“One thing, before we begin,” the dwarf demanded. “I’m afraid I’m confused as to how I got here in the first place. And, if I may ask, where even is ‘here’?”
I sighed. The Geas that brought them were really did a number on them.
But Source had said that it’d been Rule of Cool that’d reversed the Platform, not the Powers That Be. The other kingdoms were simply maintaining the magic, using it to throw new recruits into Hallow.
Our side had made a mistake a thousand years ago, and we were still paying for it.
None of that mattered to the dwarf right now. He was confused, and Adrius did his best to settle him down and aim him at the objective.
It turned out that the Priest was a lot nicer about their lost memories than I ever was. Shocker.
“Sir dwarf,” he said, “the amnesia will soon pass. I have often found that if you contemplate your previous challenges the magic releases its hold a touch faster.”
The dwarf tugged at his beard. “Interesting. Very well. I am a knight of Stonebottom. My brothers and I fought the rising tide of evil that spilled forth from the demon chalice when the Lion and the Ram both fell in an attempt to destroy it.”
The Priest grimaced. “In silence, I meant…”
“Never been good at that. Not enough room in my head for my thoughts and my voice.”
“Interesting…” Adrius said, though it was clear that he was already regretting his previous suggestion.
“Anyway,” I piped up. “Tell me about these rats, huh?” Part of me wanted to give the dwarf a chance to drag out his story just to force Adrius to sit through it, but I didn’t have the time to waste.
The other Hero either didn’t hear me or didn’t care. “It’s just as well that I can bend your ear, sir. My people aren’t exactly built for travel with these stubby legs, and I’ve tired myself out on the Platform. Tell me, where is the nearest sturdy place to sit while I regale you with the beginning of my saga?”
I needed to wrestle Adrius’s attention back in my direction. Every second was valuable, and this pause was giving my adrenaline a chance to fall off, allowing the guilt of ditching Bingo to creep back.
He was probably safe, not that I’d get selected as his AA sponsor anytime soon. “Let’s deal with that silliness later, dwarf. This guy’s got a rat problem, and I for one don’t plan on resting until I’ve solved it.”
The Fraternity questgiver was grateful for the chance to steer the conversation back where it belonged. “You are too kind, sir. As I was saying, the Temple requires-”
“That can wait,” said the dwarf, in a tone that brooked no disagreement.
I didn’t like getting cut off, and my bad attitude got the best of me. “You know what? Fine. Hey, while I have you here, can I ask you something?”
“Certainly.”
“Is it true that six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy?”
“What?” He was totally confused, far too new to have been exposed to the Wonderful World of Disney.
“No? Would you say you’re overweight, or undertall? Wait, I’ve got a better one! What’s the most effective form of Dwarven contraception? Darkvision!”
“How dare you! Priest, is this the sort of treatment I can expect in this place?”
I shook my fist at him. “Get used to it, stubby.”
Adrius was uncertain of what to do. I guess the Heroes didn’t squabble much in front of him. He was no doubt used to enjoying a lot more clout than I did at the Illgott ‘N’ Games, since he was both a Hero and the first questgiver that most of these guys met.
And not a Dreg.
I turned away, deciding it was time to take my leave and force Adrius to make the call that was most in favor of the Fraternity.
“Sir Hero,” Adrius called after me, once he saw me turning to head toward the temple. “Are you abandoning the quest so soon?”
“Nope. I’m just on my way to complete it, actually.”
“But you have yet to receive it…”
I ignored his concern and spun a little tale of my own. “When I was here yesterday I heard you tell the whole thing to a little green Hero named Patch. Rats of the temple. Big problem. Small reward. Twenty tails to the Gearblin in the arcade. I got it. Leave it with me and I’ll make it happen.”
He peered at me, gob smacked. Being a Hero gave me a credibility amongst them I didn’t deserve and hadn’t earned. It was certainly something I could get used to, and the darker parts of me completely understood why the protagonists abused it so badly.
“Is something wrong?” I asked him, letting a hint of malice creep into the words.
“No! It’s just…” He rubbed at his forehead for a moment, as if he might be able to jar his brain into working a bit faster. “I don’t at all remember seeing you yesterday.”
I shrugged at him and smiled wide enough for him to catch a flash of molar. “Don’t let your senility worry your pretty little head. Now, if you’ve a quest for me, now’s the time to give it to me.”
You have been offered the ‘Vermin Sermon’ Quest!
Adrius at the fallen temple of the Significant Fraternity on the east road to Hallow would like you to aid him in the removal of rodents from the temple’s basement. If you bring twenty Rat Tails to the Gearblin at the Illgott ‘N’ Games, you can choose from one of the following:
So-So Short Sword
Damage: 1d6-2, minimum of 1
Blah, blah, blah. The dagger was there too, as well as all the details of both weapons. I was stunned to find that these idiots had been given a description of the quest rewards and yet still blathered and bickered about them when they got to me.
Now that I’d gotten the quest it took me a couple of seconds of mentally stumbling about before I could figure out how to accept it. It was only when I relaxed and allowed myself to focus on the little niggle in the back of my mind that I got a
Quest Accepted!
message superglued to my awareness.
Okay sellout, time to do the Heroes’ bidding.
“Well,” I said, “thanks so much for the chance to make your life easier and the lives of a minimum of twenty rats shorter. I’m off.”
When I put it like that, it let Adrius see that he had an opportunity to get rid of both of us at once and he jumped on it. “In that case, the Significant Fraternity thanks you. How about you sir Dwarf, will you follow him and complete the task as well?”
“Sure,” said the dwarf. “I’m of a mind for some battle, after all. Adventuring with this rapscallion will be out of the question until he apologizes, however.”
“Not gonna happen,” I said, backing away from both of them and trotting over to the double doors of the temple. “See ya!”
The Priest called after me, “May the blessings of your ancestors rain down upon your shoulders.”
I winced. “No thanks. They probably weren’t that hygienic, and I’d rather they kept their ‘rain’ to themselves.”
Adrius wrinkled his nose. “Then I sincerely hope that the weapon you are rewarded with serves you well during your upcoming duties.”
“Of course,” I shouted over my shoulder, muttering something very different under my breath. “I’ll be selling that piece of crap the very first chance I get.”
Chapter 18
The rectangular windows on the interior of the temple’s ground floor were dingy, crisscrossed on the outside by stout iron bars and covered on the inside in a thick layer of grime. What little light that bled through their cracked panes was
Decipher (Visual) Roll
Cunning Modifier: +3
Roll: 9 + 3 = 12
Result: Success
barely enough to avoid bumping into the walls.
I’d been so busy making my out of the mountain, abandoning Bingo, and bringing down the Less is Mortar that I’d done exactly what Patch had warned me not to.
I’d forgotten to find a weapon to replace the dagger I’d lent her.
That was something I needed to
quickly rectify. Every Hero I’d ever met had shown up in our not-so-happy little town pre-equipped with a set of suitable weapons and armor, but that was a luxury that I didn’t have.
Or you did, and your armor is just dirty clothes and you handed your only sidearm to a girl as leverage in a failed attempt to get some action…
I spent a couple of seconds looking around near the front door for something that’d be capable of squashing a rat flat.
When I didn’t see any loot on the ground, it was time to press on. All the rooms other than the one I’d entered had a few guttering torches in sconces on the wall, so at least I could rely on a sort of hazy dimness even in the most shadowed corners.
The crackle and spit of the burning pitch was the only sound that reached my ears, and I found myself getting excited as the realization of what I was doing finally hit me right between the eyes.
I’m on a quest!
The anticipation made my palms itchy. I was so eager that I’d do whatever it took to complete it. I was no stranger to crawling nasties, and I’d gleefully slay every rodent on the planet with my bare hands in exchange for the privilege of keeping the Hero status.
Not that it would have to come to that, as there were bound to be other options.
Just because I’d never experienced a loot drop firsthand didn’t mean that I had no knowledge of them. Most of the Heroes who turned in this quest to me scoffed at the rewards I offered, since they’d already found better while they were completing it.
I was also intimately familiar with how little regard these lazy Heroes had for basic Occupational Health and Safety standards. Sure enough, no more than thirty seconds later I almost tripped over a discarded hand ax.
Its former owner had left it behind when he’d found an upgrade, and I was more than happy to snatch it off the ground.
Meager Chopper
Damage: 1d6
Damage Type: Slashing (Ironically, not Chopping)
Additional Effects: None
Weight: 4 pounds 5 ounces
Durability: 6/10
Description: Exactly what it says on the tin, this weapon is both meager and a chopper.
Minimum Level Required to Equip: 1
Base Resale Value: 93 silver
It was too heavy for me, but after a couple of practice swings I found a way to adjust my grip and my stance that’d let me use it.
Maybe, just maybe I’d be able to bring about a rat’s purposeful death instead of my accidental one.
Weapon Equipped: Meager Chopper
Damage: 1d6 (Slashing)
Power Modifier: 0
Skill Modifier: 0
Skill Level with Current Weapon Type: Inept
Damage Potential: 1d6
Inept! I suppose that I was, having never equipped an actual protagonist’s weapon before. It wasn’t like there was a way to lodge a complaint or demand a recount, so I had to abide by the judgement anyway.
I can improve, and that’s all that matters.
In the next room over I found a longbow leaning against the wall, right beside a quiver with eight arrows. The bow wouldn’t work for me, since my arms were too short to be able to pull the string far enough back to shoot it.
I picked it and the quiver up anyway, in case I found a use for it later.
Across the way an iron door lay open. A set of decrepit wooden stairs beyond it led down into true darkness and I felt a tug in that direction that told me my quest objective was down there.
The ax had a leather strap at the end of its handle, which I looped around my wrist to let it dangle. Once my hands were free, I stood up on my tiptoes and stuck the end of the longbow into the flames of the nearest torch. It caught fire, snapping the string back with such ferocity that, if it weren’t for my bulky schnoz getting in the way, I might’ve taken out an eye.
Between this latest fluke and the black eyes Patch had given me, I was starting to get gun shy about losing my vision. That’d be great, having the crew consist of two idiots with compromised depth perception and a drunk.
I took a second to inspect the huge set of doors at the top of the stairs. Someone had wedged a slice of wood beneath them in order to keep them from swinging shut.
Decipher (Auditory) Roll
Cunning Modifier: +3
Roll: 6 + 3 = 9
Result: Success
I didn’t hear anything down there.
I descended the stairs and peered into the basement, my flaming bow acting like a torch. I’d slung the quiver over my shoulder and the bottom of it dragged on the ground and banged against my heels with every step.
Friskiness Roll
Friskiness Modifier: +2
Roll: 12 + 2 = 14
Result: Success
It almost tripped me up, but I steadied myself against the wall and managed not to break my face.
As I stepped into the basement I found that it looked exactly as I’d expected it to. If I hadn’t brought the makeshift torch I’d be standing in darkness, but now I had enough light for me to see that the room was a hoarder’s wet dream.
A maze of open crates choked the floorplan into submission. I climbed a couple of stairs again, looking for an angle that’d let me see over the obstructions. The boxes were a haphazard maze that got more complex toward the middle. None of their lids were attached, which’d make hopping up on top of them slow going.
“Here, ratty, ratty, ratty…” I called.
I hurried over and wedged the lower part of my burning bow between two of the containers. Shimmying up the crates might not have been a useful method of travel, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t going to rummage around inside of at least one of them.
The whole thing was chock full of thousands of cheap d20 pendants, each of them exactly the same as the one Patch wore around her neck.
The only thing that the Significant Fraternity and I had in common was that we didn’t have a use for RNGesus, which meant that Adrius and his faction had dumped them down here to gather dust instead of followers.
I picked one up out of curiosity.
Replica d20
Description: Limit one per customer
Use: For you? None. For a believer in RNGesus, he who can giveth and taketh away based on the roll of a die, this can be a ‘valuable’ symbol of faith. (Item has no intrinsic value.)
Durability: 10/10
The description was dead on. I didn’t believe in any of that nonsense, but I knew Patch did.
I stuck a couple of them in my pocket, anyway. At least, I tried to, but no amount of effort would let me get more than one of them to stay in there.
Right, one per customer. Because you wouldn’t want people owning multiple symbols of your dying religion…
Decipher (Auditory) Roll
Cunning Modifier: +3
Roll: 19 + 3 = 22
Result: Peerless Success
The faint scratching of small claws on stone reached my ears from the far corner of the room and I stealthily unslung the quiver and set it down against the side of a crate. I didn’t need it getting in my way as I hefted the Chopper and worked toward the noise.
I’d killed plenty of things before and even made meals out of most of them. This already felt different, though it wasn’t until I saw the torchlight reflect in the red eyes of the four cornered rats that I realized I’d never entered ‘combat’ before. Setting snares in ‘Neath and knocking bloat flies out of the air and into my soup didn’t compare to what was about to go down.
I’d seen enough rat bites from my desk to know what sort of injuries these animals were capable of inflicting. They were big and they looked mean, and there was probably a chance they could kill you if you rolled badly too many times.
Note to self: Whatever you do, don’t die to the easiest enemy you’ll ever face while on the simplest quest you’ll ever get.
I raised the axe above my head and gave a vicious, although admittedly high-pitched howl as I lunged into battle.
Proficiency Ch
eck
Intimidation Roll: 88
Result: Failure - War Cry Ineffective
New Skill Values:
Intimidation = 6/100
Contested Friskiness Roll
Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2
Roll: 7 + 2 = 9
Rat’s Friskiness Modifier: 0
Roll: 3 + 0 = 3
Result: Raze Success
Damage: 5
Damage Type: Physical (Slashing)
Resistance: N/A
Rat Hit Point Loss: 5
Rat Hit Points Remaining: 0
Experience Gained (after being split amongst Crew members) = 3
The wedge-shaped blade lopped one of the rats perfectly in half. I was so stunned by my own success that I didn’t withdraw and swing again, which gave one of the little bastards a chance to run right up the ax handle and
Contested Friskiness Roll
Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2
Roll: 6 + 2 = 8
Rat’s Friskiness Modifier: 0
Roll: 11 + 0 = 11
Result: Rat Success
Damage: 2
Damage Type: Physical (Bite)
Resistance: N/A
Raze Hit Point Loss: 2
Hit Points Remaining: 17
take a bite out of me. It hurt, but I shook the rat loose and
Contested Friskiness Roll
Raze’s Friskiness Modifier: +2
Roll: 13 + 2 = 15
Rat’s Friskiness Modifier: 0
Roll: 11 + 0 = 11
Result: Raze Success
Damage: 3
Damage Type: Physical (Slashing)
Resistance: N/A
Hit Point Loss: 3
Hit Points Remaining: 0
Experience Gained (after being split amongst Crew members) = 3
Know Your Roll Page 17
