by Toshia Slade
“I do, and the rest I’ll figure out along the way.”
“Tiffany, I love you like a sister, but if you’re not going to be with Josh, don’t sleep with him anymore. He’s hurting enough as it is, okay?”
I nod. I can’t take being with him again either. Last night after coming home, I cried myself to sleep knowing that was the last time I would ever be in his arms. I started to go back a hundred different times, but my brain would always kick in and remind me why I was staying away.
He may love me now, but nothing is written in stone when it comes to the heart. I saw how easily my dad fell out of love with my mom. I refuse to put my heart out there only to see it thrown away.
Twenty
*Tiffany*
It’s been three weeks since Josh found out I was pregnant, and he’s been calling and texting nonstop, wanting to meet and talk. I keep putting him off with the excuse of school and work, but he’s starting to get mad, and I know it’s not fair to keep him in the dark.
My friendship with Gabby has taken a hit, too. Since all of this came out, there’s been a strain on our relationship. I hope she never has to know firsthand how it feels, but I also hope that one day she will understand so I can have my best friend back. This is hard enough as it is, and I really need her in my corner, but I realize she’s also in a tough spot because Josh is her brother.
Last night, I finally gave in and agreed to meet Josh, but only if it was in a mutually agreed upon place, somewhere public where he couldn’t tempt me and my raging hormones. It helps that when I got dressed this morning, none of my jeans would fit. It’s as if I went to bed with a flat stomach and woke up with a small bump. It’s nothing drastic, and you can’t really tell it’s there unless you’re looking for it, but it was enough to force me out of my jeans and into a pair of leggings. I’ll be adding shopping to my to-do list today.
The drive to the diner seems as though it takes only minutes, and I want to turn around and do it all over again to kill time. Maybe if I’m late, he’ll give up and leave. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking of how we can make this work, and I’m scared of how Josh is going to react.
I take my time finding a parking spot, circling around the building a few times, giving myself a pep talk. You can do this. Just tell him what you’ve come up with, and see what he says. It’s a fair enough agreement, so surely he won’t have a problem.
Before someone thinks I’m a robber trying to case the place, I pull into a spot and kill the engine.
“Okay, Tiffany. This is no big deal. He’s the father of your baby, your best friend’s brother, and you have to get used to seeing him again. Like it or not, you can’t avoid him for at least the next nineteen years. Go in there, tell him your plan, and answer all his questions. You’ve got this,” I say to myself in the mirror.
Taking a deep breath and squeezing my hands together so they’ll stop shaking, I gather my phone and purse and climb out of my car.
Walking into the packed diner, I scan the tables and spot Josh in the back corner, sitting at a booth. I throw my head and shoulders back, and I hide any and all nervousness. I have to hold myself together and show him this is what I want. If I show any signs of weakness, he’s going to pounce like a lion on a zebra.
He hasn’t spotted me yet, and I take a minute to observe him. I can tell this is really starting to wear on him. It shows in the circles under his eyes, the way his lips are pulled down, and the day’s stubble covering his jaw. Josh is always clean-shaven, and even though he’s a serious person, there’s almost always a smile on his face. Part of me feels guilty and wants to make him feel better, but over time, we’ll both heal, and it’ll be better for all three of us.
Here goes nothing. Stick with your plan, Tiffany.
*Josh*
Finally, she agreed to meet me, and she’s late. I check my phone for the tenth time since getting here. If she bails on me, I will hunt her down. One way or another, we’re talking today. It’s been three weeks, and I need answers.
I glance at the door again, and everything stops. She’s walking toward me. Even though her hair’s in disarray on top of her head and she’s wearing a sweater so baggy it falls off one shoulder and hits her mid-thigh, she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. She looks a lot better since the last time I saw her, too. No signs of crying, and she seems to have put on a little weight already.
My insides twist as a dull ache hits deep in my heart. I won’t get to watch her body change and grow along with our child.
“Sorry I’m late.” Tiffany slides into the booth.
“You showed, and that’s all that matters. I went ahead and ordered you a water.” I point to the glass the waitress dropped off a few minutes ago. “I didn’t know what you could have, so I figured water was a safe bet.”
“Thanks, water’s fine.” She picks up the straw and twists it in her fingers, never taking her eyes off her hands. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over the past few weeks, and I really want you to hear me out before you say anything.”
Straight to the point. This can either go really good or really bad. I’m hoping for the former, but with my luck, it will be the latter.
“Okay. I can do that.” I just need to remind myself that no matter what, I need to keep my cool.
“First, let me start by saying I want everything to be as fair as possible. I want you to have as much right to this baby as I do, and I don’t want any money or child support. I don’t have it all figured out, but I think we could rotate days, do like a fifty-fifty custody agreement.”
I know I should be happy that she wants me as involved as she is, but it guts me that she’s thought all this out and seems dead set against us trying to make things work. When I pictured starting a family, I never dreamed it would start with us talking about custody agreements and child support. There’s just one thing she didn’t think of, that a baby needs its mom the majority of the time, so I’m not sure how she supposes we’ll make that work.
“Not to put a damper on your great plans—” I pause and take a deep breath. Keep your cool, and lose the harsh tone. “Tiffany, there’s no way that could possibly work. What about the first year? If you’re nursing, how am I supposed to feed the baby? Then when they start school, we live in different school districts, and you’re going to bounce them back and forth from house to house every so many days?”
“I can pump. Will it be hard? Yes. But divorced parents do this all the time. When it comes time for school, we can always transport them ourselves. I know this isn’t ideal, but other families make it work, and we can, too.”
I scoff and lean forward, bringing myself closer to her. “Other people actually try to make the relationship work before they throw in the towel and figure this shit out.”
“Josh, we’re here to talk about the baby. I told you, I can’t do anything more, so please try to work with me here.”
If she wasn’t pregnant, I swear, I would reach across this table and shake her. Why is she being so stubborn and putting both of us through this? She thinks she’s hiding it, but under her facade, I can see she’s as miserable and unhappy as I am.
“Oh, before I forget.” She digs in her purse and pulls out her cell phone. Clicking a few buttons, she hands it to me. “They did an ultrasound on my first appointment, and I wanted to record it for you. You know, so you could hear it, too.” She looks down and uses her thumbnail to scrape at the table. “I know it’s not the same, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you beforehand, but I wanted to figure out the best way to tell you.”
Some of my frustration melts away. I look down at the tiny screen and press Play. A thumping noise blares from the small speaker, and I watch a light flash on a black computer screen. My head jerks up, and my eyes start to burn, my heart lodging itself in my throat.
“Is that the heartbeat?”
She nods and smiles. It’s the first smile I’ve seen from her in months.
“Yeah, an
d that tiny flashing thing on the screen is its heart.”
I look back down and press Play once again. That little bitty thing is our baby. I’m really going to be a dad. I get all choked up watching it again as the tiny human in the video steals my heart.
Before handing back her phone, I forward the video to myself. I want to be able to listen to it whenever the urge hits.
“I have this for you, too.” She slides over a small black-and-white picture with some writing along the top. I pick it up, bending my head to get a better look.
“It looks just like a blurry bean with tiny nubs,” I say in amazement. It’s crazy how something so tiny already has my heart. No matter what, I’ll always love this baby. “I can keep this?”
“I scanned it onto my computer at Mom’s.” Tiffany shrugs. “And you didn’t get to go to the appointment, so I thought it was only fair for you to have it.”
“When’s your next appointment? I want to go to all of them. I don’t want to miss another one, no matter what.” I’m going to miss enough stuff as it is, and I don’t want to miss out on these visits.
“It’s next week, the twenty-fourth at twelve o’clock. Here, I have one of their cards so you can have the address.” She pulls a small white card out of her wallet and slides it across the table. “You can meet me there.”
Not able to pull my eyes from the black-and-white square, I study everything and wonder how much the baby has already grown in the few short weeks since this picture was taken.
*Tiffany*
Watching Josh stare at our child’s picture and seeing the love from him is a sight I’ll never forget. One thing’s for certain—I may not be sure about him sticking around for me, but I know he’ll never walk off and leave his son or daughter.
I haven’t heard from my dad in weeks. Since Christmas, our relationship has been almost nonexistent. I called to tell him he was going to be a grandpa, and he still doesn’t call or text to check on me. I would think he would want to know how his pregnant daughter and grandchild are doing. I may be a grown woman who can take care of herself, but it would be nice to know he cares, even just the smallest bit.
It hurts like hell to know I’m so easily forgotten and replaced by kids that don’t share his blood. Will he even be a part of our life? The thought makes my throat burn, and my eyes water with unshed tears. My baby will never know what it’s like to work in the garden with their grandpa or go on tractor rides.
I have to get out of here before I lose it in front of Josh and everyone else in the diner.
“So, I’ll see you next week. I’ve got some stuff to do.” I grab my purse and stand up from the booth, making sure to keep my face hidden.
“Tiff, are you okay?” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him move.
“I’m fine. Just have some errands to run. Call if you have any trouble finding the place.” I wave and rush out before he has a chance to follow.
Josh and I may not have everything figured out, but I know our baby will never have to feel what I do now. I know with everything in me that he already loves our child more than anything. And I vow to always make sure he or she knows just how much we both love them.
Twenty-One
*Josh*
Tiffany and I are sitting in a small exam room at her doctor’s office. The room is silent except for the crinkle of paper as she shifts on the exam table. Tension and anger are radiating off me, and I’ve tried to hide it, not wanting to make things worse.
When she told the nurse we aren’t together but co-parenting and that I would be accompanying her to most if not all appointments, I almost lost it. It’s been eating away at me like a rattlesnake’s venom eats flesh.
I’ve had to stop myself numerous times from going to see Greg, Tiffany’s dad, at his workplace and beating the ever-loving shit out of him. He’s done this to her—made her question everything and sentence herself to a life without love. He took my hellcat away, and I’m afraid I’ll never see her again. She’s the girl that would never back down from a challenge and would come back asking for more. Her fierceness and strength are some of the things that made me fall for her. I miss that girl.
Gabby’s told me that Greg’s not called or been around much. No wonder Tiff feels the way she does. Her dad has thrown away her and Karen, her mom.
A knock on the door pulls me away from thoughts of pummeling her dad.
“Hi, you must be Dad. I’m Dr. Collins.” She reaches out to shake my hand.
“Josh, and I am. Nice to meet you.” I return her handshake.
“Okay, Miss Tiffany. How are we doing?” She motions Tiffany to lie back on the table and pulls a small black recorder-looking device from her white coat.
“Good. The morning sickness has eased somewhat, and it only seems to hit me first thing in the morning instead of all day.”
Was she really that sick? I could have been there for her, holding her hair or placing a cool rag on the back of her neck.
“That’s great. You should be through the worst of it now. Lift your shirt for me so we can check the heartbeat.”
I step closer to the table so I can see what’s going on, and there, plain as day, Tiffany’s stomach is now rounded. It’s nothing huge, but I can definitely tell she’s pregnant. Within a matter of a week, she’s changed. Her face is fuller, and there’s this permanent glow in her cheeks.
My stomach churns, and I want to roar while I hit something as hard as I can, over and over. This is all stuff I don’t want to miss, and it’s a cold slap of reality that I have no choice in the matter. I’m going to miss it all, catching only small glimpses here and there when given the chance.
Whap. Whap. Whap.
It’s the same sound I’ve listened to a dozen times since sending myself the video. Happiness and love burst free, and I take another step toward the table, only to realize yet again that Tiffany isn’t mine. I can’t hold or kiss her and share this moment.
“Everything sounds great. Let me get a measurement, and I’ll let you sit up.” Dr. Collins retrieves a flimsy plastic tape measure and runs it from Tiffany’s pelvic area up to the top of her stomach. “Perfect, you’re measuring right on track.”
Tiffany sits up and fixes her shirt.
“I know it’s kind of early, but I was wondering when I would be able to feel the baby move.”
What is today, beat-Josh-down-as-much-as-we-can day? I’ve felt every emotion there is in a matter of thirty minutes, and I’ve also been reminded of all that I’ll miss out on. I need to get out of here before I do or say something that I’ll regret. I swore to myself that I would stop asking her about us. All I can do is show her I’ll be there and hope she’ll open her eyes and see I’m not her dad.
“Okay, you’re all set. I’ll see you back in four weeks. If you have any questions or concerns, call the office, and someone will get in touch with me. If it’s after hours, you can call the hospital. We always have a doctor on call that can help.”
Lost in thought, I miss the rest of the conversation. Maybe it’s better that I don’t know when the baby will start kicking.
“Thanks, Dr. Collins.” Tiffany grabs her stuff off the chair and follows the doctor to the door.
“Take care, and I’ll see you all soon.”
“I’ve gotta get back to work. Will you be okay to finish up on your own?” Maybe some mindless work will help get my mind off all the things running through my head. I need to focus on something besides making a mental list of all the things I won’t get to experience.
“Yeah, I only have to set up an appointment for next month.” She walks to the checkout window and waits behind one other woman.
“Text me and let me know when it is.”
“I will. Are any times better for you? So I know when I’m scheduling it.”
“No, any time’s good. Perks of being my own boss.” Now she wants to give me a choice. Something as little as a date and time for an appointment, but not when it comes to me loving her. I think I’ll be ad
ding a night out with the guys for tonight, too. It’s a drown-myself-in-the-bottom-of-a-bottle kind of night.
*Tiffany*
Later that night
I yelp and jump upright in bed when my bedroom door bangs against the wall, and I squint when the light is flipped on.
“What the h—” I’m cut off by a very pissed off, red-faced Gabby.
“Do you wanna know where Cam and I just came from?” She storms over to my bed and rips the blankets off. “We had to go pick up a very drunk and hysterical Josh. Wanna know why he’s drunk?” Hands on hips, she leans over and gets in my face. “Because the girl he’s in love with is pregnant with his baby but wants nothing to do with him.” She screams.
“Gabby!” Cam’s warning tone comes from my bedroom door. “Remember, she’s pregnant, and this is their business.”
“No. It became my business when I had to go pick up my brother, who was drunk off his ass at a bar.” She leans in closer to me. “Crying about not feeling his baby kick or watching your”—she pokes her finger into my chest—“stomach grow with his child.”
My eyebrows shoot to my hairline, and I jump out of bed. A twinge of pain and regret hits my chest, but my anger wins out. I understand that it’s her brother, but who does she think she is, barging in here?
“It’s not my problem he turns to a damn bottle. What do you want me to do? I’ve told you both until I’m blue in the face, I can’t give him a relationship. I’m trying to do the best I can and make it as fair as possible for him, too.”
“Stop acting stupid!” she screams, her face turning a shade redder. “If you would stop being so stubborn and damn pigheaded, you would realize that Josh is in love with you, and he isn’t going anywhere.”
“Can you guarantee that, Gabby?” I lean toward her, arms crossed over my chest. “Because if you can, then you need to set up fucking shop and make bank. People will be lining up for miles for your services. Nobody can protect me but me.” My pointer finger digs into my chest as I point to my heart. “And this is me looking out for myself. I will not ever give someone the power to destroy me like he did her.”
