“Fine. It’s all you,” I say throwing my hands up in surrender. Liz helps me pack the last box into my car filling it to the brim and snagging a blanket in the corner of the door when she slams it closed. She has to open it and close it again before walking to her car so she can follow me to my parent’s house. I don't know what I would’ve done without Liz. She’s gone with me to every doctor’s appointment and stood by me while I cried over the loss of Jake.
By the time we make it to Mom and Dad’s house, I have to pee so badly. I swear this baby dances on my bladder. We pull up to their house and I take nothing in, but the single thought racing through my mind; pee.
“Hi, Mom!” I waddle past her as fast as I can. “Love you, but I gotta go,” I say racing to the bathroom.
I finish and Liz is already handing my dad boxes. “Hi Daddy!” I say grabbing a box from him. He leans down to kiss me and asks, “How’s my baby girl doing?”
“I’m okay, Dad,” I stifle a yawn.
“You’re exhausted, why don't you lay down for a bit,” Mom offers throwing her arm around my shoulder.
“There’s so much to do. I’ll help for a bit and then lay down.”
“She’s been like this all day, not wanting to stop for anything,” Liz says tattling on me.
“I can’t help it. I need to feel useful,” I say walking back to the bedroom mom told me I’d be staying in. I open the door and gasp. Tears fill my eyes as I look around the room. A window air conditioner unit hums, blowing cool air into the room. My parents hate forced air. Even in the hot, humid summers they refuse to use air, settling for fans and natural breezes from the Lake. A full-size bed with my favorite quilt, the one my Grandma spent three years making while I was a little girl, is on one side of the room. Next to that is a beautiful white crib with yellow and green giraffes on the bumper. I’m sure if I run my fingers over it, it would be the softest material I’ve ever felt. Across from that next to my bed is a changing table stocked with diapers and neutral clothes. In the corner by the window is a gliding rocking chair with a matching footrest.
“You guys,” I say wiping my eye, “this is amazing. Thank you.”
“Your dad put the crib together and even helped me shop,” Mom says hanging up some clothes in the closet.
“It’s perfect. I love it.” As soon as I say that the baby kicks me hard enough that you can see it’s foot or elbow- I’m not sure which since I can’t keep track of Olympic gymnast-jutting out the side of my stomach. “Dad, feel right here.” I grab Dad's hand and press it against my stomach.
“That’s incredible,” Dad says as the baby does somersaults in my belly.
“I want to feel.” Mom pushes Dad’s hand aside and looks at dad and says, “Our baby’s having a baby.”
“Your baby needs to rest,” Liz says, besides being the best friend in the world Liz has taken to being a tad overprotective.
“Okay, okay. You win. This baby officially just kicked my butt. I think he or she just stuck their foot right into my spine.” I yawn and then with a glance at the soft bed say, “I really do love the room, guys.”
“Rest. We’ll bring everything in and then I’ll wake you before I go,” Liz orders. Liz is taking her dream job in New York City and getting on a flight tomorrow.
I do as I’m ordered and lay down in my new bedroom, with a hand on my belly to calm my tumultuous baby, despite the fact that everyone is moving boxes in and out of my room, I fall asleep.
“Hey honey, it’s time,” Liz’s soothing voice wakes me.
The bed dips next to me as Liz takes a seat. “I wish I didn't have to go yet,” she sighs.
I sit up on the bed and smile at my best friend, who I first thought of as superficial and have learned what a great heart she has. “I’m really going to miss you,” my voice cracks as I try to not choke on the emotion strangling me.
“None of that. I’ll be back when the baby’s born. It’s only a couple hours flight. I’ll be back so often you won't even know I’m gone.”
“Liz, thank you so much for everything. If it wasn’t for you, I don't know how I would’ve gotten through these last few months,” I swipe a tear from under my eye.
“Nonsense, you’re the strongest person I know. You’re brave and strong and you have the best pregnant ass ever. All I did was make you work out at an unhealthy level,” she laughs trying to lighten the mood. Liz has had me at the gym all throughout my pregnancy and I can’t argue with the fact that despite having a bowling ball for a belly, my buns have never looked so good.
I stand up and walk Liz out. My mom and dad hug her and thank her for taking such good care of me and moments later I’m waving goodbye to Liz as her car pulls away.
Over the next several weeks, I settle into a routine with Mom and Dad. They let me sleep in and are understanding of their pregnant over-emotional daughter. I sometimes find myself crying for no other reason than I’m lonely.
Looking out at the lake, I silently let tears fall, oblivious to anything going on around me. Warm hands close around my shoulders. “Oh, June, What’s the matter?” Mom cradles me close.
“It’s nothing, just hormones I guess.” I don't want her to know about the gaping hole in my chest that I’m ignoring.
“I can’t imagine being pregnant without the father. Dad was so sensitive to my every need. He’d rub my back and my feet, and he never got mad when I blew up at him.” I stifle a sob because she’s right it’s so hard. “Oh, honey, no. I didn’t mean to upset you further. You’re going to be just fine, and it’s okay to get a little misty-eyed.”
I hug Mom tight and do my best to reign in my emotions.
“How about we go have some sundaes? Ice cream always makes everything better.”
“You’re right on that one, Mom.” I follow her into the house and wipe my tears. I attempt to grab bowls, but like everything else lately, I can’t seem to do it. Lately it feels like everything is hard to do. I get tired often and the weekly trips to the doctor tell me that the baby is going to be big. My doctor is slightly worried because of my small frame, but she tells me I’m in good hands and that they will be prepared for anything.
On a Tuesday, one week before my due date, I wake with stabbing pains. I call out for my parents and they rush to the bedroom. My parents are frenzied because their house is a good thirty five minutes from the hospital.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” I try to reassure my Dad as he loads my overnight bag into the car. We’re not even out of the driveway when I hear Mom calling Liz.
“Liz is on her way,” Mom tells me like that is what was on my mind.
“Oh, God.” The pain is so fierce I grip the handle on the door. I can't wait for us to get to the hospital.
“I’ll start timing them,” Mom rubs my back trying to calm me.
We make it to the hospital in record time. I’m assuming Dad broke all kinds of laws to get us here so quickly.
They settle me into a room, put a band around my belly to keep track of the baby’s heart beat and monitor my contractions. They are at a steady four minutes apart for far too long. I’m exhausted. I wish I could say that I had some profound thoughts during labor, but really all I’m thinking about is that I hope everything’s alright. I just want my baby to be healthy. I want to do a good job. I’m exhausted and have been in labor for at least twelve hours when Liz makes it here.
“I caught the first flight I could. How are you?”
“How the fuck do you think I am?” I shout as another contraction takes over.
“They wanted to hold off on an epidural until her labor has moved further along,” Mom explains to Liz.
“Screw that! Everything I read said to get it as soon as possible. I don't care what they say, my girl needs an epi stat!” Liz says leaving the room in search of a doctor. It isn’t much longer when the anesthesiologist comes by and has me bend forward so he can stick a needle in my back. The epidural medicine gives me chills that make me shake so hard my head hurts fr
om the constant rattle of my teeth. Labor moves along, but the medicine finally kicks in relieving some of my pain. Liz takes turns with my parents being as supportive as she can.
The doctor checks my cervix and decides after a full twenty-four hours of contractions, it’s finally time to push.
“I got you. You can do this!” Liz holds my hand tightly.
“I can’t. Oh fuck, it hurts!” I scream. I’ve been pushing for so long I have no concept of time. Alarms sound and I panic.
“The baby is in distress. She’s getting stuck. I don't want anything to happen to either of you. We have to do a C-section,” Dr Anderson explains as she starts barking orders for the nursing staff to rush me to an emergency Cesarean Section. My heart plummets and I’m so afraid. My daughter is all I have left. Please, God, don't let anything happen to her.I pray over and over again that my baby will be alright.
An hour later and with much better drugs, Lily Marie Withers is born. She weighs a whopping ten pounds four ounces. My mom and dad both cry when they see her, “She’s perfect,” Mom says rushing into my room with a huge pink balloons.
“She looks just like you did when you were a baby,” Dad coos holding her close. He tickles his beard on her face and she scrunches up her face like it tickles. “She’s dark like you,” he smiles in between soft baby kisses.
I know that can’t be true, though, because everything about her, including her full head of dark hair and her perfectly shaped lips, reminds me of Jake. I can't help but let a few tears leak out of the corners of my eyes. I wish he could share this moment with us. I’m both exhausted and overwhelmed with emotion. Becoming a mom is a moment like no other. One moment you think you have a full life and that your heart understands love. I know that I love Jake, Liz, and my family, but the moment my eyes latched onto the sleepy, half-open eyes of my baby girl, my heart grew. I have so much love now. It’s like there were sleeping parts of my heart that weren’t fully awake until my eyes met hers.
Liz catches on to my tears and kisses my forehead and then whispers into my ear, “She’s perfect, honey.”
Mom, Dad, and Liz fuss over the baby and me. I’m tired the first few days and the three of them take turns helping me with Lily. One of them is right next to me, to grab her from her plastic hospital bassinet and hand her to me when she needs feedings. They help with changings and Liz even goes so far as to convince the nurses to let her help bathe her too.
On the third night in the hospital, I wake to find Liz in the darkened room sitting in the small rocking chair that each room has, patting Lily on her bottom and softly whispers to her, “Your mommy and I have no brothers and sisters, so I’m going to be Aunty Liz, okay? I work in a big city called New York and when you’re older I’ll take you shopping and teach you about boys. Your Mommy and I love you so much, but she has been missing your daddy for a long time, so it’s up to me and you to bring smiles to her, okay? I bet you can handle that, can’t you? Oh yes, you can,” her voice changes as she coos in baby talk. A lump forms in my throat when I think about how long I’ve been holding on to the hurt. It’s not up to Liz or my baby to make me happy. Somehow, I’m going to find a way to move on from Jake. Looking at Liz and my baby, I decide right at this moment that I will not let any of my heartache with Jake taint our beautiful daughter’s life.
I’m in the hospital for five days. The recuperation for the C-section isn’t fun, but I’m really grateful that Liz made me work out so much. I think being in such great shape has helped. None of that really matters though because Lily is the most perfect baby and she makes up for all of the pain.
***
Lily is only a month old and is already wearing three-month clothes. She has the cutest baby fat I’ve ever seen. Her eyes are the same blue-green as her dad’s and I’m sure that they’re going to stay that color. I often find myself thinking of him when Lily is sleeping and I’m alone with my thoughts. It’s the only time I’ll allow my mind to go there. I sometimes get angry at him. He had the opportunity to talk to me. He could’ve filled me in on what was happening and who he was.
After talking with Liz, she helped me see that to let go of Jake completely I need to write one last letter. I take out my stationery and write the last words I will give to Jake Daniels.
Dear Jake,
I’m not sure if you will see this or if you will return it like you have all of the others. I’ve tried to tell you in so many letters that I was pregnant. I wanted to let you know you have a daughter. I named her Lily Marie. She was a huge baby, so big they had to cut her out of me. The scar is healing nicely, though. I don’t even know what to say at this point. It’s not like you’ve been responsive.
I’m so mad at you. We could have figured something out. We could have talked with the prosecutor together. We could have come clean all those years ago. It wasn't our fault. For a long time, I thought it was, but Liz has helped me see that it wasn’t. Your dad was sick and he would’ve killed us both. I don't understand the choices you’ve made.
I’m a mom now and I need to do what’s best. I need to let you go. You obviously don't love me the way I love you, or you would have responded to one letter.
I do want you to know Lily one day. She looks so much like you and when she’s hungry she gets this dazed look. It’s the cutest thing ever. Anyways, here is a picture of her.
I love you and always will. I guess when you said goodbye I should’ve listened to you. I get that it’s done. I need to write this to say it to you, even though I’m sure it will come back to me.
Goodbye Jake
I’ll always love you, June
I fold up the letter and include a recent picture of Lily. A single tear falls on to the page and I know I have to let that be the last tear Jake gets. I have to move forward; for Lily.
A month later, I check the mail, like I do every day and I see the same white envelope marked return to sender and nod my head, accepting the fact that Jake may never know he has a daughter.
Chapter Ten
6 years later
“Lily! Hurry up, or I’m going to be late,” I shout up the stairs while slipping on a flat. I get no response from Lily so I sIip on the other shoe and run up the stairs. Lily is sitting in the middle of her floor, half of her dresser is spilling out and she’s wearing her favorite purple shirt with a huge green monster on it and her underwear. “Lily, why aren’t you dressed? It’s time to go.”
“I can't find any bottoms to wear,” she whines.
“What was wrong with the jean skirt you had on all day with that shirt?”
“It’s not the look I’m going for.” I roll my eyes at my daughter who gets her fashion sense from her Aunt Liz.
“The skirt looked great. I want you to put it back on. We need to leave.”
“But Mom,” I glare at Lily to let her know I don't appreciate her mini diva behavior Liz is only here for business today and has limited time.
“No buts. We’re running late. If we don’t hurry, Aunt Liz will be waiting for us at the restaurant.” I begin shoving her clothes back into her drawers and grab the skirt off the floor that was good enough to wear all day so it’s good enough to wear now. She sticks her hand out for me to hand her the skirt. I hand it to her and then take a minute and regard myself in her mirror. My hair looks good today. I just had it done and its long auburn waves look incredibly shiny. I no longer sport the semi-punk look or pixie cut I did in college. I’m wearing a flower print tunic with black skinny jeans and my favorite pair of flats. Seconds later, she is dressed and I hand Lily her favorite pair of pink high top Chuck Taylors that I fished from under her bed.
We race down the stairs and I grab my purse and keys off the entryway table and hurry into my black SUV. I didn't buy it new, but it’s been a godsend in the winter and it’s mostly reliable. Lily secures herself into her booster seat and we make the twenty-minute drive to one of the only restaurants in downtown that was smart enough to secure a place right on the Lake.
“Aunty L
iz!” Lily shouts as she makes a sprint for Liz who is already seated by the window. Her phone is in hand as she looks up and smiles huge. Liz has only gotten more beautiful with time. Her blonde hair is pinned in a tight bun and she’s wearing a navy blue suit dress with matching pumps.
“Lily!” She exclaims opening her arms wide for a hug. “I missed you so much, let me look at you,” she says pulling away and giving a once over on Lily’s outfit. “I love the purple monster shirt.”
“I missed you soooo much more. Mommy says you have a meeting and it has to be a quick lunch today.”
“I do, but I had to make sure I made time for my favorite girl.”
I give Liz a huge grin and take a seat across from her. The waitress comes over and takes our order as Lily fills Liz in on all the kids in her class; who she sits with at lunch and which boys she likes to chase on the playground.
“Only six and she’s already chasing boys,” Liz laughs watching the iPad consume Lily’s attention.
I roll my eyes. “So, how is everything? Are you dating?” I ask taking a sip of my iced tea. Liz is habitually single. She’s only changed her habits because of her busy schedule. I wish she’d find someone, but every time I try to really talk to her about it she shuts me down.
“Ah, you know a little of this, a little of that,” she sighs. “What about you? How did that date go with Alister last weekend?”
Alister is an investment banker that Liz set me up with. Last night was our third date, if you count the second date as the time we met up for coffee on our lunch breaks.
“It was,” I pause and think about what I want to say next, “nice?”
“That man is hot is what he is,” she sighs, “So what’s wrong with this one?”
“Nothing. I promised I’d give him a chance, but I just don’t feel that spark.”
“June, you can’t keep,” she pauses to make sure Lily is completely engrossed in her game and paying zero attention to us, “comparing everyone to your first love.”
I blanch, “That’s not what I’m doing. He’s hot alright, it’s just he has these habits. Like when he orders, he orders for himself and then is all like oh, did you want something? He’s hot, but it’s like he knows it and so he expects everything to be easy for him. I want a man who will work for it.”
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