics. The first time she couldn’t get a spot because she was too young, and now this is happening because I was careless, but it’s my baby, and I don’t know if I could live with knowing that . . .” He or a she was there and then they were gone.
“Have you talked to her?”
“No.” I drew in a breath and exhaled. “I was pissed. She told Averie, and Ash knew before I did. But you know who told me? My ex-girlfriend.” I shook my head. “She should have come to me.”
“That’s why you came here.”
I nodded.
A moment passed before Will said, “I want to give you advice, but knowing how much I’ve failed you, I don’t know if it’s what you’ll want to hear or if it’s the right thing to do.”
“You didn’t fail me. I just—” I bit my lip as I tried to prevent myself from saying the words that would make me feel even more vulnerable, but they came out anyway. “I just felt like you chose Ash over me.”
“I didn’t. And I didn’t choose Alice because she was Ash’s mother. I chose her because I’ve always loved her.”
His eyes glistened.
“I’m sorry. I don’t remember if I ever told you that, but I am sorry you lost her. She was . . . she was a lot like Ash. Had a big heart, always talking to me and encouraging me at football practice.” Something my own mother hadn’t done, but I didn’t have to tell him that. “In a way, I could see why you chose her, but I was still mad. I wanted to be here, living Ash’s life.”
“Ryker, if I’d known that’s what you wanted, we could have made it happen. I thought you were happy. You know how many times I wished you were here? Every fucking day.”
“Thanks, but let’s face it, you would have been working three jobs, trying to support two teenage athletes with the appetites of a village.”
“It would have been worth it if it meant I got to be as close to you as I am with Ash.”
I let that visual sink in for a moment. My life would have been different for sure, but I wasn’t an idiot. I knew he couldn’t be making a lot at the station, and before that, he was coaching the junior players and working with a construction company. After thinking about it, I realized how pathetic it had been for me to be angry when my mom said he couldn’t pay for my football stuff too. She might have told me he couldn’t help to be spiteful, but maybe she was also looking out for him.
“So, back to Gabby. From what Ash mentioned yesterday when he’d told me you were coming here for the weekend, your relationship is new, which means she’s terrified, Ryker. Your mom or Alice didn’t tell me right away, and neither of them were training for the Olympics. This is hard for any woman, and this reaction that you had to finding out isn’t helping her because whether or not you both decide on having this baby, you need to talk, and she needs to know that you’re going to be there for her no matter what. While I’m glad that you came here, running off isn’t helping that. Do you see what I’m trying to say? You can’t imagine what she’s thinking right now. You’re adults now.”
My eyes flooded again. “But I don’t know what I’m going to do. How am I supposed to tell her to have this baby, tell her that everything is going to be okay, when I don’t have anything to give her? I could quit college and football and get a job, I’ll do whatever it takes, but is that going to be enough?”
Will stood and came over to me, placing a hand on my shoulder and squeezing. “Don’t worry about that right now. It isn’t the end of the world, no matter how much it seems like it is. It’s going to be fine. And whatever you need, my door’s always open, don’t be afraid to ask.”
I inhaled and nodded.
Chapter 38
Gabby
I stared at my phone on my bed as it lit up in the dark with another call from Ryker. I wanted to hear his voice more than anything, but I couldn’t give in. Not after he’d left me like that at the party. I thought we were fine, I thought that he would at least talk to me. That he would care. I wanted to yell at him, tell him to never call me again, tell him that I could do this alone. Lie. Tell him that I didn’t need him. Except I did, which was why I was still looking at each and every text he sent me.
Ryker: We need to talk.
A minute later the phone rang, and I ignored it.
Another text.
Ryker: Please, Bunny.
Stupid feelings, go away.
The calls and texts stopped after that, but then I realized there was a voice mail.
“Gabby.” He let out a sigh. “I know it’s up to you whatever you decide to do, and I know it’s my fault that this happened, but I really want to talk to you. After the day you had, the last thing you needed was your boyfriend being a dick. I know you must think that I left because I was mad about you being pregnant. I was mad because you kept it from me. If I had stayed and listened to you, I would have known that you’d just found out. I know you’re angry and hurt, but I’m leaving tomorrow, and I was hoping we could spend some time together and figure this out. I’m trying to be calm, I’m really trying, but it’s taking everything in me not to come banging on your window.” He sighed again, and I smiled, knowing he was right, but also thankful that he was putting some effort into trying to give me space. “Patience is not a virtue in my world, Bunny, you know that. Anyway, it’s pretty late, so if you aren’t already passed out, good night.”
The hurt and frustration receded, and I relaxed because I’d been waiting for him to say that all night. It was too late for us to have the conversation we needed to, but
it wasn’t too late for me not to be selfish, so I decided to ease his mind like he’d done for me.
Me: Agree with you being a dick part. Apology accepted if you can promise not to be one to me again.
Ryker: I promise. I’m sorry. I really am.
Me: K. And I’m sorry it wasn’t me who you heard the news from.
Ryker and I had a quiet breakfast at Darlene’s Bakery and Café the following morning. Since we were within earshot of all the locals who ate there on Sundays, we saved the important talk we needed to have until we were done.
Opening the back door to Brody’s jeep that Ryker had borrowed, I placed the takeout we got for our friends down.
Ryker came up from behind me, reaching over and placing the bag he’d carried out next to the one I’d put down.
I turned to him and he leaned down as if to kiss me, but then he paused as if remembering that we hadn’t officially made up after our fight. Tipping on my toes, I met him halfway, pressing a soft kiss to his mouth. He kissed me back, passionate and possessive. This I had wondered about last night too, but the fire between us was still there, just dampened by this ginormous, life-changing news that we got fewer than twenty-four hours ago.
I climbed into the jeep, and he drove back up to Brody’s place, since that was where he’d spent the night.
He reached across the center console and took my hand in his. “We were best friends once, sort of. You were able to tell me anything back then, even when you got your period.”
“Oh my God, I told you that?”
He glanced at me as he maneuvered the narrow road up the hill. “Yes. I think you’d crossed your arms over your chest, pouting and claiming that boys had it so easy.” He smiled. “Anyway, back then, you could do anything, tell me anything, and I’d still have your back. We might have stopped being friends for a while, but that never changed anything for me. I still got you, Gabby, and I don’t know why you don’t know that.”
