Well, if you mean is my dick fully functional and in good working order, yeah. Everything’s great. It wants to fuck the shit out of anything and everything and I need some fresh air.
He’d wanted to say that but, instead, made some benign comment about having a lot on his mind.
Uh, yeah...a lot on the mind in his fucking cock.
But now, outside, in the cool, clear evening air, he was already starting to feel better. He began walking toward his car, parked at the back of the lot, and each step he took felt more and more like freedom.
Hell, it felt like success.
But as he got closer to the car, he could make out in the dim light from the street lamps a figure leaning against the driver side door. That figure was petite with gorgeous tits and, he confirmed as he got closer, long blonde hair, red lips, knees peeking out of her boots. When he was almost within touching distance, she purred, “The name’s Zane, right?”
He felt his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed. This was dangerous territory, but he was already in the thick of it, exposed, bare...trapped. The worst part of all this was that this girl knew his weakness. How could she not? He might have been her weakness as well, and Zane was beginning to understand why a lot of these groups were divided by gender. Too late to pick the all-male one now.
Jesus...this woman was his type from head to toe. “Yeah. Your name’s Christina?” He could only hope that, for some reason, she exuded a hot-to-trot vibe but underneath was actually sweet and innocent. That was all he could pray for at this point, because he felt weak and needed to rely on the kindness of strangers—or, rather, acquaintances met in support group.
“Yep,” she said, moving toward him slowly. Why the hell did he feel like she was a black widow? He was fucking frozen, unable to move, like a pathetic rag doll, and she touched his neck at the collar where the skin—and the edge of a tattoo—peeked out. All he could do was to pull breath in and out of his lungs.
His jeans felt tighter.
He tried to talk but couldn’t, but that was okay, because she was taking over. Jesus Christ, it was like alcohol and pills had done all the talking for him in the past and he actually had no clue how to act around a woman—good, bad, or ugly. “I know a lot of girls have a strange obsession with singers, but I personally think bass players are pretty hot.” She said the word hot as if it burned her tongue and she had to get it out or risk pain...and, meanwhile, his cock strained against the zipper holding the two sides of denim closed.
And she knew it. She ran that finger down the front of his shirt, scraping the nail of her index finger against the fabric, causing a crazy sensation to vibrate through his body. When she reached the waistband of his jeans, she paused and then cupped the bulge below that threatened to break free. “Ah...very nice. Your car or mine?” He felt like he was going to come in her hand right then and there. It felt like a shadow covered his face as he closed his eyes, ready to give in.
But in the darkness of his mind, he could see Jennifer and Zoe looking at him, pleading with him to not give in. Jennifer’s face overrode Christina’s in his mind, and that was the way it should be. All women who looked like Jennifer were a poor substitute for her anyway.
As Christina stood on her tiptoes to bring her lips up to his neck, he realized he was still rock hard in her hand, but he wrapped his fingers around her wrist and gently removed her hand off him. “Christina, you seem to be a nice girl, but we’re only feeding each other’s addiction. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. I have to walk away or I’ll always be a slave.”
She blinked and pouted and said, “But...you’re ready. Aren’t you gonna get blue balls?”
Goddammit. He couldn’t stand it anymore...the way she blinked her eyes knowingly, the way she bit her bottom lip, the way the fingertips of her other hand found him once more and began caressing him through the fabric. He could feel the blood throbbing through his veins, and he finally put his hand on the nape of her neck and pulled her close, kissing her with furious desire. His other hand fumbled up the front of her shirt to cup her breast. He heard her whisper, “Yeah,” as she began unzipping his jeans to get even closer.
But then he felt one last plea run through his mind to fight. Fight, goddammit! Surrendering would undermine his progress.
Worse yet, Jennifer would probably never forgive him, never understand. They would be through forever.
He broke off the kiss and tried to laugh, but he knew it sounded desperate. He needed to get his mental shit together and get the fuck out of there. “Blue balls are temporary. Heartache lasts a lot longer.” He turned so he could open the driver’s door to his car. “Now if you’ll please excuse me.” He sucked in a deep breath through clenched teeth and tensed up his entire body as if willing it to behave.
“That doesn’t even make sense, Zane.”
“It doesn’t need to make sense to you.” In spite of the danger in doing so, he turned his head to look at her. “Best of luck, Christina. You might want to tell your therapist about this.”
He saw her eyes flash—anger? Disappointment?—but she backed away from his car. By the time he’d put the transmission in reverse, he saw her walking back toward the front door, possibly looking for another victim more willing than he.
He’d dodged a bullet and felt stronger for it...felt relief as he pulled onto the street, even though his dick still hadn’t chilled out. But he had to tell Jen this and pray she would understand. If she didn’t, he wasn’t sure what he’d do.
* * *
“There’s something I gotta tell you, babe,” Zane started, taking Zoe into his arms and kissing the child on the cheek.
It was so good to see Zane, but something was wrong. Jennifer could sense that, could see it in his blue eyes. So when he pulled her close and kissed her as well, still holding Zoe, she said, “Okay. No better time than the present.”
They moved to the couch and sat while he began talking. “You know I had support group tonight.”
“Yes.”
“I, uh...I was hit with a heavy temptation tonight. Heavy.”
She felt her heart sink. Oh, God, no. This was how it always started—some girl he just couldn’t resist. Her heart grew heavy, feeling as though it were being squeezed in a vice. “What do you mean, Zane?” Her brain was already imagining all the times in the past, all the things he’d admitted to her, all the girls she’d seen, all the times she’d caught him. Would this time be worse? Would she be able to handle it better?
And how the hell would she tell him it was over? Because she couldn’t do it anymore. Just couldn’t. Not only did she need to do a better job of protecting her heart, she had their daughter to think about now. Zoe slid off his knee and started playing with her blocks by the little box of toys in the living room.
“I guess the problem is that, if you put animals together in a cage, they’re gonna act like the fucking animals they are, and...” She could tell this was hard for him. She watched him run his hands through his hair as he kept his eyes down. It didn’t matter how difficult it was for him to say, though, because the way it would hit her emotionally would likely be worse than anything he’d felt. So she refused to feel sorry for him. It didn’t matter if it was a mental problem—she couldn’t allow herself to be hurt anymore. “Anyway, long story short...there was this girl. And she hit on me in the parking lot. I almost—almost—gave in. But I didn’t. Still—I considered it and I think I even kissed her before I got my shit together.”
Had Jennifer heard him right? Had she understood it? “Wait a second.” She touched his hand that was gripping his knee as if it was his anchor. When he made eye contact with her, she said, “You didn’t have sex with her?”
“No. But I thought about it, Jen. I fucking thought about it hard.”
“But you won.”
“I—”
“You won, Zane. Yeah, it hurts knowing you thought about it, but I don’t think you’ve ever resisted the impulse before.” She stroked his cheek and Zoe toddled
back over, holding out two blocks attached to each other that Jennifer was pretty sure the child couldn’t pry apart. “This is huge.” She took the blocks from her child and separated them before handing them back. “Daddy won today, baby. He won!”
Zane blinked and she saw a sparkle in his eye before the corner of his lip turned upward. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
He swallowed and Jennifer noticed his eyes growing watery. “I did it for you. And her,” he said, grinning at his daughter. “You’re my family and I can’t risk losing you, Jen. You’re my fucking lifeline and I can’t jeopardize the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know that.”
She nodded and grabbed his hand. “This is huge, Zane. Huge. It’s got to get easier, right?”
“God, I hope so.” She saw the relief in his eyes as he added, “But I’m going to have to change to the men’s only group. I’m not tempted by guys.”
Jennifer laughed. “Thank goodness. I don’t think I’d have a chance against them.”
Zane chuckled as he squeezed her hand back. “Dr. Harvey suggested couples therapy a while back. He said it might help us both work through things together.”
“Yeah, you’d mentioned it before.”
“It might be the best thing for us. I’d still have my own therapy too, but Dr. Harvey said it could help you work through a lot of your anger issues.”
“Who says I’m angry?”
“I didn’t say that. I just...I know I’d be pretty damn pissed at me for all I’ve put you through.”
She was afraid to talk about tomorrow, but she felt hope. “That’s maybe behind us now, though, yeah?”
Zoe began toddling back to them, the same blocks in her hand that she’d shoved back together, only to not be able to separate them again. But Zane didn’t take them from her; he instead picked up the child and placed her on his knee while kissing Jennifer on the forehead. “Yeah, I hope so. I know I still have a way to go, but life doesn’t mean shit to me without you two.” The way his eyes bored into hers left her feeling breathless, something she hadn’t felt for this man in a long time, and it filled her with such lightness that she nearly cried. “Marry me, Jen. Not now, not tomorrow, but promise me that you’ll be the girl for me forever. You’ve been with me so long and for so far, and it’ll take me the rest of my life to make it up to you...but I want to. I need to.” Jennifer still couldn’t catch her breath and that she could hardly believe her ears didn’t help. “Say yes.”
She was filled with so many emotions, but the heaviest was the one that consumed her—the never ending love she’d felt for this man, the passion, the fire, the devotion, even when he hadn’t deserved it. That he’d tried for her and succeeded...that told her all she needed to know. She took Zoe’s tiny hand in her fingers and said, “We both say yes, Zane.”
“I love you, Jen.” That was nothing new, but the manifestation of his love was, and that was what had sold her.
“I—we—love you too, Zane.” She let the tear fall down her cheek as he consumed her in a kiss, promising that he’d try for her forever—and that was all she’d ever asked.
Epilogue
VALERIE AND BRAD had a beautiful house, a big house, one that could fit everyone all together. Zane wasn’t exactly sure when or how it had happened, but Val and Ethan now got along well enough that they could do big get togethers with their new families without animosity or even any weirdness.
It felt like one big huge family...and like they all belonged together.
Zane and the guys and most of the kids had been hanging out in the living room, enjoying warm apple cider. They were almost done mixing the new album and would be going out on tour that spring. For now, though, they were celebrating Thanksgiving the Fully Automatic way. It was really the day before, Wednesday, because Val and Brad had to spend the actual day with her parents, Ethan and Jenna with his mom, and Nick with his family from their old hometown. Zane and Jen had made plans to have their own little Thanksgiving, just the three of them and then, at the last second, had invited Jen’s mother, and he’d paid an expensive damn catering company to take care of it for them.
For now, though, they were with the only family he’d known for a long time.
The women were in the kitchen helping Val with the final details, making Zane feel bad, like the whole group was falling prey to old gender roles; in all fairness, though, Val had shooed the men out of the kitchen and, as they left, he could hear Nick’s girlfriend Gracie asking Val about her pregnancy. It was hard not to, considering Val’s belly was slightly swollen, making the t-shirt she wore tight around her middle.
It was good being with his brothers, though, surrounded by kids and laughter. Chris, Hayley, Scarlet, and Zoe were already forming friendships that Zane hoped would last a lifetime. Chris, the oldest, had the three girls sitting beside the coffee table, and he was telling them about the new brother he and Hayley were looking forward to greeting. Nick, meanwhile, said, “Gracie’s trying to understand my obsession with horror movies, right? And she’s managed to make it through a few of them...shit like The Evil Dead, most of my collections of Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street. But, for some reason, we were watching Scream last night, and we only made it halfway through when she was begging me to shut it off.”
Years ago, Zane knew Nick would have been raunchier than hell, possibly suggesting Gracie had been begging for his cock. So he couldn’t help but laugh when he asked, “Why?”
“She said Ghostface was gonna give her nightmares for weeks.”
Brad said, “You have to admit that face is pretty scary. I don’t think I’d even let Hayley see a picture of it.” Hayley heard her name and looked up from the little circle of kids, beaming at her daddy. He grinned at her, the apple of his eye.
And that made Zane think of his. He regretted missing the first year of her life, but he wasn’t going to hold that against Jen. He understood why she’d made that choice and, much as it hurt, he couldn’t mourn it. He honestly wondered if, in his haze, he would have remembered much anyway. He had the little girl in his life now and he was a clean and sober dad, and he knew the child hadn’t been scarred from his absence. It was something Zoe would likely never know.
She was still busy looking at Chris and listening to him when he heard Nick say, “Yeah, but I was right there, man. She coulda grabbed me and cuddled me all she wanted. It’s a good damn movie. I told her to power through it.”
“Jenna doesn’t like horror movies either, and she hasn’t watched a single one since she was in her last trimester. I can’t remember what the hell movie it was, but I wanted to go to the movie theater to watch it and she begged me to wait till it was on DVD. It’ll make me go into early labor, she said.” All the guys laughed at Ethan’s story and the man shrugged. “What do I know? It could have.”
As if on cue, Jenna popped her head in. “Time to wash up, guys. And, uh, if you could get the kids cleaned up too, that’d be great.” She looked at Ethan. “You telling stories about me, mister?”
He stood and kissed her on the cheek. “Nope. All true stuff.”
She smacked him on the butt and then looked at Nick. “You’re the childless guy, so you get to set the table. After you wash your filthy drummer fingers, report for duty to the kitchen.”
Nick stood up straight, his fingers pointing down and his arms at his side until he brought the right hand up to his forehead and saluted. “Yes, sir! I mean ma’am!”
“Glad that’s settled.” Ethan kissed her again and then she scooted off to the kitchen.
Brad said, “We’ve got bathrooms all over the place, but the one just down the hall is the closest. Do we want to take turns?”
Nick said, “No, man. Let’s all race and duke it out. Make it exciting!”
Ethan looked at Nick and said, “Maybe once the kids have cleared up, I’ll whip your ass.”
“You’re on, dude.”
Brad gave Zane a look. He grinned back a
nd they all began making their way toward the bathroom. The men stood just outside while the kids worked their way around the room, cleaning up. Chris was trying to teach Scarlet and Zoe how to wash their hands using the stool at the sink, but Zane predicted disaster. He and Ethan wound up washing their little girls’ hands while Chris and Hayley took care of their own, and before he knew it, they were all in the bright, cheery dining room. The windows in the room were huge, overlooking Val and Brad’s back yard, normally green but receiving its first dusting of snow. The big flakes were coming down fast, and Zane wondered when they’d have their first big snow so he could take Zoe out in it and build her a snowman.
Ethan walked around the room, filling up the cider, and when Brad asked them all to raise their glasses for a toast, Zane understood why there was a huge emphasis on cider. This damn band had gone through so fucking much together—not just emotional times but addictions as well—that they were staying away from the wine. In Zane’s case, he knew it wasn’t a bad idea.
Brad looked around the room—first to his wife and the kids—eventually making eye contact with each one of them. “Can you believe we started this shit in high school? More than ten years ago? Before I knew it, I had an awesome band with three of the finest men I could ever hope to work with, talented, intuitive musicians who understood my vision and came along for the ride. We had a little garage band called Bullet that made a hell of a lot of noise. And then Ethan met this girl named Valerie, and she decided to shake stuff up. Bullet’s a crappy name for a band, she said.” Val dropped her jaw, her eyes lit up, and she started laughing. The guys soon followed. “Your words are generic, she said. You guys suck! Okay, so she didn’t say that, but you know what? I don’t think—hell, no. I know Fully Automatic wouldn’t be here today if not for Val’s artistic vision and contribution. And Fully Automatic led to other amazing projects—Val Hella and Sinful Disobedience—and we’ve got many years more. I’m not even thirty yet, and I’m living my dream.
Locked and Loaded (Bullet, #6) Page 19
