by Marin Thomas
“I care about you. I like you. “You made me smile when I thought I had nothing left to smile about.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed tight. “But you scare me.”
“You’re afraid of me?”
“I’m afraid of falling in love with you.” Every time he was with Cassidy, he felt like he was fighting to keep his head above water. “I loved Bethany and our baby and they died.”
“You’re hurting, but—”
“You have no idea how…” He released her hand and leaned against his door. “The pain…the guilt…it’s beyond anything you’ve ever dealt with in your life.”
“Love and pain go hand-in-hand, Logan. When you love someone, there’s always the potential for hurt.”
“If I allow myself to love you and the baby and then…” He was unable finish the morbid thought.
“Logan.” She scooted closer and clasped his face between her hands. “Don’t you see? It’s too late. You already care.”
“I never said I didn’t care. Why else do you think I went to the doctor’s appointment with you? I had to know that you’d get there safely. That the same thing wouldn’t happen to you that had happened to Bethany on that road.” She shifted to her side of the front seat. The two feet separating them might as well have been the entire state of Texas.
“Let me be with you in my own way,” he pleaded.
“I can’t.”
“Why?” he rasped.
“Because I love you. And I won’t settle for anything less than a fairy-tale ending.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek, got out of the truck and went inside the trailer.
Cassidy loved him—just not enough to accept him the way he was.
DRIZZLE GREETED CASSIDY Monday morning. The weather matched her mood. Christmas Eve was three days away and she’d never been more depressed by the thought of spending the holiday without Logan. How two people cared for one another yet were unable to find a way to be together was beyond her.
She stared out the dining room window and tears burned her eyes. The igloo rested in a crumpled heap on the ground. She loved Christmas decorations. Now they’d always be a sad reminder of what could never be with Logan. Next year she’d be darned if she’d string up a single strand of lights.
With a sigh she turned away from the window and tackled morning chores while her mother slept. As she tidied the hall bathroom, sadness shifted to anger. How had Logan believed for one minute that she’d accept a marriage proposal that excluded a love-until-death-do-they-part clause?
Granted most people didn’t understand the responsibilities of caring for a loved one with Alzheimer’s, but Logan hadn’t even considered how a change in their relationship would affect her mother. Had he assumed Cassidy would pack her things, move to the ranch with him and leave her mother behind in the trailer?
Did he have any idea how attached her mother had become to certain things, like her recliner? How Cassidy didn’t dare buy a new TV because a new TV came with a new remote and her mother would have fits figuring out how to operate the device. Her mother knew what cupboard the drinking glasses were in. That the grape juice bottle was stowed on the second shelf in the refrigerator. And the silverware drawer was to the right of the sink.
If Cassidy changed her mother’s surroundings all hell would break loose. To put herself and her mother through that much stress for an I-care-about-you marriage proposal wasn’t fair. What if six months later Logan decided he was tired of her mother’s shenanigans? Or that the baby took all Cassidy’s time and energy, leaving little left over for him? Would he just quit their marriage?
Without honest, true love they’d never survive the ups and downs of married life, raising a family and coping with her mother’s illness. Her love for Logan wasn’t enough to justify putting herself, their baby and her mother through heck and back.
She paced in front of the refrigerator, then paused to study the ultrasound picture of the baby—their son. I wish we were enough to convince your father to risk loving again. But no one could fix Logan save himself.
After a quick breakfast of jelly toast and orange juice, Cassidy headed outside to open the shed for business. No matter that the bottom had dropped out of her world, she’d paint on a happy face for her clients and pretend life was grand.
Mrs. Wilson pulled into the driveway around nine. Cassidy didn’t remember seeing the woman’s name on the schedule. “Hi, Mabel. Do you have an appointment today?”
“No, no.” Mabel stared.
“What’s wrong?” Cassidy asked.
“Are the rumors true?”
Good grief. Back to that again? “Yes, I’m carrying Logan’s baby.”
“Not that rumor. Is it true you turned down Logan’s marriage proposal and broke that cowboy’s heart?”
Cassidy gasped.
“You didn’t!” Mabel paced the confines of the shed. “Maybe it’s not too late to fix things.”
Fix things? “Who told you Logan proposed?”
“Francine called this morning and said her nephew, Scott, who’s home from college for Christmas break, worked the night shift at the Quick Stop. Logan gassed up at three in the morning, then went inside to buy a coffee. Scott mentioned that Logan looked like he needed a stronger drink than coffee and that’s when Logan confessed he’d had his marriage proposal flung back in his face.”
Flung! “There was no flinging involved when I declined Logan’s proposal.”
“He’s the father of your baby.”
Tears burned Cassidy’s eyes. “It’s complicated.”
“Come here.” Mabel sat on the loveseat.
Cassidy gave in to the need to share her grief. If her mother was of sound mind she’d have cried a river on her shoulder already. “I love him. I swear I do.”
“Then why won’t you marry him?”
“He doesn’t love me.”
Mabel’s eyes widened. “He said so?”
Cassidy nodded. “He’s afraid he’d never survive if he loved me and our child and then we suffered the same fate as Bethany.”
“That man needs a good kick in the pants.”
“I agree.” Cassidy wiped her runny nose on her sleeve.
“Logan must care about you if he proposed.”
“He cares, but I want more. I want love.”
“You know what I think?” Mabel said.
“What?”
“He won’t be able to stop himself from falling in love with you after you’re married.”
“He’s pretty determined.” Logan owned the patent on stubborn.
“How can he not fall in love with you when he’s with you every day and you and he make love every night?”
Cassidy blushed at the frank talk.
“I’m old, Cassidy, but I’m not dead. Although Buford drives me insane half the time, he and I have a very good relationship in the bedroom. Women can deny it all they want but sex keeps a marriage together.” Mabel offered a gentle smile. “Love makes it magic.”
“But what if after all that he still doesn’t love me?”
“Have faith, young lady. One day Logan will wake up and realize he can’t live much less take his next breath without you.”
Cassidy really wanted to believe that. She’d never know if she and Logan were meant for a happy-ever-after if she didn’t at least try. Could she do any less for their child? “Thanks, Mabel. I’ll think about what you said.”
“Good.” The older woman stood. “I expect a wedding invitation to arrive in the mail well before that baby of yours is due.” Mabel got into her car and drove off.
If there was one thing Cassidy knew for certain, it was that marriage or no marriage, she’d always love Logan.
LOGAN HEARD the phone ringing inside the house as he climbed the porch steps Tuesday afternoon. He wasn’t in any rush to answer—mostly because he didn’t care who it was or what they wanted. As a matter of fact, Logan hadn’t given a crap about anything since Cassidy had declined his marriage proposal.
The ans
wering machine clicked on when he entered the kitchen.
“Logan, it’s Mabel Wilson. What on earth is the matter with you?”
Huh?
“How can you expect a woman to accept your marriage proposal when you don’t tell her you love her?”
Ah, jeez. The college kid at the Quick Stop must have run off at the mouth.
Logan pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat. He had a feeling the retired schoolteacher was about to unload on him.
“Cassidy loves you, Logan. You’d be a fool to walk away from her and the baby because you’re a scaredy cat.”
Scaredy cat? She had no cause to speak to him like a third grader.
“Everyone knows how devastated you were when Bethany and the baby died.”
No, they don’t.
“But life goes on. You can sit on the sidelines and wallow in self-pity or you can get off that stubborn arse of yours and live again.”
The answering machine shut off. Five seconds later the phone rang. Logan let the machine pick up.
“Good grief, can’t a woman finish reprimanding a man before she’s hung up on?”
How much more did the old bat have to say?
“Don’t be afraid, Logan. You and Cassidy are perfect for each other.”
The dial tone buzzed, then the machine clicked off.
Logan was tempted to consider Mrs. Wilson’s advice but his brain ached from all the pondering he’d done the past twenty-four hours. He got up from the table and fixed himself a glass of water. The phone rang again.
“Logan, this is Mrs. Hildebrand.”
Mrs. Hildebrand? Why the heck was the mayor’s wife calling?
“I’m at Cassidy’s—”
Logan lunged for the phone. “Hey, Mrs. Hildebrand.”
“Oh, good, you’re home, Logan. Is Cassidy with you?”
“She’s not here.”
“I arrived for my hair appointment but the shed is locked and her car is gone.”
Logan glanced at the calendar and his heart stopped beating. A red circle was drawn around Tuesday December 22. “Cassidy has a doctor’s appointment today.” Damn, he’d forgotten.
“Do you know when she’s supposed to return?”
He’d written 10:00 a.m. on the date. He glanced at his watch. It was three now. Where was she? Panic churned in his gut. “Mrs. Hildebrand, I’ll see if I can track her down.”
“Tell Cassidy to call me when she has a minute and I’ll reschedule my appointment.”
“Sure thing.” Logan hung up, grabbed his wallet off the counter and tore out of the house.
Dear God, please let Cassidy be okay.
Chapter Seven
“Why are we sitting here?” Cassidy’s mother asked for the tenth time in as many minutes.
“Because the car broke down,” Cassidy answered yet again.
Lord help her. She needed to figure a way out of this jam. They’d only been stuck on the shoulder of the road a short while, but already her patience with her mother was wearing thin.
Since Betty and Alice had left for Galveston on Sunday, Cassidy had brought her mother along to the doctor’s appointment today. After receiving a clean bill of health from Dr. Gilda, Cassidy had treated her mother to lunch at a restaurant, before heading back to Junket for Cassidy’s three o’ clock hair appointment.
Twenty miles outside of town the car’s motor had suddenly quit. Steering had become impossible and Cassidy had barely managed to guide the hatchback onto the shoulder of the road. “Stay in the car, Mom.” Cassidy checked for traffic—not one vehicle had passed since they’d become stranded—then got out of the car.
She raised the hood and poked around the engine. No burning-oil or leaking-fuel smells. Then she noticed the broken belt. Shoot. They definitely needed a tow.
“Stay put, Mom,” she said when she opened the driver’s side door. “I’m walking up the road a ways to see if I can get cell phone coverage.” She reached over the front seat and grabbed one of the magazines she kept in the car. “Read this.”
“Oh, thank you, honey.”
Cassidy walked half the length of a football field, then flipped open the phone. Drat. She recalled the popular cell phone company ads on TV and decided she and her mother were stuck in one of those dead-zone scenarios. She stared at miles of flat, dry land. Damn, where was the network when you needed it?
As soon as she returned to the car her mother asked, “Are we leaving?”
“No, Mom.”
“I have to use the bathroom.”
Great. Cassidy had suggested visiting the ladies’ room before they’d left the restaurant in Midland, but her mother had refused. She rummaged through the glove compartment and removed a sanitary hand wipe. “You’ll have to squat in the gully.”
“Cassidy! Someone might see.”
If they were lucky. “Then you’ll have to…” She squinted at the speck of color growing in the distance. “Help has arrived.” She stood in front of the raised hood and waved her arms. The vehicle was a green cargo van. “Hey!” She jumped up and down. “Stop!” The van whizzed past. The driver hadn’t even tapped the brake lights. Jerk.
Okay, new game plan. She’d driven past a bar a half mile back. She and her mother would have to hike there and use the phone to call for a tow.
“Grab your purse, Mom. We’re going for a walk.”
“I don’t want to walk. I want to go to the bathroom.”
“That’s where we’re going—to the bathroom.”
“Okay.”
Breathing a sigh of relief that her mother decided to cooperate, Cassidy helped her out of the car and guided her along the shoulder of the road.
You wouldn’t be in this predicament if you’d called Logan last night and reminded him of the doctor’s appointment.
True. But Logan would have insisted on driving her into Midland and she hadn’t wanted to speak to him until she’d made up her mind whether or not she’d accept his marriage proposal. “Guess what?” she said. “Logan asked me to marry him.”
“That’s nice, dear. Who’s Logan?”
“You know Logan. He comes over every night and helps around the trailer. Watches TV with you.” Remember.
“Oh, that Logan.”
How many Logans did her mother think there were?
“I’m in love with him, Mom.”
“That’s nice, dear.”
“But he can’t let go of Bethany and I don’t know if I want to take a chance on a man who might one day learn to love me.”
When her mother didn’t respond, Cassidy asked, “Did my father love you?”
“Juan was a sweet boy.”
“Where did you meet Juan?” Cassidy asked.
“The corner market. He ran with a wild bunch and my parents warned me away from him. He was a handsome man.”
Her mother rarely had trouble remembering events that happened years ago, but ask her yesterday’s weather and she’d draw a blank.
“I stayed out all night with him and the next morning my suitcase sat on our front porch and the door was locked.”
“Your parents kicked you out?” Cassidy couldn’t imagine doing that to her child.
“I was a bad girl, Cassidy.”
Her mother had never mentioned this incident. “Where did you go?”
“Juan’s mother took me in. I lived with her until I graduated from high school and had the baby.”
The baby being Cassidy. “Why didn’t you marry Juan?”
“He liked another girl better.”
Her father was a schmuck. Most days Cassidy was glad she’d never met her father. She had nothing good to say to him, especially after witnessing her mother struggle to raise a child without the help of a husband or family.
Logan isn’t anything like your father. Logan wanted to accept responsibility for their child—and her. But Cassidy didn’t want to be his responsibility. She wanted to be the love of his life.
He cares for you.
O
f course he did. Otherwise he wouldn’t have helped her with her mother or bought her the yard decorations. Or asked her to marry him.
“Where are we going?” her mother asked.
“There’s a bar around the bend in the road.” Cassidy pointed up the highway.
“Why are we going to a bar?”
“So you can use the bathroom.”
“I don’t have to go to the bathroom.”
Cassidy bit down on her tongue to keep from groaning aloud. “We’re almost there.” Another five minutes of walking and Larry’s Lounge came into view. The place was a dive.
The bar, which had existed since Cassidy had been a little girl appeared to be pieced together with mismatched sheets of rusted aluminum siding. License plates from all over the U.S. decorated the front door along with a lopsided Christmas wreath. Music drifted from the open windows. Three trucks and two motorcycles sat in the lot.
Holding tight to her mother’s hand they entered the joint.
Cassidy was pleasantly surprised by the clean interior. The open windows allowed fresh air to circulate, which made the cigarette smoke almost tolerable. The cement floor was sticky but there were no puddles of beer or bodily fluids.
Catcalls rang out when the patrons noticed the newcomers. Ignoring them, Cassidy headed for the bartender, a short balding man. “Hello. I’m Cassidy and this is my mother Sonja.”
“Name’s Joey.”
“Where’s Larry?” Cassidy asked.
“Larry’s dead. Didn’t see much use in changin’ the name of the place. What can I do for you, ladies?”
“My car’s stranded up the road and I need to call for a tow.”
Her mother tugged Cassidy’s sleeve. “I have to use the bathroom.”
“Phone’s by the restrooms.” Joey pointed across the room.
“Thanks.” Cassidy led her mother to the pink door painted with a silhouette of a large-breasted woman. They both took care of business in record time, then Cassidy sat her mother at the bar and ordered her a glass of red wine.
“One of them—” Joey set the wine in front of Sonja, then motioned to a group of men playing cards in the corner “—might be able to give you a lift to town.”
