I really should just break up with him. I had been cheating on him with Kurt for six months, so it wasn't like I treasured our relationship.
But, I still think I liked Ian. He was cute and easy to talk to. I long ago realized I liked the idea of saying I had a boyfriend so I wouldn't feel like a complete loser more than I liked the actual relationship I had with Ian. This was why I just didn't want to let him go. My relationship with Ian was similar to my relationship with Kurt in that there was no easy solution to it. So I always came back to the same conclusion, which was to let things stay the way they were for now. There would be no breaking up in the immediate future.
I sighed and sipped my beer.
Amy suddenly appeared in front of me, snapping me out of my pity party.
"What do you think?" She twirled around in her "new" black leather skirt. Looking at her, I got the sinking feeling I will never look as good in my skirt as she does in hers.
"You look great!" I swallowed some jealousy. Amy was very thin and pretty with long blond hair and an air of innocence that just can't be faked, no matter what. I could usually get around these truths by focusing on her being my friend, but sometimes I could not help but feel way out of my league around her.
"Do you think so?" She sat down on the edge of a chair near the door.
"Yes. Are you going out with Rick?"
"Yea. I think tonight is going to be the night."
"What?" What does that mean?
"I think tonight is the night that we "go all the way." Amy used her fingers like quote marks around her incredible words.
I could hardly believe my ears. She hadn't had sex with the guy yet? How long had they been dating?
"We haven't actually had sex." Amy looked at what must be my disbelieving face and must have felt compelled to explain. "See, Rick is afraid of AIDS so I have been only giving him oral sex."
I struggled to keep my jaw closed. Oh. My. God. What an asshole Rick is! I find my voice. It was shaky.
"So, tonight's the night?"
"Yeah. We are going to use two condoms. Hopefully he doesn't chicken out."
"Yeah." I was literally struck dumb, but I had to know. "Does he wear a condom when you give him, uh, oral sex?"
"No, he says it cuts down on the sensation." Amy got up and began to fiddle with her hair in the mirror by the door.
I was momentarily blinded with rage. If he was so scared of AIDS, why had he been coming into her mouth without using any protection? What an asshole! Poor Amy. I didn't know how to tell her how wrong it all was. I decided I had to find out more, knowing full well I would be sorry I asked.
"Have you ever had sex before?"
Amy turned to me, her laugh wasn't very convincing. "Yeah, once in high school, once in college. You know me, I'm not a big dater."
That's true. Since I have lived with her she had been on like, two dates before Rick came along.
"How long have you and Rick been going out?"
"Four months now."
"Oh." I nodded my head. I can't believe this guy! He had been getting blowjobs for four months without any reciprocation whatsoever. "Are you nervous?"
"Yeah, a little." She paused. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Do you have any condoms I can borrow?"
"Sure!" Anything to help out a friend. I was so willing to help out I practically jumped to my feet. I went to my room and return with a long strip of rubbers. "You can have all of these. No need to return what you don't use," I handed them to her.
Amy blushed. "Thanks. I feel really stupid."
"Why?"
"Because. I am 26 years old and have had sex twice in my life."
"Listen Amy. Sex is often overrated. There is nothing special about being easy." I should know. "Do you really like him?"
"Yes."
That was hard for me to believe. I wanted to strangle the asshole.
"Then it's good that you waited. I think it's cool." Better to lie than to tell her what I really thought.
"I hope I remember how to do it," she said with a laugh. I laughed along with her. I hoped she didn't want me to give her pointers. There was an awkward silence as I returned to the couch and my beer. I didn't think I had ever waited four weeks to have sex with a guy much less four months! Usually, it was two dates, tops. As I wondered what happened to the morals my parents raised me with, the doorbell rang. Amy was still in front of the mirror by the door, messing with her hair.
"Could you get it? I don't want to appear too eager." Without waiting for an answer, she ran down the hall to her room. With no other choice, I got up and opened the door.
Chapter 4
Ian was standing there. I was literally struck dumb by the sight of him and stand in the doorway with my mouth open.
"Hi! Can I come in?" Ian was looking at me strangely. My mouth must be hanging open.
"Sure.” I found my voice and moved aside. “I thought you were Rick. Amy is waiting for him."
"No, it's me." Ian walked into the apartment. Before I can close the door, Rick appeared as if from thin air as Amy walked down the hall from her bedroom.
"Who is it?" she said, knowing full well who it was. I think she liked to make dramatic entrances.
When she saw Ian, Amy stopped and smiled and flipped her hair with her hand for effect. To me, it looked like Rick's presence was almost an afterthought to her.
"Hi Ian!” Pause. “Oh Hi Rick!" I swore she had the hots for Ian. She stopped with her hand on her hip, smiling at Ian. She was all blond hair and innocent intent. I tried not to hate her at that moment.
“Hi Amy. How are you?” Ian said to her. His smile was wide as his gaze traveled up and around her body. Amy and I are the only ones who noticed his hungry staring and I am immediately annoyed. Doofus Rick clamped a hand on Ian’s shoulder in greeting and the three of them stood in an isosceles triangle formation in the open space between the living room and dining room, with me on the outside of the farthest point, away from any eye contact and conversation.
They talked like old friends while I stood aside. Rick's laugh made me twitch. Knowing his secret had cast him in a new light. I had always thought he was smarmy and I never liked him without having a concrete reason, but now I have one. Amy was very Ivy League and he was very truck stop. What he was doing to her made my stomach churn. Amy finally walked toward the door and to me.
"Thanks a lot, Mia. We'll see you guys later," she said, tossing a smile at Ian over her shoulder.
We all said goodbye and I moved out of their way, letting Rick and Amy leave the apartment.
I turned to Ian and half-smiled at him as I tried to remember why I wanted to see him. It was always anti-climatic with him; the wishing he were there was better than him actually being there.
"I called you and you weren't home. How did you know I was looking for you?" I was mystified by his sudden appearance.
"I didn't know you called. I have been so busy. I thought I would stop by." He was standing in the living room with his coat on, hands in his pockets. He was really cute, I thought as I looked at him. I had always been a sucker for blue-eyed blonds. Too bad things were the way they were between us.
"Oh. Would you like a beer?" I walked toward the kitchen, softening up a bit toward him and determined to make the most out of the situation.
Ian hesitated, making me think he was hoping to not find me home at all.
"Sure." He slowly, almost reluctantly, removed his coat.
When I returned from the kitchen, Ian was sitting on the couch. I handed him his beer and sat down next to him, facing him a bit.
"This couch sucks," he said, twisting in his seat, looking uncomfortable.
"Yeah, I know." I sighed. We had so much to talk about.
"So, how was your week?" Ian smiled at me.
"Fine. How about yours?" I smiled back and searched his eyes. I really did like him once and I checked to see if that feeling was still there when I looked at him. I couldn't quit
e make it out anymore.
"Great."
Ian's one-word answers had always irritated me and we seemed to sit in silence a lot.
I hoped my sigh isn't audible and turned my attention away from him, toward the TV, the only sound in the room.
"I'm sorry, I had a couple of beers on an empty stomach," I said when I couldn’t stand the silence anymore, sneaking a glance at him.
"Do you want to get something to eat?" He asked suddenly. This is surprising.
"Yeah, that would be good," I am hungry all at once, especially if he was buying.
"Where do you want to go?" Ian said, standing up.
"Charlie's." I learned early on in our relationship that I had to make all decisions quickly and decisively or we would never get out of the house.
"Do you want me to drive?"
"Yes, you better." I definitely didn't want to play chauffeur despite my expertise at drunk driving. I drove better drunk than most Toledoans drove sober.
I slipped on my coat and shoes, leaving the TV and the lights on as we exited the apartment.
We walked outside, but I didn't see Ian's Honda.
"Where's your car?"
"Oh, it's in the shop. I'm borrowing a friend's." Ian said, walking to a black, high-end Jeep Cherokee with Michigan plates parked on the street. Where do these frat boys get their money? Must be a mommy and daddy special.
We headed to the nearest Charlie's without speaking and I spent the drive fiddling with the CD player, which was filled with country and western albums. I could never figure out these fraternity guys. You’d think they all liked hard-core rap and then you’d find out it was country and western love songs they loved. They never lived up to the stereotype of wannabe urban hip-hop boys despite the backward baseball caps and liberal use of the word, “Yo.” Modern culture was so confusing.
Charlie's wasn't crowded and we sit by the window, quietly looking at the menu. The dead air is beginning to suffocate and I am starting to get angry about it. I haven't seen him in a week and we have absolutely nothing to say to each other.
The bright lights in the restaurant hurt my eyes and I squinted. From the way Ian was looking at me, I regretted not fixing my face before I ran out the door with him.
Despite what I think is my horrible appearance, he smiled at me. "Mia, you look good. Did you lose weight?"
Heh. With that, air returns to the space between us.
"Yea, I have been working out three times a week." I smiled back, but I'm tense and sad because we have the same problems we always had. They hadn't magically disappeared with the passage of time. "So, how is school? We never see each other anymore."
"Oh, it's great! I have been accepted into Northwestern's MBA program."
"That's fantastic! Are you excited?" I was happy for him. He had wanted this for as long as I knew him.
"I love Chicago. It's going to be a lot of fun," he said. He reached across the table and took my hand in his. We looked into each other's eyes. We seemed to do that a lot. Too bad it didn't mean anything anymore. I was searching for some spark, but who knew what Ian was looking for?
The waitress interrupted us to take our order and Ian dropped my hands as if they were radioactive. We quickly lapsed back into our silence. I looked out the window at the cars passing by, wondering what Kurt was doing.
"Have you ever thought about living in a big city like Chicago?" Ian cleared his throat. He sounded like a frog, and it startled me.
"Not really."
"There are more opportunities in bigger cities than there are here."
"Yes, you are probably right."
"You should think about moving somewhere else."
"I haven't really thought about it all that much." I sipped my soda.
"I didn't know you liked Toledo so much." He was just mocking me now.
"I don't.” I am put off by his tone. I always hated his condescension.
"I am just saying, have you tried to find another job? The Organic Garden is hardly the place for a college graduate, especially one with a degree in art history. Have you considered teaching?"
"I like working at the Organic Garden. I haven't really looked for a job in my field beyond applying to the Toledo Museum of Art. I haven't decided what my next move is going to be." What I do know is that I can’t and won’t leave Kurt right now, so all decisions about the future come from this seeming truth. Besides, I didn't need career advice from this guy.
"I am just concerned about you." His eyes were full of pity.
I opened and closed my mouth. I didn't want to fight with him. It had already been an exhausting evening. "Thanks, but I'm OK.”
"I know that we don't see each other very often. I am very busy with school and all the extra stuff I do. And you work all the time at odd hours," he said. His tone sounded like an accusation to me, but I am not sure what he was driving at.
"We are both really busy." I was not going to take the bait and get into an argument with him.
“Yes, we are.” He sounded like he wanted to break up with me and was looking for a reason. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.
The waitress, who appeared with our food, interrupted us. Finally, a break from this conversation. I don't know which was worse, the speaking or the silence. The lull gave me time to think.
"Uh.” It was my turn to sound like a frog. I sipped some water. "Do you want to break up?" Why was I leaving it up to him? What a coward I was. I didn't love him like I used to, I just didn't want to be without the means to avoid being alone.
What I think was relief crossed his face and then he ruined it by speaking. "No. Do you want to break up?"
Oh, what the hell do I say? I did want to break up with him. We didn't have a good relationship, but what was I going to do, sit around alone and wait for Kurt? At least I had a boyfriend, although it sucked. I was unable to let go of this relationship for whatever reason, so I was unable to end it. God, it sucked.
"No. But aren't you moving away?"
"I'm not leaving tomorrow. I want to make this work Mia. We should spend more time together," Ian said. "Let's go out tomorrow night."
Tomorrow? I was supposed to go over Kurt's house. I can’t go out with Ian. How can I tell Ian that I already have a date? I can't lie gracefully on such short notice. I have no choice unless I want to break up with him.
"Okay. Not to a fraternity party." I put my foot down and I felt awful. Kurt was not going to be happy. But what could I do?
"No, just you and me. We'll go have a nice dinner, then maybe a movie. Decide where you want to eat and what movie you want to see."
"Okay." I smiled at him.
It was a breakthrough and for the rest of the meal, Ian filled me in on the comings and goings of his hapless brothers, a collection of rabble if there ever was one.
We drove home and as he followed me upstairs to my apartment, I realized that he might want to spend the night. I was suddenly filled with self-conscious dread.
As we sat on the couch and watched TV, I battled my emotions. Along with my uneasiness about possibly sleeping with Ian, I also felt guilty, a new emotion for me. I felt like I was cheating on Kurt, who had a girlfriend, with my boyfriend. Was it cheating to cheat on your lover with your boyfriend? The ridiculousness of the situation made me want to cry out. In an instant, the absurdity of my personal relationships came into crystal clear focus and it made me dizzy. I wanted to get out of my skin. I stood up.
"Would you like a drink?"
“Uh, sure.”
I went to the kitchen and splashed cold water on my face and returned with two beers.
“Here you go.” Ian had a weird look on his face. “Is there something wrong?”
"I think you might have a drinking problem."
I laughed. Yeah, I probably did. "I'm drinking because I don't have to go to work tomorrow. This is like my Friday night."
"Oh." Ian put his arm around me when I sat down and it was awkward, at least for me.
"It'
s been a long time since we've been together," he said, his voice a whisper in my ear. Why did he have to ruin it by talking so weirdly? Honestly, he was a little too intense for me sometimes.
"Yea." I avoided looking at him to escape the mooneyes I knew he was making at me. It didn't work. He moved my chin with his hand to look into my eyes. I stifled a laugh. He looked like he was ready to break into song. And then he kissed me. Nothing. I didn't feel one bit of spark, just dread that I was treading to a place where self-respect avoided.
I didn't stop him. While he kissed and groped me, I thought of other things, like, I wondered if Amy was having sex. I wondered if Kurt and Hannah were having sex, and why was I having sex with this guy? What kind of relationship was this? One time, long ago I had feelings for him; I didn't anymore. Maybe he still loved me! I tried hard to make myself feel guilty for cheating on him but I couldn't, I just felt kind of meh. I felt worse about what I was doing to Kurt. And when Ian wanted to spend the night, my odd feeling of indifference was overwhelming.
I woke up with a sex hangover. I shouldn't have slept with him. It was too weird.
Ian looked just as regretful.
I made coffee and we made small talk, and then he got ready to go. He had an early class and before he left we cemented our plans for the evening. He would be over at 6 p.m. and I was to pick out a movie and a place to eat.
After he left it occurred to me that I hadn't heard Amy moving around. I went to her room to peep through the keyhole but I didn't see anyone. She stayed out with Rick the whole night! Good for her! I hoped she got lucky.
It was way too early for me to up on a day off, so I went back to bed.
When I woke up, it was the afternoon. I was groggy but I felt good. I didn't hear anyone in the apartment, and then I realized that it was Friday and Amy worked on weekdays. I wondered how her evening went. I suddenly remembered with a start what I did with Ian last night. I went for the phone and dial the Garden.
Tomorrow's June Page 2
