by Jones, Kari;
He picks up his drill and bends over his work. Conversation over.
I get back to work too. We work around each other for a while. I don’t say anything, but twice I almost throw down my drill and march down the street to find Pedro. Not that I can’t guess what the couple of things are. Something to do with selling weed, or settling a drinking debt. What else would it be? Fucking Des. The more I think about it, the madder I get, until finally I can’t keep quiet anymore.
“You promised, Des.”
I say it softly, but Des hears. He stands up and turns off his drill. For a second I think he’s going to throw the drill at me, but instead he says, “You still don’t trust me, do you?”
“I’m trying,” I say, gesturing to the stage.
“I’m just finishing up some business with Pedro, that’s all.”
“He’ll screw you over, you know that?”
“You’re so suspicious, Ivan. It’ll be fine; we’ve got a plan.”
“Yeah right. Look what happened last time I believed you,” I say.
With that he pulls the bit out of the drill and puts them both down. Then he walks to the van, gets in and drives away. I get back to work, because if I don’t have something to focus on, I’ll scream.
* * *
Des eventually comes back to help finish the stage. We don’t talk for the rest of the day, and when we’re done, I throw my tools into the back of the van and say, “I’m going to Jack’s.”
Des nods and climbs into the van. As he drives away, I head to Jack’s house.
Noah’s already there, so the three of us sink into the hot tub and stare at the sky for a while. Jack’s mom is in the kitchen, clattering dishes; his sister is in her bedroom, playing her flute; and his dad, Arne, is doing something in the garden behind us. Kyra stops playing flute and goes into the kitchen to talk to her mom. It’s always so peaceful coming to Jack’s house—everyone seems to like each other. Arne stops gardening and joins us in the hot tub, so now there are four of us sitting staring at the sky. We don’t talk. We just soak. I could stay here forever.
“Dinner,” calls Jack’s mom.
“You boys joining us?” asks Arne, but Noah is expected at home, and I’m not up to sitting at the dinner table, so we get out with them and dry off. When they go into the house, Noah and I walk across the lawn to the road.
After I say goodbye to Noah, I head for home, but when I get to the bay, I take the path down to the beach and walk along to Maddie’s house. Bo and Peter are on the deck with drinks and binoculars. I’m not sure I’m in the mood for them, but before I can turn around and pretend I’m not there, Bo sees me and calls out, “Ivan, come join us.”
“What are you looking at?” I ask as I climb over the railing and sit down next to Bo.
Peter hands me his binoculars. “Grays or humpbacks—we’re waiting for them to come a little closer before we decide.”
I adjust the binoculars and stare out at the water. Looking for whales through binoculars is difficult, since you never know where they will come up, but I’m lucky, because I soon see a spout of water, followed by another.
“Two of them,” I say.
“We think there are three,” says Peter as he takes the binoculars from me.
“Is Maddie here?” I ask.
“She’s gone to Victoria for a couple of days,” says Bo. He takes a sip of his drink, then says, “Peter, how about a top-up.”
Peter asks, “Ivan?”
“No, thanks,” I say.
When Peter leaves, Bo says, “Ivan, I think you know what’s happened to Maddie.” He stares at me in a way that is just like Maddie’s. His eyes pierce right through me, and I feel my face redden. “Look, Ivan, I don’t know what’s happening between you two, but I have eyes, you know, and I see things, and the truth is, I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while.”
There’s a noise from the ocean, and he grabs the binoculars and looks through them for a minute. “Still too far away to tell.” He puts the binoculars down. “How’s Des?” he asks.
I shrug, which is what I always do when someone asks me about Des. “Same as usual.”
“Our house will always be open to you, Ivan,” he says.
I nod and I look away so he doesn’t see the tears in my eyes. Shit.
“What did Maddie say?” I ask.
“She didn’t say anything. Peter’s cut up because he thinks it has to do with how much he’s been pressuring her to go to Emily Carr. They had a big fight before she left, and he thinks he’s driven her away, but I think it’s something else. Something she doesn’t know how to deal with. I think she’s gone away to sort something out. What do you think?”
I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. There’s nothing I’d like more than to tell Bo exactly what’s going on. What’s always been going on. But I don’t, because much as I like Bo, I can’t help but wonder why he’s never asked more questions. Have I really been so good at hiding what goes on with Des? How hard it is for Des to keep it together? Des is an expert at looking good in front of other people, but still. Bo is a smart guy, and he notices things. So if he knows what Des is like, how come he’s never done anything about it?
I turn away from him and look out to sea. One of the whales breaches just off the point, and Bo and I say, “Grays” at the same time. I don’t want to think bad thoughts about Bo. He’s a good guy, and I’ve known him all my life, but still, instead of answering his question, I ask, “Who’d Maddie go with?”
“She’s visiting my sister, Alex. It’s been a while since they saw each other.”
“When is she coming back?”
“I’m not sure,” says Bo.
Peter comes back out with their drinks, and Bo and I stop talking. We all sit there, waiting for the grays to come closer, but I can feel Bo’s eyes on me, and I know he’ll be watching.
TWENTY
Maddie
There are many things I don’t understand. Chief among them is why. Why does Ivan stay with Des? Why?
The bus ride to Victoria is long and dark and rainy, just like my mood, and though I feel a little carsick by the end, I’m not ready to climb down the steps and into my aunt’s arms.
“Maddie,” she says with a smile. She holds me at arms’ length and says, “Something’s troubling you.” Which is when I burst into tears.
“I see.” She leads me to her car, and we drive for a few minutes until we reach her house. There are kayaks in the driveway, as always, and her garden looks like it’s trying to escape. I love coming here. Inside, she brews a pot of tea and leads me to the back garden. Her little dog, Tintin, jumps all over me as I sit down on a blue plastic chair.
“Thanks, Aunt Alex, and thanks for letting me come here.” The tea is hot and soothes my upset stomach.
“Is it about Peter?” Alex and Bo are close. He’s probably told her all about my screaming session with Peter yesterday.
I shake my head. “Peter and I had a fight, but no, it’s not about him.”
“An affair of the heart?” she asks, which makes me laugh and spill hot tea on my shirt.
“Sort of,” I say.
“Will you tell me his name? It is a him?”
I smile at her and say, “Yes, his name is Ivan.”
“Ah, Ivan,” she says.
“You remember him?”
“Of course. He has a beautiful smile, just like his father.”
Oh my god, I’ve never thought of that. Des and Ivan are dissimilar in so many ways that I never stopped to think about it, but it’s true they do look alike. Same build, same basic face shape, even some of the same gestures. But not the smile. Ivan’s smile is so sweet.
“So…” says Alex.
I put down my teacup. A honeysuckle tendril waves next to my face in the breeze. I pull the stamen out and suck on it.
“The truth is, Aunt Alex, I can’t talk about it.”
She leans back and contemplates me. Her fingers play in Tintin’s fur. “So you’ve come
here to get away from something, to think about it for a day or two, but not to talk about it?”
“Yes, kind of.” I don’t want to be rude, but also I don’t want to talk about it.
“I’ve set up your old easel in the spare room—it has the best light,” Alex says.
“You’re the best, Aunt Alex.” I lean forward and give her a hug.
“I’ll be here if you need me,” she says.
The afternoon light is good in Alex’s spare room, so I spend the next while sketching. I’ve brought pencils and paper with me, so I don’t need the easel, but I use it anyway, because it reminds me of when I was little. The first thing I do is sketch Ivan, his anger bursting out of him. Then I draw him battling that anger with a sword that ends up looking more like a surfboard. Then I draw one of him and me, only he’s pushing me away, and I’m pulling at him. Bo, Peter, Jack, River, Bea and Katia—they’re all there too, sitting on the sides, watching. Watching and seeing. Seeing, but not really seeing. Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? Watching but not seeing? My pencil strokes get thicker and darker as I go, until they’re so damn heavy they tear through the paper. How could we, all of us, how could we watch and not see? How can it be?
My eyes are so blurred by tears I can’t see my paper anymore, but it’s just a scribble of black lines anyway, so I tear it off the easel and shred it into tiny pieces. I’m exhausted. Shit, I’m exhausted, so I lie on the bed and cry myself to sleep.
Alex wakes me sometime later by lying down beside me and saying, “Maddie, you’ve been crying for hours. Stop now. Tell me what’s upset you this much.”
“I can’t. I promised I wouldn’t,” I say, sniffling. My eyes hurt, and my face feels swollen.
Alex sits up and leans against the wall. “Okay, here’s the deal. You tell me, and I swear to God and all the goddesses and the nymphs and muses that I will evacuate whatever you say from my brain and never, ever tell a soul.”
“You have a Pensieve? I’ve wanted one of those ever since I read Harry Potter,” I say.
“I do.”
I close my eyes and think for a second, then say, “What would you do if you knew someone was in trouble, but they made you promise not to say anything to anyone about it?”
“What kind of trouble? Financial? Emotional? Physical?”
“Maybe all of those?”
“Life-threatening?”
“I don’t know.”
Alex pulls herself up straighter against the wall. “He asked you not to tell anyone? Not Bo or Peter?”
“Not anyone.”
Alex reaches over and straightens a strand of my hair. “And, Maddie, you think that’s the wrong thing to do, don’t you?”
I nod, and the tears start again. I don’t do anything to stop them.
“But you don’t want to betray him, am I right?”
I nod again.
“Well, Maddie, I think you have to decide what betrayal means,” she says.
Which is exactly what I am afraid of.
“What would you do?” I ask. I love my aunt Alex. Today I’ll do whatever she tells me.
“I had a boy here once. He had a very bad relationship with his mom, so he came to stay here with me for a while. It was good—they needed a break from each other.”
“He liked being here?”
“Yeah, I think he did.”
“What happened?”
“He eventually got a job and had a bit of money. I helped him find a place of his own.”
“Did he ask for help? In the first place, I mean?”
“No. He was here one day visiting, and his mom came, and they ended up in a shouting match, and he just stayed, and after that I asked him if he wanted to stay with me for a while, and he said he did. His mother wasn’t happy, but it was what was best for him.”
“But it wasn’t a hard decision for you?”
“No, Maddie, I didn’t even think about it. It was what he needed.” She shuffles across the bed and gets up. “I’ll leave you, Maddie. I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.”
“Thanks, Aunt Alex,” I say through my tears.
She bends to pick up the shreds of paper on her way out, but then straightens and leaves them there. “Maybe you want these,” she says.
But I don’t. I don’t want any of it.
TWENTY-ONE
Ivan
Me and Des have been getting along okay in the couple of weeks since we got the stage built. It’s always like this. Something shitty happens to him, he makes a mess of things by drinking too much, and sometimes, like this time, he goes too far, and I have to take care of him. When he’s somewhat better, we fight for a while, he feels guilty and tries to make it up to me, we get along for a while, and then it starts all over again. That’s been the pattern between us since I can remember. Well, since my mom left, I guess.
So now the festival has started, and all the people you never see from month to month because they’re too weird for normal day-to-day life have come out of the woods and are crawling around the town. Anyway, they blend right in with the rest of the hippies and potheads around here.
I have to admit, Des has been working hard, doing odd jobs for Bo and the other festival organizers. He seems happy too. He even gave me money for groceries, and one morning he woke me up by vacuuming. True to his word, he hasn’t been drinking, and I haven’t seen Pedro all week. When Des doesn’t drink, he doesn’t smoke, so there’s that worry gone too.
We both got up early this morning, and we’re ready to go when Bo, Peter and Bo’s sister, Alex, walk up the gravel road.
“Ready?” asks Bo, and I smile when Maddie appears from behind Peter. It seems like ages since I last saw her.
“You’re back!”
“Came home yesterday. I wanted to be here for the Salmon Festival.”
Town’s already hopping when we get there. Maddie heads off to set up her henna booth, and Des and I follow Bo to the music stage.
“Looks great,” I say to Des. The green room has been set up on one side of the stage and a sound booth on the other.
“You like the flowers?” Pots of bright red flowers are lined up along the front of the stage.
A handful of kids are running across the wood, sliding to the edge and laughing wildly.
“Does that look safe to you?” says Bo.
“Hey, kids, quit it,” says Des. The kids stop and pout, but they get off the stage and run toward the market.
Bo laughs. “Okay, let’s get to work.”
There’s a lot to do, getting the speakers and cords on the stage and setting up the sound system, but it’s okay. Des and Bo talk about the festivals that were around when they were kids, which is sort of interesting. I never think about the two of them as kids. Bo must be older than Des, but they both grew up here.
“When did you come back, Bo?” I ask. I know he went away to university and even spent a few years teaching at the University of Toronto before deciding to go freelance.
“When we got Maddie. Peter and I didn’t want to raise a baby in Toronto, and I thought Bear Harbour would be perfect.”
“What did Peter think?” I ask.
Bo laughs. “Peter thought we’d arrived at the end of the world. It’s a far cry from Stockholm or Toronto.”
“So why’d you stay?”
“Maddie was about one at the time, and one day about three weeks after we arrived, we were down on the beach. She was just starting to walk, and she was toddling along the beach with Peter in tow. Peter got distracted by something and looked away, and in seconds Maddie was knee-deep in a pile of seaweed, with a batch of it in her mouth. It seemed okay, but then the next day she got sick, and we didn’t know what to do, so I took her up the hill to your mom, and she told us that we had to take her to the clinic. Peter was all freaked out, and so was I, to tell the truth, but your mom drove us all to the clinic, and they gave Maddie some antibiotics.”
He stops speaking, and I say, “That sounds like it would make Peter
hate it here even more.”
“At first it did,” says Bo, “but then that afternoon your mom came by to see how Maddie was doing, and to bring some food over, and by the end of the week he’d met everyone in town. People brought us food and offered to babysit, and some women invited us to join their baby group, and Des and Arne told Peter they’d teach him how to surf, if you can imagine.”
“Did he try it?” It’s hard to imagine Peter surfing, but then, this was almost twenty years ago.
“He did,” says Des. “He didn’t like it. He liked fishing though.”
I picture Des and Peter out on a fishing boat. I wish I’d known that Des. And that version of my mother too.
“So Peter decided he liked it here,” I say.
“He did,” Bo says. “Life in the city was always hard for Peter. Being here helped him forget some of those hard times.”
“Remember when Ivan and Maddie both got the chicken pox?” asks Des.
He and Bo laugh, and Bo says, “Peter had the funniest remedies that he said came from his mother in Stockholm. He had the two of you smothered in porridge, but Des here didn’t cool yours down, so he almost smothered you in hot porridge. Peter freaked out on him and yanked the clumps of porridge off. Des was so mad at Peter for not explaining properly.”
I remember that. We must have been about eight. I still remember the feeling of the porridge sticking to me in warm clumps.
Bo and Des keep working, but I sit down on the edge of the stage. It makes me sad, thinking of how Des used to be.
“Come on, Ivan,” says Bo, and the three of us carry another huge speaker from a truck onto the stage.
“That’s it,” says Bo once we’ve placed the speaker and all the other electronic equipment on the stage. “Thanks for your help, Ivan.”
I leave Bo and Des talking about some last-minute details and go looking for Maddie. She’s set up her stall with the colorful cloths, and already there’s a row of girls waiting.
“Looks great, Maddie,” I say.
She smiles at me, but then shifts her attention to a small girl pointing to one of the designs.
Maddie loves the market, but it’s not really my idea of the best time, so I go in search of Jack or Noah or River. It’s early still, but I’m pretty sure I’ll find them where there’s food, so I wander over toward the food court. I have to cross the park to get there, and as I go past the swings, Willow calls out to me, “Ivan, watch this.”
